Mental Ramblings…

I watched a Criminal Minds episode with my mother tonight. It was about schizophrenic man plagued by his hallucinations to kill. At the end of the show one finds out he didn’t just develop it after a traumatic event from his childhood, but that he had it since he was born likely.
My mom and I know a lot about mental illnesses. She knows them due to her line of work. Me? It is a combination of being mentally ill, hearing information from her and just researching it on my own.
Well, in any case, often we can pity cases. I can relate to some cases be it minimum or greatly. Well, while many who know little about schizophrenia might have found the episode weird – particularly the ending… my mom and I just found it tragic.
Those kind of episodes we wind up talking about. Somewhere in the conversation I said something along the lines of, “I know how that is!” My mom had commented how at a young age usually when little kids see things, they have no idea what is going on so nothing is ever really done about it. (Or at least it was something along those lines.)
I might have mentioned on here before about how I saw things when little. While I never thought of them as real – well, okay sometimes I considered the possibility – many children likely would mistake hallucinations they see as real. Plenty of adults do even.
I find it really sad for kids who have schizophrenia. When at that age a lot of signs regarding mental illnesses are dismissed. I know a lot of signs in my case (bipolar II) were dismissed as me being just a kid. The suffering for a schizophreniac, though… apply that to a child. Such a harsh thing. Many would likely overlook the signs. Kid talking to himself and seeing people who aren’t there? Oh, he has an imaginary friend!
Yeah though… it is amazing the things we miss. It isn’t until recently my mom and I believe I was bipolar even as a small child. Things I often did at school when older that caused trouble… it was all because I couldn’t express myself anymore.
As a child, you get away with certain things. Then, when you reach a certain age, you are expected to behave and mature. Well, that just added on more stress for me.
I was a very odd child, looking back on things. While I’ve always been introverted, a bit lone wolf and such… I’d have my really wild moments. I’d have this uncontrollable energy at times. At recess I could get rid of it by suddenly breaking out in a run for no reason whatsoever. If someone gave my troubles, I could do something about it. I always had troubles with guys… even when in kindergarten. Back then, when they annoyed me I could go after them. I could chase them and try to beat them – they were always faster though. When nervous I could chat like mad, become loud and only get a light scolding.
Then when middle school hit… I no longer could get rid of my stress. Sure, at times I did without meaning to, but that always landed me into trouble – one time I even got a detention. Seriously though, it is bloody hard trying to keep still when a burst of mania hits.
I confided with my mom recently that overall, I was in hell back then. Living in such a situation is torture. I had stressors all around, but I couldn’t do anything to fight back. I couldn’t yell, scream, jump up out of my desk and make a run for it… anything. When boys picked on me I couldn’t jump at them, chase them and hopefully at some point beat the crap out of them. I couldn’t do anything. It was like I was a shaken champagne bottle but even when filled up with bubbles I couldn’t even make the top pop off. Then after enough happened… the bottle would break.
There were other things noted… like how my mind developed like a person on drugs. We never quite got into that clearly, but I have determined one thing… I would have been a perfect candidate for the sort who falls into high drug use. My mom thinks… if I had become a druggie, there would have been no hope for me. There is even a likelihood I wouldn’t even be alive today.
Why didn’t I ever fall into such temptations? I have high morals, I have certain expectations in myself, I’m paranoid and I hate things that are required tastes. I guess I had the winning combination.
There was also something noted about brain development. I think it was along the lines of how drug abusers have extremely stunted brain development… and if they never get off them between the ages of teenage-dom to twenty-five… they have no chances of their brain ever being able to grow in regards to learning new things and retaining it. With how my brain works, my stress apparently has a similar effect. I stopped have so many stressors around the time I moved down here… so I have had a chance to have my brain develop as it should. If I had continued college or carried out the things that lead me to dark places… I’d likely be stunted for the rest of my life. That is what I gather anyway. As said, I’m not quite clear on it all.