I Hope I See Her Again…

I got up around seven this morning. I ate forty-five minutes later. I cleaned up some and ten minutes before nine I took a shower. After me my mother and father got ready. My brother arrived around ten. We left twenty or so minutes later.
After about two hours we made it to my sister’s apartment. She got ready and we ate a simple lunch of various subway sandwiches. We left around one fifteen or so after that and made it to the church at a while after. My eldest brother and his girlfriend were already there. I saw my various cousins and we waited for the service to begin.
We eventually lined up and entered. Upon sitting I was tense. Reflecting the last time I was at a funeral, which was to my great uncle, I was very much the same. At times my eyes watered and I often had to take a deep breath to stay calm. Over all, I merely sat there not that different from a statue. When prayer and songs were done in unison I didn’t bother to even speak.
I felt a tinge of envy when one of my cousins… second? Third? Well, she was my great aunt’s granddaughter… She remembered Lillian from when she was a child and was apparently very close. I don’t remember my past much, nor do i remember my own grandmother particularly well. In the years after her passing I came to know her sister, my great aunt, though and rather came to see her as my grandmother. I know she was greatly fond of me though. That makes me happy.
Based on my experience four years ago, I did not look at the open casket upon my walk across the front. Instead I focused on my cousins, but even they caused me to tear up. I couldn’t look. I felt bad for not looking, but I didn’t want to take the chance of hyperventilating and sobbing like at Uncle Benny’s funeral.
When out the church doors I finally spoke after being silent the entire service. I asked my mom if she looked pretty. Mom told me she did.
Eventually all of us went to the cemetery. The commitment service was very short due to the hot August weather. Another prayer was said and Amazing Grace was sung again. It soon ended and we went back to the church.
My immediate family all took one table and the others took theirs. Despite what brought us together, the extended part of the family has always been rather distant with us. I only felt close to Lillian and my “aunt” Karen. I think that is how it is with all of us.
We stayed until five and gave our goodbyes. During the service and the time we were leaving my “aunt” told me how much Lillian loved me. I know, but hearing her assert that was wonderful to know.
We left the church and headed home then. My sister went back to her apartment on her own and my eldest brother with his girlfriend headed their own way. Again it was my mother, father, brother and me. We got home around seven thirty.
“Aunt” Lillian won’t be here on Thanksgiving and we won’t be eating at “Aunt” Karen’s house. A generation is gone.

A Generation is Gone…

My great aunt died just recently. My mom and I found out last night. She woke me up to tell me. Now all the people who remembered my mother as a child are gone. Now my great aunt who was like a grandmother to me is gone.


I dislike funerals as I dislike weddings. I’m going though because ti is her. Learning from Uncle Benny’s funeral, though… I don’t think I’ll approach the casket. I don’t think I could handle it.