Pain with Bits of Hope…

I guess I’m in a slight brooding mood tonight. It is likely due to reading and semi editing some stories I like. The stories are written by someone whose first language isn’t English. She did well translating them from German though, but sometimes things don’t flow correctly or simply are hard to make sense of. I left all the British spellings though.
Reading them again, I cannot help but remember my adolescence again. Around that time I read a lot. I got into the Internet long before my peers and found some bits of hope on it. Those bits of hope were from stories. The stories I am reading/editing were some of the stories I read during that hard time in my life. They gave me hope because they showed me I was not alone.
The main characters were usual very troubled, outcasts or the like. They dealt with cruel peers, hard situations and so forth. They found a place to belong in the end though… they always found a happy ending, or the beginning of a better future.
While in the middle of reading/editing the third story so far, I stopped to take a quick shower. At that time I remembered a girl who was a real bitch towards me in middle school. I address her simply as Kennedy. I never knew what her deal was when it came to me, but I know she could b cruel to those who considered her a friend. Maybe it was her nature. It was a sad nature, though… having to hurt and belittle others to make herself feel better. That is my theory anyway.
I remember her accusing me of being homosexual. I remember what caused that accusation. We were in the same PE class one year. Basketball was the activity of the day. Most of the girls hung back despite we were in a line. They were chatting and being annoying as far as I was concerned, so I pushed past them to participate. Someone didn’t like that, said I cut in line. I rolled my eyes and made a comment about not caring about the boys like they did. More or less, I wasn’t boy crazy nor was I afraid to play against them.
Well, later on at the side of the bleachers Kennedy approached me and asked if I was a lesbian. I eyed her unamused and replied flatly, “No, I’m a loner.” Well, being the genius that she is, she replied, “You are a lesbian!” I rolled my eyes and replied, “No, I just don’t like most people.”
I suppose that is what started it all.
I never really minded her. She wasn’t really on my radar. I actually saw her as, “Oh, her… she’s okay.” Boy, was I wrong.
She was friends with two girls I had hung out with all through elementary. One night I was on the computer and one of those girls contacted me on messenger. Pretty soon, I realized it wasn’t one of them, but someone simply using her handle while she was away from the computer.
I guess it was my fault. I should have left the moment it started to get ugly. I wanted to know who it was, though. I wanted to know the true face of my attacker. It was cowardly to cyber-bully me using a friend’s handle. After enduring endless insults she finally told em who she was. It was Kennedy.
I don’t really recall what she said to me that night… Well, I know there were a lot of comments about me being a sick faggot and such… but if logic proves correctly, I’m pretty sure she likely told me to die or that people like me should be dead. I assume this because that night I did consider killing myself. I was thirteen at most.
That consideration wasn’t just because of her attacking me that night, though. No, I suffered from depression since I was twelve, maybe even a year earlier than that. My friends from elementary school were drifting away, peers were becoming superficial and mean, cliques and fads went over my head. Basically, I fit nowhere.
I lived that night, though.
I broke down during first period. We had the same math class then. It might have been the next day or whenever school began again because for all I know she could have attacked me during the week or the weekend. It wasn’t an emotional break down. It was a physical one.
I never knew what they were until that spring or maybe even that summer… maybe it was a year later. I had them plenty when little though. We found out they were panic attacks after I had the worst one I ever experienced in my life.
Well, I had one that morning. I had to leave the classroom. I might have even gone home that day because of its severity.
It was probably one of those girls who told me that Kennedy thought I had to leave the classroom because of what she did to me the night before over chat. To this day that pisses me off. It doesn’t annoy me as much as it did back then, but it is still annoying to know a thirteen year old girl felt smug and proud of herself because she thought she scared someone from being in the same classroom as her. Bullshit.
Like all the boys who made my life hell at that time, her stupid words wouldn’t scare me off and if she did have the nerve to approach me I would have either punched her in the spine or kicked hr hard in the shin. In fact, I think it would have been nice to have done so to her. I never got the chance since she never confronted me face to face, though.
To this day, I also never understood how those two girls who had been my friends in elementary could be friends with her. I do not remember which of them it was, but one of them endured a cruel birthday prank from Kennedy. Despite crying to me about it, she still stayed friends with her. I guess belonging with a clique was more important than coming back to me and actually being friends.
I really should have given up on them back then. I was too loyal and had too strong of morals though. In the very last years I became resentful of them. I’m rather ashamed of that, but that is what I got for clinging onto a promise that meant nothing to them and yet everything to me.
There are plenty of other times. There are plenty of other people. People like Kennedy, people who weren’t as bad as Kennedy, but I have no interest in searching for those times. I had no interest in having memories of her pop up in my brain… They did however and so I write.
I hate how closed minded some people can be. I hate how people can say things so carelessly. I hate how people never stop to think. I hate the fact that I probably am guilty of those things but have never been aware of it.
I doubt it would have ever helped, but sometimes I wonder if they would have done things differently if they had known.

I didn’t like boys (I didn’t like most girls either.)
Would it have helped if I told them that boys would hit me, throw things at me and call me names?
I walked funny.
Would it have helped if I told them one of my legs is shorter than the other, but I never realized it until many years later?
They asked me why I wasn’t pretty like my older sister. Why was I ugly?
Would it have helped if I told them  that even though both my sister and I are of the same ethnicity, but were adopted from different families?
Why was I so weird?
Would it have helped if I told them if I told you that I am bi-polar, have Aspergers and an audio processing disorder but never knew these things until I was finally out of school?

Would they have even listened? I doubt it.
There were many other things going on. Things at home… but I don’t feel like writing about that either.
The world is just full of ignorant, stupid people.

Still, there is that small bit of hope. There are others out there who know the exact same pain. Sometimes it is the same amount you are feeling, sometimes it is less, sometimes it is more. That is what I learned from those stories I read.

Getting Ready for the Holidays…

Well, Wednesday Mom pulled a trip out of a hat on me. We do this every December, but I like to know ahead of time when we are going to do something. Oh well.
It was a thirty minute trip, I believe, maybe a bit longer. We arrived, found a good parking place and got to shopping. The shopping is Christmas gifts for her coworkers. We stopped at the usual places. I cannot recall the names of them, but I am sure I’ve listed them before in last years’ trip entry.
In the middle of it we stopped for lunch at the usual German restaurant. I usually order German potato salad, but decided to go for something that might fill me up more. I had a potato cheese soup instead. It was awesome.
After that we hit the shopping again. We found one of the places my mom tries to stop at no longer exists, but made up for that by going to some place called “Dogologie”. Just seeing what my mom wore that day told anyone that she was a dog fanatic.
We stopped by a few other places after that and then headed home. I fell asleep during the trip only to awake again as we pulled into Walgreen’s. Mom purchased wrapping paper, tissue paper and Christmas themed bags to put the gifts in. I meanwhile found some tape and a ruler I’d need. I’m basically the resident gift wrapper now that my brother doesn’t live with us.
When that was all taken care of we then headed to Hallmark to get our yearly Christmas ornament. Mom found another thing to give as a gift and soon that was over with as well. I was glad because all the hustle and bustle was wearing on me. In the end I collapsed when we got home.
I believe that was the night I woke up at ten. Mom made sure we caught a show before she had to go to sleep. After that I did some chores, took a shower and wound up going to sleep again after a few hours. I didn’t wake again until mid afternoon on Thursday. I’m so bad.
Well, as said, I woke up very late on Thursday. Upon rising I cleaned the kitchen and did the laundry. I had to stop to get something to eat since my blood sugar was near zilch. After that I did my usual dusting regimen and I really cannot recall what I did after that.
Friday is a bit of a blur. I’m pretty sure I slept most of it as well, but know I did wake up earlier than the the time I had the day before. I did the usual chores, did the deep cleaning on the kitchen and likely read over things the rest of the afternoon until it was time to go out to eat.
Dad didn’t join us that night. Whether he wasn’t feeling well or it was true that he “ate a big lunch”, I have no idea. The night was pleasant though. On the way to the restaurant Mom and I got into a discussion about whether certain animals have souls or at least have the ability to connect with humans. That ended upon meeting my brother. The conversation shifted to a seminar he attended and about what he learned. The meal was good, the conversation was engaging and it ended in sopapillas.
I cannot remember much of the night after that. It might have been the night there was nothing to watch so I found reruns of Monk and watched two of those before hitting the bed. Yeah… it might have been that night.
Saturday I woke at a decent hour. I did some chores I believe, but I ended up falling back asleep later in the morning. I woke around twelve and Dad and I went grocery shopping. On the way there I had talked to Dad about Mom’s vacation soon being over. Basically I said I was sort of glad she’d be going back to work. The reason why was because there was no schedule the whole time she was off, so I rarely got anything done. He apparently took it to mean I was tired of Mom. Oi.
Well, we got groceries, came back home, unpacked them and I finally ate something. After that I cleaned the cat fountain and did some text editing. I think I collapsed around three in the afternoon. I woke up again in time to see Mom briefly and she confronted me. Apparently Dad decided to be an ass and told her about our conversation earlier that day. Mom’s feelings were of course hurt because he made it sound like I was glad to be rid of her. Bull.
Well, there wasn’t much time to talk to her about it since she was going to bed, but I assured her that was not my intentions nor the point of what I was telling Dad. She seemed to feel better after that and we parted on good terms. After that I took a shower and stayed up most of the night editing.
I think I woke up around one in the afternoon on Sunday. I got to work on chores, might have eaten a bowl of cereal and had a deeper discussion with Mom about the night before. She came to understand the whole point of my conversation with Dad. While I am glad to have Mom home and enjoy spending time with her, there was no schedule at all. That was the point of Mom’s vacation, of course, but it was a bad influence on me.
While I don’t follow a strict regimen, I manage to get most if not all my chores done before my parents get home from work. I was unable to do that with Mom home. I never knew when to vacuum, the kitchen would be swept through three times a day rather than briefly in the morning and briefly at night and the surprise trip on Wednesday cut out most cleaning altogether.
Sleep was also greatly affected. Since Mom could stay up late, we’d watch three to four shows in one sitting. I’m used to only seeing one to two shows a night. While it allows Mom to escape, it can take a lot of concentration from me to follow the words and storyline. So, too much television tends to drain me. I like the shows we watch, but if I didn’t join Mom, she could have wound up watching a show without me and thus troubles there. So for the most part I tried to be a trooper.
The other problem is that I usually stay up three to four hours after Mom finishes watching television and goes to bed. Therefore, nights when the television watching ended around eleven or so, I’d stay up until three, sometimes four in the morning. That of course caused me to wake up in the afternoon and then that only left me with so many hours to get chores done as well as nutrients in me.
Yep… the change of routine and somewhat lack of schedule altogether was not good on me.
Well, after getting all that – more summarized though – Mom fully understood the matter and summed it up as “Your OCD was messed with and thus caused you more stress than usual.” Well, it wasn’t in those exact words, but close enough.
Anyway, once that was done with I folded clothes and tackled the Christmas tree. Yeah, Dad had taken down the Christmas decorations from the attic Saturday afternoon while I was asleep. Mom decorated most of the tree, but there were a lot of empty spaces that needed to be filled in. Thus, I came by with the “filler” ornaments. Those are basically “glass” balls.
I have a little routine before that though, so before doing the filling in, I worked on “fluffing” the tree. We use a fake tree with a lot of wire-based limbs and branches. When put up all the wires get bunched up, so I go through them and straighten them so the “needles” with fill out. When that was done I of course finished the tree decorating.
I think after all that I returned to my room to read and edit things some more. During that time my mom fixed up a “Birthday Dinner” for me. It is a few days early, but better done on the weekend. I had asked for scalloped potatoes around Thanksgiving, forgot about it and recently had asked for homemade macaroni. Well, Mom remembered both requests and those made both. Oops.
It was a good, filling dinner, though. Bad us. We mainly ate carbs. I ate all carbs, actually. Still, everyone seemed to like it. I adore homemade macaroni. It is so much better than the boxed stuff.
Well, once everyone got their fill, I worked on cleaning the dishes while Mom put away the leftovers.
I don’t quite remember the rest of the night other than taking a shower and putting my meds in order, but I went to bed around seven thirty to eight only to wake again at eleven thirty. I’ve been up since then and it is now three in the morning. I of course decided to type this down since my last entry was mainly jumbled and consisted of poorly remembered events.
Anyway, that is all for now. Monday will hopefully be normal. Tuesday I have a doctor’s appointment and will likely go to yoga in the evening. The rest of the week will hopefully be normal as well.
Third week of December my brother’s birthday should come up and soon after that my sister should come down to spend Christmas with us. Other than that, I don’t think anything else is planned. Yay.

Too Bloody Much…

I really remember little detail when it comes to what has happened since my last entry. I’ll try, though. Saturday was normal except in the early afternoon Dad converted the leftover turkey into soup for when my eldest brother visited. He came the next day with his wife. I’m not sure when they arrived though since I was asleep at the time. There was the usual small talk until dinner started. There was the addition of a small bowl of green bean casserole, twice baked put-back potatoes and rolls to go with the soup. It was a pleasant visit and much laughter at the table. When dinner was over I cleaned up what I could and eventually wound up talking to Eryn about a story I started in 1999. She found it interesting and I offered to send it to her once I got my computer back as well as the Internet. She gave me her email and pretty soon it was time for them to leave. I remarkably stayed awake all through the visit and later into the night.
Monday to Wednesday was normal, I believe. I did my chores, ate my usual meals. Well, okay, Tuesday was different to some extent. Dad came home early, dropped my computer off and went to pick up Mom. I didn’t know if there needed to be anything done before I fiddled with it, so I just left it on the table. Dad soon returned with mom. I got the okay and so put the tower in place. Plugging all the cords in their places, I turned on my computer. To my great relief all of my writings were saved. Most of my music was saved as well and things on my desktop was recovered minus a fan art picture I did.
Well, I could only do a brief look over before it was time to go to yoga class. We had to leave early in order to drop my dad off to a basketball game he had to take pictures off for his work. So, yoga was gone to, done and then we headed back home for about fifteen minutes. Yes, “we”, as in my mom insisted I come with her to pick him up. Well, she forgot her phone so we couldn’t call him when we arrived, so Mom circled the car around for a while until she got a decent parking spot. The game finally ended and when Dad stepped out he managed to find us. Sadly, Mom did a poor job pulling out to drive to him, so we got stuck. He came over and they switched places. This of course meant Dad had to try to get the the front seat while passing through the narrow walking space in between our car and another car, manage to open the car door wide enough for him to squeeze himself through and try to get situated. Mom is so freakishly helpless sometimes. We got back home safely and soon Mom wanted to watch television, so we made quick meals and got in an hour of television.
I have no idea what I did the rest of that night… I’m pretty sure I took a shower at nine, but whether I stayed up all night in order to get my computer in order or went to sleep at a decent hour with plans to work on it the next day is unknown.
Wednesday I do not recall at all. I might have slept most of the day, worked on my computer most of the day or had a relatively usual day of chores, sleep and computer time well dispersed. I really don’t remember. Anyway, it was the last day my Mom had to work before her winter vacation. So, I do know that Wednesday night we were up watching television later than usual.
I don’t remember much of Thursday or Friday. I figure it was again pretty normal minus the likelihood that vacuuming didn’t occur as much if at all because my Mom was home. I am odd about that. I don’t like to vacuum when other people are in the house. Other than that, I know we went out to eat Chinese that night.
Saturday was normal for the most part except when my dad tried to hook me up to the home network for the Internet. That ended less that wonderfully. We gave up, got groceries and Dad called my brother to save the day. My second brother, the one who isn’t married, seems to the be computer guru among our lot. He arrived a while after Dad and I got the groceries, picked up my mother’s dog from his grooming appointment on the way home and put up groceries… Like magic, he got us all connected in just a small amount of time. He stayed over after that, watched television and what not. I think I fell asleep most of the afternoon.
Sunday, I slept like mad, so there isn’t much to remember anyway. Upon waking though, I found my Dad made dinner. We had Torta de Polenta. It was some strange cornmeal dish with peppers and other things mixed in from what I could tell. It wasn’t the best thing I’ve ever eaten, but it was okay. After eating I got to the chores I hadn’t gotten to that day due to sleep. The dishes weren’t so bad, there was a ton of laundry to fold and vacuuming was out of the question considering the time.
The rest of the night I believe I was mainly on my computer getting everything into a similar order to how it was before. The last few hours was spent reading over the first “book” of my story. Due to that, I went to sleep around three. I think I woke again at ten. I ate breakfast, did what chores I could while Mom is around and watched two and a half episodes of some sort of animal cop show Mom wanted me to see. By twelve thirty I had to go to bed again. I slept until about four this afternoon. Mom wanted to do a yoga class, so she woke me up. We left fifteen minutes later and did yoga for an hour or so. After we returned home I took a shower and made myself some supper. Soon enough Mom wanted to watch television.
Sigh… Admittedly, I am getting kind of sick of television. I have been for a while. Yeah, I like the shows, but watching television for two hours is enough for me. Sometimes it is too much for me… Therefore, my mom’s ability to stay up late and watch more shows than usual is wearing on me a bit. Come on season endings! Give me a break!
Oi… Well, my mind has been drained due to the lovely mind-numbing experience. I would have happily gone on to bed before typing this, but I know that if I put this off, I’ll forget everything. EVERYTHING… not that any thing I have written on this is significant… but damn it!
I’m going to bed. I’ll read this tomorrow, maybe edit it, after I’ve gotten some sleep or at least have my head cleared again.