Ah, Aging…

Well, my dad’s surgery went without a hitch on Monday. He ended up staying home and thus I congratulated him. I congratulate him whenever he doesn’t do anything, stressful person that he is… Everyone minus my second brother remembered to check in on him and wish him luck it seems since my mom is only angry with him. He has skipped Sunday dinner as well.
Well, Tuesday was pretty much normal for me. Dad meanwhile slept with some sort of metal patch over his eye, the same he wore all day yesterday. He’ll have to do that for a week. My dad came home for lunch and my second brother had driven him. Just with one eye fixed, he is utterly surprised by all the things he missed visually. He realized how dirty his computer screen was for the first time even.
It really settled after my mom and I came back from getting a bunch of distilled water and a few food items this afternoon. When we got back home my dad told us how he never realized just how blind he was. He cleans the bathroom every weekend. Going in there he realized it wasn’t as clean as he thought it was. So, while mom and I were doing errands, he was cleaning the bathroom again.
I’m afraid now. I never thought my cleaning capabilities were amazing. I am leery of him coming to conclude I suck at it. You see, when he cleaned the bathroom each weekend, I thought it was fine. I thought he did better than me. Now, I doubt he’ll criticize me for not being amazing… but… There will be the uncertainty. Oi.
My stomach/chest has had a setback also. I overslept yesterday and thus skipped a meal and all possible snacking. So, now the inflammation or whatever has perked up some again. I still feel it today. I slept most of the day yesterday, hence skipping lunch. Today, I slept a lot during the day time as well, but fortunately woke around noon to eat. It has been one whole week.
I doubted I’d be able to keep up such a structure. I was right. I can do the diet, sure. It is keeping the times consistent that is the issue. My sleeping changes always. Thus, now there are difficulties in keeping the steady “keep every meal spaced evenly and snack on things in between” part difficult. Sigh.
The only things I really miss on this diet are drinks that have flavor. I have up normal soda for my teeth. I then stopped even drinking diet soda. I drank tea instead. Well now I can’t even have tea! All of it is replaced with milk. Heck, I still have a full pack of tea in here with me but cannot have any. I’d put it elsewhere, but I don’t know where to stick it. It mocks me… I doubt I’ll even be able to go back to it once the second week of this is done. Sigh. If anything though, I feel I’ll do fine in the area of forbidding myself. I don’t think food has ever been a huge temptation for me.
Well, I just figured I’d write these two topics. For this month I see them as small milestones or something. Anyway, I’ll be going to get a haircut on Friday. My mom and I picked up some “supplies” for me to bring. Since I will still have to deal with this diet and usually cannot eat lunch until around three on our haircut expeditions. I’ll be bringing a lot of cheese sticks, water crackers and some peanut butter along. Another thing is that next Monday my father will have surgery on his other eye. We aren’t so worried this time based on the results of this passed Monday. ‘Still though… luck to him for that day.

Blander than Bland…

I’ve been in better health. We now think I might somehow have gotten heartburn if not that an ulcer. I think it was actually Sunday morning, around two did I have a terrible acid attack. I woke up, my chest hurt, it hurt since Saturday morning, but that was a dull ache. I’m used to dull aches and tightness in my chest.
Well, this wasn’t one of those. This was painful. It spread across my lower left ribcage down to my left hip. Then there was also my back. My muscles were sore and all that jazz. Well, I obviously didn’t sleep the rest of the night.
I was mainly in bed Sunday due to the lack of sleep the night before. My sister arrived around Sunday evening. My dad cooked pizza that night and I might have gone to bed pretty early again. I think I had another chest pain around two or three. I might have eaten oatmeal. After that I went back to sleep around four or five in the morning I think.
Monday my mom, sister and I went out to eat lunch, do errands and such. We ate at a small cafe, all of us having sandwiches. We left, stopped by the grocery store to pick up some sort of tofu my sister liked and some crackers for me. Blueberries, eggs, bacon and buttermilk were on the list too since my sister wanted to have breakfast food for dinner.
After that we stopped by a crafts store my mom likes. It is full of books on quilting and fabrics. We were there for a long time; I guess an hour or so. Sadly, I suck at telling how much time has passed. Well, with my sister and me tired-like, we left. My mom made a lot of purchases and we still had two more places to go.
We stopped at CVS, my mom searched for an anti-acid thing for me. We are sticking me on a diet for those who suffer from ulcers. I was thirsty, so I grabbed a milkshake that tasted like melted vanilla ice cream and she got a bottle of tea. With a few more purchases, we paid and left.
Our last stop was at another crafts store. By then I was tired. I walked around a lot; I suppose it was to stay alert or to keep from toppling over. Well, my mom did some more shopping, for things less than before, and we left once she paid.
When we arrived home I put away the things that needed to be stuck in the fridge immediately and then collapsed onto my bed. My dad woke me up an hour later for dinner. Blueberry pancakes were made as well as eggs and bacon.
Now, I dislike most fruits. I really don’t like fruits cooked. Well, the blueberries didn’t sit well. So, I ate some bites like that and then just went to picking out the blueberries. I did enjoy the two pieces of bacon though. I had water and tea as usual. I might have gone to sleep again.
I woke maybe around nine and stayed up. My chest started to act up again around one though. So, I ate some corn and snacked on the crackers I got. It eased down and I eventually went to sleep.
I was woken around six the next day. I was going to try out the antacid pill. So, I cooked my oatmeal, took the antacid, took my regular medication and ate. My mom had me look up diets for those batting ulcers. I found a site and wrote it all down. I then went back to bed an hour later.
I didn’t wake up again until late. I snacked on two crackers and did my chores. I was leery on what I could and could not eat since I need things to be really specific. I settled on plain pasta and hoped it was okay. My dad came home while I was in the middle of these things. Eventually my chores were done and I began to eat.
I admitted to my dad I didn’t know if I was going to vacuum because right then my chest was bothering me greatly. I guess it was due to not eating for six hours due to sleeping. He said it was okay. I was relieved in truth.
Well, my sister was to leave soon and after she left dad had an appointment with an eye doctor. That soon happened. Sister left and then I wished my dad good luck on his appointment. When all was settled and I cleaned up what little was left out, I went back to sleep.
Yeah, I’ve been lacking on the energy department as of late. Come dinner time, my dad woke me up. He cooked me a baked potato. I found out his diagnoses at the eye doctor. He has cataracts in both eyes. He shouldn’t even be driving. Well, no duh. I already knew he shouldn’t have been driving. I ate a baked potato with very little butter. I was very weak in the legs. After that I don’t recall much. Perhaps I piddled around? Well, my mom soon wished to watch TV, so she got her dinner ready and I grabbed some crackers and my usual bottle of water.
We watched three shows. Around the middle of it I began snacking and had a mozzarella cheese stick. My mom said she was sorry to put me through such if in the end it turned out not to be such. I shrugged. This diet isn’t much different from my usual one. It is just blander and I rely on dairy products more.
Before all this I ate oatmeal, an oat and honey cereal, lactose free milk, water, canned tea, Ramen noodles, corn, a small microwave pizza and vegetable soup. Friday and Sunday night varied since we would eat out on Friday night and my dad would cook a family dinner on Sunday.
So far, I’ve cut off half of what I usually eat. I’m left with oatmeal, cereal, milk and water. Because of this, I’ll need to go to the grocery store.
Fruits are out due to their acidity. Vegetables are out because they have to either be cooked fresh, canned or frozen. A potato seems to be okay though. Find a way to cook celery and carrots in a way that I’ eat them… maybe – sadly I prefer those two raw.
I dislike most meats anyway, so there is no loss there. I might have to eat some though just for variety and flavor. Lean, crisp bacon is okay. Turkey should be okay. I suppose I am safe there.
I’m fine with grains. I eat oatmeal already, like cereals that aren’t bran and I suppose I’ need some whole wheat bagels or English muffins. Dairy… I guess mozzarella cheese.
Who knows… if I have to eat like this for a week, perhaps I’ll be converted from normal breads to whole grains. I guess that would be a plus health wise. Eating regular pasta is fine, I just hate how long it takes to cook… still it is the better alternative to Ramen. I just dislike the fact that I can’t have any pasta sauce.
I don’t care greatly for dairy products, but I likely need to calcium. Boy, I’ll miss my corn in the week though. So, what I lack here food wise is just the quicker preparation of noodles, corn, additional flavors and tomato sauces. I can live with that.
I just wish I could drink something that isn’t just water and milk. Water is great, I drink it almost al the time. Every once in a while though… I want something with flavor… hence why I got canned tea. Nope… I can’t have tea, juices, sodas or anything caffeinated. Dang it! I miss my tea!
Oh, well…
Well, this is the first week. I have half a month to do this. I just hope I don’t wind up being low on something to the point it causes one of my evil cravings… like salt.

Weird Sister…

Mom started to come down with something around Tuesday and wound up with a cold by the night. She was unable to sleep all night and almost all day until around the afternoon. She remained home on Thursday as well.
Friday she went to work. We went out to eat that night and she seemed to be feeling better. My sister called. She somehow wound up catching her hair on fire. It happened at a bar. Nothing serious happened; her hair just got singed a little. Still, my sister is certainly an interesting duck.
Saturday my sister called late morning. She had a package delivered to her by a “creepy guy”. She called my parents to ask if they sent her flowers for Valentine’s Day. They responded no. My sister freaked out since she wasn’t dating anyone and all that jazz.
Well, my dad and I went grocery shopping and came back. My mom informed us my sister didn’t even know if she got flowers actually. She had no idea what she got. A “creepy” guy simply arrived and told her he had a delivery for her. I found hearing such groan worthy. She called my mom and wondered if it was a subpoena. I told my mom in was interesting how she was somehow my relation.
Well my mom talked her down or something and my sister finally took a rational approach. A while later she calls back. A person she was talking with, online I guess, sent her flowers. They were friends. They might have met at some point. Anyway, in the end it was just a friend/pen pal gift. My sister is a nut.
Well, I felt tired, miserable and junk so I went to bed around one or so. I didn’t get up again until four thirty. The rest of the day was spent adding more to that webpage, reading and such. It is now late and I feel less than wonderful again. Evil.
Oh yeah, my sister will show up some point tomorrow.

Almost a Real Boy…

I talked to my mom this morning about my dad and his “depression” and his selfishness. The night before we spoke of such and led me to ponder over something, but I never got to bring it up. As noted in my previous entry, I thought of the time back after my suicide attempt. Interestingly that also brought in thoughts of my attempt to tell my mom my reasons back then. Well, it came up all over again.
I wanted to know where my selfishness laid back then. I explained to her the facets of my thoughts of others and then my view of my own life back then. I recollected my views on death and how people reacted to it. I remembered how I saw my life at the time and how I saw my future.
In simple terms I didn’t want to burden my parents, I didn’t think I’d get better, they dealt with my screwed up older siblings already and I figured one less “problem” would benefit them.
As for death, I didn’t fear it. I didn’t fear the unknown. What happens will happen. When I looked at my life, I was like a wound up music box. When I saw my future, I saw little difference. Logically the equation was that my life equaled the same as if I were dead.
I looked at my parents and thought of how death and mourning worked. People mourn deeply the first months, maybe years at worst. Life continues on and thus they continue to live and “move o”. I felt certain the same would occur for my parents.
I wanted to know where my selfishness was in that, since I lacked the ability to rationally pin point it. Hearing the entire aspect of it, my mom responded it was selfish, but unknowingly. Opposite to my father, I took the scenario like a scientist, with logic. My father mainly is emotional. Because of this, I lacked the true insight of how death affects other. I had heard that a parent’s worst nightmare is living beyond their children. I never knew the extent of the impact for parents’ who mourned was so intense. Thus, it was never computed and without the complete data the equation was flawed.
Thus, the factor in hand was also my lacking experience. I was around fifteen that year and unlike some unfortunate people, I never truly dealt with a situation to give me insight to how death can truly affect others, especially the parent and child aspect.
Therefore, in the end, I sincerely thought I wasn’t being selfish but it was due to inexperience and my lacking in true emotional insight.
Thus I asked my mom if I was still a good person in the long run. It seems I was and I found that relieved me. Noticing that, a new thought was inspired. I realized I did have a goal in life. I noted such to my mom.
I explained how I always viewed goals and aspirations. In the end it was the same way I had viewed what the feeling of happiness was. I saw it in its simple, exaggerated form. With happiness I thought one had to be energetic, excited, laughing and such. In turn, with goals, dreams and aspirations I thought it was something that was similar to a burning passion, energy and the like.
It was today I realized my view was limited on what a certain emotion was yet again. I did have a goal in life. I had this goal perhaps almost all my life. My goal is to be a good person.
I realized that is what it was. In the past I mistook my self-interest as self-centered and would fret over being selfish and self-involved. In the end it was my way of gathering data to make sure I could understand an emotion, the situation and how to avoid doing anything that would be bad unintentionally due to lack of understanding.
I always have done such. I’d ask my friend, Kyle, about negative situations that occurred to grasp what I did wrong. When my mother and I became close, I’d ask her the same sort of things. All this time… all of those things I did… were actually driven by my wish to be a good person and not because I couldn’t stop thinking about myself in a selfish sort of way. I was amazed.
In the end, it was concluded overall all my actions are of good intentions, but I will likely always require a second view, my mom, to enlighten me on the emotional aspects. Simply put, I was relieved.
I noted to her that I felt like an AI. It was like those science fiction stories where an artificial intelligent machine somehow develops true feelings or tries to understand them to live as a human. I was the machine and my mom helps me understand humans more and I input the data from my learning experiences to be able to function accordingly and be a good person.
I smirked and said it seemed I evolved from a wind up clock to an AI. Perhaps one day I’d become a real human.

Thinking back…

Ah… It has been a week or so since my mania died down. I’m still in recovery from all the energy I spent. Nothing much has really happened since my last entry or the entry before that. My mom’s birthday came and went. I gave her two DVDs of movies she liked. She was surprised I managed to find one of them. It was good to know she liked them. Her birthday fell on a Friday so we had her pick a place to eat. We ate at an Italian restaurant. My brother was there and he gave her a card. i never saw it, but she obviously was touched by the contents.
The weekend then came, Sunday my eldest brother dropped by and ate dinner with us to celebrate my mom’s passing birthday. He and I saw the last of the Terminator and he filled me in on the entire story and the sequel Judgment Day. It rather interested me.
On Monday I was completely out of it… I suppose on auto pilot. It concerned my dad because I was very quiet that day. Talking was not a strong suit and I really didn’t want to. Yeah, I could think, but it was rather foggy.The reason my dad noticed was due to his being around most of the afternoon. He got his car back finally. It looked as good as before. Ironically, after driving around to do errands, he later want to pick my mom up from work and the battery died when they tried to leave.
I don’t remember Tuesday much. My mom lost a crown/cap yesterday, though, and had to go to the dentist. I hope I never end up needing such a thing. It seems quite troublesome.
Speaking of dentists, I’ll see one around the twenty third next month. Oh, joy. I never really have had an issue with dentists, I just hate the waiting. Sure you can talk with the assistants and the dentist when your mouth isn’t being dug into, but it is still boring.
A thing I noted last night might as well be written too for the heck of it since it is still on my mind. It was after my mom and I watched some shows per usual. She was in the bathroom, so I was watching something that came on who knows when. It was the end of the show.
The scene was of a daughter being questioned in the interrogation room. The father is on the other side of the mirrored glass. He breaks and claims he did whatever they were accusing her of. Later he was interrogated by a man who didn’t believe he did it. In the end, the father was found not to be the criminal and he went on about how he couldn’t let his daughter go to prison and such.
Now, some might wonder how this led me to think of the time I came back from the hospital after a suicide attempt, but it did. I think it was due to the father crying over his daughter. In any case, I thought of that time.
I don’t remember it clearly anymore. I do know I was in my room, my dad was with me. He sat on my bed as I sat on my chair. He broke down crying. I don’t recall what he said, but it was obviously about why I would do such a thing, if I understood how much he loved me and such.
Thinking back to that… I don’t know if I’ll ever understand how much a person can love another. Perhaps no one does. I mean, considering I feel strongly for my parents, get worried over them, get annoyed with my siblings if they trouble them, et cetera… but I don’t know if that means I understand.
I don’t feel like I do. I know my dad loves me greatly, I affect him greatly and he wants me to be happy and never sad. I cannot comprehend the capacity though and cannot even do a comparison by looking at my own feelings. I just remember that when he cried that day, I told myself that as long as he and my mother were alive, I would never do such a thing again if I ever wound up driven to such a concept. I never wanted to my father cry like that over my actions.
I knew I could not bring such a memory up to my mother. I did such once, but it was a different reason. It was to tell her I realized that when I did it… I didn’t see any selfishness in the act. I thought I was doing the right thing. I thought it would make my parents’ lives better.
My mom listened, but she didn’t like talking about such a dark time. Logically I understand. When such things occur though, I want to talk to those involved about it though. I suppose it is for clarification and all that. I wanted her to understand I was thinking of her and dad that night. That I made sure that when I left they wouldn’t have the thoughts that others do of, “I never got to say goodbye” or “I can’t remember when I last kissed or hugged her”.
Ah… I remember something. I wrote something of a will and sent it to my friend so he could pass it on to my parents… in note a part said, “Dad can have his office back.” He gave me his office so I’d have a room and not have to sleep on the living room couch anymore.
That had broken my dad’s heart hearing such. It didn’t occur to me at the time that it would. I felt like a burden to them. I sincerely thought it would make things easier on them not to have to deal with the fourth child who ultimately wound up being gloriously fucked up and didn’t seem to be getting any better.
They love me greatly though. Knowing that still puts me at loss. I’m aware they do and in all logic my caring for them greatly must be love. I still don’t understand really. At least, I don’t think I do.
My mom would likely tell me it is the Aspergers or something. Based on previous talks, she thinks it has something to do with that. The previous talks were due to wondering if I was a bad person for not understanding such things. I wondered if it was bad that I wasn’t able to feel the sort of love most seem to feel. Mom seems to understand and accept it though. I find that comforting. To try to talk to my dad about such a thing would only hurt him. I know he wouldn’t understand and many complications would arise.
Looking at my awkwardness when it comes to emotions reminds me of the times I used to feel like I wasn’t human. I guess that since I mostly interact with the cats in the house and my parents such a thing isn’t so noticeable for me and thus the feeling of alienation doesn’t arise.
Still… I guess it exists in me even now. I just don’t notice it as much.