Brain Dead…

My brain crashed… I think. It is my fault. I pushed it for twenty four hours and would not stop even when four hours before I quit my body was even feeling very ill… but now… I am paying. All of this was when the weekend was nearing.
On Saturday I was out all day long. My father came down that afternoon with my fevered sister in tow. Um… I woke up around three in the morning on Sunday and stayed up for some hours but was pretty out of it. When three came around I had to lie down because my head was bothering me still. I questioned if it was a headache. Around six my father comes in to inform me of dinner. I ate, but hit the bed again after. I woke up around four this morning and took a shower. My head still is not feeling right. My body was not feeling right, but that is easing up. It is my head.
I came to the conclusion that I am suffering from after effects of working it too hard. The reason I had not slept for a day was because I was, and still am in, one of my obsessed modes. I was working on a website nonstop. My brain was busy remembering, html crunching and all sorts of things for hours and did I ease up on it? No.
Even when it was nearing my crash, I still forced myself to stay up when I felt like I was going to be really sick… which worked because the sick feeling eventually numbed. I kept hoping for a second wind… It never came… so I finally gave in.
Now… I cannot concentrate. I cannot even really focus on this and am writing at the tip of my fingers rather than the top of my head, I think. Jeez, though… I still have stuff to do, but I rationalize that if I do it in this state, nothing will be in the true state I intend for it to be in… so… I am stuck.
I could sleep, since my brain is not helping me much anyway, but that is annoying. I could stay up, but what I read will not be truly processed, my words will not be certain and all sorts of other things will be tainted with the possibility of being wrong… and certain things I do during the day just cannot have that. It is okay in this journal, but everything else… no.
I want my head back to normal so I can resume! Sobs…

Old Pages…

Ah… websites that were all in basic html and what was considered fancy were left side frames for listing, animated gifs, tiled backgrounds that did not always lace or were pictures that were simply faded, tacky separators, clear tables with thick borders, midi music in the background and an occasional water/lake java applet. Hello, mid 90’s.

I’ve been meandering about the Internet and once in a while during this spring I would see if there were any sites that I went to back during those times were still around. Many aren’t, but the times I found one that was still alive, I’d become nostalgic.

This one site is over a decade old now. It looks completely different, but it still homes fictions from old times. I read through some and stumbled upon “authors” I loved when young. There would be notes that implicated how old they were at the time and it would amaze me how much time had passed.

It is recently have I really been at it. I’ve been looking at sites I never was aware of from back then, but it is apparent the pages are from such “era”. They just have that look.

Another factor is when there are certain images used in galleries that will make the site shout out “I’m a senior!” What spurred this recent site searching was due to searching for an old picture I never saw around on more up to date pages. I found it on old pages easily.

I forgot however, that back in those days pictures were smaller… because the biggest screen resolution back then was 800×600! Also, scanners were not great and the only format around was jpg that slowly deteriorated the picture’s quality as other sites stole/borrowed/used the pic from somewhere else…

Oh, another nostalgic thing… no thumbnails! Half the image gallery pages one encountered did not use thumbnails!

Oh… and the big banners… they were usually around 400×100 in size… Some were in forms of silly awards given to the site, some to be placed at the top or bottom of the page to tell you where you were, or for linkage.

Heh… yep… there is much nostalgia. Those sites can get away with midis and java lakes. They can do so because they are static and they are like an old teddy bear you used to call Mr. Snuggles but cannot bear to throw him away, so you keep him hidden in a sock drawer and pull him out for a warm fuzzy feeling every once in a while…

Many are broken links now, however… I wish the people just left the sites they made back then up. I mean they took the time to make it back then, why throw it away? Memories, people! Memories! Perhaps they would be considered embarrassing maybe… but… wah… There are just some pages I remember distinctly and miss greatly now. Good times…

Anyway… there really is not as much to write now, or I just cannot remember this passed week that well… I think I saw Cindy. Sometime in the middle of the week two women came by. They made me nervous… but most people make me nervous, so I took it as normal. They talked to me probably for half an hour while on my doorstep about God. I mainly tried to understand what they were talking about and why they were there.

I never knew what Jehovah Witness people are other than that not many people like them… I did not know that is what they were at the time, but my mother saw the magazines they gave me and threw them away the moment I handed them to her once she got home. After that I became anxious and more confused really.

I found I still handle stress the same way as usual. I either try not to think, ignore or sleep so I do not have to do either. Simply put, I felt sick for a while. Stress was from wondering how to identify people like that again, how to handle the situation, try to comprehend what was so terrible, hoping they would not come again, Mom made me nervous by her reaction, etc…

My dad came down but I was asleep most of the time because I took what my mom dubs “a chill pill” at a dosage that was more than usual. He left this morning.

Um… other than that, I have a dental appointment this Wednesday. Oh, joy…

*Eh… Yeah…

This month a check did not come. My mother finally decided to call about it. Such a thing happens. From the call we learned that next time such a thing happens, we should call after the forth day. So, now they are looking into it. It could have gone to the wrong place and the like. It might have just vanished. After they make sure no one has tried to use it, in case it was stolen, they will send a second if the first one still has not come. If we end up getting two for this month, we just have to send one of them back since they cannot undo such themselves.

Um… My dad was here last weekend. He and my mother left the next day (Friday) to go to my sister’s Graduation. So, she is not finished with college and has a load of problems. Said problems are the following: No job, thus no cash, thus no place to live once her apartment lease is over. So… she is trying to come up with better options than having to live with my brother or us. My dad gave her money for her graduation present, so that should tie her over for a while. Hopefully she will find a job… or at least set her standards lower than what she has now. She expects the world on a silver platter without realizing that such a thing is not going to happen unless our parents were filthy rich and were of great influence over people in the field she studied on. Sigh.

Eh… Other than that things have gone relatively to the norm. I had a strange urge to draw ideas I had back when I was very little. Well, they were not so much as ideas as they were irks that I needed placated. I like to edit or do revamps of things. Well, there were various things I stumbled upon that drove this sudden need. How i came upon such things was due to looking around to see what sites I visited when I was in seventh grade were still around. There are still some around! I even found a few places that I had left my presence on while under a different name. Ah… nostalgia.

Oh, and since I cannot really do much for my mom and I think buying a paper card that has a saying on it is just… useless. I told my mom that e-cards were simply deleted right after read and that paper cards just take more effort to get rid of. So, when we ate out tonight, I bought. It was just my mother and me, so there were no qualms on my side – I am not buying my siblings a meal.

Uh… I guess that is all… well, other than the fact that I have more dentist appointments. I did not go on April the 30th. I did go last Monday. I have about four more visits to go. Why? Heh… the time it takes to work on one tooth is about two hours worth… I have come to find that dentistry is an art form of its own. The dentist has to shape my teeth. Last time I had a bit of concern over how my bite was since the wear was no longer there, but I became used to the change. This time one tooth is just too long, thus my bite is off. I get to tell her about it this coming Monday. One might think my teeth must be atrocious, but all the work is on cavities that are very small it seems. No, it is only the fact that the process takes a long time.

In any case I have had nice, brief conversations with the dentist after the work is done for the day. Somehow the talk about patience came into play and i told her how I lacked in it. She said I obviously had some since I sit silent and still for hours with my mouth wide open. Heh… I’m not a talker. I’m more of a thinker. I’m not restless if mentally preoccupied. Good times.

Okay, enough of this shit. I did not sleep last night, went to bed at one thirty PM and woke at six in the afternoon to go grocery shopping stayed up all of this night and it is now seven AM… I’m beat… mentally anyway.