I made a blunder in the night. I have a somewhat self-deprecating sense of humor. It translated rather poorly tonight and now based on the data, I believe I have hurt a dear friend with my words. I concluded it is likely an insulted, affronted sort of hurt. Sigh…
Before this, occurred there were many questions and ponders running about my mind. What started all of these thoughts was a single one. It has been many years since my suicide attempt during my high school years. To this very day though, I still cannot say I see much point in my life and thus feel rather comfortable (or is it resigned?) at the thought of dying.
This isn’t the same as feeling suicidal, mind you. I just… do not really see the point in my life. Yes, yes… there is point when it comes to others. There are those who are fond of me and I apparently enrich their lives as they do mine. If I were to learn I was to die today, however… I don’t think it would bother me terribly.
Said friend I made the fumble towards had been in a great depression not too long ago. During that time, he had felt something akin to that. At least, that is what his words had come to translate to me. It was indeed his depression that brought those thoughts and feelings. I wonder if I should take this to be a hint that I am still depressed? Yet, recalling my depressions of the past… these thoughts on the matter don’t bring on such a feeling.
Admittedly, tonight I have been a tad bit melancholy, but I always have such moments. I figure it is my body’s chemistry. Though I do take drugs for my bipolar, the medication has never been able to prevent all moments of depression or mania. It does keep them quite subdued in comparison to the time I was improperly medicated though.
Anyway, in the case I have also recalled those who say “fuck my life” or simply “I hate my life”. I do not ever recall ever thinking or saying either of those. I have found life to be a rather troublesome endeavor and wondering the point of mine, but I do not believe I have ever expressed great hatred towards my life (being on this earth/existence/whatever) itself.
Some might say my suicide attempt in the past rather cries out my saying those phrases… but back then I recall not adverse feelings towards my life then either. If anything I thought my existence was pointless, the future was a black hole and that in all sincerity… my parents would be better off without me. Though my best friend would miss me and those who cared for me would mourn my passing, I felt certain they would move on as all people do upon the passing of a loved one. Life just had no meaning to me… so I believed whether I was on this earth or not would not matter.
Truthfully, I still see no personal “true meaning”. I do know my life has meaning to others now, however. I have witnessed that I mean a great deal to my parents these past years. My mother and I have even developed a rather “symbiotic” relationship. We even each other out wonderfully.
I enjoy my time with them and our pets. I am content with my lot in life for th most part and recognize I am quite blessed. I rather think it a mercy I was adopted into the family I am a part of now because it allowed me to have the parents I have. I am grateful I am able to live securely under their protection and away from the real world.
Still, other than for the sake of others… I must admit, I have no idea why I am here otherwise. Once my parents are gone and if my friendship with the aforementioned friend should end… Yes… I would see absolutely no point to my existence.
I occasionally wonder if I should talk to my mother about this, but I rather fear she will take it the wrong way and believe I am suicidal. She feared that earlier this year after the big fight I had with my sister. I didn’t feel suicidal at that time either, but that didn’t stop her fears and beliefs.
Another thing I wish to write down… in regards to a likely god… particularly God of Christianity… it is said He has a plan for us and to have faith in Him and His intentions for us. Often times trials will be set before us. I often wonder this passing year… if my trial is finding my place in this world. I seem to have been born with many limitations. Are those my trials to overcome in His great plan for me? If so, I’ll accept the challenge. It is a rather interesting challenge when you think of the challenges others have been said to face.
Nevertheless… yes… why am I still here on this earth? Why is God keeping me here? What is my point of existence and why was I given such a challenge due to being born so ill equipped in making connections?
Hopefully I’ll find out some day… and if not, at least I’ll be dead and no longer have to deal with it. Hopefully death will indeed lead to lack of all connections to this physical plain and I will return to start of it all… I’ll become energy and become a part of everything and nothing all at once. There will be no consciousness, but there will be existence. There will be a belonging.

Cowardice perhaps?

Sometimes I question if I have become a coward lately. I do not consider it a terribly bad thing, because I recall back how I was when I tried so hard to be strong and independent. No longer living in insane conditions and circumstances, I have rather regained a sense of sanity… that is if I ever possessed it before now… *Speculative*
Nevertheless, in this blanket of security, I occasionally come to conclude I have stopped in a sense. As those I once knew as my “peers” have grown and flourished in their own ways, I am rather the same as I was upon finding solace. In this though, I question if I have grown at all.
To some degree I am content with this because life before was like a an endless rotation of a music box melody… and the song was dismal like a dirge for my own funeral. I then question though… is it so good a thing to stay in my quiet, peaceful cocoon?
Based on previous attempts to venture out in the world, the results have often been dismal. Often they have led me into a darkness that is darker than black rather than a soothing one with the occasional shades of gray. Simply put, it often just seems to justify that I just don’t quite make sense upon this earth. A certain misplacement, I suppose.
There are those who have encouraged me to get out there, make friends… there have been encouragements that if I try, I will make more connections and find friends. Perhaps I just have too high of expectations…
In my efforts, I usually just find myself a third wheel. Though I am with others who are willing to share company with me, there is still an unseen wall. There is still a bubble about them I cannot seem to pass. On the outside looking in? On the inside looking out? I have yet to determine which way it is still.
A blockage in my mind, I lack the ability to grasp things that bring about communication. Social networking is closer to something I can deal with, but that isn’t what I am looking for. As said, there is a high expectation for me.
Emotional and mental connections is what elates me. A trust that allows me to feel comfortable and open… it is so hard to find when just entering through the social barriers is so difficult. Such a thing often takes an amount of time and cultivation in my case.
Speaking of common interests, following trends, showing wit… those rarely interest me. In fact, I often have little to talk about when it comes to the social scene. Books, movies, shows, politics, news, technology… How does one start when one doesn’t have anything to say about it or has very little interest in the world to begin with?
I suppose I could force myself to try to take interest in such things, but what is the point in that when it has nothing to do with my true interests? I saw plenty of change about me during adolescence. Preteens taking on the latest trends to be accepted into groups. Perhaps they liked said trends… others they simply made themselves like them until it became natural and thus eventually liked.
I could never really feign interest in things that never grasped me attentions on its own, however. Pretending to like something just to gain a way to enter a possible “relationship” never appealed to me. I make for a poor actor and don’t really care to be one.
Ah… so troublesome.
There are those who see potential in me… believe I can do things…
But all the times I gather the courage, or at times in the past was just frustrated with their pestering, it led to me feeling greater isolation than ever. Thinking of that feeling… it actually causes my eyes to prickle right now. Wretched, dismal and so alone…
That is what I feel whenever I try to make friends it seems.