My Head is Malfuctioning…

The week is a blur to me really, but I don’t think much of anything has happened. My brother still is supposed to see an Oncologist some point. My friend, Neko, seems to be in okay health at least and I saw Shred for a short period one night.
The twenty-fifth was quite a day though. It was the girls b-day. I sent them a flower. A bird fell out of its tree. It was a baby. I saved it before the dogs could get it though. Along with that three celebrities died… O.o… Farrah Faucet, Michael Jackson and some dude who I’ve seen cartoons caricature. He was some guy who showed up at your door with a check or something…
Friday is a blur… I did get an email from CP, which was really surprising, but nice. Nothing else comes to mind other than that and that we ate out at Chili’s and I actually found something I rather liked for once. That was bloody amazing and it did me well too. I was starving the night. Oh, yeah… my appetite has grown bigger for some reason. Maybe it is this lack of energy? Who knows? It is annoying as well.
I’ve been watching movies every other day or so to try to keep myself awake more. All it does it prolong my time awake for a few hours. I did watch Con Air the other day. I saw it when it came out in theaters and I loved it. Seeing it the other day just made me realize… it actually is still my favorite movie.
Yesterday a bird fell out of its tree sometime after Dad and I got back from the grocery store. It was smaller than the bird from before. I saved it like the other one and placed it on the outside of the fence so the dogs couldn’t get to it. Now it is with the other stranded baby.
I’ve still been out of it, have had trouble focusing and haven’t been writing much due to this. I’ve been sleeping a lot still and all that jazz. It is annoying. In the beginning I thought it was my usual week of sleeping a lot. Then I thought a week after that it was just sticking with me longer than usual. By the next week I’m concerned and particularly annoyed…
This morning, I think I’ve determined that the only possible explanation for my head feeling so… “out of it” and my sleeping is due to becoming a bit immune to my medication. It has really been a struggle to stay up these days. I try to and have even fallen to watching a movie every once in a while to stay awake most of the afternoon, only to fall asleep not long after watching it. Oi.
Mom is thinking on trying to get me in to see the head doctor again. Then I can see if it is indeed immunity occurring by upping the dose a bit. Meh… I hate this crap. With one of the pills, upping the dose can lead to side effects popping up and those suck from what I recall. Bah.
My dad told me he saw the mother of one or perhaps both of the birds coming down to feed them. That made me happy. I put out some water as my mom asked.
Dad and I went on some errands and I got two movies I hadn’t seen in a long time while he grabbed some new ear-plug headphones. We got some picture frames as well. I helped him put up pictures… measuring, leveling and all that stuff. They look nice. After a few more things including getting a particularly late lunch, I settled down and watched one of the movies I got. It was good.
Now I’m here. I’m out of it, I feel like resting on my bed and all that jazz. Problem is, it is four in the afternoon and my dad usually cooks dinner around five.
Sigh… well… hopefully this is all just immunity to my meds and it’ll get fixed up soon. If it is, hopefully upping the does a bit won’t screw me over though. Evil drugs… they are annoying buggers. Sigh… Still, at the moment I cannot really remember what I just now wrote and it wouldn’t matter if I reread it to refresh my memory. It is almost ka-put.
Oh, yeah… tomorrow I have a doctor’s appointment. Oh, joy. After this one all I should have left is my eye doctor next month. Bah!

Eh… Updates…

Well, the results from the CAT scan came back. My brother is clean. Ironically the doctor says it is still uncertain though because cancer can hide behind the lymph nodes? Anyway, he suggests more stuff. Said stuff is seeing an Oncologist. There are three options… Have regular blood tests for a while plus CAT scans is one. Having chemo for a while is two. Or, he can have the lymph nodes cut out and have a chance of becoming sterile. -__- Lovely.
As for the other night, it seems the case with my mom’s phone call from our “aunt” was mainly her having a breakdown and needing someone to listen to her. From what little I know she has been a single mother for years. She didn’t divorce her husband for the sake of her kids and keeping the house. Well, now there are divorce issues finally arising and she’s trying to sell the house now that her children are grown and with how the market is now… meh. She has a lot on her shoulders. While it is good to know nothing was wrong with my great aunt, it is a shame that my “aunt” is having such a hard time in life. Sigh…
‘Just thought I’d write these significant tidbits down…

Family Time and Too Much Sleep…

Well, the end of the week was the same as usual. My brother told his experience with getting a CAT scan to us at dinner on Friday. Apparently he dealt with some sort of circle contraption inside a somewhat square object. He had to drink some liquid that looked like orange juice but tasted terrible. It left a metallic taste in his mouth. Then he had to drink some dye that he could feel going from his brain to his toes. He said it felt like he was urinating on himself… O.o…
Then had had to sit on some sort of bed-like thing and hold his arms over his head. It would move up and he’d “enter” a circle that would spin around him. He said it lasted about fifteen minutes. It sounded nuts though.
Saturday was pretty normal as well, but around one my sister shows up. I didn’t think she was coming until Sunday. Oh well. She did freak out my cat though. I wound up taking a nap not long after.
We went out to eat Chinese food that night. My sister paid for the meal as a gift to Dad. We had a good time and her actions (dealt with a nose ring she got) ended the meal with my parents and me laughing hard.
We came back. It was around seven did all of us start to drift though. My sister fell asleep on my parents’ bed. My dad was snoozing in the living room. Mom was in the sewing room, so I snoozed again in my room until it wound up sleeping most of the night. My sister left that night around eight thirty actually. Yeah, she couldn’t stay. She had work the next day.
I woke around ten and worked on writing some more the rest of the night. I went back to sleep maybe around one or two. Around six my dad gave me the Nexium and I joked that I was making him work on Father’s Day. I hugged him and wound up falling asleep again.
Later my mom comes in to get the gifts I’ve been hiding for her. I signed and wrote messages in the cards I got already, so she was busy dealing with her things. I was half awake through this. After that she slipped out again with gifts in hand.
I finally arose around nine. I cleaned the kitchen, did the laundry, ate breakfast and settled back down in my room again. My parents came home from church then and I gave the end of one of my cards to him – “EXTREME HUG!”
Around ten or so I wound up falling asleep again. I should have gone on my walk, but I had the feeling if I did walk, I’d end up tripping, stumbling or whatever again… Basically, I was still out of it.
I took another nap. It lasted until about one-thirty this afternoon. I could tell my eldest brother and his girlfriend was already here. I figured my other brother was here as well.
Well, I rose, took a shower and joined everyone. The kitchen was tended to a bit and my dad started preparing dinner since he won’t let any one do anything for him. I made myself a bacon sandwich since I still needed lunch.
After that I watched my mom, E. brother and his girlfriend play Trivial Pursuit. His girlfriend won more or less and dinner was ready by then. The table was set; we said prayer and then ate. There were discussions and such… I never can remember them sadly.
Well, when half of us were done eating, I got up and began cleaning up. I usually do at least half of the cleaning up. This time I tried to do most of it. So, I put up dishes, from the washer, washed the ones coming to the sink (my dad always says I wash them to the point no one can tell they are dirty) and stuck them into the dishwasher. I did need help from my mom around the end of it because I never quite know what to do with the left overs. Thus, she emptied the dishes for me and I began cleaning them as well.
Dad, E. Brother and his girlfriend were mainly talking in the dining room still. My mom did get a call from her cousin who we all call “aunt”. I never got to hear what it was all about, but there seems to be troubles brewing.
Well, she joined them again, people ate dessert and I kept up with the dishes. Well, I finished up my end finally when they finished their desserts. It is a good thing I never have room for dessert or then I’d be insulted.
Well, after that there was still some more interacting. My dad shared his love for Jimmy Buffet with my brother while his girlfriend sort of got into it. My other brother wandered off elsewhere.
Mom asked me if I was still keeping her small blue jewelry box in my safe hands. I did, and we unburied it. It seems my E. Brother asked about Grandma’s wedding ring. Mom no longer had it due to previous dire events. So, she was looking to see if anything else could be used. I could already tell what this was about.
Thus, later on I asked when she and E. Brother were talking if he was planning to ask his girlfriend for her hand in marriage. It was a yes. I wasn’t really surprised or excited. I just nodded my head and lightly crowed that I knew it.
Well, not long after that E. Brother and his girlfriend had to leave. They had some other family engagements on her side to attend to as well. So, my parents and I waved them off and eventually came back in.
Now I am here typing this. I don’t know where my mom is right this moment, but I plan to ask her about the phone call earlier. She told the rest of the family, but I wasn’t able to hear due to dish washing. Bah.

Just Some Stuff…

I saw my psychiatrist on Friday. It was the same old thing. We went, we waited, we went in and we talked. I did bring my binder with me though. I told her perhaps a year ago I would some day. I meant to my last visit, but forgot. Well, she was apparently impressed. Bah.
I have noticed I react differently now though. Back when I went to school and people complimented my art my reaction was to freak out. Now, this estranged me from people. My embarrassment showed from me crying out, “Don’t tell me that! I don’t want to hear that!” I’d groan and carry on sometimes too… maybe even cover my ears with my hands. They always looked at me with wide eyes… the sort where a person backs away and goes, “Uh… oh-kay… (nutcase)…”
Now I ignore people instead… maybe grunt. So the doctor looked and I stared at the wall and the room’s set up. Mom went on as usual about how I would rarely show others my work willingly and junk. She always tells that story the few times I bring my book out. Oh, how earth shattering this moment is. Oi.
Saturday was errand day. Mom needed to go across town, so I followed as usual. She got some office supplies; I got one bloody expensive binder to hold my “original” art in, because when I met my head-doctor the day before the thing split a bit. I have a lot of pictures. The thing is pretty heavy and the binder was pretty old by then.
We then stopped by Hallmark to get Father’s Day stuff. My dad is evil when it comes to gift getting. He doesn’t want you to get him anything. Some would say great, but when the person searching really wants to get something… it is a pickle.
Well, I found two cards, bought them. My mom got a card. I showed her a coffee cup that amused me. If I had known he would have actually liked it (it had lyrics to a Willy Nelson song, which I wasn’t aware of) I would have gotten it. Oh, well…
After that, Mom wanted to stop by the outlet-like mall. She looked for deals and eventually got a shirt as another Father’s Day gift. Over all, we are prepared now.
Sunday was just… normal. So was the rest of the week so far. There were a few things happening, but nothing big to write about.
My dad’s back has been bothering him most of the week. He has a bad back for a while now and for a couple of days now it has been acting up. This was brought on by him bending over to put a collar on one of the dogs. I asked him how it was this morning. He said by the end of the week he expects it to be back to normal. Sigh…
Also, yesterday my brother went in for the CAT scan. Apparently he had a two-hundred fifty-something fine for previous medical expenses not yet paid so they wouldn’t admit him. My dad of course had to pay. I just hope my parents don’t go over draft again. Anyway, results fro the scan won’t be known until Monday. Bah.
In other news, yesterday I reached 300 pages on that story. It made me quite happy. I even got a few emails from Neko late last night as well. It really made my night. She seems okay for the most part, so hopefully things stay that way.
Nothing else comes to mind other than having a doctor’s appointment on the 29th.

Results and Nothings…

Bah! It was cancerous! Sigh… still, the doctor said the tests led to show it hadn’t spread. My brother will get a CAT scan though to be 100% certain. So… here’s hoping.
I don’t know what’s up with my G-aunt. I’m assuming all is okay since no one has called us. I’m guessing she’s just settled in at the rehab thing.
Other than that, my week has been okay. I’m still sleeping more than I’d like… but… who knows? I’ve also gone down on my speed when walking in the morning. Apparently 3.6 mph was too much on my ankle and rendered it to the state of painfulness and me to vague limping. Bah…
I haven’t seen Neko much. She is one busy chica. Still, summers were always busy for her from what my memory tells me. Birthdays, stress, family things and all that fun stuff. Still, she managed to get a part time job at the place she’s been volunteering at. Yeah, it is the very bottom with little pay. Still, it is good. She made a step up because in all truth, I believe she is doing the exact same stuff she’s been doing. Yay! Finally getting some pay out of it.
I haven’t seen Shred much either. He did show me a video in the beginning of the week though. Memories of my childhood thoughts popped up from it. It seems Neko had seen it before as well. We got it and I found it nice to know she had similar feelings as me. It was a comforting thing.
My story is coming along okay, but I think I’m slowing down on juice. It is 249 pages now and that makes me happy. I also think that long story that still always has tweaking is overall finished for once. Yeah, it’s amazing. I finally got in the one thing I wanted to. It is the easy way out and goes in with the epilogue stuff, but still!
I’ll likely write short stories and side stories pertaining to the characters though. They are my brain children. Brain children are love.
Sigh… well… Other than that, I see my head doctor tomorrow afternoon. I’m thinking on showing her my “art book”. I meant to the last time I saw her, but forgot it. I’ve become more resigned to letting people see my stuff. Not so much, I’ve got to know them and all… but I’m easing up.

Bloody Eventful…

Tuesday I learned my Great Aunt tripped and broke her ankle. Mom said she’d likely have surgery the same day as my brother – Thursday. She’s getting up there in her years. Mom said she’s around eighty-five now. Well… after all that she’ll likely have to be put in a place to be looked after properly since her daughter, my mom’s cousin, can’t be there all the time due to work and all.
I also learned my brother’s thing isn’t caused by STDs according to tests. They still only know it to be a mass though and the surgery will cost $5,000. That isn’t including the prepping and all that other stuff… just the removal. Oi.
Wednesday night I asked about my brother’s surgery. My mom told me he’d go on at nine thirty and would wait an hour, getting prepped and such. Surgery would likely start at ten thirty. The surgery should last forty five minutes or so. After that he’d be under anesthesia for two hours. The earliest he’d likely get out was one.
He and my mom talked on the phone. My brother has work insurance, but they don’t cover the doctor he has. Mom mentioned things being worked out though since said doctor is the only one who specializes in the area within a certain radius… I think she said fifty mile?
I admitted a part of me wondered about karma. While my brother isn’t essentially a bad person… he has done some bad things in life. As said, he’s already put in a ton of toxins in his body since… maybe when he was twelve. Then I remind myself that bad things happen to good people though. At most my brother is the gray area.
Still, it is a very intense situation. While I tend to numb up in these scenarios, I do feel sorry for him. My mom admitted he sounded close to breaking down when he talked to her on the phone. She said he actually admitted being scared to her and neither of us can remember a time he’s really said such a thing before.
He told my mom he didn’t want us there while he was at the hospital. I can understand why he wouldn’t want Dad there. I think he’d be uncomfortable at most with me there, but not afraid I’d freak out. He’d be fine with just my mom there, but then dad would come. It was agreed to. Mom and I easily understood. My dad didn’t say anything but did agree as well.
As noted times before in previous entries… my dad does poorly when it comes to bad situations if they should concern the family. He usually doesn’t know what to do, gets panicked, yells, becomes irritable or when semi-fine he cracks stupid if not lewd jokes. If he went to the hospital he’d likely fret like mad, pace the entire time and be restless. Knowing that, my brother just didn’t want that happening. It would have made him more nervous and as my mom kept noting, it would make him feel even less in control.
While my mom is the pillar of the family, my brother has been an additional pillar at times too. Since my dad doesn’t handle these situations well, it was usually my brother who stepped in and took command. While my brother has been scared through this he had asked my mom to look after dad. It is just how it is. We worry about worrying my dad. So we usually talk to mom first if not only. Pretty odd I guess… the one going into a life changing surgery worried about the sanity of a family member who is on the side lines.
It is all about the illusion of the control one processes I think.
Dad thinks he can’t control something he flounders and panics.
Brother finds himself in a spiral and he’ll try to find what he can control even if it is something small.
My mom keeps faith, logic and some empathy on her. One might say she puts herself in God’s hands most of the time. She prays.
Me? I’ve concluded a long time ago almost everything is an illusion. Reality is a fragile illusion we use to make ourselves feel safe. It is all about control. So… I just kind of go numb and go with the flow. What happens will happen.
Anyway, it was decided that my parents would be called and when he was okay to go they would pick him up. My dad went to bed after mom relayed enough of the phone call to him. She and I stayed up until ten after that. We talked a bit, I made sure I knew what was happening, we talked about possible cancer and she eventually went onto bed.
I talked about it some with Neko. She had some family problems herself as well, but didn’t share. Oh well. The rest of the night was just enjoyably chatting with her.
I woke up later than usual this morning. I got in my walk, dusted and did some chores. After that I sat outside with my mom while she said plenty of prayers.
My brother went in as planned. We were still outside when we assumed he was just getting into surgery. Mom went out walking and Claire, a woman who’s worked with my brother, had gone all the way to the hospital to see him without any of us knowing. She kept trying to call my mom with our home phone but she kept getting cut off. She did eventually get her on her cell. My dad came home during lunch time and stayed after that.
Well, when one came around my parents left to go to the hospital. I stayed home. My brother went back to his own place and my parents came home. From what I hear he was snappy, protective and yelled at my dad when he got too catering. My brother even got out of the wheel chair before it got to the car, so the nurse just kept wheeling it behind him as he walked.
My mom of course rationalizes all of it. My brother is scared, worried if it is cancer, what will happen to him if it is, his manhood being at stake and all that jazz. He apparently went on about how my father is treating him as a little kid and my mom sees it as control issues. Lack of control over his life is bothering him and all. So, she drove.
Dad started tending to the yard, likely due to nervous energy or stress. My brother texted my mom to ask her to apologize to dad. So… yeah.
Now we are just waiting to find out if the tumor was cancerous or not.
I crashed after that. It was three and I woke up again around five to five thirty… maybe? My “Aunt” called. She gave my mom a progress report on my Great Aunt. She went into surgery too today. They set her ankle and moved her to a rehabilitation place. On the way there, however, her chest began having pains. With her heart condition it could very well have been mild heart attacks. The people then tried to take her to another facility. My aunt and her daughter had no idea about this and had been waiting for her to arrive at the rehab place. Sigh… So, what will happen after this… who knows?
Other than that, the rest of the night has been normal. Yeay…
Oh yeah… I did something to over strain my ankle somehow. I rested it on Tuesday. Wednesday it hurt too much though. I walked on it again today but wound up returning to my semi-limp mode. I’ll rest it tomorrow and try a lighter walk the next day I guess. How annoying…


Well, dinner was less than appetizing to me on Sunday and that of course upset my dad. Oi. I won’t go into that.
My brother came by for dinner. The ER couldn’t help him out much other than agree with him that something was wrong. So, he was to see a doctor, who specialized in the area, I guess.
Today he went somewhere. Cancer hasn’t been picked up on the tests, but the doctor says that the tests can fail at times. Nevertheless, he still needs surgery. So, Thursday he is going in and having the area that holds the mass removed and will have a prosthesis.
My dad and Brother came home at lunch, and if they already had those results, they never told me. My brother, I can understand. My father I can understand. They just went on as normal around me.
I found out from my mother. She got home and said she guessed I knew about the results. I didn’t and wondered why she would think Dad would ever talk to me about such a thing. I guess she realized that soon enough.
Because of this, she skipped jury duty though. After all, this is a serious family matter. She went onto work and got home later than usual. She seems her usual self though.
I just thought all of this should get written down.