"Happy Holidays" they say…

Well, So far the holidays have gone by without a hitch as far as I am concerned. I was the first to give acknowledgement to my brother when his birthday occurred. He came home in the middle of the night, the early morning hours. I was still up. Since it had officially been his birthday for a few hours, I said in my usual voice, “So you managed to survive another year. Congratulations.” I believe I went to bed after that. I cannot recollect.
My father and brother came down later on that day. My sister came down on Christmas evening. We had opened presents without her since we were not certain if she’d come. Budget was tight this year, but none of us really cared I think. By average each person got about three gifts.
Someone got me a Disney movie. It happened to be the wrong one, but I was amused nonetheless. In order to watch it, I will have to get the first one though. Ha.
My eldest brother did some shopping as well. Much to my surprise he got me a book. I have no clue as to what it is about if it does have a theme, but is an anthology of stories by Neil Gaiman, so I’m sure it is dandy.
I also got a new keyboard, which was the only thing I really had asked for. I have no idea how much it cost either, but it is likely more expensive than the one I had been looking at. (I’m a bargain searcher.) It is still lovely nonetheless. I was somewhat avoiding the design, looking for better luminescence, but I seem to be typing fine with it. Joy.
The clincher was my dad. I realized not long after he left from his last visit, he likely went to look for a pocket watch. I had talked to him in the car about my interest in getting one. I had my eyes on a specific one at the time. The interest was mainly for the self-wind ones. I had the fortune to stumble upon a really cheap one that I wound up and listened to. As said, it was cheap, so that was its last run, but it brought me much joy to the point that I wished to have one some day.
Well, when it occurred to me what sort of many my father is, I took hold of my mom and told her that he likely decided to go out and buy one even though I did not ask to have one for Christmas. Well, she spoke with him. Much to my resignation, he already looked, found and bought. It is not what I had been looking at, that is for certain, but it is lovely all the same.
He of course picked gold of all coverings. I certainly did not want such a coating. I am not a gold person and it goes with nothing I have. Oh well. I had seen it on the Internet actually. That amused me. What makes it great though is that as it of course does the winding, it also has a clear face; therefore, I have the joy of watching the springs go about in action.
There were two add-ons as well. My mom got gift cards for all of us. My brother and I got one to Amazon. My second brother, I have no idea. I think my mother went through and got my father one for some sort of clothing store. Anyway, that was another moment for amusement. I am usually up at night, so when my mom applied for the card, I received the notice when it entered my mail box. It said something about Amazon; therefore, I knew what it was. Heh.
I had only asked for two things this Christmas, one was the keyboard. The other was to get some videos from a specific website. Well, both cases were screwed over some. I had been looking at specific places and specific things. The keyboard I was looking at was around fifteen bucks. The videos and books I was looking at were either half the price at the site I was at or had things that were no longer in existence on Amazon. Therefore, both were screwed some. They tried. Heh.
The other card was to Hastings. The problem with that is, Hastings NEVER has anything I look for. I even checked the website. Nope. No luck. Silly parents.
Anyway, the rest of the day was sort of spent piddling in my case. I drew a bit and looked over some things. I slept during the afternoon since I had been up all night and only managed to obtain a half sense of sleep for a few hours in the morning. I woke up and my sister had arrived. She had some car trouble, so my second brother had to go get her. They left the car. We began dinner then. It was pleasant. The food was okay. My sister got to unwrap her gifts.
I was rather happy at her response to something I suggested my mother to get her. I remember her asking me to look up a certain show to see if there was a boxset for it. There was not at that time, but I knew there likely would be one by now. I noted to my mother to try that when she asked what my sister might like.
When my sister opened it, her face lit up. I think it received the best response. I know I did not get it and I know my mother was the one with the credit – my mom was leery, because she thought my sister might say it was stupid – but it made me happy that I knew what my sister wanted.
After dinner I went to sleep again. I woke up around two this morning. I might work on some drawing again.


I’m such a Fuck Up…

And I mean that in a fond sense. My mom came in this morning asking me to help her take out the trash. On my last trip back, I fell. I hit the concrete head first. It has been a long time since that little maneuver has happened. Pretty much the last time was in elementary school years. I banged up my head a lot back then… right into concrete.
My mom checked my eyes for sign of a possible concussion. I assured her it was unlikely. I never got them back then, I doubt I would have gotten one now. Besides, she said she did not hear anything when I collided, so no worries. Anyway, I admit, I still feel weird in the head, but that is to be expected.
I did consider lying down, but I had been doing that since Saturday after the whole shopping trip. Due to the crowd, the sunlight and noise, I managed to get a headache and later on it evolved into my back aching. Add onto that some chest pains later… well, by the end of the whole expedition, I was tired and felt like shit. So I lay down. I did not wake up until maybe half a day later. I managed to stay awake for at most two hours, but still felt like crap, so slept again. My back was in terrible pain. I woke up again around six or seven at night.
Despite I still felt out of it and not too great physically, I decided to force myself to stay up. I hate it when I sleep a lot just because my body is being a bitch. After the fall, however… my body has really been jarred by the fall. I might have done something to my legs. I scraped one of them despite there was no effect on my jeans, because I just rock like that.
Well, other than that, I might go get an ID today. I’ve needed one, but it has been postponed often due to my lack of driving and the place not being open on the weekends.
Blah. I think I’ll take some Advil now. Damn fall.

Getting Older? …

Well, I have been sleeping all through the day and am awake all through the night. I blame my sleeping on that experiment with the Library job. How I had been sleeping before that had been perfect. Oh well.
Anyway, I am no longer a teen. How odd. It does not really affect me though, so it is just another day in the year. I found my best B-day gift to be in the form of tweaking someone’s banner and avatar theme on the forum I go to. What made that great was that she actually used it. It made me feel happy.
Now there is the real reason for this post. It seems the SSA sent a check. Assumably that leads us to believe the whole thing pulled through and I have been approved for disability… whatever it is. I opened the envelope. There was a check. I did not know it was a check, but my mom was certain it was, so I handed it over to her to confirm. It was. She was estatic. I was rather… “Okay?” She decided to call my dad and tell him about it. I decided to retreat to my room.
I mean, I vaguely understand the whole reason for her enthusiasm. Afterall, if it works out, it will help me out in the long run and it gives some stability. Yeah. I got that… but that does not mean I am emotionally moved or anything. At most I can only think, “Okay… so… what is supposed to be done with it?”
Yeah, I am that oblivious. That leads to give proof to the likelihood of my theory to be correct. I will easily be taken advantage of when older if I do not have someone to help me understand things. How pathetic. Oh well.
Other than that earth shattering news, Saturday, my mom and I will be going to that town that is 15 to 20 minutes away from here to do some Christmas shopping. Whoo.

Even More…

We think I might have iron deficiency anemia. This was thought up when I complained of coldness as of late while everyone else was just dandy. Other known symptoms was fatigue, shortness of breath and poor concentration. My mother had thought up earlier this month on having a check up to see if I had athsma… now we will look up on anemia. Jeez.
My dad came down yesterday, but I was bedridden so I slept from twelve AM until four PM. The next time I fell asleep ended up being around seven this morning and I woke up again around nine. Fun, fun.
My parents will be attending some sort of party tonight that is associated with my mom’s work. Tomorrow my dad will be going back to his appartment. Monday I will be seeing Cindy. A week from now my mom intends to go to a town about fifteen minutes or so away from here to do some Christmas shopping and I will likely join her.
Okay. I guess I got all that is needed to be noted. Joy.

*Let Me Rest in Pieces…

Well, today was the first day I finally felt like myself again. Thus I will now say with certainty that the cold I had is gone. Hopefully, I will not get sick again anytime soon if not later on in the distant future.
As of late I have really been into “drawing” again. In other words, computer works. Those are not my detailed penning… I have not done one of those since last New Year’s Day. Anyway, I have been doing art though. What spurred it was an anime I have been interested in as of late. In fact I even read the manga up to the latest chapter out. Now I am quietly following when a new episode or chapter is out.
I have been doing art in a style I did sparingly in my past. The main reason for the sparingly was due to the difficulty of it and the memory required to use. The pictures are usually the size of 2000 to 5000 pixels in height. When I work on them, it is later do I shrink them to about the size of 900 pixels. It has been fun though.
To add onto that, and this is a part I often do not care to do often, I have been trying to do the art in the original style. Yeah, I have been doing “fan art”. Every once in a while such a phase hits me. Well, this is one of them.
Other than that… nothing else has really “been going on”. I’ve had thoughts. The last time I saw Kyle, I talked to him about… lacking human abilities or pretty much alienation of understanding things that most do not even need to understand. Schizoid is what my mother and one of the doctor ladies have said. I’ll agree with that one.
Then there was today. Something I listened to stirred up memories. Usually my memories of “darker” times would deal with girls who had been in my life. This time it was of two guys. One was of a guy from the UK. I had thought of him before in my high school years once and oddly saw him on the computer not too long after.
I met him in middle school. We had something of an Internet relationship. He was older than me and very kind. We would stay up for hours into the night talking. I learned a lot about him and he learned much about me. I remembered how he spoke of having dreams regarding me. I remember two main symbols he told me about. One was a six. The other was a dragonfly.
Some point in my eighth grade year though, I broke it off. I did not know at the time but I was bipolar. I was very moody and suicidal. I cut and there were many other problems. I was a moralistic bastard then and still am now. He was one of the people who told me that I sounded like I was a self-sacrificing person. Well, I am not to sure about that, but okay. Anyway, I had a feeling I’d drown him with all of my issues and it was not fair for him to have to deal with my selfishness or something.
Perhaps it was intuition.
It was not too long later did things go really haywire. I started taking medication and was in high school. I started seeing head doctors. Then there was that actual suicide attempt. I never thought Kyle would have found that email so soon in truth. I thought he would have encountered it the next day. Even now I do not know how I feel about that. I’m not at all resentful that he called and told my parents. I just sometimes wonder…
Anyway, the point is, it was good that the guy did not have to go through that with me. After the breakup, he had gotten emotional and I stood by him until he seemed fine again. He met another person and I encouraged him to hook up with her since he seemed to like her. After he did get together with her I felt frustration with myself and some sadness for a while. I had a good long cry even. Perhaps I even felt some jealousy. In fact, now that I think about it, I know I did. I saw him interact with her one point a while later. I thought I saw a completely different side to him. It was not long after he admitted to me that it really was not him… it was more of a façade. It was one of those double-edged swords I guess. It relieved me that what I had seen in him had not been a lie, but it was distressing that he was in a relationship where he was restricting himself.
In the end though, things worked out I believe. Last I saw him, he was doing fine. Good luck to him, where ever and whatever he is doing now. He had been a very important person in my life…
You know the odd thing, though? I believe he was the one that started the whole “Shimmer”. Yeah… it was during that time I had found the song. I remembered it vaguely in my youth, but had found the song and the title of it while with him. Heh.
The other guy I thought of is a no-brainer, likely. I thought of Kyle and the last time I saw him in the flesh. Now that was utterly bittersweet.
I still remember tidbits of that day. I remember how I had thought of asking his mother if she would mind driving me home while he and his boyfriend were upstairs likely making out still. I remember adoring his Pomeranian and paying attention to his cats when I hide away from the two. I remember going into his closet and stumbling upon a shirt of his I liked. I had taken off my favorite gray tank top and put it on.
Heh… I also remember how the boyfriend made a snide comment about me undressing in font of them. I remember thinking dryly how I did not think they would have noticed since they were busy groping each other and since I was pretty sure that most of the wall in between was blocking view anyway. Besides, why would they care? I was a girl.
I remember feeling sad, like one of those smiles that really looks like crying. I remember feeling no longer being a part of Kyle’s life that day. I remember sobbing when I had returned home.
There are many other things of that day I remember, but I guess they need not be written. However, after thinking about it, I had also thought of the glass flower. A faint smile had graced my lips. The flower had a story too. Kyle had two of them. One was blue. The other was green. He gave me the blue. He gave the boyfriend the green. I remembered feeling a light pain to the chest when I found out the green had been given away. I had told Kyle why. Then Kyle told me his reason of the passing of the two flowers.
I guess music can be a powerful thing. That is what had reminded me. It was a song from my middle school years I believe. It was a pop song, as those were the fad of the time. I had stumbled upon it on YouTube while browsing for something and it resulted in being a fan-made music video for something. The song had been used and that began the memories.
I have a new song now though. It marks… another relationship. “Rest In Pieces”. As of late, I wonder if close relationships are really necessary for me. Of all of my close relationships, none were seriously romantic or anything. Maybe some would think they were… but looking at them, it was and is just how I am.
I am a person of extremes. I always have been. A few people are well aware of that. I doubt any of them were of romantic love though. I do not know if I’d ever allow myself to have such a thing. I think the love I give is of loyalty.
All of those I have trusted and loved… have all been given all I could give as a friend. I always made the promise to be always there when needed if it was in my power. Sometimes, that came close to killing me… even to the literal sense.
A moralistic, chivalrous, faithful, stubborn bastard.
Even more, I show it in the oddest way. I do not think I preach about morality, but then again I care little for talking to others. Chivalry is not shown exactly; despite I will open doors and let others go first. Faithfulness (loyalty) has always been a downfall for me. Stubborn is easily shown though (it also has been what fueled the loyalty) and bastard is something I’ve always referred to myself since bitch just is not fitting.
I never understood how these standards ever came to being. I could say I guess they had always been there. I’ve been this way ever since I can remember. I know I was loyal anyway back to my early elementary years.
With my friends though…
I never had any ill intent. I never said anything intentionally cruel to them even if they hurt me. I always tried to be civil. Why? I don’t know really, it was just how I was. If they were extremely close to me, I always made the quiet promise that I would always be there if sought out. If able to protect them, I would. If they needed to rant, then I’d sit patiently and listen.
Heh… I remember having two homework assignments I had to get done. A friend called and was crying. There was a dispute with her sister. I dropped all of my homework and dropped by. The fighting went on, but it was less intense with me there. I just… had to fix the problem if possible. She had been crying.
Somewhere in this I said something like, I should probably be better off without relationships that are close. I suppose the reason would be… that all of mine have ended like a fading flower and what I have left are the dried up petals to look at and use to recall.
Kyle is the one who is still around, but it is by a thread. It is very nice though… I appreciate it more than one might understand. I doubt we have as much of an understanding like we once did – sometimes I wonder if we ever really did understand each other like I think we did – but the thing is… he stays in my life and I do not think he has ever abused me. Perhaps that one time could be considered such… but it does not haunt me like others have from various past friends.
Heh… this entry has really turned into a reflection. I never meant for it to. It was to be short. It was to just have the note of getting over my cold, my interest in drawing and that I had two wistful memories. Oh well.
I guess I will get off now.

“Would you find it in your heart
To make this go away
And let me rest in pieces…”

Posted in AIR

Huh… ‘Still Sickish…

Yeah, I have been sick for a whole week. Nothing is terrible now, but I am still recovering. Bah. Breathing is still a difficulty and my muscles are still trying to return to normal. I still have some congestion and my eyes still burn. I feel a heck of a lot better though. Ha!
Last night was the obvious sign that I am still not too well. I had slept for some hours before my mom came home from work. It was Friday so of course we had to go grocery shopping. I was not keen on that, but went anyway. I was nauseated, had a headache and a few other things I cannot remember at the moment. Anyway, I am the cart pusher. What did not help was that there was two boxes full of bottled water, a jug of water, four jugs of orange juice for my mom, two cartons of milk and two cases of sodas. Than add on the liquid laundry detergent and the other groceries that consited of food items. Simply put, I was running into things since my muscles were still weak and achy as well as my head was swirling.
In the end I was wheezing, clammy, tired, my head still hurt, my throat hurt and I was concerned that I’d fall over. I was also a bastard towards my mom by being snappish. I appologized as we left and I appologized for it again this morning. She of course understood.
Anyway, when we got home, I helped unloading and half helped on unpacking, but soon retreated to my room and hit the bed. I was out like a lamp.
Anyway, I woke up an hour ago and I will say I am feeling better, but then again I am not moving around a lot. I did do some chores, menial, but some. I stopped after I vaccuumed though. It winded me and did not help out my eyes, which are still burning. So, now I am here.
I saw Kyle the other night and we talked a bit. It was nice. It seems his lack of being on is due to playing World of Wars. Heh. That stuff really pulls you in though. I was in a chat room for three nights now. One was a dud and left me deoressed. The second was a one-on-one and turned out very nice. Last night was with three people, but mainly stayed as one-on-one. I was only up for a couple hours though and left due to dizziness.
Sigh… in fact I am feeling a bit dizzy right now… I might lay down again soon. Bah. I am so out of it.