Well, my mom admits to me today that she thinks I might be PTSD. She was reading aloud from a book while we were in the car late this morning. She read the second section “PTSD-A Normal Reaction to an Abnormal Amount of Stress.” I laughed lightly at that.
She started to read about the four types of disassociation. The first was where sense and emotions disconnect. I was vaguely disturbed hearing what she read. She moved onto the second, which was depersonalization or derealization.

“Here you feel like a robot or thing.”
“It is not uncommon for survivors to bite, hit, or try to injure themselves physically so they can feel ‘real’ or ‘alive’.”

I was a bit surprised to hear the robot bit. Mom went on about how once I even said I felt like one once. I vaguely recall. It was something along the lines of being mechanical. In any case, after she read the rest I smirked and jokingly asked, “So, does that mean I suffer from PTSD?”
My mom apparently thinks so.

Later on, probably even around twelve hours from that last conversation, I was doing my chores and ask her, “Do you think you are knowledgeable on PTSD? As in, how well you know about it?”
She replied yes, which I eventually understood to mean she knew the topic very well. So, I reaffirmed as to whether she really did think I was PTSD. She does.
I eventually ask, “So all in all… What do you think I really am in cases of mental stability?”
She asked me something… I cannot really recall, but in any case I didn’t understand what she was asking and thus told her to go with that. She did. It apparently was what I was looking for. I asked her what she thought of the bi-polar thing. She agrees with it. There was a bit of talk. I asked her if the type I had would ever go away since what brought mine on was stress. She said no. She used the example of my anxiety and the like. I used the analogy of my wrist.
I ask about the Aspergers. She said she really wasn’t sure on that… perhaps she didn’t really think it was right. She spoke about my inability to relate to people, but saying it could be PTSD. She then spoke about the communication problems and that was the only factor that really seemed to keep it in the list of possibilities.
If I do have PTSD, my mom believes it was likely all due to my sister. I somewhat smirked at that. Perhaps… but I think there was more to it than just my sister. I kept quiet though.
All in all, it rather surprises me. I know some about PTSD, but I never would have considered myself as such. Perhaps it is how the disorder was presented to me through media… then again those presented were likely to great extremes. Oh, well.
I really don’t know what I think of this. I suppose it is a possibility, but… with how my life has been up to now… I suppose it would be as though I were making a mockery to those who have it.
I mean, really. When you hear about PTSD it is usually associated with people in war, survivors of terrible physical abuse, people who underwent natural disasters… Then there is me, who ends up having PTSD just due to my sister? Truthfully, if I do have it… I find it a bit pathetic on my account. Why? I suppose I could go back and say, “When younger I made a great deal about being strong and show no weaknesses.” While I am not so intense about that now, I do think the scenario is a bit sad.
So what is my opinion? Possibility, but I never saw it coming.

Fuel: Something’s Missing…

I thought the title phrase the first time I listened to Angels & Devils. I know what it is. I think I always knew really. I love the songs, the melodies and the combination of Green’s voice with the instrumentals. What is the problem then? It isn’t as powerful.
After getting the CD into my system I did the “next step”. I listened to the songs from Angels & Devils mixed with all the previous songs Fuel created. What was missing was a feeling that would bloom inside me.
Scallions’s voice gave a power and energy that made me really enjoy listening to his singing. His voice was very expressive as far as I am concerned. His voice really stood out, it seemed… even slightly past the instrumentals. It made me want to sing along enthusiastically.
Green has a more trained way of singing it seems. It blends well with the instrumentals and has a sort of “smoothness” to it. Even when his voice rises to near (if not already) yelling it is smooth like a single strum that rings loud and evenly abates to silence. While I respect his singing abilities it doesn’t send a sort of energy through me.
I find myself lightly singing along at times, but it doesn’t create an internal smile blooming within me. If I sing along, close my eyes and sing it how I would… that is when the blossom unfolds. With previous Fuel albums it wasn’t like that. The feeling would come first and urge me to sing. This one though… The melody is what I follow more I think. When I listened very intently to Green’s singing, I did find expression in his voice… but it wasn’t projected enough to get to me. Perhaps it is his pitch. His voice is lower than Scallions’s voice.
Despite this, I have found I do like Angels & Devils a lot just due to the sound overall. I think the group has evolved greatly. The lyrics are a bit better and the instrumentals are great. The melodies pull me in and Green’s voice is exceptional. At times I even think this CD might be their best so far. The combination does well and if this keeps up, I will likely check out their next album release.
There is just… a slight feeling of loss though. I miss that feeling I’d get from listening to previous albums.
The only step left now is to get a good long listening on headphones. The time that will happen is when I take a long trip somewhere though. It seems listening during those times are the best for this sort of thing.

Fuel: Angels & Devils…

Fuel seems a bit like a different band. It still has the same elements I always liked about Fuel, but I’ve always found the voice to be an instrument. Scallions’s voice had been the unique instrument to Fuel for many years. Green sometimes sounds a bit like him. He is differently tuned though and thus why it really seems like a different band though it truly isn’t. A different voice is like installing a new component to a melody that was never there before while taking out a previous one. Now, this is a first true listening… but Green just doesn’t sound as passionate. He is more tuned, but his voice doesn’t seem to cry out passion like Scallions’s, which is something that gives a bit of loss for me. I’m sure Green is singing at his best and he is passionate when singing, as most are… but… it isn’t conveyed as strongly as I’d like. I need to get a good listening on headphones before this is truly decided though.
Even though it is nice that their voices both have a sort of gritty-smoothness to it, I sort of hope Green isn’t trying to do the same sort of singing as Scallions. While I love Scallions’ voice because it is a bit more unique and his style shows his energy, I still think one should not try to do the same. Hopefully Green is doing his own style of singing, but he really sounds like he is trying to sound like Scallions. Perhaps it is to play it safe and ease leery fans into accepting him. Sure, Scallions’s doesn’t have dibs on how songs are sung, but I’m hoping Green will do something that sets his voice outside others even if it is just a tad. Brett had his certain depth and ability to express… So, Green, what will be your thing?
Now, the band as a whole… another reason why I say it sounds like a different band is because it sounds more mainstream. The Fuel CD Natural Selection was going that way, in my opinion, and this one seems like such as well if not already. I guess the earlier two, Sunburn and Something Like Human got me the most due the fact that they were really beginning to develop their sound, finding what really worked. They sounded slightly more diverse and certain songs would really stand out for me. I heard songs from EPs Fuel, Porcelain, and Hazleton. Those were more experimental and had versions of songs that really had yet to be polished to become what they were in Sunburn and Something Like Human. I think so far, their middle years are the best.
These last CDs are good, but not as… distinct. I think it is due to the instrumentals. Like in Sunburn’s Jesus or a Gun, the rifts in that were great. I don’t hear that sort of stuff happen anymore. I did like the beginning of Not This Time with the heavy rifts, but they never really incorporated greatly or changed into something better. Sure there was a string solo… but it didn’t grasp me. Maybe it was because I was getting peeved with hearing Not This Time being repeated so often. Before Natural Selection came out their instrumentals were more simplistic where each instrument stood out more easily. A lot of songs from Natural Selection and Angels & Devils sort of blur the instruments together into something almost more… “lulling”. Some songs are rubbing on me some due to melody, though. I Should Have Told You, Halos of the Son and Wasted are starting to catch my attention after listening to them for a while.
Overall, the CD is okay. After getting the sound settled in, I think I just might like all the songs on it. None of them seem bad so far. It is just none of them have gotten me singing aloud with them yet – though Halos of the Son is getting there, I admit. After listening to it to the point most would go mad, I’ll find my standing – like how I do with most CDs. Who knows? I might just come to love this one.

Jack the Nipper…

Atticus now drinks on his own, eats plenty and is able to leave my room unsupervised as long as no dogs are in the house. Cleo is still a royal bitch towards him, hissing if he is a yard away, but she doesn’t attack him or the like.
He’s been growing steadily and is a little delinquent. Well, he doesn’t cause trouble, but he is a handful. He also is a fighter. He attacks everything. His particular toys of choice are my hands and feet. Now that he is older he uses me like a bloody soup bone.
His middle name is Jack I’ve decided… Jack the bloody nipper. His teeth go through my skin now and will tear it good. I bleed. Bugger.
Despite he is a hyper, playful and injury inducing cat, I am fond of him. He is the exact opposite of Peabody, but it doesn’t sadden me. I just pray once he’s a year old he will have mellowed some… my poor hands.
Speaking of hands, I’ve been strengthening my wrist with a two pound weight the past two weeks now. After this weekend I might go onto a three pound. Yeah… muscle strengthening. I only do sets of ten or twenty when I think about it. Despite the inconsistency, my wrist does feel stronger. I did have to take some Advil yesterday because my muscles became tight, but all is fine.
Oh yeah, about three weeks before all this I saw Mindy, a previous student who was taught under my mom. When younger she would drop her son off at our house so my sister would baby sit for him. Now twelve, he is a pain in the ass. Mindy seems the same and I liked seeing her. Her son was a different story. Pretty much he “attacked” me with taunts and junk. I guess I’m just naturally weird. After we ate my mom suggested I go to my room. I think she feared the kid was making me relive traumatic memories. No… I just wanted to get on my leather boots and kick him hard in the knees. Well, I did as suggested and went to bed. Seems I wasn’t the only one bothered by him. My mom asked for wine after they left. Sadly, we didn’t have any.
Let’s see… anything else? I don’t think so. My life is pretty much the same as always. Blah.