My “perfect” guy:
Smells like sandalwood.
Has eyes that change colors.
Is freakishly tall.
Sings without a care.
Dresses up (tie, dress shirt and the like…) for no reason.
Chooses a teardrop to be his favorite shape.
Has stringy black hair that falls constantly over his eyes.
Does magic tricks for a hobby.
Seems to never get cold.
Shaves his underarms.
Can lead an engaging conversation with ease.
Has a thing for masks.
Knows how to cook.
Has a dry, sarcastic sense of humor.
Doesn’t mind being poked in the stomach.
Likes collecting swords.
Is cold on the outside but is undeniably warm hearted.
Doesn’t mind being a “bartender” to me.
Can play songs on the piano by ear.
Will run around in a cape.
Has a spectacular memory (and helps me remember things).

My “perfect” girl:
Smells like roses.
Has one blue eye and one green.
Is around my height.
Goes on long walks in the rain without an umbrella (and does not get sick from it).
Still plays dress up with Halloween costumes when the mood strikes.
Loves symbolism.
Has an annoying cowlick in her auburn hair.
Does ventriloquism for a hobby.
Lets me use her legs like a blanket to warm myself up.
Doesn’t shave her legs.
Knows the value of quiet time.
Has a thing for wearing men’s dress shirts. (Hot…)
Knows how to fix almost anything.
Has a quirky, odd-ball sort of humor.
Understands that expressing love is very awkward.
Likes collecting comics.
Will hold long, unimportant conversations with me over strange beliefs.
Is undeniably kind and understanding.
Can whistle my favorite song.
Will speak her “own language”.
Is a walking dictionary.

Holiday Season…

The beginning of the week has very little relevance I should think. I did, however, have the fortune of seeing Eileen and had glimpses of Erin. Poor Erin! Either my messenger would be horrid, or some sort of family plans would separate us. They are doing decent, as their lives can be I suppose, but it still leaves much to be desired. I can only hope they manage.

I did a bit more cleaning – diligence would perhaps be more specific – than usual because my father and brother will spend the weekend with us.

Wednesday went as usual until my mom came home from her massage. She wished to go to a sale being held at Belks. I accompanied her. She required shoes and socks for the changing weather. I was merely there to get out of the house as usual. I received three small purchases though that added up to being about 15 dollars, I would predict. Mother bought four pairs of shoes and some socks. She apparently saved greatly. I know little of such things, so I take her word on it. We ended the day by getting supper and then going home.

Tuesday and Wednesday were the bulk cleaning wise. Thursday were for finishing touches. My brother left with my mother’s dog around nine for my eldest brother’s house. I cleaned and made certain none of the cats were locked in any of the bedrooms. I then took a shower and a nap.

I had not received much sleep the night before – well, not exactly. I slept late afternoon until ten PM. My sleeping is odd.

My mother returned, waking me up from my one-hour nap, and we left for my eldest brother’s residence. We arrived two hours later and I lounged on the couch. Apparently, I was wrong about our plans. We were not congregating there, but at my first cousin’s home, which is about twenty or so minutes away.

The day went as expected. The food was cooked, we met, we ate, and we spent time in each other’s company. I did not keep my record of being the first to finish eating. I suppose it is because I have the tendency not to eat until everyone has their plates full.

I did my usual habit of eating “away” from everyone else. I took vacancy at the counter/bar with my back turned away from everyone (who all were at tables), more or less. I did listen though. I laughed and muttered things in response be the word heard or not. That is quite different from my usual disposition. It was interesting to say the least.

One thing that is sad is that there was a relative who I see every Thanksgiving who I never identified how he was related before. He is the brother of my “aunt” – first cousin. I lacked knowledge of his name as well and it was not until the end of the meeting did I find out – “Uncle Ron”. I do not know his daughters names either.

They separate themselves from the rest of the family, much like I do I suppose. I never knew much about the family tree in truth. I do not know why exactly. Perhaps it is because I rarely see any of them. Perhaps it is my lacking in social behavior. Perhaps it is because I am “so young”. Likely, it is all of those.

We left for home eventually. I went to bed around nine but I awoke again about two hours later. I could not sleep because of the drastic change of surroundings and the unfamiliar smell of the room. I stayed up until around three or so I believe.

Friday, I woke up at twelve. About ten or so minutes later, I went to get a haircut. I was intending it to be shorter, but oh well. My mother and I left and then did shopping. She needed things for her office. We did stopped to eat first. I have found my stomach has grown. I used to not eat much because it was small. The weight changes I am undergoing disturbs me some. The first quarter of the year, I lost around ten pounds. The rest of the summer I slowly lost about five more pounds. Now I am getting my weight back by around 5-10. That is a lot of change in my case.

We left for shopping then. My mom was quite terrible about navigating the place, so I was often telling her where to go. She finally accumulated what she wanted and then we went back to my brother’s place. Soon after, we packed to go back home. I slept through most of the trip, about an hour. I woke and my mother and I talked. Mainly it was of her recollections of the past and in regards to the family tree. Simply put, I was quite lost and still waking up. I also require visuals when it comes to something like a family tree.

Anyway, we got home and not long after I fell asleep. When I awoke I was able to see Eileen for a while, but a storm came and knocked me offline. That is life.

Today was spent viewing houses up for sale. I saw one I really liked, but my father complained about the size. Sigh. Well, after that we came back home. I went directly to my room. My mother went to Belks I believe and my father and brother went to Lowe’s for some blinds.

That is my week so far. I suppose I will take a nap. I had not gone to sleep until around four or five this morning I believe and awoke around nine.

Notes are the following:

My appointment with the psychologist is moved to December the second.

December the ninth, my mother will attend some party for work.

My birthday is coming up, how insane.

My brother’s birthday will come up on the twenty-second.

Christmas… wow.

~ That is all…

Way Down…

I ended up having a cold on Tuesday. Therefore, I felt terrible most of the week and was often in bed. I resumed my usual routine though. I did my chores. I found I would get winded as well as clammy after doing them and of course found it pathetic.

I concluded that I feel human most when not around humans. I noted this to my mother, which she found odd. It made sense to me though. I had nothing to necessarily compare myself to. I was not around people who spoke of things I had little knowledge of. I did not feel the role of the outcast. I believe I would be suited for living like characters such as Quasimodo or Erik in terms of solitude.

We did not go grocery shopping on Friday and instead went today. My cold eased some, but then again I was sleeping even more than usual. I still became winded and clammy, which was annoying. I am still utterly grateful for liquids and feel sorry for those less fortunate.

Even in my less favorable of health, I have been reading. It is ridiculous how many stories I am reading all at once. I believe I am getting the many different plots tangled together. Oh well. The stories intrigue me and yet they are not finished. Sigh.

The picture of the cat is finally finished. I believe I completed it on Tuesday or Wednesday. I cannot be certain. After so much shading in pen to make it a black cat, it was ruined due to coloring with marker. It did not occur to me that the ink would be diminished by the wetness of the ink. Alas, the deed is done. It is still a decent enough picture and thus shall be kept. I worked on another, this time with charcoal, of the legs of a ballerina. The reason for such, I have not the slightest. I perhaps just have a penchant for pretty legs like I do for arms. For shame…

I finished the drawing on Friday. In the middle of it, I left to accompany my mother on taking tour of houses for sale. As noted, I believe, we are in a rental home. We looked at two houses.

The first was splendid, but out of consideration of what sort of furniture we own, I was highly questionable of where it would go. Then again, I am one for order. My parents would likely put things wherever they will fit rather then how well they will look and balance out.

The second was not quite something I had seen before. It was interesting to say the least. I found it likeable. My mother begged to differ. When leaving, a Siamese came out from across the street and I was automatically enchanted. I realized I showed more enthusiasm over a mere feline than of the lovely homes. I suppose I am indeed a cat lover. The creature was either quite amiable to strangers or I was simply approachable. Either way, to my delight I started coddling it. I loved the meow! Sigh. I had to take leave though. It was a shame. I wish to get a Siamese and raise it one day.

It is amazing how time flies for me. Soon it will be Thanksgiving, which will turn to December and then my birthday to my brother’s on towards Christmas. As mentioned elsewhere in this journal of unimportant rambles, Thanksgiving will take at my eldest brother’s abode. I will likely do as usual. I will get myself a modest plate, eat alone, be the first to finish and then meander on off elsewhere. It should be hilarious by now to not know I am a creature of solitude.

My mother intends me to get a haircut when there, and I suppose it is necessary. After that, my father will come down with us and stay here for the remainder of his Thanksgiving holiday. I hate to think I disappoint him, considering that I usually am locked away in the room I occupy, but it is my nature. I will admit I step outside my room more when he visits, but I still tend to stay away.

I also changed the title of that “dreadful” story yet again. It first was “Forgotten”, then “Effluo”, then “Guardians”, et cetera… This is perhaps the sixth change. “Touch”. I am such a silly creature. Oh well.

Random Quizzes:

To put it bluntly. You have no friends. You like
being by yourself. You like to read, are smart,
and are shy. But if you put your mind to
something you are determined!

What r u? Prep, Goth, Randm, Loner, Punk, etc… Awesome resultz! 1st evr so be nice!
brought to you by Quizilla

I would hope that was a given.

You have Closed Eyes!
Positive Traits: Intelligent, Creative, Imaginative, Loyal, Honourable
Negative Traits: Depressed, Withdrawn, Pessimistic, Fatalistic, Avoidant

Your eyes are the windows to your soul. What type of eyes do you have?
brought to you by Quizilla

Hm… Yep.

I doubt I have much else to type. I simply figured I had best type all of this now before I forgot it.

~ And the collision of your kiss that made it so hard…

There is not much to say…

There is not much to say. Then again, I usually lack much to say but have the ability to draw it out to make the entries in this journal long. At least, I believe that is the case.

Anyway, the week is again a blur. I never have quite “recovered” from my withdrawal back during Halloween weekend, but it is nothing serious. I am merely… out of commission I suppose.

After I read the mentioned book from my previous entry, I did little else the rest of the week. I read, I typed up small scenes, I cleaned and I drew. I do not even quite remember what I read nor what I drew even. I suppose I will look- Ah. I drew Night and then a picture of a very skeletal man. I worked on a cat the remainder – I suppose I am still working on it but not by much – that is not going as planned due to my pen being a cruel fiendish foe.

By the end of the week, my mother was far too tired to go to the store on Friday and I very well was fine with that. I had been and still am suffering from back problems. I have been staying in bed a ridiculous amount once more due to them. Even then, I had moments that were terrible. I thought my spine and back ribs would disintegrate from it all.

Well, we went to eat that night at the Lake House. I found I rarely talked and was not quite there. I think I am becoming less aware of the world around me in a sense. I do not mind really. It is funny in truth. I recollect the moments I would undergo a depression I would often think life was too monotonous and living would seem trivial to me. I saw no point. I worked like a clock, a robot, a machine, et cetera…

Now I do not feel that way. Perhaps it is because I am now in a fog. Perhaps it is due to my medicine. Perhaps it is from no longer having stress in bountiful amounts. Either way, I have become quite content with my life. For once… I believe I feel human again. It is silly, considering I rarely interact and the like, but still… I suppose it is the solitude.

There is nothing to compare myself to really. I am not in situations where I have to be around people. I do not really converse with them much anymore, not even on the computer. There no longer is an awkwardness or feeling of inadequacy due to not belonging or connecting. I do not have to worry about trying to understand things like what is going on in media. I do not necessarily become “silent” anymore. I merely have no reason to force myself to speak.

I like it. There is no strain or awkwardness. In chat, I rather often had little to say. I knew little of music, movies and absolutely nothing about video games. It was like watching an alien world and merely try to comprehend.

The things that interest me are not exactly conversational. I read, but what I read are not books. Even if they were books, I would have nothing to discuss about them to another. I draw, but I am not of artistic knowledge. I would no analyze a work and try to find the “deeper meaning”. I would have nothing to say about anything I created either in truth. I sometimes record myself singing. I likely will not let others hear the recordings, and even if I did, we would have little to say. The music I listen to is just that. I like it; I listen to it. I do not know genres; I do not know deeper meanings to lyrics half the time. I would happily write about such things when in the mood, but I really am not the type to “discuss” about them.

I write, but I would not show it to another. When I do, I will talk about it. I have noticed this with the girls. I know they like my characters and I can talk freely about ideas in regards to them. It becomes monotonous though. In fact, I mainly converse with them about such topic. We spout ideas, I go into depth, and I show them things I write. Other than that, we lack in conversation for the most part. We do not seem to mind that, but we do not have much to talk about, thus enjoy knowing the other is around. I like that.

Saturday we went to the store. I ached, was tired, felt nausea and eventually had a mild headache. Quite simply, someone loves me. The rest of the weekend was also a blur. I believe it was Sunday did we go to eat at IHOP. That was nice.

It might have been on Saturday or Sunday but I was bedridden beyond repair. My back was going to be the end of me, I thought. I tried laying on it. It only hurt. I tried lying on my stomach, it was excruciating. I tried lying on my side, it was not as bad, but still obviously painful. I curled, and it was then it was tolerable.

Last night we had pizza, but I did not seem to care for it as much as I usually would. I guess I just was not in the mood. In fact, I lack the mood to eat. Previous week, I had been ravenous. This time around, I do not care for food at all. I only eat regularly because it pleases my mother. She gets onto me about my weight, which is silly I think. Until I am down to 105, I see no reason to worry. I am over that by slightly more than ten pounds, and I cannot say I am relatively fond of that, but I allow it.

All that is left to say is that I received word from Neko. Their Internet has been cruel to them once more, hence their absence. I figured as much. I have happily become accustomed to their bouts of absences to the point that I no longer worry. It has become something natural. Relationships over the net can be a scary thing. As Kyle had mentioned before, when someone is absent over a long period without warning and you have no other way to contact him or her, you have so many possibilities as to why he or she is gone. Thinking of terrible occurrences come to mind naturally. I have become to used to such scenarios. Therefore, I simply wait until they make contact.

~ Au revoir…

Gaston Leroux’s The Phantom of the Opera…

I read Gaston Leroux’s The Phantom of the Opera. I, being a slow reader, took over four hours to read the text even though the size was around 350 pages, slightly more. It was all right. I was not enthralled, but it was not terribly boring. I simply cannot find it amazingly memorable. Truthfully, it is somewhat a blur now that I have finished.

It had occurred to me once, after I had watched the 2004 movie that it oddly reminded me of the infamously mentioned story that I began when I was thirteen. After reading the book though, I feel self-assured they are barely alike in text. The topic of the latest movie version does make me consider the main characters deformity, though.

In the book, he is like a “living corpse”; in the musical on Broadway (I have not seen this version) and the latest movie half of the face is intact. From the small amount of research I have done, it seems to be toned down each passing decade. It would not surprise me if in the end he were merely a tormented artist with moments of insanity – no disfiguration that causes need to hide.


Looking at the movie, he did not look frightful at all. If anything were to be terrified of it would be his anger. Sure, sure… one could say that back in that century such a deformity would make a great commotion. These days though, it is “nothing”. For impact, I say stick with the original concept. He is not supposed to be some gorgeous, dark, brooding, mysterious, seductive man.

Wait… never mind. This is year 2005. People go for eye candy and complete distortion of original pieces. Disney is a great example for that.

… I think the entire book is lost to me now. My memory is not a wonderful one. I still believe I have the main points in mind… they just are not in order. Oh well.

My Obsessesion, The Phantom… by masked_phantom
Fav Colour
You love the Phantom because… He is a genius…
Your favourite scene from the movie… On the roof top of the opera populaire…
Favourite Phantom’s costume… He looks great in all of em!
Favourite Phantom’s song… He sounds good in all of them!!!
Favourite Phantom’s mask… He looks sexier without the mask on…
You wish the Phantom… Proposes to you…

What Character from The Phantom of the Opera Are You? by Rubador
Favorite Color
You Sing Wandering Child
You Are The Phantom

What song from Phantom of the Opera is fit for you? by ThePhantress

~ That is all…

Tom on the fourth cometh…

This week is something of a blur once more I suppose. I read a lot and I did my chores.

Where I left off it was Halloween. That night my father cooked spaghetti and for a while after I ate I merely sat in the kitchen by his request, so I would be in there with them. It made me realize how I little well I do in the company of others. I suppose I am just used to solitude. I rather just sat there and stared off really. I am sorry that I make such bad company.

Soon after my father and I were sitting in the living room, I was watching television since as noted socializing is not my strong suit. I left immediately when trick-or-treaters came to the door. They have always made me uncomfortable. Then again, the outside tends to make me uncomfortable.

By that, I mean, the constant noise, I suppose. For a while, my mother has been opening the windows to rely on the outside weather instead of the air conditioner. It unnerved me. The sound of cars passing by and other noises set me on edge. I suppose it is because the sound was louder than usual. I am used to things being muted and I suppose when outside I am more “prepared”.

At one point, I remember it was sprinkling. It might have been on Monday as well. All I know is that I became ecstatic by the weather with how windy it was. When it started to sprinkle, I went outside and enjoyed it. It is a penchant of mine, I suppose. I remembered how one summer it was raining and I went out in my usual clothing. I sat down in a sun chair and let the rain pour down on me. I believe the others found it peculiar.

Well, Tuesday came and my father had to take his leave. He departed around eight AM and I was the only one to see him off. I am not certain, but I think it was that day my mother and I went to find her a chair for her computer desk at Office Max. Either way, the task did happen.

Whilst she went to look at chairs, I browsed about the aisle that held many writing utensils. I had been undergoing a small drawing spree – too bad it stopped abruptly. I received some markers and pens whilst she bought her chairs. My mother, I have found, is great at milking bargains. I believe the chair was 120 and she got it for around 85. I doubt I will ever have such abilities. I lack in understanding such things. I would be the gullible sap who is cheated a lot.

As I waited on her, I stumbled on multi-purpose tools. I love those things. Four in one screwdrivers, pocketknives, and the like are fun. I mainly like collecting them more so than using. Then again, I rarely need to use things. It never hurts to have them around though. Heck, I have a small saw in a box a foot away from my feet. Fun times.

Anyway, the rest of the week was likely reading, typing, writing, drawing and cleaning. My mom left for my brother’s house to check on the cats Friday and was to be gone until Sunday night. Therefore, my brother and I fended for ourselves. I ran out of food and I considered my brother godsend for cooking a family sized frozen lasagna. Yes, I am that pathetic at cooking. The rest of the weekend I was eating peanuts, bread, or peanut butter – yes, I did not eat them together.

I read mainly and at one point, I typed up a small story. It did not come out as I hoped, but that is all right. I was out most of Sunday and I missed when my mother came home. When I awoke it was around eight or nine. She and my brother had eaten so I was wandering around trying to find something to eat. Heh. She went to bed and I stayed up. I have no idea when I went back to bed.

Today is a blur. I read, I cleaned… when my mom came home we went to get groceries. It was the usual expedition until we were checking out. The girl scanning things had arachnophobia. She saw a spider smaller than a pencil’s eraser head and freaked out, crying and the like. I did not notice until the groceries stopped coming my way. When I finally did I saw most of the other workers as well as people waiting were staring at the girl. I finally got a look at her and realized something happened. Yes, I do not notice things outside my head much.

It surprised me though. I never encountered a person who had a phobia so bad, much less witnessing the fear at its worst. I murmured to my mother that it was good her fear was simply over spiders. She would not be able to function well at all if the phobia were something like the fear of the color yellow.

We spoke a bit about my mother’s cat, named Mocha Delight or for short Moki, who is the most terrified creature I have ever come upon. We think he was traumatized before she even bought him. He is easily spooked. Skittish. I noted to myself that it is interesting that he and I never bonded. One would think we would. He hides away under the bed and comes out at night. I hide in my room and am most active at night.


Well, I suppose that is all that my feeble mind has to recollect. Well, that and the reminded of my brother owing me twenty dollars. He borrowed the money to go bowling with his fellow workers. He needs the socializing; which is funny coming from me, but he does. He is used to having at least some friends and even though he has been here for a year or something along those lines, he has no friends. Then again, no one in my family really is the type to make friends – at least close ones.

~ I am Colorblind…