I was informed just now about my uncle… those shadows were extensions from the cancer on his previously removed kidney. The cancer is in his lungs and chest… I cannot remember the name other than it beginning with renal. No chemo can help it… Apparently survival rate to five years more is 5% if my memory of what she just told me is correct. Yes, my memory is that bad.
Sigh… As usual, hearing about death, I just go into a numb state minus the fact that my chest gets tight and I somewhat forget to breathe regularly…
I have nothing else to write…
Things have been going as they always do as of late until the twenty fourth. I got a message from a guy via a site I checked out a while ago. Apparently he read my profile and decided to chat with me.
It has been okay so farâ€¦ Iâ€™ve been paranoid on occasion, but he seems a heck of a lot better than the last guy. Talking with him for about half a week thoughâ€¦ it is no different to me when I hold a brief conversation with someone I casually know, and I mean casually, or even when talking to others I only see a brief timeâ€¦ like when at a check out at the grocery store.
There just is no connection. Heâ€™s nice and all, but I feel no interest. At best I just think, â€œWell, at least Iâ€™m socializing a bit more doing thisâ€¦â€ Oh, well.
Onwardsâ€¦ I saw the foot doctor yesterday. I got my orthodics and they are working out great so far. Admittedly my lower back is bothering me, but I really feel the change. Walking doesnâ€™t feel awkward like it did before! Yosh!
Another thing happened yesterday too. I joined a new board on the twenty sixthâ€¦ it is for asexuals. Well, from it, I learned the term for how I feel in another case. Agender. I always had trouble identifying with the sexesâ€¦ I never felt I fit with girls, but I never felt like I did with boys either. On that site, I found my feelings arenâ€™t so far fetched! There were others! It made me happy.
Despite all of this okay news thoughâ€¦ In my most recent round of trying to get out there a bit, even if it is just via the net, it is just as hard as previous endeavors. I always try when I get these urgesâ€¦ I justâ€¦ never seem to fit in no matter where I go. While I can relate to people on this board, I still feel like an outsider. I almost always feel this way when it comes to people.
It seems the only time I feel loneliness is when I actually try to find friends. In my search, I never seem to find a real connection with anotherâ€¦ I just feel lost in a swarm of people. I become longing and sad. An ache enters my chest and I know loneliness.
It really got to me last night when I tried to go to sleep. The ache was there and I just wanted to hug someone. My parents were asleep though and I certainly wasnâ€™t going to wake one of them up just because I needed a hug.
There have been a few people who managed to make me feel I belonged in my lifeâ€¦ but they are few and fleeting. I remember how once I left high school, Iâ€™d read about a certain friendâ€™s life and he changed so muchâ€¦ Well, he was essentially the same; he just entered a more social world. A similar ache and sadness occurred at that time. I hadnâ€™t been able to watch these changes in him and I had no way of sharing such things with himâ€¦ And I felt lonely because of that.
It had been that way back when I started middle school too. All of my friends from elementary school were all changing and drifting away. They had cliques they needed to join, new friends to hang with. Their interests changed to things I couldnâ€™t understand. In the end, while it was all alien to meâ€¦ I just felt like the alien. Againâ€¦ I was the outsider.
It doesnâ€™t help that Iâ€™m not particularly interesting. I know Iâ€™m not. I lack the ability to follow many conversations as wellâ€¦
But Iâ€™ll try. Nonetheless, it seems for naught. Even if a person does reply to meâ€¦ it is all so distant. There is no connection and I feel loneliness.
Iâ€™m going to continue this little venture though. It wonâ€™t surprise me if it ends the same as my previous onesâ€¦ but Iâ€™ll just try until my will dwindles down again and I am physically, emotionally and mentally tired. It is all I can doâ€¦
Wednesday I was informed my uncle saw the doctor and there are two shadows on his lungs. He also happens to be the uncle with MS and not too long ago he had his kidney removed due to cancer… Oi. Bad luck is falling on everyone… My parents, my mom’s side of the family and dad’s side of the family… Sigh.
Later on my sister dropped by and stayed from Wednesday night to Friday. I have nothing to really say to that.
We are still in financial problems. I added in three hundred more bucks to the home mortgage than my original amount to help out.
Friday I got up at six thirty, ate breakfast took a shower and by seven forty-five Mom and I left for a dental appointment. There we did a usual cleaning. In between mine, I had a panoramic x-ray taken. They wanted to see if I had any wisdom teeth hidden on my upper gums. It seems I only have two to worry about, as there were none above. Well, after a few years of them noting about them, we finally are making plans of taking them out. We just haven’t decided on a date yet. Other than that, my teeth are doing fine.
Done around six fifteen, my mom and I headed home. I did a few chores and she got ready to go to work. She left around nine thirty.
I went to bed again sometime later. I awoke again at twelve when my dad came home. I got up, did the rest of my chores minus the vacuuming and soon enough he had to leave. My sister was leaving at that time too and so was going to drop him off at work. I waved goodbye and shut the garage door when they pulled out.
After that I ate some lunch a quarter to one. I worked on the computer after that until my dad got home around four. When that occurred I took a nap. An hour later my mom arrived home and left for the bank.
Due to the money issues, I withdrew what I had left money wise. When we were done with that we ate dinner with my brother and headed home once more. After that there was television watching.
I went to bed around ten after that and woke again some point in the middle of the night. I stayed up for a while, read and did a few things and then hit the hay again some hours later.
Saturday I woke around seven thirty, did some chores, worked on the computer, ate breakfast and took a shower. The order is uncertain. Finally around eleven my dad was getting ready to leave for the groceries. I had a quick lunch in the form of a peanut butter sandwich and we were off.
Two things on the grocery list could not be found, so my dad and I looked into two health food stores after that. We only found one of the items. In the last one we looked into, I searched for something with Xylitol in it. At the dentist the woman recommended I try using that. Apparently it stops bacteria in the mouth from producing harmful acids that cause tooth decay. Well, I found some mints made of the stuff and tried one out on the way home.
Well, we got home. We unloaded and put up groceries. I cleaned some and headed back to my room. I had something to work on via the computer. Most of my afternoon was taken up with that.
I don’t quite remember the later hours of the afternoon though, but I might have taken a nap. Anyway, around six my mom wants to watch TV, so we do. In between I heat up a potato and eat it for dinner.
Sunday… I slept a lot for some reason. I mean, yeah, I was up… I did chores, ate meals and read occasionally, but for the most part… I was out. Maybe it is the weather… It is cooling down here a bit finally.
Not much is to be said… my brother came by around noon, he stayed for dinner and we ate “breakfast” for dinner. The menu was bacon, eggs and pancakes. We ate, watched CNN because nothing else was on and my brother eventually left.
Around seven I headed to my room because I was freaking cold. Earlier my brother and turned the A/C down to 74 cool and that is not good for me. It caused me to get a running nose and thus I was sneezing a lot. Well, when he left I changed it to 76. Despite wearing my hoodie jacket and jeans, I couldn’t warm up, so I snuggled under the covers of my bed. I wound up falling asleep of course.
I woke again around eleven last night. I read, checked some things that regard chores and ate my midnight meal. I went to bed again sometime in the ungodly hours of the morning.
It is Monday now. I can breathe again and my day has been routine so far. Yeah.
Letâ€™s seeâ€¦ Ever since I got my flu shot, Iâ€™ve been rather weak so time has been a blur really. Well, on the second I got my flu shot finally. My brother took me to Walgreenâ€™s and all that for it.
Saturday I only had two flu-like symptoms â€“ as some people got those after getting a flu shot. I was very weak and I ached. Therefore, while I did get up to go grocery shopping, the rest of the time I slept due to aching muscles and sheer fatigue.
Sundayâ€¦ it was normalâ€¦ I was tired, but not the same way as Saturday. Monday was basically the same. Tuesday I went with my mom to get haircuts.
We got up early, I actually got up at six. I ate breakfast and took a shower. After that we left around seven thirty. Mom dropped my dad off at work, we stopped by the bank and then we left. I wound up sleeping most of the trip there. We then stopped for brunch around ten at IHOP and went on our way to the mall.
It was our last visit there. The mall will be closing down at some point, but is struggling to stay there until the last minute. It opened back in the seventies based on what I know. My mom has talked about it a couple of times in reminisce. Anyway, come November, the hair salon we have gone to since â€œforeverâ€ will be moving. The workers there will go to separate malls nearby. Both are about thirty minutes away in opposite directions.
Well, we entered the mall, Mom shopped some and I just followed as usual. She bought some clothes and then we headed up the stairs to the salon. Her appointment was at eleven. Mine was at twelve. I had an hour to kill.
As Iâ€™ve done the past few times before, I walked about the mall to see what stores had left and what ones stayed, what stores were new and all that jazz. The store I get my jeans at was gone. I intended to buy myself a new pair since it is fallâ€¦ No can do. I continued on and stopped by Earth Bound. I never expected to find anything, but it killed time. I eventually left and headed back to the salon.
Until the time my appointment arrived I read a book comprised of short stories. It was written around the seventies. It is okayâ€¦ I got it for one story in particular, but of course will read all the others just to see if there is anything else of worth in it.
Well, my appointment came, I got a haircut, found out my stylist is going to the northbound mall; therefore, I likely wonâ€™t see her again. My mom and I will be going to the southbound one since it is closer to where we are located. Sigh.
Well, after that I resumed my reading until my mom was finally done. We paid, we left and she shopped a bit more, this time for earrings rather than clothes. We finally left after that, ate a late lunch around three and then headed for home. I slept almost all the way back too.
Wednesday was like the days beforeâ€¦ did my chores, slept most of the day do to tiredness. I did learn some things though. My mom was talking to my sister on the phone, so I heard things. Was I listening in? No. I just tend to hear. Well, the IRS has frozen my parentsâ€™ bank account and my mom has gotten served over something dealing with debts. All of this happened on Tuesday and Wednesday.
Last night mom asked me about how much money I had in my bank account. I told her. I also did some rounding on how much would be gone once I helped out on mortgage, got groceries and paid for the orthodics.
Mom told me we would reschedule the appointment for the orthodics. Iâ€™m not weeping. She also spoke about issues about getting groceries this week. Eventually I came to understand. They would need a lot of my help financially if things go for the worst. This is sad since I donâ€™t tend to have a lot of money to begin with.
To add onto my motherâ€™s misfortune, her car broke down Wednesday afternoon. It had something to do with the batteries. I donâ€™t know how she got home exactly.
Well, it is now Thursday. It is like the days before to me. I do what chores come along and I sleep. Yes, I am still bloody tired for some reason.
I woke up at nine thirty and was getting my breakfast when I saw my brother was home. I saw him again after I finished eating. It seems Momâ€™s car was still here. He was trying to fix it. Since he was driving the other car and Momâ€™s is out of order, I have been wondering how my parents got to their respective work places.
Somewhere within all this, I learned about my motherâ€™s cousin â€“ the one my siblings identify as â€œAuntâ€. She and her long since separated husband have been filing for divorce. Well, it ended. They got fifty-fifty. My aunt had been trying to get it at thirty-seventy or at least forty-sixty.
Why? She raised their kids on her own with no financial support. Now her children are grown, married and gone. Basically everyone in the family sides with my Aunt. Sadly, she isnâ€™t rich. She couldnâ€™t afford a lawyer for long, so eventually she had to cave in. They struck the deal outside of court.
Other newsâ€¦ my great aunt is in a nursing homeâ€¦ or perhaps a hospital? Sheâ€™s in her mid-eighties and still has dementia. So yeahâ€¦ my Aunt is alone. Her kids are gone and her mother is in a home.
Other than thatâ€¦ nothing much has come up. Well, I have lost about seventy-five dollars so far to that phone thing Iâ€™ve mentioned briefly, but Iâ€™m not getting into that. As for the futureâ€¦ Well, on October 16 I do have the dental appointment still.
It is one mean yearâ€¦