A Tentative Dream…

Tonight I thought quite briefly of the two girls I once knew some years go from Louisiana. In that vague thought, I also thought, “That had been a nice dream.” That is what I seem to consider good relationships to be: never lasting, short and bittersweet. They are fond memories that become foggy, but well aged in time.
There are other things that fall into the same category. They are dreams that were never lived, but whisper gently in my mind and my heart. Perhaps they would be called dreams, wishes and hopes… Many would even say they are achievable. But when I look at them, I can only see them as dreams and never true possibilities.
I dream of friendships that never fail… I dream of love that lasts… But never do I dream such things existing for me anywhere other than in my mind, my thoughts and my creations. I can dream of such things existing for others, but the ability to even dare hope for such a thing for me…

I suppose I lost my ability to believe in dreams a long time ago.

One would say I am far too young still to believe nothing will change. I have my whole life ahead of me… many years, many chances… The thing is, I used up all my offenses and defenses.
I remember how much I put put into relationships. Friendships was a mighty treasure to be kept on a pedestal and be fiercely protected. Sadly, very few friends felt the same way. The treasure would be smashed every once in a while. I’d always forgive and always try to make it last…
I should have moved on instead though. The once glistening treasure became too bruised by careless hands and yet constantly placed back into them only to be dropped again. So fragile a thing it became… Once strong and vibrant… now it must be protected more than ever…

So now good relationships are but precious dreams and hopes.

For only the past years I have had relationships that allowed my heart to cautiously hope once more. Never… never could I put complete, innocent and trusting belief in those though. I’d let myself dream though… I’d fantasize them actually staying. I’d dream of our feelings for each other to be strong enough for them to try. I’d quietly wish that this person would be the one who would put in enough effort, time and passion into making our connection last…

I know it to all be a dream though… never a reality.

Slowly they would drift away. I would try to keep contact, but now was wise enough not to try to produce a miracle. When they were gone just long enough… I’d give in. The dream was over… and it would go into the hidden box deep inside my mind and heart. Then on occasion, I’d pull it out and know of it as a sweet, sweet memory… a shortly lived dream.
Sometimes a person might email or find me on an online messenger… There will be some chatting and for a brief moment… a small flame flickers to life in my heart. A distant, hopeful yearning will quietly whisper… but I never let it grow into anything more. Because this is routine. The meeting will last a day… maybe two days at most… then he or she will disappear again.

I don’t think I ever dreamed of being royalty and finding my prince or princess. I never fantasized of my wedding. Nonetheless, I always dreamed of there being “The One”. Even though I believe very little in lasting friendships and even less in true love… that dream still lingers deep inside me.
I’d like to find the person meant only for me. I’d like to be the only person meant for someone. I am no longer strong though.
All my reserves were used up on hopeless causes. Almost all my love, devotion, loyalty, trust and faith was used up on people who didn’t return such notions. My expectations are high and these days… it seems very few care to put in the effort.

I found this out too late.

Now all I can do is protect what little of those things I have left and dream of worlds where they do exist. With art and with writing one can create such worlds. There you can make sure such things will come true. Those are my fragile hopes. They may never exist for me… but I can dream of them and make them exist for my creations. My mind children can be assured a happy ending I am too jaded to believe to ever exist for me.

And yet I dream…

I fear if there is someone meant for me… he or she will have to be far more than the average person. Because unlike the lines of someone’s signature I once knew… “You’ll have to try and fix me, I have been broken.”
Does such a person exist, I wonder? Someone who could love me for me? Someone who can accept my flaws and my quirks? Is there someone who can understand my awkward way of showing my affections?
Is there a person who will be patient and loyal? Someone who will try his or her best to understand and be sympathetic? Even when he or she cannot understand me, they will be open minded and at least sincerely wish to despite they just might never figure a part of me out?

I dream of such a person. I dream a person who will be able to make my hope and trust in him or her bloom and flourish. I dream of a person I’ll be able to spend the rest of my life with and know he or she will never betray me.

I’ve just been too worn down to sincerely believe in such a possibility anymore though. I am only strong enough to allow myself to dream of such things… because I doubt I’ll ever be strong enough to endure more heartaches and letdowns again. There are too many cracks and chips that have been glued back together constantly. For it to break again… I’m not sure if I have the will to try to place it back together anymore… that is if it doesn’t crumble into dust before I can even try.

Posted in AIR

Kind of Pathetic…

Well, since my last entry my health levels have gone down quite a bit. I’m still in recovery mode. Last week, from the twenty-seventh to the thirtieth my schedule and eating was off some. This was due to my mother staying home to work on an essay and doing yoga. Basically she wants to be a yoga instructor and so she’s been home-studying and such.
Anyway, since it is summer and gets up to the upper 90s to low 100s now, we have mainly walking on the weekends. Since she would be home for most of a week, it was decided that we’d wake early and get out around 6:15. Now, anyone who really knows me well is aware my body is a mystery to what is normal for most human bodies. It is also bloody sensitive to change and schedules.
Well, my strange sleeping tendencies were disrupted for half a week and the protein shakes my mom would give me in the morning were completely forgotten about. Both of those things are very important to my energy levels, especially as I get older it seems. As noted sometime earlier this year during spring, I had a disturbingly harsh exhaustion episode. Well, since then I’ve still sort of been battling on finding a balance when it comes to food.
I require foods that can give me a good amount of energy. Protein seems to be the most important since the protein shakes I drink the morning really help keep me stable based on the times my mother forgot to give me them for a few days. Usually not having them for about three days can lead me to an exhaustion spell again. None of them have been as bad as the one in spring though.
One might say, why not eat more meat? Well, I would, but for some reason my body doesn’t process meat well and eating too much of it usually leads to my body rejecting it and… oh, hello there, Ralph! Anyway, these days when I’m feeling rather low on the energy scale I just have to eat more. Other times I grab a soda for the sugar or snack on some peanut butter for the protein.
Now, where is the balancing problem? Well, I cannot eat too much. Big meals can cause me a lot of problems as well. Too much food can get lodged in my digestive system and get stuck there. Sometimes too much food doesn’t even make to my stomach because it gets lodged into my throat and I get to enjoy nearly choking for a long time until the food finally makes it all the way down. Why this happens, I don’t know. Apparently my grandmother had similar problems though, which is interesting since she and i are not biologically related. Anyway… Yeah.
Eating is a fine balancing act for me. Eat too much = Pain or choking. Eat too little = Extreme exhaustion. It is annoying.
Well, now that all of that information is recorded, add in the sleep problems and my schedule being different for half a week. Those two things cause stress whether I notice the stress or not. I had no problem having my mom home during the day for most of the week and I like walking even if it is around six in the morning. The only problem is my body… as usual. Maybe is the whole thing had been eased, it wouldn’t have had such a blow on it, but in any case, the sudden change was a jolt based on the evidence. In result, my body and mind were stressed and stress leads to having my energy drained. Yeah.
All in all, I have been quite useless since this weekend. I struggle with chores; I sleep like mad; I need to consume more food than usual this week… and despite all the sleep and eating, I’m still annoyingly weak. While it might all be in my mind, I think some of my clothes are even looser on me. Oi.
So yeah… my health is not at its best.
In all of this, I have discovered two things, though…

The first thing to note:
I have always liked the Henry David Thoreau quote, “If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away.” I always thought that suited my well. Then a while back I determined, maybe I don’t even follow the beat of a different drum. Rather than keeping a beat, maybe others are just dragging me along when I have no interest in the various drums whatsoever.
My most recent determination is maybe I am a completely different drum entirely. In other words, my body doesn’t follow a beat. It is a beat of its own. So, while there are those out there who will try to play me with a drumstick and do manage to get the beat they want to hear… I think my drum prefers the gentle patting of skilled hands and doing its own interpretations of various songs and rhythms.

The second thing to note:
Just a day or two ago I had been so physically tired again I didn’t even try to eat when I knew I needed to. I was tired and that usually means I should eat something quickly in order to assure I don’t wind up so exhausted I cannot move. Well, I was to the point that making myself something to eat was too much a bother, so I just collapsed and slept the day away.
To my fortune, when my mom awoke me, the sleep had enabled me to slowly gather and conserve enough energy to make a meal when I got up. Otherwise it probably would have been the “we need to get you some Gatorade to raise your electrolytes” and whatever hoop-la again while I’m shaking due to lack of energy.
Yeah, though… in this it has been determined. I can never live on my own. In order to make sure I don’t die due to not being able to make it to a refrigerator, I’ll always need someone there to at least check on me. Mom tries to make sure to wake me up when she checks on me and finds me asleep now. She’s the reason I get the protein shakes in the morning. While I’m able to remember to take my meds half of the time, the other half of the time my mom reminds me because I certainly wouldn’t have remembered at the time.
So… pretty much, on my own… I’d either go into withdrawal because I forgot to take my medication, I’d overdose because I accidentally took my meds twice, I’d wind up in a hospital due to dangerously low energy levels or I’d be dead because one of those three things went too far… How lovely.

Hm… Dad and Mom are back. Apparently my father decided to get me dinner from Wendy’s. Dad shows his love by quantity. Since food is the case right now, it will be the example used.
If you ask him for a small, he’ll get you a large. I asked for nothing and tonight he got me a ten-piece chicken nugget, fries, large drink and a small frosty. That is a lot as far as I am concerned… and while I’m usually safe with chicken, I’m pretty sure if I go over five pieces, my body will start doing its “I Reject!” thing and then… Bye-bye, Dinner… Hello again, Ralph. It also doesn’t help that I don’t eat much fast food, so if the grease decides to be mean to me later… meh.

Well, I have written what I’ve been meaning to get down for a while now. There were certainly some other thoughts I had wanted to write, but I cannot recall them.

As for news and schedules… Tomorrow I’ll be seeing Mrs. Wynne. Hopefully I’ll be back to normal by this weekend and can get some things done. until then… Who knows?