By the Shred’s Command…

I ended up getting a cold on the 15th of October. That day I was suddenly struck with every muscle in my body aching and a headache. My mom said I was likely getting a cold. The next day I had a cold and told her she jinxed me in semi-good humor. I know colds and I know flues. I have a remedy against them – water, Advil, sleep, hot showers and hot soup. Emphasis goes to the heat of the last two.
I skipped the hot soup this time since I had naught. Instead I wandered aimlessly about the house since sleep would not come. My body ached so I did stretches and did a few things to quicken my blood flow. In other words extremely light exercise. It cleared my head and I felt a bit better. My neck, shoulders and hips were still a pain though so off to the shower. Instead I took a bath since I didn’t trust my balance completely. Hot water, soak and self given massage. Usually my muscles are not so tense they hurt when I massage them. No. This one elicited winces and small grunts of pain. After I believed I did well in turning my muscles into tenderized meat, I left, took Advil, drank water and decided to see if I could sleep. I slept.
I woke up, felt better and prayed that when night time came again it wouldn’t become bad again. The night came and at most I ached. Thus, I had a self-massage and hot shower with Advil. The next day after sleeping some, I found I felt relatively fine, just nauseated and a bit out of it mentally. My parents decided to order in that night. Chinese. Yay. After Friday passed, I was myself again.
The next week went as usual. I learned my brother did indeed got his job back at the newspaper. I know little about my sister other than her talking to my dad one night and more or less upsetting him until he was sick. My e-brother seems to being doing as usual.
I’ve kept in touch with my friend in Pennsylvania, and as usual, I still wish her life could be better and I worry about her as well as her sister since she’s apparently depressed. Their father really isn’t doing so great and while I feel apathy whenever she mentions him, I know she cares for him and thus merely hope things get better.
Shred has had better times too. He’s stressed with school… ‘has more than a year to finish and then he’ll deal with looking for a job or getting one. He has other problems as well like his ability to sleep and his hair falling out – pretty much stress related. Sigh…
The past days have been mainly reading and trying to draw for me. I have three drawings in progress at the moment. That is a first for me. I’m a nut job apparently. I have no idea when I’ll finish them. My cat meanwhile seems to still have worms so I spent five dollars on a small single pill. I felt sorry for him since my mom and I crammed it down his throat right after he had a painful experience with dull claw clippers. I apologized to him profusely afterward.
Well, another week started. My dad has been having busy days at his job… he’s been absent from home during lunch time, which is when he stops by to let his dog out, feed him and feed himself. He’s been coming home tired. Meh… Mom on the other hand seems to be healing fine. She lost her garden though. It upset her greatly of course since she worked on it all summer. She lost it due to the dogs. They trampled and dug up her plants. Her being upset over the dogs, upset my dad and he was in a fowl mood with her for a while. Once that passed, her life seems pretty much how it always is.
Anyway, that is all. All left for this month is Halloween and my dad’s dog going to the vet on the same day.

I’m Afraid of _ Out of 72 Common Fears…

Well, my mom went back to work on Tuesday. Tuesday and Wednesday were mainly days she sat since she had classes/meetings/conferences/? in town. Thursday she car pooled with someone to her usual workplace and seemed to do fine.
Dad is his usual self as far as I know and I know little about my e-brother and sister. My second brother however has an extreme likelihood of getting his old job back at the newspaper here. It isn’t certain, but his chances are like 99%. If he does get his job back, I hope he knows how lucky he is. Such a thing doesn’t happen often in life I am sure. If he does get it, hopefully that will mean he won’t be leeching as much to not at all.
I got another email from my friend and while her life seems just as disheartening (and then some) as usual, it is good to “hear” from her. I just wish I could make her and her sister’s life better. The best I can do is be there if either needs to send an email to vent.

I Fear…

[ ] the dark (I’m more afraid of what is in it.)
[ ] staying single forever (I like being single.)
[x] being a parent (It is more for the sake of both the child and me.)
[x] giving birth (I am in awe of my mom.)
[ ] being myself in front of others (I don’t know how to not be myself.)
[ ] open spaces (Huh?)
[ ] closed spaces (Okay.)
[ ] heights (Not the height, just the fall.)
[ ] dogs (They annoy me rather than scare.)
[ ] birds (I am fond of them.)
[ ] fish (I won’t eat them if that is what you mean.)
[ ] spiders (I usually kill them whether they are poisonous or not since I really can’t tell.)
[ ] flowers or other plants (Nah.)

Total so far: 2

[ ] being touched (Not really. i just don’t like it from most. Also, I prefer a warning.)
[ ] fire (I fear the possible burn, but not the fire…)
[ ] deep water (Water is fine, shark and other such things… no.)
[ ] snakes (I don’t mind them, but if it is poisonous or will choke me… no thank you.)
[ ] silk (Nah.)
[ ] the ocean (It is more the case of what is in the ocean… you know, trash, people and sea life’s bodily waste, etc…)
[x] failure (Failing my parents, likely.)
[ ] success (I don’t really care about goals or aspirations.)
[ ] thunder/lightning (I wouldn’t want to be electrocuted though.)
[ ] frogs/toads (I won’t touch them, but they are fine.)
[ ] my boyfriends/girlfriends dad (Don’t want one.)
[ ] boyfriends/girlfriends mom (No significant other for me.)
[ ] rats (That is my mom’s fear…)
[ ] jumping from high places (If it is out of my own will, no. If someone is holding me at gun point over a steep cliff, yes.)
[ ] snow (Nah.)

Total so far: 3

[ ] rain (Love it unless it floods.)
[ ] wind (Love it unless it is at dangerous speeds.)
[ ] crossing hanging bridges (Huh?)
[ ] death (Not really. It is the dying part that I wonder about – you know, how one is going to die. I don’t want a painful death.)
[ ] heaven (The whole thing with flying in the clouds… isn’t it freaking cold up there?)
[ ] being robbed (I’d hate losing my stuff, but as long as they don’t hurt me or my family…)
[x] falling (Sort of… falls can often lead to pain.)
[ ] clowns (I’ve never really met one, but at most I’d probably be annoyed if he/she is loud or bothering me.)
[ ] dolls (My sister collected them.)
[ ] large crowds of people (Not really. I just fear the stimuli since I will often get headaches from it. Possibly have a break down even…)
[ ] men (Not unless it is a rapist, murderer or some such.)
[ ] women (Not unless it is a rapist, murderer or some such.)
[x] having great responsibilities (Great responsibilities nearly killed me.)
[ ] doctors, including dentists (I’m used to them.)
[x] tornadoes (Heck yeah.)

Total so far: 6

[x] hurricanes (Heck yeah.)
[x] incurable diseases (Who wouldn’t be?)
[x] sharks (Yeah. I’d be fine simply looking at one from a boat or aquarium, but being stuck in the water with such… meh…)
[ ] Friday the 13th (My birthday occasionally falls on it. I like the number 13.)
[ ] ghosts (Unless a ghost could hurt me, no.)
[x] poverty (All logic says I should be and I’d hate it if my parents fell into such. As for myself… I figure it would just mean I’d die on the streets.)
[ ] Halloween (I rather enjoy the decorations… The trick-or-treaters annoy me though.)
[ ] school (I hate it. I fear the people in the building more than the school.)
[ ] trains (I’ve never been necessarily near one. No, though.)
[ ] odd numbers (Odd is nice.)
[ ] even numbers (Even can be nice too.)
[x] being alone (Humans require contact with others.)
[x] becoming blind (Since I have the fortune to see, I’d hate to lose it.)
[x] becoming deaf (I enjoy music too much – selfish, I know.)
[ ] growing up (Eh?)

Total so far: 13

[x] creepy noises in the night (I usually just wait it out though until I figure out what it is.)
[x] bee stings (It’d suck and I have no idea if I’m allergic… I avoid bees.)
[ ] not accomplishing my dreams/goals (I don’t really have any dreams or goals.)
[ ] needles (I’m used to them.)
[ ] blood (Use to it.)
[ ] dinosaurs (If I met one in real life, though, yeah.)
[ ] the welcome mat (Heh.)
[x] high speed (Depends on the situation, but in the over all scheme, yeah.)
[ ] throwing up (It hurts my throat, but that is all.)
[ ] falling in love (It would be burdensome, but I don’t fear it.)
[ ] super secrets (If I can’t keep it, I will say so. If it is mine, I likely won’t tell.)

Total: 16

If you get more than 30, I strongly recommend some counseling
If you get more than 20, you’re paranoid.
If you get 10-20, you are normal.
If you get 10 or less, you’re fearless.
People who don’t have any are liars.

… if you wish to post this in your journal, it’s been requested that you title it I’m afraid of _ out of 72 common fears…

Do What You Can…

Our oldest cat, Tiger, got an abscess on his ear and we had him taken in while my mom made preparations on Thursday. We give him medicine now for it. He seems okay though.
In the middle of the night, after my mom went to bed fretting over her lost pills, I worked on trying to find them again. I took a break and Shred came online. His life is full of stress and he sort of reminds me of when I was back in school. He told me he envied me. The three things were freedom, lack of general responsibility and having no one thrusting expectations on me. I was surprised and feared he might have disliked me.
Admittedly I have a very simple life and many would likely consider it a dream minus the income. I try not to be ungrateful and truly consider myself very fortunate. Seeing those around me, I do feel more or less unworthy and guilty. After all, I wound up where I am due to becoming unhinged in what most people would consider low stress environments.
I understand why I am here. I understand that, yeah, with how my body, psych and emotions reacted to stimuli I pretty much went into break down mode when even in setting most wouldn’t consider stressful.
In turn, based on many years of break downs, depressions, cuttings and that happy attempt at suicide, some people that deal with Medicaid saw my file and apparently deemed me as a complete nutcase who’d never make it in the work field. Thus, considered as a dependent adult-child I’ve wound up being a stay at home housekeeper with a flexible schedule to my parents, gets meds and am able to pay rent, buy groceries and have a cat.
In my attempts to go to college or at least get a part time job and work my way up, I realized how pathetic I am in the work force. I couldn’t even have one college class for one semester without getting anxious, depressed and questioning why I was alive. Two classes the semester before that had been worse.
I tried looking for part-time jobs, but never really got anywhere there, so I tried volunteer work at a school library. After a month there were headaches and stress. Slowly questions of why I was here and the purpose of living began. My Trichotillomania acted up again. I started writing depressive thoughts in my journal again and eventually realized I was wishing to cut again.
In the end I finally went to my mom and noted how pathetic it was. I checked in books, checked out books and put books up and in order. It was a quiet environment, low stress and low interaction. Doing just about a month of that slowly/quickly (whichever way you see it) sent me back to the deep end.
I’m grateful with how my life has turned around. I’m grateful for all that I have. I don’t like seeing all the troubles my family and friends go through… but as far as they are concerned, what do I know about their problems? I suppose I know little to absolutely nothing.
It doesn’t change that I wish I could help and that I am sorry they can’t have better lives as well.
Meh. I’m getting down. I should go into all the other things I mean to write down.
My brother arrived home and was half covered by gasoline. I told him about mom’s missing pills and how she’s been anxious about the surgery anyway and how losing the pills intensified the matter. I added in the possibility of her not being able to get a refill and if that ended up being so she would have to cancel the surgery a second time. I asked him if he ever saw them and he replied no. He said he didn’t even know about them.
He told me about the gasoline. He was helping a friend take out unleaded gasoline from his Diesel. The gas leaked on him and he came back to take a shower and figure out what to do with his clothes. Well, he went to take his shower and I kept looking. I didn’t know whether to believe him ore not, but if he did steal them, he now knew we were aware and of Mom’s situation.
When he got out, I asked him if he would at least help me look. He said he could for only a short while. As he was getting things in order and decided to just throw his ruined clothes out, I kept searching. My dad either woke up on his own and heard me or I woke him from my rustling, he entered the kitchen and asked what I was doing. I told him about Mom’s day, how she went to get our med prescriptions, how she dropped them off and then when she found out her pain meds were missing.
Well, my brother appears and my dad starts questioning him. He flat out asked him if he stole the meds. That was the wrong approach. Meh. Things continued on, my dad woke up my mom and then all of us were up. There was talking, Dad’s accusations, searching and such. My brother seemed helpless and even started to cry from my dad’s constant badgering. Well, my brother eventually retreated to his room, my parents went to theirs and I went to mine after a futile search.
After a while I heard my brother leave in his car. I eventually went to bed and woke to see my parents off around seven. My mom’s foot doctor understood on the matter and she was able to get a refill. She went through with the surgery around seven thirty and the operation seemed to least only an hour and a half at most. I did my chores and stayed with her all of Friday to cater to her needs.
We still don’t know if my brother did indeed steal the pills or not, but as my mom says, “There’s nothing we can do, so don’t worry about it anymore.” I’m over my anger and frustration now. I’m just happy things relatively worked out.
Since my mom is stuck in bed now, all of us are picking up some of her chores. My brother walked her dog today and cleaned up the backyard for her. I cleaned out the litter boxes and did my usual chores after my dad and I got groceries. My brother and I worked on getting medicine down Tiger. Dad catered to getting her food. I catered to getting her drinks and cleaning up the trash she accumulated about her.
Pretty much, we three will be a bit busier for a while. Mom of course doesn’t like it, but I don’t mind. it amused me when she said she was sorry for having me wait on her. It was fine. While I did forget things like numbers when she told me things, I did relatively well… I did forget to retrieve her tea once… Well, as long as she can remind me I do fine!
In other news, this evening I got an email from one of the twins. To my sadness they are not doing well overall, but it was relieving to know they were still alive. Sigh… how I wish I could help them as well as my parents. As usual, money makes the world go ’round. If I won the lottery I’d give it to my parents to pay their bills and debts and them to pay for their financial difficulties as well. If any was left over, I’d give the rest to charity. Meh…
Well, that is all.

Here We Go Again…

Well, while half of the time I see my siblings as selfish, tonight my second brother takes the cake again. After about four years of apparent lack of stealing and drug use… my mother and I have belief that he has struck again. This is why we determine “apparent”…
Well, my mom was looking for some pain meds she got today for an upcoming surgery she has on Friday. She couldn’t find them. She looked, I looked and we came up with nothing. We checked all of her usual areas and I checked all the logical areas. We over lapped each other and checked more than once. There were no meds.
My mom even dug through the trash to look for the bag it came in and the list of what she got. She found mine, but all trace of hers was gone. The meds, the bag and the list were gone.
By then the fear was determined. We cannot help but believe my brother stole them. My mom is already anxious over the surgery. She has been preoccupied and forgetful as of late due to it. Now she doesn’t have the bloody pain meds. My brother is adding onto her stress, causing problems and is being a selfish idiot.
In turn I’m pissed off at him for stirring up this trouble. My parents are aging, they have sacrificed a lot for us, they are in debt because all of my siblings have drained them of money through stealing or loan payments. My dad is in poor health as it is and even though he’s retired he still has to work.
Though they are my siblings, I curse them. My sister is a selfish bitch who treats my parents like shit. She only cares about herself and expects the world to revolve around her. I don’t care about her problems anymore because she shows no respect for my parents and she won’t even stop to realize they do love, worry and care about her. All she does is blame them for not supporting her, not caring and a bunch of other crap that are just lies.
My second brother quit his job when he was almost head pressman, leaves for our old hometown and then comes back again because he doesn’t like his job. He can’t pay rent, he’s freeloading off my parents and now he does this shit again. I want to knock him over the head.
If I see him tonight, I’m going to tell him to help me look for her pain killers. If he helps, I’m going to tell him how this is affecting mom as well as me. If he doesn’t produce them or doesn’t help me search, I’m going to tell him I sadly believe he stole them then and if he did I hope he gives them back. If he doesn’t, then he might as well leave because all he is doing is falling back into his old habits, killing my parents and making me hate him.
At least my e-brother is doing better though. He’s the only one I don’t dislike at the moment. He has a full time job and at least tries to pay rent. He’s also been thinking of trying to go back to college. My parents won’t be able to send him, but if he does continue with his ideas and plans, he’ll be hopefully getting onto a better track in life.
Well, I’m tense; I’ve been rubbing my forehead and thinking about how disappointed I am in my second brother. I wish my beliefs were wrong, but it is his same MO. My mom has a gut feeling and we both cannot help but look at him. Perhaps it is wrong to point fingers without proof, but that is how my brother works. He leaves no proof.
My left temple hurts now, I’m frowning and my chest seems a bit tight. Damn it.