For the Heck of It…

If I were a month, I would be: December or January
If I were a day of the week, I would be: Friday
If I were a time of day, I would be: 12AM
If I were a planet, I would be: Jupiter or Uranus
If I were a sea animal, I would be: Jellyfish
If I were a direction, I would be: North or South
If I were a piece of furniture, I would be: Bed
If I were a sin, I would be: Tristia
If I were a historical figure I would be: Not sure, but likely Van Gogh or Emily Dickinson
If I were a liquid, I would be: Blood
If I were a stone, I would be: Quantum Quattro Silica
If I were a tree, I would be: Oak
If I were a bird, I would be: Mourning Dove
If I were a tool, I would be: Pen
If I were a flower/plant, I would be: Weed
If I were a kind of weather, I would be: Wind
If I were a mythical creature, I would be: Chiron
If I were a musical instrument, I would be: Violin
If I were an animal, I would be: Feline
If I were a color, I would be: Bluish Teal
If I were an emotion, I would be: Detachment
If I were a vegetable, I would be: Potato
If I were a sound, I would be: Breathing
If I were an element, I would be: Air
If I were a car, I would be: Refurbished
If I were a song, I would be: The Point of No Return
If I were a movie, I would be: Goodwill Hunting
If I were a book, I would be written by: Myself
If I were a food, I would be: Rice
If I were a place, I would be: Annwn
If I were a taste, I would be: Bland
If I were a scent, I would be: Ocean breeze
If I were a religion, I would be: Pantheism
If I were a word, I would be: Okay-yo
If I were a body part, I would be: Pituitary gland
If I were a facial expression, I would be: Blank
If I were a subject in school, I would be: Sociology or Psychology
If I were a cartoon character, I would be: L
If I were a shape, I would be: Elliptical
If I were a number, I would be: 13
If I were an item of clothing, I would be: Tank top
If I were a piece of jewelry, I would be: Ring
If I were a clothing accessory, I would be: Belt

Freaking Sad! …

I just finished a two season series… it claimed the ending to be happy, and it likely was for the most part but… GAH!!!! It was freaking sad for a certain part! Sobs! Sigh… oh well. I am not one for writing the happiest things either. Heh.
Ah… and my dad came down today. It was near eight I believe. He arrived right when I was hitting the bed. Yeah, my poor dad… caught me right when I was going to sleep. I’m a bad person. Eesh!
Sigh… anyway, there is no word on Neko or Pup… I guess I have come to expect that over time. I’ve known them for over two years now… Strange.
Hum… well… I guess that is all I really have to write. I just wanted to vent out the “Sadness”. Hu.
Um… Yeah.


Not much to write. My dad came down here on Friday and will be going back today. My sister was here for one night, I believe Saturday. My eldest brother arrived yesterday and will be staying for a while. Cleo will be staying definitely this time.
I have not seen CP nor Neko for a while now. I have my scanner back. Some shelves have been put up, thus all of my boxes are emptied finally. I saw Monty Python’s Holy Grail finally. The ending was a disappointment, but other than that it was cool.
I have to see the therapist this afternoon. I think it is a waste of money, really. Um…
I cannot really think of much more to type, therefore, this is the end.


My mother took me to the gym with her. She goes there to swim. I thought I would do simply five laps, since I had not swam for about three years. That time was only a few nights, and that had been after not swimming for perhaps three years as well. I did the laps at my top speed. Stupid, yes… but I lack patience on such things. Well, my inner right thigh is a bit annoying and since I rarely work out my arms compared to my legs… well, they feel tired. I bet they will be aching by tomorrow.
I recieved a headache and a huge bout of nausia due to the chlorine. I doubt I’ll be going back any time soon. Swimming just is not fun for me anymore. Back before, I swam like a fish my mother tells me. I believe her. I loved swimming back then. Funny thing is… all of that stopped after I started my depression. Ever since then… even now… Swimming just does not appeal to me.
Oh, well.

Goodbye to You…

Well, the other night I received mail from Nekotu. She read my journal entry for Tuesday/Wednesday. What has been going on has been elaborated. I have best wishes for her. I know what she is going through to a decent extent, I would believe. She rather knows that story.
It also explained why I lacked in receiving emails from CP. I cannot say I anticipated such a thing to happen, but it happens. It makes sense. I am left somewhat numb. I would say apathetic, but that is not true. The whole issue is pushed to the back of my mind. I can tell since the faint feelings I do have linger softly that I am able to notice them. I shall not dwell.
I guess all of that is why I am typing this entry. Put it down, pour out my thoughts, and move on.
Goodbye to You is not completely fitting, due to it being a song and the lyrics are not quite correct for this. Another title that could have been given this is “Endless Waltz”. What can I say? It is fitting to what is going on. I felt cut off before, but now it is somewhat more… final. Do I feel sorrow for it? Not really. I think I might be used to it by now.
During today, I noticed I am now feeling leery about both the girls. It will not surprise me if one of them reads this, but I am not going to limit my ability to get out my thoughts – and perhaps my feelings – into this. After all, what is the point of a journal when you must be careful of what you write?
Due to the lack of Internet for some weeks, I no longer was able to send them things I wrote or drew. It became something the three of us seemed to enjoy doing. I often questioned if I might have been bothering them by constantly showing them my “works”, but they always assured me.
Now, however… I suddenly feel the lack of connection that used to cause me to wish for them to see my things. I was coloring something. I finally had the paint program back, so I decided to test myself to determine how rusty I had become. All the while, I kept thinking that I did not feel the need to show the girls it when done.
I had similar thoughts about the changes, additions and stand alone writings I did whilst the three of us lost the ability to contact each other. When I had been doing said things, I was wishing I could show them. I was wishing I could send them through the Internet. Now though… I do not care to.
CP and Neko are growing up in ways that alienate me from them. It also alienates them from each other, but it does the same for me in different ways as well.
When Neko sent me the email, I responded. I kept indifferent, gave advice she could take heed to or throw away, and wished her luck. It caused me to recollect how if I were younger I would have told her how I felt, been in inner turmoil and such. She was experiencing that already though; therefore, I skipped all of that.
One, my feelings are muted. It seems over time I am not longer so emotional like I was when younger. I do not know what to think of that. Anyway, two, we were talking about her; therefore, it would stay on her. Three, I am her friend. When I take on the role of the friend, I intend to stick with it. I am stubborn and perhaps loyal. It can hurt, but I make myself a promise. I tell myself I will always be there for whatever friend. I intend to keep that true.
One word came to mind through all of this.


It made me smile faintly when it popped into my mind. It is the most glaring thought out of all of this. The infamous story was first titled that. It had many issues I had undergone. Now such issues seem to be rising again. Happily, though, this time I am no longer affected intensely. I still do not know if that is a good sign or not, but I am content emotionally nonetheless.
I guess I just knew it would end up all the same. Like with the previous twins I knew, a pipe dream was formed. I knew do to the fact that it was dreamt up by three people, there was even less likelihood of it occuring. Once one member pulls out, the dream is already changed. Once both are gone, then the dream has no chance to take flight at all.Despite that, it was a beautiful dream. There is nothing wrong with dreaming.
Usually the song “Shimmer” would always come along whenever these sorts of scenarios occur. Instead, a different song entered my mind. I guess it is because it is no longer so painful a thing.
Well, those are my main thoughts. If Neko or CP read this, all I can say is our overused phrase.

I am sorry.

I could elaborate as to what the apology is for, but I can say that it is not regret for how I feel.

*My Fingers are Frozen…

Well, I have the Internet back. Sadly, I am also rendered to Windows again – what a bitch. Heh. It took me a while to get used to it again, but I’m starting to get a handle once more. I just know that spyware programs and all of that junk are going to become great annoyances to me now. That will be one of the main things I’ll miss about Linux.
Oh well, I guess it is not so bad. It was a pain redoing everything though. I have all the things I require back, minus one program, I believe. A condolence for the loss is that I can use the old graphic editing program I had before now.
I mentioned somewhere about finding the old Gateway laptop my mom used back during my years in middle school. Well, lo and behold, it had the very program. Yeah, it is that bloody old. I love it though. The new ones today are all hyped and confuse me to hell. If I do figure them out, they are a freaking pain to use anyway due to the many steps required. Another thing is that I cannot have certain precisions on them… that is not a good combination with OCD, which in turn does not due well with someone who is prone to repressed anger issues. Restraint! Restraint!
Anyway, there was another paint program I used to use, but that one was freakishly old too, and it was not on said laptop. Hopefully, I will find a more updated version of it that will be of use. If not… well, at least I have the main program I cared about.
My dad came here on Friday. He really needs to learn how to rest. Sheesh. In midst of this, he helped me relocate a shelf in my closet. He was the one who broke it to me that I’d have to revert to Windows. He did all that happy junk for me. It was a painful time. Heh. It was a bitch for him to try to get the Internet working. It became a bastard when he bought a splitter cable and it caused much problems in terms of the Internet as well as doing nothing for my TV.
I have two lamps for my night stands finally. My father bought me speakers for some reason – apparently he thinks my using a pair of headphones to not be acceptable. Bah. I also have a light pull for my ceailing fan, the previous one was for a little boy’s room – previous owner.
Mom found a bookshelf that she thought was black. She took me to see it. I automatically could tell it was brown. Heh. I’m such a bastard. My parents do not realize how well I differenciate colors. Yes, the wood was very dark. That did not change the fact that I could tell it was brown. This time around I did not say no to it. I figure, even though I know it is not black, apparently most people cannot. My parents have been great examples to this.
Today I had the doors to my closet taken off. They are those slide folding ones. My father struggled trying to get one of them out. I wandered off, got my multi-tool and made it into a screwdriver. I undid one screw. my dad argued it would only adjust something. I dismissed him, I was going to try it out. If it worked then yay! If not, oh well. To his demise it worked. I was humored.
I still have a few things left to do about my room before it is deemed “complete enough”. It will be a while before it is “complete”. What is required for “complete enough”, is the ability to unpack the rest of my boxes. Said boxes are three. Two hold books. The other holds my downcomforter, which is the cushioning for some fragile things that need a shelf to be put on. So yeah, I need some more shelves put up and then everything will be unpacked.
Well, I cannot say I can think of much more… I saw the therapist last Monday. I saw the psychiatrist last Friday. There is nothing new in both sessions. I won’t see the therapist for the next two Mondays, from what I believe. If not, it is one Monday. Since things have been going well for me, I will not see the psychiatrist for four months. I shrug at such.
Um… CP and Neko are still absent. They have a house guest that was supposed to stay only for a short time. He’s become something of a long term resident, I think. They are having their troubles, but I cannot really keep up due to lack of communication. I can only wish them well.
Well, my hands are still freakishly cold, thus making it a bitch to type. I guess that will be all, other than that my dad is leaving this morning when the hour is not near 2 in the morning.


[ ] My fingernails / toenails are almost always painted
[ ] During the summer the only shoes I wear are flip flops
[ ] My favorite toys as a child were Barbies(And My Little Ponies)
[ ] My favorite color is pink or purple
[ ] I did Gymnastics
[ ] I love skirts
[ ] Hollister is one of my favorite places to shop (I don’t even have THAT here)
[ ] Tight jeans are the only jeans I’ll wear
[ ] I love chocolate
[x] I’ve never had a real job


[ ] My hair is almost always straightened
[ ] I have at least 8 myspace pictures
[ ] I usually go shopping once a week
[ ] I love to hang out at the mall with friends
[ ] I have a real diamond ring or diamond necklace or earrings
[ ] I’ve gone to a tanning salon
[ ] I’ve gone to the beach to tan – Not to swim
[ ] I have at least 10 pairs of shoes
[ ] I watch either the OC or Laguna Beach
[ ] I change my icon weekly
[ ] I wear a shower cap


[x] I don’t shop at Hot Topic
[ ] My cell phone might as well become a part of me
[ ] I wear mascara everyday
[ ] I’ve been or am on a diet
[ ] Bathing suits are adorable
[ ] I don’t know the difference between a sheep and a goat.
[ ] Big sunglasses are hot
[ ] I have gotten my nails done before
[ ] MTV is one of my favorite channels


[ ] All I want to do at sleepovers is talk about boys
[ ] I love to have girls do my hair
[ ] I give and receive hugs from all my friends
[x] I hate bugs
[ ] Carnivals are so fun!
[ ] Summer is THE best season
[ ] My swimsuit has 2 pieces
[ ] I’m waiting for my knight in shining armor
[ ] Musicians are so hot
[ ] You write me a poem and tell me im beautiful and im all yours


[x] I am self-conscious
[ ] I cry often
[ ] My car smells like vanilla or cherry
[ ] My dishes get washed more than once a week
[x] I don’t do sports
[x] I HATE to run
[ ] I squeal when I am surprised or angry
[ ] I eat dried fruit as a snack
[ ] I love romance novels
[ ] Drew Barrymore is so cute


[ ] I dance a lot.
[ ] Usually spend an hour or over to get ready to leave my house
[ ] I only have like 5 billion hair products
[ ] I love to get dressed up.
[ ] Every part of my outfit needs to match
[ ] I talk on the phone at least once a day to my friends
[ ] I would love to have a photo shoot
[ ] I apply lip stuff 50 times a day
[ ] I wish I were a model


[ ] I wish I could meet Paris Hilton
[ ] I have been something that was semi
[ ] I own Uggs
[ ] Hip Hop is the best music
[ ] I pop my collar
[ ] I like to be the center of attention
[ ] Guys with Mohawks are crazy
[ ] Horses are beautiful
[ ] I’d rather not pay attention in school
[x] Cats are adorable


[x] I write my own music
[ ] I would love to visit Hawaii
[ ] Valentine’s day is so cute!
[ ] White is better than black
[ ] I wouldn’t be caught dead in all black
[ ] My closet is STOCK FULL of clothes
[ ] Hate the grunge look
[ ] I love to read magazines


[ ] I love to gossip
[ ] I had Lisa Frank folders / posters / notebooks as a kid
[ ] I love Celine Dion
[ ] My bubble baths are 1 – 2hrs long
[ ] My wedding only needs a groom because it’s already planned
[x] My friends and I are in a strict group. We mostly only hang out with each other.
[ ] I like little kids
[ ] Diet drinks are the best
[ ] I’m all about being vegetarian
[ ] I refuse to eat at McDonalds


[ ] I check my Myspace everyday.
[ ] I love life!
[ ] I have a lot of jewelry!
[ ] My screen name(s) have x’s in them
[ ] Either one of my Myspace names has / had <3’s or in them
[ ] I would never want to be the opposite sex
[ ] It’s not what he / she said it’s the way he / she said it
[ ] I have more than 3 pillows on my bed



Huh… the lowest I saw on the journal I snatched this from was a 13. I’m so proud. *Smirks*