“Stalking”? Maybe…

I read something I wrote a good while ago earlier this month. This was before I had a brief mania-induced period strike. Yeah, I still get small bouts of mania from time to time despite medication. Anyway, upon reading it I couldn’t help but shake my head. It was my last SS “entry”.

That entry was comprised of various parts rather than being written all at once. It was also focused solely on my my best friend at the time. I shake my head a bit over it out of amusement if anything… because boy did I sound like a nut job then. I’m pretty sure if He read it, there would be a very high likelihood of Him being rather disturbed. For all I know, my friend might have already read it, though. For all I know he already knew I was that way anyway. Whatever.

The thing about the entry is, I sound like a freaking stalker. Looking back, to some extent I might have been that  –  if not still have such tendencies inside me. Because of this, being shamed of the matter seems pointless. It is my nature and I understand why I did and would likely still do it: I am bloody inept at relations with humans.

In my last entry I wrote about my lacking ability to be a good friend. I suppose this sort of relates to it. While that was about only being able to be a good friend to one of a similar view of the importance of the relationship, I suppose this is about just how hard it is to actually even get to the point of making friends.

I never made a human friend in real life on my own merit before until I met him. All of my human friend before were introduced really. My first friend appeared when I was around four, I believe. I met her through my mom. Basically her mom and my mom were friends, so we were bound to meet and being of the same sex, we were bound to be urged to play together.

In all logical means, if it hadn’t been for our parents, I doubt we would have ever really been friends by chance. She was half a year younger than me and was an outgoing girl full of imagination. I was the quiet, shy girl who didn’t learn to talk until she was three. On our own, I doubt she’d have noted me much. On our own, I’m not sure I’d have been willing. In the end, I think we were an okay pair.

She was a good influence on me, I believe. While she was outgoing she was never forceful from what I recall. I’d just follow and let her take lead be it a made up game or a given activity. I was okay with being more outgoing with her. Her name was Jill.

Through Jill I met another girl later in kindergarten a year. I’m not sure if we ever would have hung out otherwise. Since she was my a friend of my first and only friend… I’d be her friend as well. I don’t remember us doing much together or anything, maybe we did… I know we all sat at the same table though. Her name was Denise.

A year later in first grade I met Denise’s twin sister. I mistook her fro Denise at first, of course, but soon was able to tell them apart. If I met them now after having seen neither for seven or so years, I’d likely be able to tell them apart if you stuck them side by side. They may have been identical, but I saw the subtle differences.

Anyway, because she was Denise’s sister and I had neither Jill nor Denise in that class, we eventually became friends. I might have gotten along with her best when it came to personalities at the time, really. Again, if she hadn’t been Denise’s sister and Denise hadn’t been Jill’s friend and Jill hadn’t been the daughter of my Mom’s friend… I really have no idea how I would have made out in the friend department on my own.

Well, anyway, after that, those three were my group. They were my main friends. Yeah, they gained other friends and a girl I’ve mentioned before on here named Mandi was a friend to mainly Brooke and Denise… I pretty much stuck to those three.

Third grade none of them were in my class, I believe. But then again, maybe Denise was… I think I remember her getting praised for being an “Accelerated Reader”. That was probably the year she was always hanging with Mandi. Jill and Brooke were elsewhere. I think Brooke found a friend in a girl named Jamie. I don’t remember her last name, but she had the same birthday as me. Overall, I didn’t see the three of them much.

In the end, that year I kind of became friends with a girl named Kristen. She was friends with a boy named Chance. Thinking back on it, I think she just kind of let me follow her. We rode the same bus to school. After that year we never really spoke again and I never knew what became of her after elementary. Chance, I never knew him much, but he disappeared after elementary as well. I found later that he moved due to bullying.

People might say I made friends on my own with those two, but I always have had a funny way of defining things. To me, the relationship I had with them isn’t what I consider similar to the sort of friendship I write of in this. Friendship to me is something stronger. I suppose in most likely terms they would have been “casual friends”. ‘Sort of like friends you make during a summer vacation out of town and likely never see again.

Fourth grade I was able to have Brooke in my class again. I think we rekindled our friendship again that year. Jill and Denise… I think Jill was busy playing soccer against boys that year and Denise was still mainly hanging with Mandi.

Somewhere in that time we all had a mutual friend in a girl named April though. April was again not a close friend. I think I only knew her for a year or two at best.

Transitioning school I don’t think I saw Brooke, Denise or Jill that much. I’m pretty sure I had Mandi during at least one class and tried to become better friends with her since she was good friends with Denise. That was how I learned to make friends apparently. I’d befriend the friends of my friends. Sadly, that doesn’t always work out. I never should have tried to be friends with Mandi.

Middle school I had one class with Jill before she moved. We weren’t extremely close anymore by then though. I don’t think I had any classes with Brooke or Denise that year. If I had any with Mandi, I don’t remember that either.

I should have understood that clinging onto our friendship was becoming futile by then. I didn’t though, because I thought of them as “real friends”. We had stopped being that around that time really.

I still tried to hang around Brooke and Denise, but I could no longer relate to them and they made their own friends. We had no classes together. I should have let them go, but as said… I had no idea how to make friends.

Making friends was a simple matter… Grow a single seed and then as it grows, follow on and continue to the ever reaching limbs. Well, apparently I couldn’t do that forever. A common beginning doesn’t mean a common end for everyone.

Thus, we are at seventh grade again. Particularly alone and undergoing some considerable mental and emotional problems… I guess it was inevitable I’d reach out to someone. I did that a bit on the Internet actually… I made a brief friend via the net here and there. No matter how deep or how personal you get with someone on the Internet, however… it tends to end soon enough. That, and you can never bring them with you to school. You can never actually touch or talk to them. You can never meet them and hang out. At least, not when they live all the way across the country you are in.

Therefore, yes… I eventually needed a human in real life to befriend. That human wound up being my best friend. That human went by the name Kyle.

Like how I figured with the previous three girls, I never noticed him. At least, I didn’t right away. I probably would have gone my whole seventh grade year (possibly the rest of my life) not knowing him if it hadn’t been for a strange work of fate… or something like that.

The teacher exchanged seats with the boy who sat next to me with him. Said boy was giving me troubles, so she picked Kyle of all people to sit down next to me. I didn’t notice him at all. I likely never would have really noticed him if he hadn’t taken the initiative. He took it because he apparently noticed me. He noticed me because I mentioned surfing the Internet and spending most of my time on the computer. Thank you for small miracles.

Kyle made me laugh. He made me laugh during a time I was forgetting how to smile. It was a dry laugh, but it was something. It was something for a child who no longer could smile with ease. It was something for a person who could no longer shed tears. It was something for those who are alone.

Slowly… I began to notice him without him doing something silly or making a witty remark. I liked his presence. I liked his intelligence. I liked his sarcasm. I liked him.

All of those I befriended in the past be it “real friendship”, “casual friendship” or “hopeless friendship” were all smart or at least worked hard at school. I’ve always liked the mature, the wise and the intelligent. A person doesn’t have to be all of those things, but yeah. Kyle seemed to have various ounces of all of those things.

Yes, in time, I looked forward to seeing him. He was a fine classmate, I thought. At that time, I believe I was wishing to become his friend.

I had no idea how to go about doing that though. We had no share acquaintances. I had no idea who any of his friends were, what his interests were, et cetera. All I knew was that I found him to be nice, smart, funny and interesting. It never occurred to me to simply ask him to be my friend. I’d never asked that before.

Without any prior knowledge to how to properly make friends, I went about the process slowly and… methodically. That is where the “stalking” came in. It was all rather logical in essence. At least, it seemed that way.

I want to be friends.
I know nothing about him.
Asking personal questions outright is rude.
Observe then.

Therefore, I observed. I’d pick out the simple things at first. He was right handed, he has brown hair, his name was Kyle. After that I’d notice things. He wrote his last name on his worksheet. He mentioned liking Garfield the Cat. His favorite color is green. He could quote Poe’s “The Raven”…

Thus throughout the year I slowly gathered the trivial information that I could. In all that time I had no idea we were actually becoming friends in the process. I just kept paying attention, picked up information and enjoyed the rare times I saw him.

It wasn’t until eighth grade did he actually confirm we were friends. Apparently he had thought we were such for a long time. I in turn never knew. I wanted to be his friend and at times thought of us as friends, but without the confirmation, I could have been just a mere acquaintance as far as he was concerned. Therefore, that day I guess we were both surprised. In my case, pleasantly.

I suppose my “stalking” eased after that. At the same time, he was my sole “real friend”. Yeah, I had some acquaintances. There was a girl named “Beth” he and I knew. I don’t really remember any others that year…

Ninth grade I had some fine acquaintances/casual friends. The majority of them wound up in art class. There was Billy, Kasei and to some extent Rebecca. There was also Jeff from the Library. Oddly he wound up with a crush on me. O.o… He never told me such plainly though and instead wrote me a note. I didn’t realize what he meant until later. (Again, I need literal, to the point, confirming words. My processing system is very black and white.)

Yeah, though…

Looking back and considering that nutty sounding entry I wrote before moving here… I’m still not sure if I have any experience in making a friend properly. Maybe if I ever meet a person who interests me the way Kyle had, I’ll know to simply say, “I enjoy your company. Would you mind being friends?” My past self, however…

I don’t fault her at all for going about things such a way. Maybe I am still that way to this day. I have no idea. It was an interesting discovery about myself, nonetheless.

“God apparently left out a few functions in this one.”