Giving Up…

I give up. That is what I’ve often muttered in my head since last evening in any case. As one can guess from the emails posted, my sister and I “got into it”.

She arrived Christmas Eve late evening. Mom and Dad picked her up from the airport and brought her home. It had been fine. Christmas had been fine. She and Jeremy got along. There was good conversation at the dinner table and laughing. It had been nice. The calm before the storm, I suppose.

I went to bed early that night. The past few months obviously have taken there toll.

I woke late on the twenty-sixth. Hilary was on a cleaning rampage. She “couldn’t stand the clutter” and so rummaged through the medicine cabinet and my mother’s things to clean it all up. I knew it was pointless to try to stop her, but I knew it certainly wouldn’t make Mom happy. I emailed her a warning. Apparently Hilary had already informed her by leaving a message on her phone. All through her cleaning, she complained about Mom pretty much. I kept correspondence with Mom through email. Mom was not pleased, but likely wasn’t surprised by Hilary’s tendencies either.

I am best suited to calm, quiet settings and being alone most of the day. The routine of this home is ideal. Hilary was causing chaos, had music blasting from my dad’s computer and was complaining like mad. It frayed my nerves and I even tried escaping to the garage to break down cardboard boxes just to regain some sanity and peace.

Somewhere in one of my emails I wrote, “Help me. Save me.”

I went to bed early that night as well because my energy was drained by Hilary’s energies and I was still recovering from the past three months.

I admittedly don’t remember the twenty-seventh much at all.

Yesterday had been good. I woke up and thought Hilary was simply sleeping. The house was quiet and peaceful. I tended to the dishes in the sink, ate some Mandarin oranges and was relieved. Turns out she was gone to do something and accompanied Mom to get Christmas supplies on sale.

For a while Mom and Hilary was settled down in the Cat Room and were talking. Hilary’s voice carries so I knew what was going on. I eventually wandered in and tried to put my two cents in but Hilary dismissed me and told me I didn’t understand. This annoyed me as it usually does.

By dinner time we were to go out to eat, just the three of us since Dad had to work late as did my brother. I was questioning about going since I was still feeling annoyed by my sister, but went anyway. That was a mistake.

Hilary ragged on me again when I brought something up due to something my mom said. Finally beyond pissed with her I told her I wished she’d stop being such a bitch. Now, usually I keep those thoughts to myself. Well, I was tired, had missed taking my meds for almost two days due to the chaos and everything being off schedule and dealt with her offhanded verbal abuse. So yeah. It was inevitable.

We got into something akin to an argument, which was mainly her bitching at me and me not even bothering trying to explain since she’d never let me get a word in anyway. Even if I did she’d never consider my words and I’d likely get choked up from crying anyway.

It “ended” there. Hilary and I ignored each other and mainly interacted with Mom. I was apologetic that Mom had to deal with the fiasco, but also stewed less than favorable thoughts about my sister though I am not proud of it. Yes… it wasn’t the end.
We arrived home and I greeted my dad before heading to my room. Typing up my apology/rant email to my mom, soon enough drama occurs after I send it. Hilary planned to go to San Antonio that night. She called up my brother and asked him to take her. He apparently agreed to.

This upset Dad and he asked her why she was doing this… This led to a tirade. Hilary called me “Her” and bad mouthed all of us. She hates how Mom and Dad “baby” me and always takes my side. She added Travis into the mix saying they always considered me right and them wrong. She went on how it was just like the past in our old home and so forth. She obviously looks down on me for how I live and my situation. Pretty much, I learned she still resents me to this day.

So… I give up. I give up on her. I give up trying to be her sibling. I give up on the idea that she’ll ever like me. I give up on thinking she’ll mature and come to be more sympathetic.

I don’t hate her. I just don’t know if I can kid myself into believing we’ll ever be a family. She is but a sister in name… no more, no less.


Skipping Over Christmas…

Letters to my Mom while Sister was home:

Yeah… Fuck you too Hilary. Fuck you, too.

And today had been surprisingly nice until Hilary told me I didn’t know anything… why I even try…
You think I knew jack shit about what she was talking about? I thought I understood well enough. -__-

I apologize to you about the cursing slip at dinner tonight. Admittedly, I had wondered about going at all after the first “run in” with Hilary while in the cat room. I’ve been tired, the day and a half of missing medications and the fact that Hilary and I have never truly made sense near one another…

Yes. I’m sorry for the tense moment there… I’m not sorry for thinking that about her though.

Again, while Hilary says I don’t know, I don’t understand, etc… Well, at the same time she doesn’t know, she doesn’t understand. The difference is, she won’t even consider or bother to try to if she ever did consider.

Yes, I use the term “rich”. As I’ve tried to explain before though, my “rich” is different from her “rich”. I know you know that. She just never listens. Sigh. Even when I use the word “we” I really refer to you and Dad. I’m fine with how I am really. Spend so much on groceries, so much on mortgage, do chores, have the internet… Money left over in case you or Dad need some help and when you don’t, spend a little on something “collectible”.

When I speak of “rich” though… I mainly say it out of wishes for you and Dad. The we only comes into play due to the fact I live in this house with you and if there is a we, then if I somehow miraculously got enough money, I’d make all your financial troubles disappear. Because it is nice to dream. It is nice to think of of it. I wasn’t complaining and I only used “poor” because it was used by others.

Admittedly, I know I am fortunate not to know what being absolutely wretchedly poor is like. Hilary was right about that one, but I know what it is like to count pennies, scrounge for coupons and buy the cheapest items and food possible. I know what it is like suddenly having near nothing in my bank account by the end of the month because some annoying crisis has occurred. I know what it is like to only have the clothes on my back and a couch as my bed.

I know what it is like to see my parents struggle with money because their kids are idiots and most of the time don’t even show gratitude. I know what it is like to have to bail out my siblings because Dad has done something “honorable” for them financially. I know what it is like seeing my parents break down because their idiot son stole a great deal of their precious mementos to pawn. Hilary, you weren’t here during that shit!


I hate to say it… but I am starting to think I don’t really love her and only tell myself I do. I think I try to. I think I might say “I love her, but…” when it is really only being said to convince myself I do.

I had many bad thoughts at dinner this evening. Bad karma indeed.

In order to survive the rest of this “holiday”… I might just stay in my room until she is gone. ‘Cause… like many other things I have come to terms with this year… I think I really just can’t be around her much. She has never been good for me and likely never will… How can I keep telling myself I love her because she’s my sister… when I want her gone? When I want her to just… Sigh.

I send one thing and now… Hilary and San Antonio. I see she still resents me like mad.


I give up on her. I just…. give up.

Brief Reprieve…

Been a while. I was going to update on the end of October, but the internet was barely functioning then. In November it was out for about two weeks. My mom had it, my dad kind of had it… I had zilch.

Before all of that, on October 25 and 26, Mom and I cleaned out the storage unit as well. That was exhausting, but fun despite I cursed like a pirate that day. We found Grandma’s silverware, which has been lost to us for about seven years and brought back a lot of stuff I thought should have gone to good will.

The house was a mess for days and was only cleaned up when Thanksgiving came around the corner. Thanksgiving rolled up as well as cleaning out Grandma’s old house on the 29th. Why? My eldest brother and his wife will be moving out soon. They were going to move out on the 3rd, but that was postponed due to difficulties in the moving service and the house needing fixing.

Anyway, on the 29th, we moved out furniture, dishes and so forth. Some of the stuff would go to good will or storage and others into our house. The house was a mess for days. The garage is still being used as a storage unit. Still that weekend we managed to move in some of the furniture, rearrange an entire room and so forth.

December was a brief reprieve in the beginning despite there was gift wrapping (I’m the gift wrapper here.) Then on the seventh my mom has a week of vacation. This entailed chores, errands and doctor visits. Sadly for Mom, I was hitting my exhaustion point, Tom came around had an annoying health issue rear its ugly head. So I was out cold half the time. I also apparently cannot eat corn products like I used to. Wah.

My birthday has come and passed. It was the usual. I woke up, got a gift from Mom, received an e-card from Dad, got ready to go shopping. The trip is mainly for my Mom to get Christmas gifts for her co-workers. For me it is to eat lunch there. Window shopping isn’t so bad, I just rarely find anything of interest. I never bring money anyway. I need not spend any more this time of year if there should be something that miraculously catches my eye.

We hit the usual store my mom frequents and oddly enough there was a store that had minerals and crystals on display. I knew I wasn’t going to get anything, but it sparked my interest. Sadly, I did see something I wanted (but saw no practical use for.) It was a huge turquoise nugget that filled the palm of my hand.

The price was hefty and though it was my birthday I’d never ask for such a thing. Mom wanted to buy it for me, but I refused due to the price. In the end I suggested splitting the cost. We did and I went home with a lovely stone. It is my birthstone and I collect crystals. So, yeah… it was pretty awesome despite being what I considered profuse in cost and wasteful all around on a logical level.

My birthday meal was at the usual German restaurant and I had the soup again. It was awesome as usual.

There was a nice surprise as well. Brooke emailed me that morning. She wished me happy birthday and we caught up some. She disappeared a while after the second day and I was becoming disappointed again. It happens all the time someone pops up out of the blue. They talk a day or two and then disappear from the internet for years to come if not indefinitely. To my relief, she emailed me today.

The rest of the week was Mom being off work and soon things have gone back to relative normalcy for a while… Well, minus the fact that the vacuum is missing. My brother borrowed it this weekend, but has yet to return it. The carpeted floors are very sad. I am getting bothered by them. I hope he returns it soon.

Other than that, there isn’t much else to note. Christmas is coming up and the brief reprieve will end. Why? My sister will be flying down for the holidays. She might arrive on the 23rd or the 24th. Sure, we love her… but the house sure gets hectic and unnerving feeling when she is around. Pretty much extrovert in a house full of introverts. Scary times.

Sigh… well… that is that!