Humans… are Troublesome…

I apologize for last night. I truly meant nothing harmful by it. It isn’t until now that I have come to understand why my words upset you so. It was a complete misunderstanding.
When I say, “Oh, (insert name) has dependency issues.” I say it with affection. I’ve always used it to mean, “Oh, (insert name) wants some affection.”
In my home it is understood what I mean. I also have never seen the term co-dependent as a bad thing, nor have known it to be.
From some enlightenment from a family member (no, I didn’t relay last night to said member) I realize why you became so upset.
I am not well versed in what is acceptable behavior and wording when it comes to socializing. I never mean to provoke or cause harm. I avoid confrontation if I can help it because it makes me nervous and upset. You might say I have a bit of PTSD in regards to such. In turn, I freeze and am terrified.
I never apologized last night because I believe that an apology must be sincere and understood. At the time, I had no idea what I did wrong. I could not be sincere until I knew what was the fault because it goes against my morals.
I was sorry I hurt you, I was sorry things turned out like they did, but I couldn’t say I was sorry for what I said when I didn’t know why it was so “terrible”.
Now I know why. I apologize for causing you pain and thus anger. Again, whatever way you interpreted it, it wasn’t so.

I do not expect a reply, but I hope you read this.
Don’t worry though, I will never appear in chat again.

Saturday night had been a harsh one. The letter I wrote to a specific person basically tells the story. All of this happened in a chat room. I said something along the lines of, “(Insert name), you seem to have some dependency issues.”
She asked me what I meant when she caught it and whether I was joking or not. Well, since I didn’t interpret my words as a bad thing, I replied I wasn’t joking nor was I insulting her. It went downhill after that.
After the incident, I tried to understand why she was so upset, from another person who had been in the chat room. He couldn’t help. After dwelling and still not understanding I picked up a habit I had used once before to cope. Yes, cope. After I had said the “dependency issue” phrase, the girl had blown up at me and cursed at me like mad. Basically it left me in tears and confusion.
Said habit is deleting posts. The chat I was in was an extension from the board I’ve mentioned previously on here. I have a plenty good amount of posts on there so last night I spent some good hours deleting posts I made. It is somewhat therapeutic doing such repetitious acts and after a while I wasn’t crying and I was less emotional. Thoughts weren’t occurring as often. I went to sleep around four.
I woke up briefly around seven, ate breakfast and soon enough went to sleep again. I didn’t get up until perhaps one this afternoon. As mentioned in the letter, I did ask a family member for enlightenment. My mom understands me the best and is able to make things easier for me to comprehend. As noted in the letter, I would say “dependency issues” with an entirely different meaning than others know it to mean. My mom is aware of this and knows my true intentions. When it was established that that would be the topic, I simply asked her, “To say it to another person thought would be considered an insult though?” She told me yes. She then explained what negative connotations can come from it.
I still don’t quite understand what is so terrible about saying such on a sympathetic level, but I have a better mental understanding now. Well, with the help of a board member I was able to contact the girl and send her the letter. I deleted a few more posts after that and talked with a few members via messenger, but mainly just kept to myself. Talking and writing out such things do not always work for me. I am tired and my preservation tendencies are trying their hardest to make me numb.
She replied. She made it out to be nothing and that she accepted my apology. In the end she said she just wanted me to understand why my words had been so wrongly used. As I told others, even if she were to accept my apology, I doubted it would change anything from my side. It is true… and her response rather sealed the deal. If it was so small a deal, then why did she feel the need to corner me, write profanities and terrify me out of my wits? If she wanted me just to understand what I did wrong, why didn’t she just try to explain rather than yell at me until I cried? I cannot take her response to be genuine. Even if it is, I still cannot see her in the same light as before. She depresses me.
I don’t know how long I will avoid the board and I have no idea if I’ll ever go back into chat. For now though, I seem to rely on my more animalistic ways. My heart was cracked deeply… and all I wish is to avoid them and heal quietly.
From this I have learned that even the most docile of people can turn a one-eighty. I’ve also learned I still am utterly helpless when it comes to understanding things.  I now know to no longer use such a phrasing. I know now that happiness really can leave one vulnerable when something bad does happen. Being human and yet not understanding how to be one is annoying.

That is all.

Washers and Quilts…

Well, financially things are somewhat back to normal… hopefully. The past week has been typical other than that one of our cats got a teeth cleaning. Yeah, that would be Chewy.
Well, when he returned, it wound up that a tooth had to be pulled his mouth was so bad. Poor bugger. He is getting back to his usual self though.
Saturday was perhaps the most eventful day in any case. With how my computer died, the TV died and the refrigerator died last month… I suppose it is no surprise that our Dryer died this morning.
So, grocery shopping was postponed so they could search for a new dryer and washer. Yes, they also got a new washer. It can still serve, but it is old and was saved from a  trash heap.
Well, Dad and I got around to grocery shopping by two. I hadn’t eaten since seven this morning,s o Dad offered to stop by Subway when we were heading back home from the store.
We stopped by Subway. There were already four people inside. There usually are two workers, but today there was one. The boy looked swamped. He was trying to handle three sandwiches at once when we entered, they no longer had a certain type of bread in stock and he threw trash at the can instead of walking over to the can, which I assume was done to save time.
We waited a long time, but when the food was paid for, I added in a tip for the guy, that was forty cents less than the total price of the sandwich. It was not a lot since it was just a sandwich, but it was the best I could do. I would have given him twice the price if I had to cash. I was just happy I could give him that much. I felt rather sorry for him.
I ate half the sandwich while we headed back for home and put the rest aside to put up groceries. whent hat was done, I sat down briefly to eat the rest of my sandwich before heading out again. Mom had some errands to run and I was to go with her. So, we left to a healthfood store where she stocked up on things she couldn’t find at a regular grocery store. After that we stopped by another health food store where she got tea. After that we stopped by a craft store to get quilt supplies. She plans to try to make me a quilt now. We picked out fabrics from a design and considered the math and got the fabric and thread. Once that was accomplished we checked out and headed for the car again.
When putting the fabric stuff into the sewing room and watching my dad, brother and mother figure out the new washer, I retreated to my room and collapsed. Walking on concrete or tiled surfaces for about three hours really takes a toll on my joints – my hips especially… so, I rested my body.
I woke up about five hours later. Heh. Mom was still up, dad was in bed and I did some of the dishes while heating up some left over rice from the day before. I ate and then checked on my mom. She was heading for bed soon, but I asked her to explain the laundry washer to me just in case. After that she let the dogs out for a while and headed for bed.
Now it is just me.

Nothing Much to Say…

Lets see… My mom managed to go into work a bit later than usual on New Year’s day and got to come home at noon because she already had enough hours in. My sister came by that afternoon and we gave her the few Christmas gifts we had managed to get for this year. She was quite pleased.
The next day was basically like any other because my sister was mainly just holed up int he guest room all day. Dad and I got groceries and by now, I really don’t remember much else. My sister left that afternoon soon after emerging. She had a birthday party to attend that night.
The rest of the week is rather blur. I did color a lot of old pictures via computer though. I’ve been trying out Gimp and found I’m not terrible at using it so far… the pictures aren’t as smooth as I’d like, but they are pretty good. I’ve also encountered a new person I like to interact with on that forum I mentioned a while ago. She’s pretty cool and fun to spend time with on the JFF area.
Oh, and Thursday the check for the loan my parents took out on my grandma’s old house finally came in. Here’s hoping things will ease up on them this year.
Yeah, not much to say is there? Well, that is it. Nothign else comes to mind.

A New Year…

Well, it is year 2010 now. I am the only one up.
My sister might be coming down today so we’ll finally be able to give her the Christmas presents we got for her.
My dad will be staying home today and my mom won’t have to go in for work as early as usual.
Black-eyed peas will be cooked for good luck and that is all that I am aware of happening. Whoot.