Tonight I thought quite briefly of the two girls I once knew some years go from Louisiana. In that vague thought, I also thought, “That had been a nice dream.” That is what I seem to consider good relationships to be: never lasting, short and bittersweet. They are fond memories that become foggy, but well aged in time.
There are other things that fall into the same category. They are dreams that were never lived, but whisper gently in my mind and my heart. Perhaps they would be called dreams, wishes and hopes… Many would even say they are achievable. But when I look at them, I can only see them as dreams and never true possibilities.
I dream of friendships that never fail… I dream of love that lasts… But never do I dream such things existing for me anywhere other than in my mind, my thoughts and my creations. I can dream of such things existing for others, but the ability to even dare hope for such a thing for me…
I suppose I lost my ability to believe in dreams a long time ago.
One would say I am far too young still to believe nothing will change. I have my whole life ahead of me… many years, many chances… The thing is, I used up all my offenses and defenses.
I remember how much I put put into relationships. Friendships was a mighty treasure to be kept on a pedestal and be fiercely protected. Sadly, very few friends felt the same way. The treasure would be smashed every once in a while. I’d always forgive and always try to make it last…
I should have moved on instead though. The once glistening treasure became too bruised by careless hands and yet constantly placed back into them only to be dropped again. So fragile a thing it became… Once strong and vibrant… now it must be protected more than ever…
So now good relationships are but precious dreams and hopes.
For only the past years I have had relationships that allowed my heart to cautiously hope once more. Never… never could I put complete, innocent and trusting belief in those though. I’d let myself dream though… I’d fantasize them actually staying. I’d dream of our feelings for each other to be strong enough for them to try. I’d quietly wish that this person would be the one who would put in enough effort, time and passion into making our connection last…
I know it to all be a dream though… never a reality.
Slowly they would drift away. I would try to keep contact, but now was wise enough not to try to produce a miracle. When they were gone just long enough… I’d give in. The dream was over… and it would go into the hidden box deep inside my mind and heart. Then on occasion, I’d pull it out and know of it as a sweet, sweet memory… a shortly lived dream.
Sometimes a person might email or find me on an online messenger… There will be some chatting and for a brief moment… a small flame flickers to life in my heart. A distant, hopeful yearning will quietly whisper… but I never let it grow into anything more. Because this is routine. The meeting will last a day… maybe two days at most… then he or she will disappear again.
I don’t think I ever dreamed of being royalty and finding my prince or princess. I never fantasized of my wedding. Nonetheless, I always dreamed of there being “The One”. Even though I believe very little in lasting friendships and even less in true love… that dream still lingers deep inside me.
I’d like to find the person meant only for me. I’d like to be the only person meant for someone. I am no longer strong though.
All my reserves were used up on hopeless causes. Almost all my love, devotion, loyalty, trust and faith was used up on people who didn’t return such notions. My expectations are high and these days… it seems very few care to put in the effort.
I found this out too late.
Now all I can do is protect what little of those things I have left and dream of worlds where they do exist. With art and with writing one can create such worlds. There you can make sure such things will come true. Those are my fragile hopes. They may never exist for me… but I can dream of them and make them exist for my creations. My mind children can be assured a happy ending I am too jaded to believe to ever exist for me.
And yet I dream…
I fear if there is someone meant for me… he or she will have to be far more than the average person. Because unlike the lines of someone’s signature I once knew… “You’ll have to try and fix me, I have been broken.”
Does such a person exist, I wonder? Someone who could love me for me? Someone who can accept my flaws and my quirks? Is there someone who can understand my awkward way of showing my affections?
Is there a person who will be patient and loyal? Someone who will try his or her best to understand and be sympathetic? Even when he or she cannot understand me, they will be open minded and at least sincerely wish to despite they just might never figure a part of me out?
I dream of such a person. I dream a person who will be able to make my hope and trust in him or her bloom and flourish. I dream of a person I’ll be able to spend the rest of my life with and know he or she will never betray me.
I’ve just been too worn down to sincerely believe in such a possibility anymore though. I am only strong enough to allow myself to dream of such things… because I doubt I’ll ever be strong enough to endure more heartaches and letdowns again. There are too many cracks and chips that have been glued back together constantly. For it to break again… I’m not sure if I have the will to try to place it back together anymore… that is if it doesn’t crumble into dust before I can even try.