I apologize for last night. I truly meant nothing harmful by it. It isn’t until now that I have come to understand why my words upset you so. It was a complete misunderstanding.
When I say, “Oh, (insert name) has dependency issues.” I say it with affection. I’ve always used it to mean, “Oh, (insert name) wants some affection.”
In my home it is understood what I mean. I also have never seen the term co-dependent as a bad thing, nor have known it to be.
From some enlightenment from a family member (no, I didn’t relay last night to said member) I realize why you became so upset.
I am not well versed in what is acceptable behavior and wording when it comes to socializing. I never mean to provoke or cause harm. I avoid confrontation if I can help it because it makes me nervous and upset. You might say I have a bit of PTSD in regards to such. In turn, I freeze and am terrified.
I never apologized last night because I believe that an apology must be sincere and understood. At the time, I had no idea what I did wrong. I could not be sincere until I knew what was the fault because it goes against my morals.
I was sorry I hurt you, I was sorry things turned out like they did, but I couldn’t say I was sorry for what I said when I didn’t know why it was so “terrible”.
Now I know why. I apologize for causing you pain and thus anger. Again, whatever way you interpreted it, it wasn’t so.
I do not expect a reply, but I hope you read this.
Don’t worry though, I will never appear in chat again.
Saturday night had been a harsh one. The letter I wrote to a specific person basically tells the story. All of this happened in a chat room. I said something along the lines of, “(Insert name), you seem to have some dependency issues.”
She asked me what I meant when she caught it and whether I was joking or not. Well, since I didn’t interpret my words as a bad thing, I replied I wasn’t joking nor was I insulting her. It went downhill after that.
After the incident, I tried to understand why she was so upset, from another person who had been in the chat room. He couldn’t help. After dwelling and still not understanding I picked up a habit I had used once before to cope. Yes, cope. After I had said the “dependency issue” phrase, the girl had blown up at me and cursed at me like mad. Basically it left me in tears and confusion.
Said habit is deleting posts. The chat I was in was an extension from the board I’ve mentioned previously on here. I have a plenty good amount of posts on there so last night I spent some good hours deleting posts I made. It is somewhat therapeutic doing such repetitious acts and after a while I wasn’t crying and I was less emotional. Thoughts weren’t occurring as often. I went to sleep around four.
I woke up briefly around seven, ate breakfast and soon enough went to sleep again. I didn’t get up until perhaps one this afternoon. As mentioned in the letter, I did ask a family member for enlightenment. My mom understands me the best and is able to make things easier for me to comprehend. As noted in the letter, I would say “dependency issues” with an entirely different meaning than others know it to mean. My mom is aware of this and knows my true intentions. When it was established that that would be the topic, I simply asked her, “To say it to another person thought would be considered an insult though?” She told me yes. She then explained what negative connotations can come from it.
I still don’t quite understand what is so terrible about saying such on a sympathetic level, but I have a better mental understanding now. Well, with the help of a board member I was able to contact the girl and send her the letter. I deleted a few more posts after that and talked with a few members via messenger, but mainly just kept to myself. Talking and writing out such things do not always work for me. I am tired and my preservation tendencies are trying their hardest to make me numb.
She replied. She made it out to be nothing and that she accepted my apology. In the end she said she just wanted me to understand why my words had been so wrongly used. As I told others, even if she were to accept my apology, I doubted it would change anything from my side. It is true… and her response rather sealed the deal. If it was so small a deal, then why did she feel the need to corner me, write profanities and terrify me out of my wits? If she wanted me just to understand what I did wrong, why didn’t she just try to explain rather than yell at me until I cried? I cannot take her response to be genuine. Even if it is, I still cannot see her in the same light as before. She depresses me.
I don’t know how long I will avoid the board and I have no idea if I’ll ever go back into chat. For now though, I seem to rely on my more animalistic ways. My heart was cracked deeply… and all I wish is to avoid them and heal quietly.
From this I have learned that even the most docile of people can turn a one-eighty. I’ve also learned I still am utterly helpless when it comes to understanding things.Â I now know to no longer use such a phrasing. I know now that happiness really can leave one vulnerable when something bad does happen. Being human and yet not understanding how to be one is annoying.
That is all.