Happy Birthday Brooke and Denise (Even though I cannot tell you it directly in any form or fashion)…

Last week is a blur. I remember nothing. Then again, I was likely very submerged in reading. I even forgot about what I dub as “family time”. Other than that, I know that I worked slightly on a drawing, which I finished tonight/this morning. Saturday and Sunday were spent in medication withdrawal. I depend on my mother to give it to me since my memory is not adequate for such a task. Well, this weekend hers was not either. I was in bed for an atrocious amount of time. The joys of dependency on drugs it seems.

My father made it down around twelve thirty. I was still in bed feeling under the weather. He left a box of old books in my room, and after groggily managing to rise at least my upper body, I allowed one arm to move to shift through the books like one would through files in a cabinet. Yes, I was in that pathetic of a state. After a couple of hours later, I was able to even get out of the bed.

I arose and was very out of control of my usual self. I ran into the box, I stumbled out of the room and those two things alone are things I do not do unless in a strange manic state full of odd quirks. My father was resting in the living room by then I think … I cannot recall. The day has been foggy for the most part.

There were intentions to eat around three or four. I had not eaten for the longest time though, so I made some toast with a slice of cheese in between. It was Dad or my brother – wait, it was likely my brother – who told me I should not be eating since dinner would occur soon enough. I of course ignored it. Standing, sitting… my head was a dense haze. I was sort of a thing that just sat there… nothing.

It was then it occurred to me that I could not recollect my medicine. My mom was next to me at that point and I inquired her about it. Apparently, I was in withdrawal. She thought I took my medicine. I responded by asking her how I could have taken it since I had been unconscious for a disturbingly long period this weekend. There was more quips put into the conversation, but I lack clarity.

I took a shower and ended up looking very nice since I somehow received compliments, which is utterly bazaar. It was nice though, so I had my dad take a picture for the heck of it. Hey, it is a rare occasion – me looking good that is – and I was lacking my lack thereof brain.

Eventually we left to eat around four. The place intended was closed for the day though, so we went elsewhere. The place was worth it. It was a Mexican restaurant. My father in the end decided to take a bite out of a pepper. It might have been a jalapeno or it could have been worse. Either way, his reaction sent the table into laughter. Poor Dad. The evening was nice though.

We then went out to look at houses. We are residing in a rental home, so of course we are still looking around. My brother was showing my dad areas we had looked through before. Then at the end, we went through a park none of us but my brother had seen. When we got home, I went for my room as usual and spent my time alone as usual.

I have been up all night reading and drawing. My parents have just now gotten up. My mother had poked her head in first and then my dad entered just a few minutes ago to give me my medicine and something to eat.


Today the only thing that is scheduled is to go to the grocery store with my father. In addition, I believe he intends to cook dinner tonight. My, my… Halloween. It will be my first time to celebrate it here. I am not much of a celebrating person – I avoid my birthday even. Still, it is interesting to consider. We will spend Thanksgiving where my eldest brother lives. Christmas will be spent here.

Anyway, I suppose that is all I really have to type other than that I have not seen the girls or Kyle for who knows how long now. My Internet Is back, obviously… it just happens to come back when I am out of commission. Joy.

~ I still feel hazy…


Simply put, my Internet time was put to an abrupt halt. One of our computers had a virus that caused junk mail to be dispersed from us. We all believe the culprit is the computer from the living room, which is under joint usage between my brother and mother.

It had been undergoing many problems and was swarmed with viruses, Trojans and the like galore. Both my brother and I had tried what we knew about ridding such things, but many were beyond our knowledge. Finally, the camel’s back broke. Our Internet provider quarantined us.

Therefore, I have not been able to get online for an amount of time I did not care about keeping track of. By guess, it has been a week of not being able to use the Internet decently. Then it had come to three days of none at all. If anything has been proven though, it is that I am not as dependent to my Internet as I had previously thought – or as exaggerated as my father put it.

It is after three days have I become annoyed. I miss reading fictions on the net apparently. I wonder how the girls and Kyle are doing as well. Other times I wished to simply look up some information – nothing important mind you – that I would not have the ability to access unless on the computer.

To pass the time I mainly edited that blasted story I have likely turned from perfect to overly drenched to gaudiness. Oh well. I thought my character needed a few traits of insanity. Insert cackling here.

Along with that, I have been listening to some of my music again and have come to “appreciate” to musical instrument known as the vocal chords better. The amusing thing is, though, that the singers are likely the ones critics would say “cannot sing”. Oh well, I like listening to the different pitches, the flow and the harmony of it all. It causes faint envy to bloom in me as well. Singers… growl.

Well… I did fool around with changing my breathing technique and had a good laugh trying to sing. I did it in my more… “Natural” voice. I did nothing to make it feminine and sound pleasing. Hello my monotone voice. I just sang. Behold hilarity.

Anyway, I cannot think of much to write. I mean, okay, I saw the dentist last Wednesday, he was nice and I found that I can sit like a statue as stiff as one for a long period of time since that is what I did whilst waiting. Remarkably, my teeth had no cavities. All they had were some wear and signs of calcium deficiency.

Friday I got some black nail polish for the heck of it. I always had a penchant for the stuff; I just could never find it often. Thank you Halloween season. Fun times. Oddly, my mom wishes to use some for Halloween. I am hoping she will go for orange. As said, it is hard for me to find black… I want to find some black lipstick now… Heh.

The only other thing “worth” mentioning is that I bleached a blue dress shirt until it turned white. I am sorry, I just did not like it in the blue shade it was in. Besides, the likelihood of me wearing it at all is not very favorable. I am a bad individual.

Anything else? Other than changing the filter on the 27th, I do not believe so. Well, there is the case of my dad coming down, but I still have no idea when. Sigh.

~The “Sigher”…

Learn to be Lonely…

I have little to nothing to write about, mainly because I am on a reading high – specifically fan created fiction on POTO. I received the 2004 movie version of it recently and was quite moved. In fact, it is the first movie for me to “cry to”… if you count a single tear.

I downloaded a few songs and have fallen for the actor’s voice for the phantom. I had heard Michael Crawford’s voice for the song, but I could not help but go for the movie’s singer. Watching the movie, I first thought the actor’s voice left much to be desired, but considered the case of “those who can, do, those who can’t teach”.

Then after hearing the music on headphones and comparing it to the musical’s… Yes. I enjoy the movie’s singer better for the theme song at least. It is more masculine… baritone and all of that. It fit more to what I was seeing in terms of a dark, brooding Phantom. Perhaps if I had seen the Broadway portrayel where the Phantom is not ridiculously “good looking”, then the tenor voice would have gotten me first. I can see that voice better for the more original portrayel – Erik. Even more, the instrumental usage in the movie is more of my tastes. It—is—rapture.

It makes me miss singing, really. My throat has never quite been the same after changes. I assume it may very well be the medications. Either way, it hurts, my throat does, it goes shaky and it cracks. It is… rather saddening. Oh well. I still dislike hearing me go off tune though.

Well, other than that, I have not seen the girls for perhaps a week now. I suppose they are either having a family concern, school is going overload or their Internet is a bust. Here is luck to them.

Today is another thing. I found that my ability to become aggravated or irritated -whichever word – I become such a state easily if something changes from my usual ways. It had been a while since my last occurrence of that. It… rather leaves me slightly concerned. In other words, by god, I am never going to do well working with others or by standards other than my own. I can, sure, but in the end, I will keep it concealed until it explodes and I am enraged, sick, or have a nervous breakdown. Sigh. Oh well.

On the 19th I will be seeing the dentist and will find out just how poorly kept my teeth are – as I am certain my teeth will die on me by age twenty.

My next meeting with Wynn will be December the 9th.

Father will be coming back in two weeks I believe.

I suppose this shall end. I want to put down some lyrics though.

From: The Phantom of the Opera (2004)

Performed by: Minnie Driver

Composed by: Andrew Lloyd Webber, (Music/Lyrics); Charles Hart, (Music/Lyrics); Richard Stilgoe, (Music/Lyrics)

Child of the wilderness

Born into emptiness

Learn to be lonely

Learn to find your way in darkness

Who will be there for you

Comfort and care for you

Learn to be lonely

Learn to be your one companion

Never dreamed out in the world

There are arms to hold you

You’ve always known your heart was on its own

So laugh in your loneliness

Child of the wilderness

Learn to be lonely

Learn how to love life that is lived alone

Learn to be lonely

Life can lived

Life can be loved


~ Enraptured…

In the hours of nine am… Frozen…

It is down in the fifties and the day is dreary. It rained earlier. I turned off my bedroom light and it is now dim… and in the dimness took form a dim recollection.

“I let the icy tentacles embrace me tightly like a lover taking me into numbness.”

I remembered that. I wrote it in a poem back in sixth grade. I was in Mr. Spataro’s math class. It was cold and dreary that day too. It was back when my depression was taking bloom. The poem expressed the cold that I loved.

Back then I would wear t-shirts while others snuggled themselves in jackets. I welcomed the biting air. It made me feel alive and… Happy. Take me to a cold darkness… silent and calm… and beautiful. Numb the sadness in ice. That was something like the feel of the poem. It is a pity I cannot remember all of it as well as not saving it.

~Quacky Hoot

It sounded better in my head…

It has been in the lower sixties today. I am enjoying it greatly. If the weather temperature stayed just like it was today, I would be one happy individual. Fall weather! Yesh!

My diet has changed to the point that I eat three meals a day at least. For about half a month, bleeding had been occurring and out of conclusion, it had something to do with my diet. Oh well.

Other than that, there is not much to write about. This weekend the girls were out of commission due to the net and their mother. This week or was it this weekend as well? Either way, my brother and I worked on putting pictures up. So now, I have dusting even more pictures on my list.

Oh, wait. It was Sunday. Travis left early on Monday. He is staying a week with my dad. Half of the time to help him pack things up and move. My father sold the house and is in search of a place to stay, be it an apartment or a rent house. Travis will be hauling things down here with him to put into storage or keep in this house.

They are coming down Sunday and dad is leaving on Tuesday. Poor Dad… The trip is eight freaking hours!

In addition, tomorrow I will be seeing the psychologist. I am rather… um… unfeeling about it. Alternatively, perhaps I am and yet am not paying attention to them.

Anyway, this week was nice, quiet and I started printing out a few things I wanted to buy but seemed ridiculous to purchase since they were stickers, and some had poor color scheming so I redid them. I am either a freak, or I am a smart cheapskate. Hu!

Also, I am somewhat getting bored with Ventrilo. I expected as much. I never was much of a phone talker so why would I be much of a microphone one? It is nice hearing so many different voices though. It just tires my throat and I really lack words to say. I can tell that much in even mere typing chat rooms.

I also have an odd thing for looking at costumes this year. I suppose the up coming Halloween season did it… as well as scheming with CP and Neko. I want to buy things! Prop weapons! Small costume accessories! Fun times! Along with that I have been looking at novelties… I want those too. Rubik’s cube, pin art, mood rings, mini play card deck, slinky! Eesh! I want too much. I have become materialistic. How sad.

Oh well.

I guess that is all I am writing other than notes.

On the 14th and 28th I need to change the filter.

The 19th I see the damnable dentist.