Detachment

I read something I wrote a good while ago earlier this month. This was before I had a brief mania-induced period strike. Yeah, I still get small bouts of mania from time to time despite medication. Anyway, upon reading it I couldn’t help but shake my head. It was my last SS “entry”.

That entry was comprised of various parts rather than being written all at once. It was also focused solely on my my best friend at the time. I shake my head a bit over it out of amusement if anything… because boy did I sound like a nut job then. I’m pretty sure if He read it, there would be a very high likelihood of Him being rather disturbed. For all I know, my friend might have already read it, though. For all I know he already knew I was that way anyway. Whatever.

The thing about the entry is, I sound like a freaking stalker. Looking back, to some extent I might have been that – if not still have such tendencies inside me still. Because of this, being shamed of the matter seems pointless. It is my nature and I understand why I did and would likely still do it: I am bloody inept at relations with humans.

In my last entry I wrote about my lacking ability to be a good friend. I suppose this sort of relates to it. While that was about only being able to be a good friend to one of a similar view of the importance of the relationship, I suppose this is about just how hard it is to actually even get to the point of making friends.

I never made a human friend in real life on my own merit before until I met him. All of my human friend before were introduced really. My first friend appeared when I was around four, I believe. I met her through my mom. Basically her mom and my mom were friends, so we were bound to meet and being of the same sex, we were bound to be urged to play together.

In all logical means, if it hadn’t been for our parents, I doubt we would have ever really been friends by chance. She was half a year younger than me and was an outgoing girl full of imagination. I was the quiet, shy girl who didn’t learn to talk until she was three. On our own, I doubt she’d have noted me much. On our own, I’m not sure I’d have been willing. In the end, I think we were an okay pair.

She was a good influence on me, I believe. While she was outgoing she was never forceful from what I recall. I’d just follow and let her take lead be it a made up game or a given activity. I was okay with being more outgoing with her. Her name was Jill.

Through Jill I met another girl later in kindergarten a year. I’m not sure if we ever would have hung out otherwise. Since she was my a friend of my first and only friend… I’d be her friend as well. I don’t remember us doing much together or anything, maybe we did… I know we all sat at the same table though. Her name was Denise.

A year later in first grade I met Denise’s twin sister. I mistook her fro Denise at first, of course, but soon was able to tell them apart. If I met them now after having seen neither for seven or so years, I’d likely be able to tell them apart if you stuck them side by side. They may have been identical, but I saw the subtle differences.

Anyway, because she was Denise’s sister and I had neither Jill nor Denise in that class, we eventually became friends. I might have gotten along with her best when it came to personalities at the time, really. Again, if she hadn’t been Denise’s sister and Denise hadn’t been Jill’s friend and Jill hadn’t been the daughter of my Mom’s friend… I really have no idea how I would have made out in the friend department on my own.

Well, anyway, after that, those three were my group. They were my main friends. Yeah, they gained other friends and a girl I’ve mentioned before on here named Mandi was a friend to mainly Brooke and Denise… I pretty much stuck to those three.

Third grade none of them were in my class, I believe. But then again, maybe Denise was… I think I remember her getting praised fro being an “Accelerated Reader”. That was probably the year she was always hanging with Mandi. Jill and Brooke were elsewhere. I think Brooke found a friend in a girl named Jamie. I don’t remember her last name, but she had the same birthday as me. Overall, I didn’t see the three of them much.

In the end, that year I kind of became friends with a girl named Kristen. She was friends with a boy named Chance. Thinking back on it, I think she just kind of let me follow her. We rode the same bus to school. After that year we never really spoke again and I never knew what became of her after elementary. Chance, I never knew him much, but he disappeared after elementary as well. I found later that he moved due to bullying.

People might say I made friends on my own with those two, but I always have had a funny way of defining things. To me, the relationship I had with them isn’t what I consider similar to the sort of friendship I write of in this. Friendship to me is something stronger. I suppose in most likely terms they would have been “casual friends”. ‘Sort of like friends you make during a summer vacation out of town and likely never see again.

Fourth grade I was able to have Brooke in my class again. I think we rekindled our friendship again that year. Jill and Denise… I think Jill was busy playing soccer against boys that year and Denise was still mainly hanging with Mandi.

Somewhere in that time we all had a mutual friend in a girl named April though. April was again not a close friend. I think I only knew her for a year or two at best.

Transitioning school I don’t think I saw Brooke, Denise or Jill that much. I’m pretty sure I had Mandi during at least one class and tried to become better friends with her since she was good friends with Denise. That was how I learned to make friends apparently. I’d befriend the friends of my friends. Sadly, that doesn’t always work out. I never should have tried to be friends with Mandi.

Middle school I had one class with Jill before she moved. We weren’t extremely close anymore by then though. I don’t think I had any classes with Brooke or Denise that year. If I had any with Mandi, I don’t remember that either.

I should have understood that clinging onto our friendship was becoming futile by then. I didn’t though, because I thought of them as “real friends”. We had stopped being that around that time really.

I still tried to hang around Brooke and Denise, but I could no longer relate to them and they made their own friends. We had no classes together. I should have let them go, but as said… I had no idea how to make friends.

Making friends was a simple matter… Grow a single seed and then as it grows, follow on and continue to the ever reaching limbs. Well, apparently I couldn’t do that forever. A common beginning doesn’t mean a common end for everyone.

Thus, we are at seventh grade again. Particularly alone and undergoing some considerable mental and emotional problems… I guess it was inevitable I’d reach out to someone. I did that a bit on the Internet actually… I made a brief friend via the net here and there. No matter how deep or how personal you get with someone on the Internet, however… it tends to end soon enough. That, and you can never bring them with you to school. You can never actually touch or talk to them. You can never meet them and hang out. At least, not when they live all the way across the country you are in.

Therefore, yes… I eventually needed a human in real life to befriend. That human wound up being my best friend. That human went by the name Kyle.

Like how I figured with the previous three girls, I never noticed him. At least, I didn’t right away. I probably would have gone my whole seventh grade year (possibly the rest of my life) not knowing him if it hadn’t been for a strange work of fate… or something like that.

The teacher exchanged seats with the boy who sat next to me with him. Said boy was giving me troubles, so she picked Kyle of all people to sit down next to me. I didn’t notice him at all. I likely never would have really noticed him if he hadn’t taken the initiative. He took it because he apparently noticed me. He noticed me because I mentioned surfing the Internet and spending most of my time on the computer. Thank you for small miracles.

Kyle made me laugh. He made me laugh during a time I was forgetting how to smile. It was a dry laugh, but it was something. It was something for a child who no longer could smile with ease. It was something for a person who could no longer shed tears. It was something for those who are alone.

Slowly… I began to notice him without him doing something silly or making a witty remark. I liked his presence. I liked his intelligence. I liked his sarcasm. I liked him.

All of those I befriended in the past be it “real friendship”, “casual friendship” or “hopeless friendship” were all smart or at least worked hard at school. I’ve always liked the mature, the wise and the intelligent. A person doesn’t have to be all of those things, but yeah. Kyle seemed to have various ounces of all of those things.

Yes, in time, I looked forward to seeing him. He was a fine classmate, I thought. At that time, I believe I was wishing to become his friend.

I had no idea how to go about doing that though. We had no share acquaintances. I had no idea who any of his friends were, what his interests were, et cetera. All I knew was that I found him to be nice, smart, funny and interesting. It never occurred to me to simply ask him to be my friend. I’d never asked that before.

Without any prior knowledge to how to properly make friends, I went about the process slowly and… methodically. That is where the “stalking” came in. It was all rather logical in essence. At least, it seemed that way.

Concept:
I want to be friends.
I know nothing about him.
Asking personal questions outright is rude.
Observe then.

Therefore, I observed. I’d pick out the simple things at first. He was right handed, he has brown hair, his name was Kyle. After that I’d notice things. He wrote his last name on his worksheet. He mentioned liking Garfield the Cat. His favorite color is green. He could quote Poe’s “The Raven”…

Thus throughout the year I slowly gathered the trivial information that I could. In all that time I had no idea we were actually becoming friends in the process. I just kept paying attention, picked up information and enjoyed the rare times I saw him.

It wasn’t until eighth grade did he actually confirm we were friends. Apparently he had thought we were such for a long time. I in turn never knew. I wanted to be his friend and at times thought of us as friends, but without the confirmation, I could have been just a mere acquaintance as far as he was concerned. Therefore, that day I guess we were both surprised. In my case, pleasantly.

I suppose my “stalking” eased after that. At the same time, he was my sole “real friend”. Yeah, I had some acquaintances. There was a girl named “Beth” he and I knew. I don’t really remember any others that year…

Ninth grade I had some fine acquaintances/casual friends. The majority of them wound up in art class. There was Billy, Kasei and to some extent Rebecca. There was also Jeff from the Library. Oddly he wound up with a crush on me. O.o… He never told me such plainly though and instead wrote me a note. I didn’t realize what he meant until later. (Again, I need literal, to the point, confirming words. My processing system is very black and white.)

Yeah, though…

Looking back and considering that nutty sounding entry I wrote before moving here… I’m still not sure if I have any experience in making a friend properly. Maybe if I ever meet a person who interests me the way Kyle had, I’ll know to simply say, “I enjoy your company. Would you mind being friends?” My past self, however…

I don’t fault her at all for going about things such a way. Maybe I am still that way to this day. I have no idea. It was an interesting discovery about myself, nonetheless.

“God apparently left out a few functions in this one.”

I haven’t written any entries about life lately, but it has been the same ol’ same ol’. The Christmas season played out as usual. Basically it grated on my sanity and I was looking forward to normalcy to return. We also were pretty tight on money this year, so very little gift giving. Fortunately for all of us, none of us care about getting gifts that much and rather expect nothing anyway.

January has been okay. Mom did hit low on her bank account and needed aid from me, so what would be considered a sizable amount in my books was given. She says she’ll try to pay me back as soon as possible, but I don’t really care. I told her she didn’t have to. How it will play out ultimately is undetermined.

Anyway… what did “inspire” to write is none of the above. If anything it was something I realized during my mom and my usual haircut trip. Basically it is this: I definitely make for a shoddy friend.

I’ve always had my morals when growing up. I had my views of right and wrong, good and bad when it came to many things. I always wanted to be a good friend.

I realize that I look at friendship in an almost idyllic way… perhaps as silly as how little girls dreaming of their prince charming or Mr. Right. I would take the promise of “Beast Friends Forever” to the grave. I likely still would considering how I am wired. Friendships to more… those relationships are like precious gems to me, I think. One might ask, how does that make me a shoddy friend? Then if there are some bright people out there, they already know.

When I had a friend I would make a promise to myself to always be there for him or her when needed. I would be helpful, steadfast, loyal… I would be the best friend I could possibly be. I would always stick up for my friends, always be on their side… and if two of my friends were fighting, I’d do what I could to make them forgive and forget. I put my very soul into my friendships.

That was my downfall.

Friendship isn’t treasured to that extent by others. Maybe there are some out there who treasure their relationships to such an extent, but I have yet to find them. Because of this, I am bound to resent any friend I come to have who doesn’t take out friendship to the same level. Unappreciated, forgotten, unnoticeable.

It was my fault.

I told my mom at some point, “I really should have ended my friendship with them after elementary.”

I was too idealistic, though. I believed in our promises. We’d be best friends forever. I fought for years to keep the ties firm, but they wore away each passing year, month, week, day.

Preadolescence, beginning adolescence… almost everyone wants to fit in, find a niche, be cool… That is what my childhood friends searched for then. I never felt that way. I already had a place, a niche… I had it in them. That place wasn’t good enough anymore though.

I watched them get crushes on boy bands, pour over teen magazines and so forth in the beginning. None of that really interested me, but I didn’t shun it either. Nonetheless, they already were entering a world I didn’t understand. Still, they were them and that was all that mattered. A year passes, we’ve been separated quite a bit due to different classes. They met new people, made new friends… but at the same time they changed. Trying to be cool they stopped caring about homework, cursed and so forth. They bad mouthed the boy bands they coveted just a year or two before  and deny ever liking them. They make things I take quite seriously into jokes and I slowly become the person they turn to for advice when they have problems, but leave in the dust when they want someone fun.

End of middle school, beginning of high school… I don’t know at all them anymore. They take the side of those more influential because they are afraid for their reputations. They get into trouble, do drugs and try to be bad ass. They try to cheat off me – one time they harassed me via the phone one night so I had to unplug the phone line. One becomes a two-faced bitch who would make fun of me behind my back, laugh how I was a fag and denied it when I confronted her. Others were friends with Kennedy.

It was around that time the resentment surfaced finally. It was around that time I was being codependent. It was around that time the promise no longer existed on both sides.

Yes…

I definitely make for a shoddy friend when it comes to the majority. Because this world is made up of empty promises. I tried to keep a promise that never mattered to others and it near killed me. It didn’t kill me, because the promise no longer existed. It broke. It broke when my friends no longer were my friends other than in my head. It broke when I began to resent them and began to hate how they never cared to be good friends in return.

It took a long time to get over that… a couple of years or so, perhaps. Now, all I know is, I should have just quit trying way back when…
Despite all the pain and sorrow experienced due to those relationships, though… those pains are nothing compared to the pains I felt from the two most emotional, intellectual, spiritual relationships I have had in this life so far. I still love the two people. In various times of my life they have been my best friends. Because of that, they have caused the greatest of pain sometimes.

The second most painful would deal with the person who is still an active part in my life right now. She hurt me back when I was just beginning high school. On an outsider’s perspective, the entire things was plain silly. Looking back, we know it was a huge misunderstanding. Her reactions and her words hurt me terribly that day. I cried on my way to school. I cried in the library as I sat by my best friend at the time. I cried later on that weekend.

The most painful dealt with the very friend who sat with me in the library. I’d have to say he has hurt me most of all. That time is long ago now, but I know… he hurt me the most. I remember that night, crying to the person who had hurt me the second worst, I said, “I know I’ll make it though. If I could live before I met him, I can live without him again.”

To my great fortune we didn’t end on bleak terms. We don’t talk much anymore, but I know he’d there somewhere. Out of all of my ended friendships, he is my small glimmer of hope. The promise of friendship… He kept it. I think I might actually believe he always will keep it.

I really don’t know if I am really made for having friends. I really don’t. From what I have learned in life, such things are fleeting. It has been almost seven years since I moved and I still have made no friends. I have my acquaintances, my family and the lovely animals that make up our four-legged family. I find I am actually content with this really. If friendships are so fickle, I do not wish to deal with such. And yet, at the same time though… just to find one person who does care to such an extent… that would be beautiful.

I guess I’m just not a very hopeful person.

I had a strange dream segment a few days ago. A lone woman was trying to man an aircraft of some sort. It might have been a plane, a spaceship, whatever. It was going out of control. Maybe it was lacking fuel. Maybe she simply had no idea how to work an airship, but in a sense she was the only one left on it. She cries out as she frantically tries to find a way to control the ship/plane/whatever, “Somebody help me! If anyone is there, please help me!”
Then the scene zeroed on a wall behind her. At first it looks like a framed baseball glove was mounted there. When close enough, you see the shape of a man’s face jutting out from the leather though. The eyes suddenly open like in a horror film.
The scene turns back to the woman, but one can see that wall beside her possesses other things slightly bumping over the smooth surface, like a hand, an ear, anything that lets you know it is human. The face that was on the glove soon emerges from a smooth surface just enough to see the face. He opens his eyes again and talks to her. Strangely the woman isn’t surprised.
It is then the back story sort of unfolds - sudden knowledge. The ship/plane is somehow cursed, a monster or something of such nature. The various people on board slowly became part of it somehow. Now the only one who hasn’t been captured is the woman.
Back to the man who is part of the ship, he tells her he can try to help her by controlling it a bit. Despite this power it is somehow known that it is only temporary and soon he will be just as helpless/useless to her as all the others who are part of the ship/plane as well. After saying this, a door is focused on. Apparently it is bolted and has a padlock. Strangely, attached to it is a human heart. An arm struggles out of the wall and then tries to do something with the door.
That is when I woke up.
It was a rather fascinating dream. It would be interesting if there was a story or movie out there that followed a somewhat similar baseline to it. I’d research to see, but I have no clue how to really start. Yes, there are many search engines out there, but using such keywords only bring up many unrelated things so far. That, and such a story/movie likely doesn’t exist.
Oh well.

I remember once admitting a slight crush to a friend of mine. I am not the sort to really talk about such things. Her face lit up. I guess she was touched that I shared such a thing. Personally it freaked me out – her response. Soon enough she began to move closer. I still am not certain as to what she was going to do, but my instincts said she was going to hug me. Yes… I freaked out over that.
When I freak out I either freeze or take flight. I took flight that time. Dodging her, I tried to escape by ducking under her outstretched arms. I almost made it but my hand, which was in a fist, made contact with her stomach. Shocked, I turned to her. She looked at me utterly hurt. I have no idea if she felt I attacked her or if the hurt was due to physical pain. Maybe it was both emotionally and physically. I felt extremely bad of course.
Yes though… her trying to hug me freaked me out that day.

I guess I’m in a slight brooding mood tonight. It is likely due to reading and semi editing some stories I like. The stories are written by someone whose first language isn’t English. She did well translating them from German though, but sometimes things don’t flow correctly or simply are hard to make sense of. I left all the British spellings though.
Reading them again, I cannot help but remember my adolescence again. Around that time I read a lot. I got into the Internet long before my peers and found some bits of hope on it. Those bits of hope were from stories. The stories I am reading/editing were some of the stories I read during that hard time in my life. They gave me hope because they showed me I was not alone.
The main characters were usual very troubled, outcasts or the like. They dealt with cruel peers, hard situations and so forth. They found a place to belong in the end though… they always found a happy ending, or the beginning of a better future.
While in the middle of reading/editing the third story so far, I stopped to take a quick shower. At that time I remembered a girl who was a real bitch towards me in middle school. I address her simply as Kennedy. I never knew what her deal was when it came to me, but I know she could b cruel to those who considered her a friend. Maybe it was her nature. It was a sad nature, though… having to hurt and belittle others to make herself feel better. That is my theory anyway.
I remember her accusing me of being homosexual. I remember what caused that accusation. We were in the same PE class one year. Basketball was the activity of the day. Most of the girls hung back despite we were in a line. They were chatting and being annoying as far as I was concerned, so I pushed past them to participate. Someone didn’t like that, said I cut in line. I rolled my eyes and made a comment about not caring about the boys like they did. More or less, I wasn’t boy crazy nor was I afraid to play against them.
Well, later on at the side of the bleachers Kennedy approached me and asked if I was a lesbian. I eyed her unamused and replied flatly, “No, I’m a loner.” Well, being the genius that she is, she replied, “You are a lesbian!” I rolled my eyes and replied, “No, I just don’t like most people.”
I suppose that is what started it all.
I never really minded her. She wasn’t really on my radar. I actually saw her as, “Oh, her… she’s okay.” Boy, was I wrong.
She was friends with two girls I had hung out with all through elementary. One night I was on the computer and one of those girls contacted me on messenger. Pretty soon, I realized it wasn’t one of them, but someone simply using her handle while she was away from the computer.
I guess it was my fault. I should have left the moment it started to get ugly. I wanted to know who it was, though. I wanted to know the true face of my attacker. It was cowardly to cyber-bully me using a friend’s handle. After enduring endless insults she finally told em who she was. It was Kennedy.
I don’t really recall what she said to me that night… Well, I know there were a lot of comments about me being a sick faggot and such… but if logic proves correctly, I’m pretty sure she likely told me to die or that people like me should be dead. I assume this because that night I did consider killing myself. I was thirteen at most.
That consideration wasn’t just because of her attacking me that night, though. No, I suffered from depression since I was twelve, maybe even a year earlier than that. My friends from elementary school were drifting away, peers were becoming superficial and mean, cliques and fads went over my head. Basically, I fit nowhere.
I lived that night, though.
I broke down during first period. We had the same math class then. It might have been the next day or whenever school began again because for all I know she could have attacked me during the week or the weekend. It wasn’t an emotional break down. It was a physical one.
I never knew what they were until that spring or maybe even that summer… maybe it was a year later. I had them plenty when little though. We found out they were panic attacks after I had the worst one I ever experienced in my life.
Well, I had one that morning. I had to leave the classroom. I might have even gone home that day because of its severity.
It was probably one of those girls who told me that Kennedy thought I had to leave the classroom because of what she did to me the night before over chat. To this day that pisses me off. It doesn’t annoy me as much as it did back then, but it is still annoying to know a thirteen year old girl felt smug and proud of herself because she thought she scared someone from being in the same classroom as her. Bullshit.
Like all the boys who made my life hell at that time, her stupid words wouldn’t scare me off and if she did have the nerve to approach me I would have either punched her in the spine or kicked hr hard in the shin. In fact, I think it would have been nice to have done so to her. I never got the chance since she never confronted me face to face, though.
To this day, I also never understood how those two girls who had been my friends in elementary could be friends with her. I do not remember which of them it was, but one of them endured a cruel birthday prank from Kennedy. Despite crying to me about it, she still stayed friends with her. I guess belonging with a clique was more important than coming back to me and actually being friends.
I really should have given up on them back then. I was too loyal and had too strong of morals though. In the very last years I became resentful of them. I’m rather ashamed of that, but that is what I got for clinging onto a promise that meant nothing to them and yet everything to me.
There are plenty of other times. There are plenty of other people. People like Kennedy, people who weren’t as bad as Kennedy, but I have no interest in searching for those times. I had no interest in having memories of her pop up in my brain… They did however and so I write.
I hate how closed minded some people can be. I hate how people can say things so carelessly. I hate how people never stop to think. I hate the fact that I probably am guilty of those things but have never been aware of it.
I doubt it would have ever helped, but sometimes I wonder if they would have done things differently if they had known.

I didn’t like boys (I didn’t like most girls either.)
Would it have helped if I told them that boys would hit me, throw things at me and call me names?
I walked funny.
Would it have helped if I told them one of my legs is shorter than the other, but I never realized it until many years later?
They asked me why I wasn’t pretty like my older sister. Why was I ugly?
Would it have helped if I told them  that even though both my sister and I are of the same ethnicity, but were adopted from different families?
Why was I so weird?
Would it have helped if I told them if I told you that I am bi-polar, have Aspergers and an audio processing disorder but never knew these things until I was finally out of school?

Would they have even listened? I doubt it.
There were many other things going on. Things at home… but I don’t feel like writing about that either.
The world is just full of ignorant, stupid people.

Still, there is that small bit of hope. There are others out there who know the exact same pain. Sometimes it is the same amount you are feeling, sometimes it is less, sometimes it is more. That is what I learned from those stories I read.

Well, Wednesday Mom pulled a trip out of a hat on me. We do this every December, but I like to know ahead of time when we are going to do something. Oh well.
It was a thirty minute trip, I believe, maybe a bit longer. We arrived, found a good parking place and got to shopping. The shopping is Christmas gifts for her coworkers. We stopped at the usual places. I cannot recall the names of them, but I am sure I’ve listed them before in last years’ trip entry.
In the middle of it we stopped for lunch at the usual German restaurant. I usually order German potato salad, but decided to go for something that might fill me up more. I had a potato cheese soup instead. It was awesome.
After that we hit the shopping again. We found one of the places my mom tries to stop at no longer exists, but made up for that by going to some place called “Dogologie”. Just seeing what my mom wore that day told anyone that she was a dog fanatic.
We stopped by a few other places after that and then headed home. I fell asleep during the trip only to awake again as we pulled into Walgreen’s. Mom purchased wrapping paper, tissue paper and Christmas themed bags to put the gifts in. I meanwhile found some tape and a ruler I’d need. I’m basically the resident gift wrapper now that my brother doesn’t live with us.
When that was all taken care of we then headed to Hallmark to get our yearly Christmas ornament. Mom found another thing to give as a gift and soon that was over with as well. I was glad because all the hustle and bustle was wearing on me. In the end I collapsed when we got home.
I believe that was the night I woke up at ten. Mom made sure we caught a show before she had to go to sleep. After that I did some chores, took a shower and wound up going to sleep again after a few hours. I didn’t wake again until mid afternoon on Thursday. I’m so bad.
Well, as said, I woke up very late on Thursday. Upon rising I cleaned the kitchen and did the laundry. I had to stop to get something to eat since my blood sugar was near zilch. After that I did my usual dusting regimen and I really cannot recall what I did after that.
Friday is a bit of a blur. I’m pretty sure I slept most of it as well, but know I did wake up earlier than the the time I had the day before. I did the usual chores, did the deep cleaning on the kitchen and likely read over things the rest of the afternoon until it was time to go out to eat.
Dad didn’t join us that night. Whether he wasn’t feeling well or it was true that he “ate a big lunch”, I have no idea. The night was pleasant though. On the way to the restaurant Mom and I got into a discussion about whether certain animals have souls or at least have the ability to connect with humans. That ended upon meeting my brother. The conversation shifted to a seminar he attended and about what he learned. The meal was good, the conversation was engaging and it ended in sopapillas.
I cannot remember much of the night after that. It might have been the night there was nothing to watch so I found reruns of Monk and watched two of those before hitting the bed. Yeah… it might have been that night.
Saturday I woke at a decent hour. I did some chores I believe, but I ended up falling back asleep later in the morning. I woke around twelve and Dad and I went grocery shopping. On the way there I had talked to Dad about Mom’s vacation soon being over. Basically I said I was sort of glad she’d be going back to work. The reason why was because there was no schedule the whole time she was off, so I rarely got anything done. He apparently took it to mean I was tired of Mom. Oi.
Well, we got groceries, came back home, unpacked them and I finally ate something. After that I cleaned the cat fountain and did some text editing. I think I collapsed around three in the afternoon. I woke up again in time to see Mom briefly and she confronted me. Apparently Dad decided to be an ass and told her about our conversation earlier that day. Mom’s feelings were of course hurt because he made it sound like I was glad to be rid of her. Bull.
Well, there wasn’t much time to talk to her about it since she was going to bed, but I assured her that was not my intentions nor the point of what I was telling Dad. She seemed to feel better after that and we parted on good terms. After that I took a shower and stayed up most of the night editing.
I think I woke up around one in the afternoon on Sunday. I got to work on chores, might have eaten a bowl of cereal and had a deeper discussion with Mom about the night before. She came to understand the whole point of my conversation with Dad. While I am glad to have Mom home and enjoy spending time with her, there was no schedule at all. That was the point of Mom’s vacation, of course, but it was a bad influence on me.
While I don’t follow a strict regimen, I manage to get most if not all my chores done before my parents get home from work. I was unable to do that with Mom home. I never knew when to vacuum, the kitchen would be swept through three times a day rather than briefly in the morning and briefly at night and the surprise trip on Wednesday cut out most cleaning altogether.
Sleep was also greatly affected. Since Mom could stay up late, we’d watch three to four shows in one sitting. I’m used to only seeing one to two shows a night. While it allows Mom to escape, it can take a lot of concentration from me to follow the words and storyline. So, too much television tends to drain me. I like the shows we watch, but if I didn’t join Mom, she could have wound up watching a show without me and thus troubles there. So for the most part I tried to be a trooper.
The other problem is that I usually stay up three to four hours after Mom finishes watching television and goes to bed. Therefore, nights when the television watching ended around eleven or so, I’d stay up until three, sometimes four in the morning. That of course caused me to wake up in the afternoon and then that only left me with so many hours to get chores done as well as nutrients in me.
Yep… the change of routine and somewhat lack of schedule altogether was not good on me.
Well, after getting all that – more summarized though – Mom fully understood the matter and summed it up as “Your OCD was messed with and thus caused you more stress than usual.” Well, it wasn’t in those exact words, but close enough.
Anyway, once that was done with I folded clothes and tackled the Christmas tree. Yeah, Dad had taken down the Christmas decorations from the attic Saturday afternoon while I was asleep. Mom decorated most of the tree, but there were a lot of empty spaces that needed to be filled in. Thus, I came by with the “filler” ornaments. Those are basically “glass” balls.
I have a little routine before that though, so before doing the filling in, I worked on “fluffing” the tree. We use a fake tree with a lot of wire-based limbs and branches. When put up all the wires get bunched up, so I go through them and straighten them so the “needles” with fill out. When that was done I of course finished the tree decorating.
I think after all that I returned to my room to read and edit things some more. During that time my mom fixed up a “Birthday Dinner” for me. It is a few days early, but better done on the weekend. I had asked for scalloped potatoes around Thanksgiving, forgot about it and recently had asked for homemade macaroni. Well, Mom remembered both requests and those made both. Oops.
It was a good, filling dinner, though. Bad us. We mainly ate carbs. I ate all carbs, actually. Still, everyone seemed to like it. I adore homemade macaroni. It is so much better than the boxed stuff.
Well, once everyone got their fill, I worked on cleaning the dishes while Mom put away the leftovers.
I don’t quite remember the rest of the night other than taking a shower and putting my meds in order, but I went to bed around seven thirty to eight only to wake again at eleven thirty. I’ve been up since then and it is now three in the morning. I of course decided to type this down since my last entry was mainly jumbled and consisted of poorly remembered events.
Anyway, that is all for now. Monday will hopefully be normal. Tuesday I have a doctor’s appointment and will likely go to yoga in the evening. The rest of the week will hopefully be normal as well.
Third week of December my brother’s birthday should come up and soon after that my sister should come down to spend Christmas with us. Other than that, I don’t think anything else is planned. Yay.

I really remember little detail when it comes to what has happened since my last entry. I’ll try, though. Saturday was normal except in the early afternoon Dad converted the leftover turkey into soup for when my eldest brother visited. He came the next day with his wife. I’m not sure when they arrived though since I was asleep at the time. There was the usual small talk until dinner started. There was the addition of a small bowl of green bean casserole, twice baked put-back potatoes and rolls to go with the soup. It was a pleasant visit and much laughter at the table. When dinner was over I cleaned up what I could and eventually wound up talking to Eryn about a story I started in 1999. She found it interesting and I offered to send it to her once I got my computer back as well as the Internet. She gave me her email and pretty soon it was time for them to leave. I remarkably stayed awake all through the visit and later into the night.
Monday to Wednesday was normal, I believe. I did my chores, ate my usual meals. Well, okay, Tuesday was different to some extent. Dad came home early, dropped my computer off and went to pick up Mom. I didn’t know if there needed to be anything done before I fiddled with it, so I just left it on the table. Dad soon returned with mom. I got the okay and so put the tower in place. Plugging all the cords in their places, I turned on my computer. To my great relief all of my writings were saved. Most of my music was saved as well and things on my desktop was recovered minus a fan art picture I did.
Well, I could only do a brief look over before it was time to go to yoga class. We had to leave early in order to drop my dad off to a basketball game he had to take pictures off for his work. So, yoga was gone to, done and then we headed back home for about fifteen minutes. Yes, “we”, as in my mom insisted I come with her to pick him up. Well, she forgot her phone so we couldn’t call him when we arrived, so Mom circled the car around for a while until she got a decent parking spot. The game finally ended and when Dad stepped out he managed to find us. Sadly, Mom did a poor job pulling out to drive to him, so we got stuck. He came over and they switched places. This of course meant Dad had to try to get the the front seat while passing through the narrow walking space in between our car and another car, manage to open the car door wide enough for him to squeeze himself through and try to get situated. Mom is so freakishly helpless sometimes. We got back home safely and soon Mom wanted to watch television, so we made quick meals and got in an hour of television.
I have no idea what I did the rest of that night… I’m pretty sure I took a shower at nine, but whether I stayed up all night in order to get my computer in order or went to sleep at a decent hour with plans to work on it the next day is unknown.
Wednesday I do not recall at all. I might have slept most of the day, worked on my computer most of the day or had a relatively usual day of chores, sleep and computer time well dispersed. I really don’t remember. Anyway, it was the last day my Mom had to work before her winter vacation. So, I do know that Wednesday night we were up watching television later than usual.
I don’t remember much of Thursday or Friday. I figure it was again pretty normal minus the likelihood that vacuuming didn’t occur as much if at all because my Mom was home. I am odd about that. I don’t like to vacuum when other people are in the house. Other than that, I know we went out to eat Chinese that night.
Saturday was normal for the most part except when my dad tried to hook me up to the home network for the Internet. That ended less that wonderfully. We gave up, got groceries and Dad called my brother to save the day. My second brother, the one who isn’t married, seems to the be computer guru among our lot. He arrived a while after Dad and I got the groceries, picked up my mother’s dog from his grooming appointment on the way home and put up groceries… Like magic, he got us all connected in just a small amount of time. He stayed over after that, watched television and what not. I think I fell asleep most of the afternoon.
Sunday, I slept like mad, so there isn’t much to remember anyway. Upon waking though, I found my Dad made dinner. We had Torta de Polenta. It was some strange cornmeal dish with peppers and other things mixed in from what I could tell. It wasn’t the best thing I’ve ever eaten, but it was okay. After eating I got to the chores I hadn’t gotten to that day due to sleep. The dishes weren’t so bad, there was a ton of laundry to fold and vacuuming was out of the question considering the time.
The rest of the night I believe I was mainly on my computer getting everything into a similar order to how it was before. The last few hours was spent reading over the first “book” of my story. Due to that, I went to sleep around three. I think I woke again at ten. I ate breakfast, did what chores I could while Mom is around and watched two and a half episodes of some sort of animal cop show Mom wanted me to see. By twelve thirty I had to go to bed again. I slept until about four this afternoon. Mom wanted to do a yoga class, so she woke me up. We left fifteen minutes later and did yoga for an hour or so. After we returned home I took a shower and made myself some supper. Soon enough Mom wanted to watch television.
Sigh… Admittedly, I am getting kind of sick of television. I have been for a while. Yeah, I like the shows, but watching television for two hours is enough for me. Sometimes it is too much for me… Therefore, my mom’s ability to stay up late and watch more shows than usual is wearing on me a bit. Come on season endings! Give me a break!
Oi… Well, my mind has been drained due to the lovely mind-numbing experience. I would have happily gone on to bed before typing this, but I know that if I put this off, I’ll forget everything. EVERYTHING… not that any thing I have written on this is significant… but damn it!
I’m going to bed. I’ll read this tomorrow, maybe edit it, after I’ve gotten some sleep or at least have my head cleared again.

Most of the week has been the usual since my last entry. It turned out I did indeed have a cold, but it soon dwindled by Tuesday and was near completely gone by Wednesday. ‘Just in time for Thanksgiving, no?
Saturday and Sunday nights I was quite awake and thus on Saturday I took off all my bedding and worked on washing and drying it. To kill time I watched What Women Want and The Family Man on TBS most of the night. Sunday night was basically the same minus watching movies. I did the bedding to the sewing room, which is twice as much as the bedding in my room. I passed the time in between working on retrieving files from my external hard drive. The reason it was filled to the brink was because it was set to save things consecutively, so my dad tells me. Therefore most of the weekend up to then I had been transferring things manually to another external hard drive, but putting it in a more sensible order.
I got most of the bed done by four in the morning and spent the time after that feeding the cats, eating breakfast and soon went to sleep after completing those tasks. I slept most of the day away, but got up to do some chores and to let the dogs out at noon. I believe that is all to be said about Monday other than during the bed making I pulled a muscle in my arm.
Tuesday was a regular day. I got little sleep the night before, but at least wasn’t up all night. I am sure I still slept most of it though. At the end of it Mom and I went to yoga class, then ate dinner and watched television. The rest of the night is uncertain. I tried harder to get some sleep that night, though and managed maybe four hours. 
Well, Wednesday, my Mom had off and thus stayed home. Since she was able to sleep in, I fed the cats that morning and did the regular chores. I vacuumed half the house the night before so everything was pretty much good to go after that.
The rest of the morning I worked on retrieving the rest of the files from my external hard drive. The hard drive was 250 GBs. All together my stuff was really about 17 GBs. Sadly, since it was set up like that, the majority of the disk was filled with updates from 2009, a bit of 2010 and a sparse amount of 2011. Still, it was good to have the main foundation of my stuff intact.
Mom woke up around the time I finally finished the process. It was maybe nine thirty? I might have done some more chores after that - the dishes likely being more thoroughly cleaned by the dishwasher and the laundry ready to be folded. That and my mom was up, thus using the kitchen, leaving paper towels about, fixing tea and eating a bowl of cereal… She somewhat messes the kitchen up all by herself.
At eleven she went to a chiropractor appointment, so I dusted the blinds and rested for a while before she and I ran out to do errands.
We got out around twelve thirty to one, I believe. The firs task was to get dog food, dog treats and birdseed. That took a while since Mom took her time selecting the dog treats and in-between she searched for a dog halter. I mainly just wandered around. We got out of there maybe forty-five minutes later. I hadn’t eaten for six hours by then, so it was good that we stopped for lunch then.
When we were through eating, we continued on to the grocery store to picked up rolls for Thanksgiving. I got a single soda from a small fridge to have with Thanksgiving meal the next day. We got out of there and then headed to WalMart. My lamp’s bulb died Monday or Tuesday night. We found a match, I grabbed some jerky due to a sudden craving for meat and a few ornaments that caught my mom’s fancy.
As we headed home, Mom also made a stop at Wendy’s to get herself a large Frosty. She offered to get me something, so I got a small one. We then made it home, unpacked the purchases and settled in the sewing room to enjoy out treats. I think I took a nap after that. It was maybe four then?
Mom woke me up around seven that evening and we watched some television. I took a shower after that and mom went to bed. The rest of the night I dallied on the computer and went to bed around twelve to one.
Thursday I woke up early again, fed the cats, ate breakfast and did a few chores. I went back to sleep soon enough though. I woke again at one and then continued them, mainly by dusting my parents room and the living room. While I did that Dad semi watched football and cooked at the same time. Mom walked her dogs. By three we had Thanksgiving dinner.
It was a simple affair. My dad cooked ham, turkey, stuffing, gravy, mashed potatoes and corn. The rolls were bought and zapped in the microwave by my mom. She whipped up some broccoli and cheese for me and made a salad for herself. We ate at three to accommodate my brother, who works odd hours.
It was good. I’m not huge on home cooked meals. There is usually so much and I have been pretty much bred to eat frozen dinners and prepackaged meals. Still I ate some helpings of mashed potatoes and corn, snagged a roll and had some of the broccoli and cheese Mom made. In between I ate only bits of turkey.
After all of us ate, I gave all the cats bits of turkey and then helped the others clear the table. After the food was mainly put up and Dad cleaned the huge pots that the turkey and ham were roasted in, I got to work on rinsing the rest of the dishes and put them in the dishwasher. Some of course had to be hand washed and towel dried. Finishing up by cleaning the counters, Mom eventually asked me to help her dust the dining room.
She worked on taking all the things off the large cabinet in there. I’m always leery of moving anything off the cabinet since it is filled with her teapots and tea cups. I‘d be sure to break one with the unforgiving tiled floor we have. Thus I usually avoid dusting the room. Knowing she’d be moving the items, I was just fine with doing the dusting part. After that she asked me to clean the glass of the cabinets and then my job was done there. So, while she worked on putting things back, I cleaned the doors to the cupboards in the kitchen. When all was through I hit the bed to take a nap.
Mom woke me around seven to seven thirty to watch television. There wasn’t much one, but she recorded a dog show. I was fine with that. It is kind of neat seeing the various breeds at their finest. It was done around nine, so I went off to take a shower and spent the rest of the night catching up on my Internet dallying and reading.
Thursday is gone and I believe that is it for Thanksgiving. I’m not certain due the fact that my eldest brother and his wife might come down today or sometime later on to visit us. Still, the traditional part is over.
It is now Friday. I woke an hour ago, made a peanut butter sandwich and am now writing this. After posting I intend to put flea preventative on the cats and rather do not know what I’ll do from there. I guess that is all for now.

It turns out my eldest brother lost his job. This occurred maybe a week or so before the wedding, but he didn‘t want to tell anyone then. It had nothing to do with something he did. His job just was cut. Hello, economy. So, now he apparently is looking into two different job interviews.
Things seem to be same ol’, same ol’ for my other brother. He has his job, it is still physically taxing, but he’s still okay. If anything has occurred, I certainly haven’t heard.
My sister meanwhile still hates her job, where she is living and so forth. The stress has apparently caused her to gain ten pounds and she is overall miserable. Her birthday was on the fifteenth. Mom and Dad sent her a dozen roses and a text. Hopefully that cheered her up a bit.
Another hopeful thing in regarding her is that she’ll be able to at least visit our Uncle Mike, Dad’s brother, for Thanksgiving this year. They live closer to her and one of her bosses are heading that way so maybe she can hitch a ride. It would definitely be good for her to get a change of settings, see loved ones and have a good meal.
Yeah, my sister won’t be joining us this year, but she might make it for Christmas. My eldest brother isn’t going to be here on Thursday either. He’s eating with his wife’s family - her sister specifically I believe. They might come visit us later. Therefore, Thanksgiving will consist of my parents, my other brother and me this year. I have no qualms over this.
Now for things that go more in order…
Monday Mom and I got groceries. We mainly spent the day recuperating from the weekend otherwise.
Tuesday Mom went back to work and I was still spending most of the day recuperating. We did go to yoga still. My sister had her birthday.
Wednesday I saw the dentist for minor teeth reconstruction. A chip and a groove had to be fixed.
Thursday I was out for the count still. I started getting allergies so that didn’t help. My computer also decided to be a pain that evening. I got a blue screen.
Friday my allergies persist so I’m still quite under the weather. Mom fears the concept of it being a cold.
Now it is Saturday evening. I’m still relying on my parents’ computers, still feeling less than wonderful and basically slept a lot today as well. I did get most of the usual done though… clean the cat fountain, went grocery shopping, did a bit of chores - very bit in this case - and then collapsed.
Mom woke me up around six or so to watch television. We did so. During this time I’ve been going about the web to find various links I have stored on my Internet browser, yet have no chance of getting to now. I have no hope in remembering all of them, but if the retrieval of my hard drive ends with me not getting the links back… well, I did my best despite my shoddy memory.
My real concern is my stories and some computer art I hadn’t posted on DA yet. With that includes an old art program all use that came out around 1999. The second is the music I’ve collected over the years since I’ve found music to be very significant to memories even if the memories are not lucid and more feeling. Third importance is reading material.
I do have back ups of most of my writings, but they aren’t as up-to-date as I’d like them to be. The rest of the stuff, I can rebuild, I guess… not in accuracy, but I can rebuild, I am sure. Still, though…
Dad and a friend of mine asked why I did back up my files. With what? I do have an external hard drive but it only holds my writings, a bit of reading material and little notes/list things. Some people would think, you’ve written enough pages to fill up a 250 GB hard drive? I don’t think so. The reading material and other such isn’t that much either. I don’t know why it is full. I don’t understand the damn thing.
Why not get another hard drive? Another hard drive is worth three weeks of groceries for me, damn it. I still wouldn’t understand it and not much would be saved still. Fuck it all.
Sigh.
Anyway…
Nothing else should come up this month other than Thanksgiving. I hope that stands true. If so, thank god.

Well, it is late Monday night and I have woken up from a four thirty to five hour nap. Since my last entry late Saturday evening I’ve been sleeping a lot of course. After my entry I got up, brushed my teeth and settled down in bed. Mom was staying up to watch some television and it was engaging enough that I stayed up with her. Around ten thirty or perhaps eleven, I cannot recall clearly, we went to sleep.
I got up again around five in the morning. Since my whole weekend mainly consisted of sleeping and being awake only to get nutrients and participate during the wedding related events, I had little time to myself. I checked some websites and then began to read. I read until eight thirty. Getting up I began to put most of my things away since during that time my mom had woken, did her yoga and likely a few various other things.
With only a few things left over like my teeth care supplies, we eventually went downstairs to eat breakfast at the grill we ate at our first meal there. It was a rather big breakfast we had, but most of the meals I had that weekend were big. I’m sure the meals helped my energy levels as did the endless sleep related collapsing.
We headed back up to our rented room then, I brushed my teeth and began to pack the rest of what few things I had left. I helped my mom with packing some of her things since she brings too much stuff by habit. Then it was a matter of time for my dad to arrive. I think he showed up around ten to ten thirty. So, we got to moving our luggage down to the parking lot and soon loading everything into the car. We left after that and headed for home.
Mom and I slept the trip back just like how we slept the entire trip there. My case was understandable since I got less sleep than her last night. Anyway, I woke upon our arrival home. My first priority was to find my cat. After a long search I found him under a bed. He was a bit leery of us, even me, but I couldn’t blame him so I let him be. Once things settled down he’d be okay.
I then began unpacking my things and my parents soon headed off to retrieve their dogs from the kennel they stayed at. I took that time to get my stuff in order, give the cats some wet food and eventually collapse again. I slept until around ten thirty that night.
Getting up, I took a shower and had a small dinner of Ramen. I decided to watch a few shows on the television and after being up for about three hours I hit the bed again. I’m not certain as to when I woke up again. Maybe it was ten? Maybe it was eleven?
Well, I ate a light breakfast consisting of a peanut butter sandwich. My body was still exhausted so I did what little chores I could manage. I then checked my email and various things before checking into my bank account. That was a troublesome endeavor.
I had tried to check it the night before but there were difficulties. Our bank merged, converted… something with another bank while we were gone. Therefore lots of things changed and had to be reaffirmed. Well, this time it was being a bit kinder and with my mother’s assistance I finally got it to work. I think the main problems the night before was because my debit card hadn’t been fully renewed yet. We called the bank to activated it mid afternoon the day before, so maybe that had something to do with it.
Anyway, with that squared away I again worked on putting order to some things in regards to my room. My cat was back to his usual self and I was still exhausted. I decided to rest on my bed for a while until my mom was ready to leave.
Since we were gone since Friday we hadn’t done our grocery shopping, therefore it was our duty to get that done today. After my mom got her bank account in order and checked her email we headed out. Grocery shopping was pretty much the same as usual for me despite my mom did some things that made it a bit frustrating, like wandering off… but we got the job done.
After that we picked up medicine and stopped by Wendy’s. Mom wanted a frosty and I was thirsty as well as in need of a quick snack to pick me up since I had a dizzy spell at the store. We headed home after that.
After unpacking groceries mom readied herself lunch and I ate my fries and drank my soda. We then went to the “cat/sewing room” to watch some television just to catch up on shows we didn’t see while gone. After two shows I was getting tired and went to take a nap. Mo got a page about a prescription she had dropped off when we went to get meds earlier. The rest of my day was spent sleeping after that.
I took a shower before starting this and started cooking some pasta in the middle. Eating now, I guess I’ll take a break before I move onto looking back on significant events during the wedding that weren’t addressed in my previous entry.
(Paused at 10:21 PM. Resumed 10:50 PM)
Okay… Well, despite the entire trip has exhausted me and revived some issues of mine, I will say there were some things learned. The some of the following might have been addressed in my previous post, but since I wrote that while I was semi-brain-dead  it doesn’t matter.
One thing I have established during the rehearsal dinner was that I seem to have a soft spot for the elderly. In a more elaborated sense, I find them easier to talk to and feel at ease with. A part of me wonders if it is because I seem to be like an elderly person despite my youth. There are those with old souls and I might be one of them, but usually when I say I am like an elder person, I mean it by mannerisms and such. I might be wrong on that, but it just feels that way at times.
Another thing learned is that while I still tend to feel like a different species, an alien in a small isolated world watching those I will never understand… I do not become as depressed about this knowledge as I would have when younger. I suppose it is because I know my nature better than I used to. I know I will never be a part of that world and even if I was included it would never have the significance I see it to have in reality when it regards me. I experience things differently. Just being at the wedding is proof of that.
Despite I was there physically to be a part of it… on an emotional, mental and spiritual way, I was still unable to experience the feelings and thoughts everyone else was. At the dinner I saw people being friendly, telling stories and bonding. Most of the conversations I couldn’t join in on since I was never there or was unable to remember - my memory is particularly poor. Therefore I was mainly silent and listened. I could only pick up bits of the conversations though. I did smile at times, find some things amusing, but again there was that distance. I realize now that even when I am included, I will never have the true connection. It is sad, but it is how I am apparently.
There were other instances of feeling quite misplaced, but I think the point is addressed well enough. Now there are some things that I learned that is less on an introspective level and more like a personal history enlightened. I write it for the memory since remembering on my own is rather futile.
After arriving to where the wedding was to take place my family encountered my grandmother, now brother’s neighbor. After catching up it was soon just her and me talking. She tried to refresh my memory about things in the past, but I sadly do not recall. Then again I was likely a toddler at best in regards to the memories she spoke of.
Apparently my fondness for the elderly was proven yet again because she relayed to me about how whenever the rest of the family left to do things like go to the movies, the mall or do errands I always insisted on staying home with my grandmother. This amused me and made me smile. I remember none of that but it is nice to know that while I remember no particular bond with my grandmother, I apparently had one.
Another thing she noted was that back when we lived up in Alaska when she visited us I would have nothing to do with her and only wanted to be with her daughter. Then in all irony, when we were down here I wanted nothing to do with her daughter and only wanted to be around her. What was up with me back then, I have no idea. It is interesting as well as amusing to know, though.
The last story she told me was how my sister, cousin and I would hang around her home at times when we were little. Apparently my sister and cousin would help her husband make soup often. She claimed I helped, but my mother thinks it is unlikely considering my age. I likely watched at best. Still, it was said that if my parents and grandparents couldn’t find us, it likely meant we were over there.
Well, I believe I’ve written down the main things I wanted to remember or found significant. It is 11:09 now. I still feel rather awake so I suppose I’ll stay up a bit longer.
For notes, My sister’s birthday is tomorrow and I have a dentist appointment on Wednesday. Other than Thanksgiving, I don’t think there are any other plans or events occurring this month. Thank god.