Well, Saturday I was up until eight-twenty. Yeah, I was unable to sleep the night before. I took a nap before we had to leave. I wake around nine-fifty, eat a bowl of cereal, get my music player and wait to leave. We pack in the food we are bringing and the flowers for the graves and then head off.
After making half the trip we stop to visit my sister. We see her apartment and she talks about her job. Eventually we get her to go with us. Also, she is still using her laptop. She found out getting a new one was too expensive. Heh.
We head out to get my eldest brother and his girlfriend then. It took about fifteen minutes but my dad was impatient and freaking out about â€œtrafficâ€. It is the cityâ€™s capitol. Meh. Well, we get there, dad and my brother go in and then we hit the rode once more. The rest of the trip is to get to the home of my momâ€™s cousin.
We arrive around the time the food is done being prepared and say grace. Most of the young people eat in one room. That was my brother, sister, cousins and their spouses. In the other room were my parents, my great aunt, my cousinâ€™s mom and another cousin known as Patty.
I ate a lot compared to usual since we wouldnâ€™t be home but six hours later. After that I meandered about, talked to my dad, talked to Cousin Karen, and eventually talked with my mom, Eryn, my brother and cousin Patty.
I mentioned my computer. My eldest brother mentioned something about the mother board. It really wouldnâ€™t surprise me if that was itâ€¦ the mother board going kaput on me. Sighâ€¦ well, my computer is of little use to me now. Iâ€™m too afraid of it dying on me while in the middle of something, the screen is worse than the last time and all that junk. Whooâ€¦
I had a killer headache all through the stay though and it only got worse, so I asked about Advil. Only one who had anything useful was my eldest cousin. He had some Aleve and got it out for me.
The rest of the time I simply rested my head. I sort of felt like I as back in school again since I was in a wood chair, and rested my head o a wood table. I heard everyone talking in the background and my head hurt. Yepâ€¦ â€˜sort of felt like school.
Eventually my parents get ready to visit my grandparentsâ€™ graves. My sister and I accompany them while my brotherâ€™s and Eryn go back to their home. My second brother mainly wanted to rest. He and my sister didnâ€™t really sleep the night before either. So, we head out.
We went to the cemetery, took away the old flowers and put in the new. We talked some and eventually returned to the others. We stayed at Karenâ€™s for another thirty minutes; I rested my head again and heard people talk in the background while my sister played with the cat.
After we said out goodbyes we piled into the car again and went to fetch my brother. We get him, drop off my sister and head home. Other than stopping at a convenience store for drinks it was a smooth ride.
We arrived home then and I went straight to my room to collapse. After that I slept through the night with only a few times of waking up. I finally woke again around eight thirty this morning. I took a shower and am now on my dadâ€™s computer since mine is even worse than it was two days ago. My computer was off almost all day yesterday to this morning.
I guess that is all.
The beginning of the week is pretty much the same as always other than sleeping a lot during the day. That is due to watching movies, surfing the web, reading and looking at crystals during my free time into the night and finishing in the ungodly hours of the morning. Oops.
While a lot of movies I watched were animations, there was one really funky one in Russian. It was called “The Cat Who Walked By Herself” from the year 1988. I cannot tell if I wasted a good amount of my life watching that or not. It was interesting, boring, mythic and bizarre. It was mainly clay-mation/stop motion, but I think it could have been better in traditional ink on cels.
Anyway, the unusual is for Thursday onward. Thursday is Thanksgiving Day, as known. We are not truly celebrating it. We will be doing that this weekend. Thursday we were to have a semblance of a Thanksgiving dinner, I suppose. The plans of meeting my mom during noon were cancelled due to some sort of “abuse of privilege” on such gatherings due to an unproven excuse of people bring their whole family in opposition to their immediate. Oh, well. I slept until two in the afternoon anyway since I could not sleep the night before and finally fell asleep around six in the morning.
The day continued as normal. My mom came home around five or so and took her dog out walking. My dad started cooking a small Thanksgiving dinner and we all ate around six-something. My brother ate in his room and watched House, MD. My dad ate in the living room and watched football. Mom and I ate together and watched various shows. I left for bed after that. Sleeping was something not to occur.
My computer has been “glitching” on me. While on the Internet the screen would suddenly fuzz up a bit or look like a checker board of white and screen. Sometimes i could move my mouse, but that was of little use since clicking on anything resulted in nothing. Then the entire computer would shut down and restart. It happens between long spaced hours, but it is still troublesome. Sometimes it would go into safe mode and the screen would be chopped up with white horizontal lines and rather reminded me of window blinds. Simply put, reading anything was out of the question.
I asked my dad for his input and eventually took off the side o my computer’s tower to clean it out and check the fan. Everything seems to be okay, but I am an amateur. It still shuts down on me at times. I talked to my mom and dad about it and wondered about getting a new computer for myself. It will be hard since I’m a Medicaid/unable to work person… but from calculations, if I spend my usual on rent and groceries and on nothing else… I could likely get a computer that is in the range of 500-600…
Well… I slept on it.
Friday was spent like a Saturday. My dad cleaned the floors and other chores he’d usually do on Saturday. My dad surprised me by getting me an external hard drive while he was out earlier. I had talked to him the night before about my thoughts of buying myself one while we were out. Well, he surprised me. I eventually told him I’d consider it my birthday present, thus don’t get me anything come that day. After that, I did my chores and we eventually went to the grocery store.
When we got back and put everything up, I worked on hooking the hard drive to my computer and going through its instructions. Halfway through my mom beckons me to go with her to a crafts store. We need flowers to put on her parents’ grave and baby her brother’s gave. I left the hard drive stuff to my dad and I helped my mom pick out fake flowers, pots and whatnot.
After that I became dizzy since I hadn’t eaten for about six hours. My mom needed to make one more stop though, so we parked it at Super S and got a few groceries she forgot to put on the list. We came home and I dug into some left over mash potatoes from the night before. I checked on the hard drive my dad finished installing for me and then helped him arrange the flowers into the pots. He did the one for my grandparents and I did the one for my mother’s brother who never got to grow up. Mom thought they turned out nicely.
After all of that I took a nap around two. I woke up again around five and my mom beckons me out to go to dinner with her and my brother. We ate at Chili’s. My father didn’t go for reasons I’m unaware of. Well, we ate, talked and all that jazz. My brother heard my issues with my computer and mentioned places for me to look into. When we got back, I looked into them. I’ve also thought of my sister having an old laptop.
Tomorrow we’ll be having the official Thanksgiving meal at the house of my mom’s cousin. On the way we will stop by to visit my sister since she won’t join us due to her hatred towards my eldest brother. I’m thinking of asking her about it when we see her.
Well, the night ended in my mom calling me to watch some shows with her and now I am here. Whoo.
Eh… I’m not much in the writing mood. Over the 15th to 16th weekend my mom shopped for things. Most were religious items, but she also looked online for lab-created diamonds. My brother stole her real-diamond ring. She got a lab-diamond ring on the Internet.
I’ve already gotten a Christmas present for my mother. It isn’t gold, but it is a religious item. It is a charm bracelet. My dad thinks she’ll love it. I ordered my father his present earlier during the week. It is a watch. I seem to be going to wrist adornments this year.
Anyway, this week has been pretty much the usual. Well, except Wednesday. My father went to a meeting with my mom. He went for her sake, really. I doubt he liked being there at all. When they returned and my mom commented similar sentiments, I noted that if she keeps managing to get him to come though she might convert him. After all, my dad never went to church for years. After coming down here, though, he goes now.
Thursday was normal, but around six UPS drops off my present for dad. I’m in the middle of washing dishes so I cannot take it from him. Waiting for me to finish, my dad squints his eyes to get an idea as to what it is. From the return address the company’s name is there. I just hope as hell my dad’s eyesight is as poor as it seems to be. If it isn’t, he knows I got him a watch. In truth the uncertainty makes me anxious and frustrated. I just hope he couldn’t read the typing. If he did, I’m angry at his curiosity. Mom reassures me though that “he can’t see shit”. That calmed me a bit.
Friday and the weekend went off without a hitch.
Well, this week Thanksgiving comes up. My mom will be working that day, but at her work place during lunch family can come by and eat a Thanksgiving meal there. My dad, and possibly Iâ€™ll go, to eat with her. Our real family meal will be over the weekend with my momâ€™s cousin and aunt. That way the entire family can be there.
Well, that is it.
Dad is also a dork… God, please help him.
My mom came home early this afternoon. She went walking, ate dinner, watched half a show and went to a meeting at six thirty. My dad and I finished watching said show and I fixed myself something to eat. Around seven fifteen my brother calls up. My dad became upset and pretty much does his usual “blow things out of proportion” act. My brother called asking to talk to my mom, but as said, she was gone. Dad tried calling her. She either had her phone turned off or left it in her car I guess because he couldn’t contact her.
I did my best to ignore him, so focused on my food and the rest of the show. Usually when he is like this, I tend to get worried, frustrated, sick or something. My main coping measure these days it detachment I guess. So, yeah… I did my best not to notice. It is all routine anyway.
Dad, as usual, was angry at my mom. He always blames her when she isn’t around during a crisis. My dad can’t handle anything that might occur in the family. This wasn’t a crisis. I was rather annoyed. My mom underwent emotional trials because of the son he was worried about. She was at the meeting to help her cope or some such. He said she needed to be here and not at some meeting. I believe I rolled my eyes over his comment. He later goes out to the garage and paces. My mom finally comes home and he of course was mad at her and whatnot. Oi. She simply told him to stop and called my brother back. Good for her.
Well, they talked and the conversation sounded fine from what my mom’s voice sounded like in the other room. In the end, my brother simply didn’t have meds he needed. He never got in an appointment with his doctor on Monday and Tuesday was of course a holiday. Today, his doctor was at his main office that happens to not be here, so there were difficulties. It was nothing to get panicked over. My brother just needed to talk and find out how to get his meds.
Well, mom helped my brother… they got in contact with the doctor after much miscommunication and glitches and the doctor got the meds prescribed. My brother should be able to get them soon. He called my mom not to long ago to tell her I guess. They talked. Mom relayed how insane Dad was being and I added in a comment. They laughed a bit and eventually hung up. I then asked what the whole deal was over and sighed. I figured it would be as much.
My mom also talked about the meeting she went to. It seemed beneficial I guess. She seemed pleased with how it went, so that is great. After that she headed out of my room, I wished her a good night and hopes that she sleeps well and now I’m here finishing this.
Hehâ€¦ it is so interesting how one day Iâ€™ll be frustrated over one person and then annoyed with the next when both people were on opposite ends elsewhere. About the only one who doesnâ€™t do such ridiculous things would be my mom. Iâ€™m always sympathetic with her.
I love my dadâ€¦ but he is a strange, sick, co-dependent, loving, well-meaning man. He just really has bad perspective on how dire a situation really is I suppose. I could go on about all his frustrating odditiesâ€¦ but I donâ€™t have the mind or interest to right nowâ€¦ I just think back to the one wish Iâ€™d make when it comes to him. Please let him find some sort of inner peaceâ€¦ nirvanaâ€¦ whatever. It would do him good.
Last words… despite all that is happening… I am actually grateful. Compared to plenty of families out there… mine is likely quite tame. We are all just relatively nuts be it the good kind or the bad.
God bless my dad, the soft-heart he is. Sigh… To my great annoyance, my father came home around noon and I find my brother in the house. My dad was outside letting his dog out and my brother was in the house unsupervised. Sure, it was only for a minute or two and all that other shit, but Iâ€™m not lenient like my father.
Apparently my brother has the ability to come and go freely today because he has laundry to be washed. That annoyed me. My brother stole thousands of dollars worth of my mom’s belongings and he still gets to come here to get his laundry done. He should be ashamed to come near this house. I just kept wondering which room I should stay in while he’s here… my parents’ room or mine. I decided to take all the jewelry my mom has left (well, what I could find) and take it to my room.
Sigh, my dad went back to work soon after he came back. I asked why. He said he and my brother went to get some groceries. That made me even more frustrated. My dad got him groceries! Oi… My dad quickly goes back to forgiveness and trust. While I can understand the forgiveness thing due to Christianity… the trust is given far too soon. I mean, my dad is just enabling him. My mom loves to use to word enabling… heh. That is what my parents have always done in their forgiving. Forgiveness is fine, but from what my mom has learned, they forgive to the point that nothing is learned or changed.
Normally I’d forgive my brother, but his latest thing took the cake. I’m not forgiving him. I have conditions. For me to forgive him, he’d have to restore all of my mom’s possessions. For me to trust him… he’d have to go through a program again and actually stick with it this time… allow us to take surprise drug tests on him every once in a while even.
My brother might have gotten a tad of respect from me if he had refused my dad’s help. He didn’t refuse. No shame and no sense of responsibility. He should feel too guilty to accept such. That or at least have some pride in the matter. “I’ve done enough taking, I shouldn’t take more.” No… he still takes. I mean, medical help, sure… I can see helping him on that… other stuff… he has a job and he should get his own damn groceries.
Sigh… just thinking of him makes me tired. Sure, this entry seems quite fueled, but compared to previous times it isn’t. I just want that idiot out of this house.
Saturday my brother took my mom with him to get her things back. The trips to pawn shops were near fruitless. She only got a small portion of her possessions back. It is then my idiot brother tells her he had given the rest of her stuff to be pawned by some other guy since my brother didn’t want the shop owners to catch on about the items being stolen. So now he is trying to get in touch with the guy. Oi… And to think while my dad and I were getting groceries, Dad kept getting the usual things he’d get for my brother and even invited him to join us for dinner on Sunday. This is just so damn annoying…
Well, I collapsed around one this afternoon. I was emotionally and thus physically drained. My theory is that when it comes to drama from outside forces, I am spent up emotionally. When it is drama produced from within, however, I have that extra adrenaline from anger, mania, anxiety, and/or whatever. In any case, I was out of it until four thirty.
After waking, I did a few chores, ghosted about and eventually my mom decided to order takeout. When that arrived my mom and I settled into her bedroom and watched television. Come eight, she started talking some. It seems that on her second ride out with my brother to try to get her things back was even less fruitful. My mom cursed at him, called him something and got out of the car to get away from him. I more or less commended her for that.
This… all of this is just too much. Mom admitted to me that she doesn’t even want to go into work. It isn’t completely just sorrow – she’s not depressed from what she has concluded since she knows how she feels when she is so. Her reasons are also a thing of ethics. Professionally she wouldn’t be able to do her job as a counselor when the people she works with are the ones she dislikes most at the moment. Despite that, she can’t just quit without consequences and such – and I don’t think she really wants to quit, she just needs time to recuperate. The best scenario that can occur with the realities of life is that her work will let her transfer to something else. She would have to be trained, but it would be good for her and likely for patients. After all, who wants a counselor who really doesn’t want to see or listen to you at all?
She also talked about seeing the therapist I often saw when we moved here. Sure, she can talk to co-workers and the like… but she thinks that talking to the therapist would let her receive feedback that would give her food for thought. She really needs someone to listen… well, more “someones”.
My mom thinks the boy she once knew as her son is dead. Sure, physically he is still here, but the person we loved and the person who could feel love, remorse and whatnot is gone. In all truth, I agree with her. She says nothing is there… behind those eyes of his… nothing is there.
I just wish my parents could get away for a while for a little self-healing from all of this. A change of scenery, time to themselves and all that is something I think they both really need… Sadly, I am powerless as they are in this.
Well, around eight my mom decides to go to bed. I think all of us are. I just wanted to write this out… therapeutic or something…
Sigh… I’m tired again.
From around Monday to Tuesday I’ve been trying to think up ideas for what to get my dad for Christmas. He is the sort who is not materialistic and is more the sentimental type. Photo collages have already been thought of. His hobby has gone away since his arthritis interferes with his golfing as well as lack of friends to golf with here. He reads, but not often and I have no idea what sort of book he likes. Music has been done. Cooking a nice meal is out of the question… it goes on. In the end, I decide a watch. His previous one broke and now he’s wearing a cheap one from Wal-Mart.
Tuesday my mom was informed that an aunt of hers, one who had married into the family, died. Also on Tuesday Mom and I went to vote around five in the afternoon. We were the only voters in there. No line for us! It was either that day or the night before, my brother’s car was repossessed. He will be going a few hours away to get his stuff back from inside it. In any case, Tuesday was… eventful.
Wednesday in turn was uneventful.
Thursday started out as usual for me. My mom left for the funeral. It started around two likely. Around evening she called Dad and told him she was eating salad with her cousin – the one most of us call aunt. My great aunt seems to have made it through the funeral okay from what my mom says.
A bit before the call, my dad, brother and I went to the grocery store. My brother got a few things, my dad needed soap and I got some noodles. After that they stopped for hamburgers and we dropped my brother off at the apartment he is sharing with a friend/co-worker/someone.
My father and I returned home then, I cooked some noodles and we settled down to watch two shows. I rock when it comes to the shows my mom records. One of them was Criminal Minds, I figured out the unsub near the beginning. Heck yeah. I got all the twists! Well, after watching CSI: NY my dad turned off the television and we both went to bed.
Friday was pretty much the usual. Mom arrived back in town around five thirty and we met up to eat dinner. She had a good time with her cousin after the funeral was over. They caught up and spoke about everything and nothing.
I asked about my great aunt. Considering her condition, she is doing okay. Despite that, she isn’t the same person she used to be. She forgets things as well as repeats thoughts. Her voice is more raspy/hoarse/something. My mom told me she has a new heart monitor, but it is big and while some will send a shock to jolt the heart back into beating should it stop; this one makes her heart work all the time. Sigh…
Well, after that, we got home. We unloaded the car of Mom’s things and then settled in. Mom and I watched two shows together. One was the Criminal Minds I saw the night before. I was the master on that one. Ha! Yeah… she didn’t catch onto things or make correlations like I did. We either think the same things and figure the cases out in sync, she catches on before I do or I catch on before she does. Sometimes we never really get anywhere. After that, we then watched Life, which was mainly just watching.
Well, it is now almost nine. This is all I’m writing.
Later last night Mom broke down. She cried and even sobbed. She sat down on the kitchen floor and rested her back against the cabinets. I sat down with her and held her in silence. She asked me if I knew what it was like to feel as though one’s soul had died. I simply replied yes and thought of how this was very similar to the time when I thought of suicide that first night while still in middle school. It was later in the night and we had sat in front of a fridge in a different house… but it was the same. We had switched places though.
My brother of course never came back home last night. My dad kept calling him during my mom’s crying. Mom didn’t want him home at all. I figured my dad simply felt helpless and could only think to do that. He needed to feel like he was doing something.
Mom calmed down some, we numbly watched TV and she eventually went to bed. My dad tried to sleep, but ended up staying up all night. I was up most of the night but went to bed at two – one if the clock was set back by then.
I got up again at eight. I encountered Dad who had blood shot eyes and he had a wavering voice – about to cry if not already. I later saw my mom. She can’t stop crying.
In all simplicity, I merely think my brother should be castrated and kicked out of the house soon after. Even if he is innocent, I think it would make up for all his past offenses anyway.
Many Hours Later:
Dad tells me Mom texted my brother. He finally admitted he stole her things and admitted that he’s on drugs again. He says once he gets paid this coming Thursday he’ll get her stuff back. Even if he does manage to get her things back, I think he should never come back after.
Sigh… Mom got into contact with my brother, as noted. My dad and I got his clothing, dental care, hair styling stuff and such together. My mom drove out to meet him and give him such things. She came back. My brother relapsed two years ago. Sigh…
Tonight he is struggling greatly with withdrawal, so my mom is now going to meet him at the hospital to get some treatment until he can meet up with his doctor about this.
I just don’t care about him. I know my parents do since he is their son and all that. I’m just numb really. Perhaps it is a defense mechanism or maybe it is the possible autism/whatever. It seems my brother is aware of his sickness and how it is affecting the family. He apparently believes he should stay out of the house and away from us in order not to do harm – steal. At least he is aware. Sigh.
In truth my “feelings” that were briefly shown through my previous notes of the recent happenings were written without the fuel of feelings. It was all rather detached. Usually I’d bee driven, angry, frustrated, et cetera. I’m just tired now.
All through this I was numb, tired, and other similar descriptive words. I just want him away from my parents. I could stop and take a good look at him and try to find the good, but I’m too tired and uncaring to. I’m too tired to even think much on what I want him to do. I just know I want this to stop. That is all. Just let it stop.
My second brother is a bloody asshole. My mom is upset. Based on the title, the math should be simple.
40 Minutes Later:
More than what was thought is missing. Dad called my brother. There was confrontation. Dad’s voice wavered. Mom’s cried some. Brother has left to “confront” fellow workers he has brought into our home. The three of us still believes it is him though. Sigh…