Fuel: Just Some Drabble…

Huh… It is just tonight I found out about Brett Scallions. Shame. Reading up on the reasons on leaving Fuel, I do see the two sides. I remember when “Natural Selection” came out; I thought his voice did not have the same quality as it had in earlier albums. Looking at other things, it also shows he was trying to add in his own writing farther on down the rode. As some have said, it was likely true in both views of him and Bell.

I’ve only heard clips of the new album that has a new singer known as Toryn Green. After listening to them over and over… I think I could still listen to Fuel despite the sound is slightly different. One might go, how is the sound different? The music hasn’t changed, just the lead singer. Well, I usually hear the voice as an instrument as well. Green of course has a different voice. At times he actually has moments where he sounds a bit like Scallions, but the instrument is still different.

My other case is that Scallions’s voice was changing. Certain notes seemed to be strained into mere yelling rather than having some musical quality laced in. I thought that when I heard NS, as noted. I still liked the CD though because of the beats and the like… so… in the end, Scallions’s voice likely would have not sounded the same as it used to by this year’s album. Still, I’ll miss his voice. Green’s is okay, but… I think it could be slightly more… “raw” sounding. It lacks a certain “power” too, I think. Then again, that might have been what started changing Scallions’ voice… Green’s got range, it is smooth… but… something gives a slightly… flat feeling.

I’ll probably buy the latest CD and get a good listening in. It will determine if I will still be listening come next album though.

Well Aren’t I Just Self-Righteous…?

I might be using the wrong word though. Perhaps moralistic? Oh well. How does this come about? My siblings. Nothing new. Boy, I am doing fragmented sentences!

In any case, it is mainly my eldest brother that has me in a rant right now. What did he do this time? Eh, he’s senseless and oblivious as ever. The difference now though is my dad.

As noted in my last entry, my e-brother’s birthday is coming up. As noted in other rants, he is twenty-six now. While it is just recently he has gotten in the job field that does not make up five percent of what he needs to correct in his life.

He still does not always pay his rent, he relies on my parents to bail him out financially, he ruined the house he lives in for less than renting an apartment, he’s made my sister’s life unbearable due to that, he ruined the kitchen’s garbage disposal, wasted about six or more years’ worth of money for college and then drops out when he only needed to finish one semester’s worth of work, and only my parents and god knows what else…

Now he is just a week away from being twenty-seven and while my dad has had to put off his retirement for over a year because of my siblings’ damn car payments, he nudges that he wants an iPod for his damn birthday. What the fuck? Does he have no gratitude whatsoever? Damn!

The annoying thing is, my father, after hearing that, calls my mom and says he knows of an iPod that is around $170 or something. He says they can get it if they split the cost between them. Dad! No! He does not deserve one. He is twenty-seven and is still asking for some damn birthday gifts from his parents?! Parents who are senior citizens? What the bloody fuck!

Happily my mom has sense in the matter. She does not want to pitch in and give my elder brother the damn materialistic, unnecessary iPod. Sadly, if she does not pitch in half, my father will get mad/upset and make it into a huge matter. He really needs to work on that.

My father, as my mom notes, is the typical child of an alcoholic. He tries so damn hard to make everyone happy in order to be happy himself. I say it kills him. He is so stressed all the time.

Still, if anything, I am annoyed with my siblings. I know it is likely brought on by the fact my father is so giving… but they have no sense to be freakishly grateful for our parents. Sure, Mom and Dad have screwed up here and there, but all parents do. Despite that, we are all damn lucky for ours.

Nevertheless, the eldest still acts like a dependant child. He has no life skills. He can’t handle money; take care of a house and all that jazz. He’ll likely need someone to take care of him for the rest of his life. My mom often wonders what she did wrong in raising him… I don’t think it is all in how he was raised. Other than my mental cases and school, I think I turned out peachy. Despite all my parents have done for him, he only asks for more.

My other brother is better. I don’t know how much he appreciates Mom and Dad, but he works. He no longer steals money or is deep into drugs like he once was. Despite that, he does poorly in handling money most of the time as well. Until he gets that straightened, I’d say that is his only fault. He’s helpful, works hard, and is still here to help on rent for my father’s sake despite he wishes to leave. That and my brother likely cannot get on his feet until he saves up a decent amount of money…

As for my sister… well… She’s worked hard in college and finished. When she intends, she usually does. I’ll give her that. Despite that, she usually expects the world to owe her a living. I think she, and my brothers, owe my parents a living. She bitches to my parents about how they don’t support her and wasted all their money on my brothers.

They support her, half heartedly, but they have never told her she could not do something. She used to complain about my mother not supporting her in gymnastics because she did not go to every singe meet she participated in. God! All her damn meets were out of town and my mom worked as a teacher! No consideration.

As for money… Well, they cannot help that my brother stole tons of money from them. All of us tried to keep a look out. We just couldn’t catch him in the act. As for my eldest… well, that was a mistake on my parents. Despite that, it had been hopeful. They hoped he’d get his act together. Therefore, every time he was willing to try college again, they helped. My mom still looks back and regrets not cutting that deal off after his first flunk.

The righteous thing is, “Well, take a look at yourself. You certainly can’t be a saint.” I think, yeah, I know for sure I am not. How? Perfection does not exist in reality. However, I’ve asked my parents for my faults and at least with my mother, I know I’ll get a straight answer.

My fault? The suicide attempt. The thing is that is in a considerably different par than the things I’ve listed for my siblings. That and I learned from my mistake. I learned that for some reason I actually did matter to people, at least I do to my parents. So, for their sakes, I promised silently to never do such a thing again.

Other than that, nothing comes to their minds. I never ask for things and when I do I usually feel bad for it because of their financial issues. To much fortune, I can support myself, so they do not have to pay for me in anything, but at times do when one of them takes all of us out to eat for dinner. Then again, I think that is more of a “My treat.” I guess it is not a “have to” then.

Sigh… I’m thinking on talking with my dad this weekend. I doubt it will change his mind on getting my brother that stupid iPod, but, I think it needs to be said.

Nutcase or not…?

During the weekend my dad said something along the lines that if I am mentally ill I have a ton of people fooled. I often wonder that too. I seem just fine… but then I remembered that is because I am in a “safe environment”. Change it and in a month you’ll get a bi-polar suicidal cutter who hides under tables when unable to escape and likely is not that pleasant to be around.

I also know that he often is not there during my less than favorable times. My mom was. I guess that is why she understands… that, and the fact that my dad is in denial when it comes to anything that might be bad about me, I believe.

My mom just tells it to me as it is. She knows I’d like to know the facts. She says I have a good outlook on it. Okay? Whatever. What is my outlook? I’m a medicated nutcase is just as simple as saying my eyes are brown. I am what I am. It seems it is a good thing to think that way. Heh.

Oh, yeah, I learned from the insight of my mother that the kid who told me I was likely going to be the next American psycho in my seventh grade math class had justification in saying that. How so? I asked her, based on when she saw me in my times of… needing medication and “safe environments”, if I was really that bad. She told me she could see why he said that. I of course responded with, “Well, crap.”

I guess it is all perspectives.

Let’s see now… notes.

Dad liked the present it seems.
Due to Labor Day he will be able to come down this weekend as well.
Once August is over, he’ll only have a month until he can stay down here for good.
My eldest brother’s birthday is September seventh.

My Mom is my “Preacher”…?

I thought that today, August 27. I have been reading a Chicken Soup book off and on as of late. It was my sister’s. I think that is what helped this revelation out of my head. The last story I read before typing this was about a man who learned from a friend to simply listen. Through that he learned how to approach people – really approach people. The moral of the story, I cannot say, since my mind is not completely reliable, but…

Anyway, I thought of how many people I speak to. It is not many. Even after that inspirational story, I still did not care to talk to people. Despite that, I thought about how I’d likely ask a person telling a story to write it down for me since when it comes to remembering things… I wish for it to remain as clear as the day it occurred.

From that came the remembrance of my mother. She often relates stories to me. She related one from a girl who does her nails. It was about getting out of Vietnam, I believe. It was not the simple board a plane and go off to America. No the woman recollected from a time when she was but a child. It was the case of escaping by cramming a million people in a small boat, sailing for who knows how long without food or water and then worrying about making it to land and being able to actually stay there. They ended up in Malaysia I think. Stayed there, limited living and years of trying to get shipped off to America where they had family residing. There is much more to it, but this is about my mom being my preacher.

So, it has been established that if anyone, I talk to my mother the most or at least most of my communication deals with her. Over time I’ve talked to her about insecurities, uncertainties, lack of understandings and then just plain experiences, thoughts and often just “rubbish”. I realized I look to her like a guide. I look to her for reassurance.

Most people would say, “Is that not what a parent is supposed to be to their kids?” That is not always the case though. I think what makes my mom different is the fact that she makes me think and notice things. Perhaps it is due to her being my connection to the world.

The things she tells me tend to open my eyes once in a while sort of like how a preacher will use stories that occur recently in life to open up churchgoers’ eyes as he gives his sermon. Usually the things she tells are ones that opened up her eyes and she shares the lesson, I suppose.

What really made the thought come alive, however, was simply recollecting that trip from two weeks ago. I often feel uncertain about my lack of sympathy and empathy. Intellectually I know what I should be feeling. I have my morals, so when I am in a situation where I find myself not reacting the way I expect I should uneasiness creeps in. “What is wrong with me?” I would often think. I believe I often questioned if I was a bad person.

That trip, while we were eating, I told her I know I am grateful for things. The thing was, I never really feel it. It is more like a mathematical equation or science conclusion. I have seen, read, heard and understood things that occur outside my small world. I stop and think of how lucky I am. The thing is… I don’t feel the emotion. It is just a mental note, an observation. My mother reminded me about my Asperger’s though. She understood.

That of course sparked the thought. At the same time, it reminded me how she is the devoted Christian of the house. She goes once a week, says her prayers each morning and the like. The rest of us are not so religious. When I see things on the net where people declare atheism or Christianity… I thought, “I lack religion. Despite that, I’m not really an atheist.” Looking at the thought though… I get the feeling that my mom connects me to religion.

She knows I’m not religious, but she also knows I have a sense of spirituality and belief. I know I’ve done my searching. I did all of that in middle school. In the end, I saw all religions the same. At least, they all have the same point of worth. While most people today would say that gods don’t exist and that it is just a fabricated tale to make people feel better… I think religion has some truth to it.

I don’t have a god to follow, but I believe something is out there. I think there is something more powerful than just this existence of ours. I just cannot see it in form of anything that should be conceivable to a human. Thus, I just say, “There is something out there.”

In turn, I do think religion is a form of self-comfort. Despite that, it is also a way to invoke a sense of understanding and when done right, a sense of humbleness. Sadly, most people use it for self-righteousness and in the end all beliefs using a god or gods will end with everyone going to hell according to this or that side.

Therefore… look at the core. All of them think there is something there. For my mom it is God in Christianity. I’ll give a nod to that.

Posted in AIR

Drops of Jupiter…

Soul searching… I think I have no need for soul searching. I sort of stopped a long time ago, but it is just recently did I realize I knew who I was. It was not something I dwelt on. I just suddenly thought, “I know myself.”

This thought just popped in my head during that trip my mom and I went on Saturday (August 18) afternoon. I told my mother that revelation. She asked me who I was then. The problem was I could not really explain it. All I could say was “I’m me.” It reminded me when I told Shred the phrase “Kyle is Kyle.” I think that is when I really began to have a sense of self.

Anyway, what does that mean then? It means there is actual uniqueness in the world. In the end, to outward views, you can be everything, thus nothing. How is that? Opinions cancel each other out. To one person I might be boring. To another I am interesting. Those cancel out. In the end, you can be everything and thus nothing. This leads to why I think I found myself quicker than most people.

I recall my mother telling me her sense of self had depended on her profession. Not those exact words, but that was what I got from it. Before we had moved to the town I lived in before moving here, she had a name for herself.

We had lived in Alaska. She was a teacher there, well known and admired. She had friends there, a life. When we moved, she went into a slump and was depressed for a year. She had to wait for when a job opportunity would show up. She knew no one. She lost her sense of identity.

When she first told me that story I looked at her and said that I did not understand why people placed so much of their identity on their professions. She asked me what I thought defined a person. I told her the decisions I make and the company I keep. I don’t remember her response to that.

Well, the case of that trip down memory lane is… people can spend their whole lives looking for themselves out in the world. That makes little sense to me. You are within yourself. You are not in another person nor are you on the other side of the world where people seem to be from a different planet.

A person’s identity is simply him or herself. Some people think they find themselves by meeting other people and seeing new places. It expands one’s self, but it does not make a person find him or herself, I think. Doing those things simply absorb other people. It absorbs experiences. It absorbs some wisdom is used correctly… but it still does not mean the person fund true identity. It merely shows the person who he or she identifies with.

Take away everything – the people, the places, the experiences. Take away the aliases and the different personas. Then simply look inside. All there is is you and all those things you took away merely helped shape or express you… but none of those things are really your self. They are just facets. Put together they help define you… but they are not your soul.

What your self is… is a soul that embellishes itself in experiences that are brought together. Some are shared or similar to others… but how you underwent them and the combination of other experiences that are similar to a different person’s is what makes a person unique. A life that is actually like a structure of DNA… you can have many experiences similar to others… but none of them will be the exact same.

I am me… and I did not need to look for myself out in the world, because I am simply within myself.

Posted in AIR

Out of It…

Since my last entry, I’ve been working on the gallery part of one of my sites. Due to that, I’ve been coloring or restoring old color jobs I’ve done on pictures. This will be a doozy. Such things take me up to a day to complete, sometimes longer.

Saturday my mother and I went to a small town that is known for its many shops. We ate at a German restaurant that we like there. The hot German potato salad is heaven, damn it! I have a sort of mental euphoria the first half of eating the dish. If you like cats, you’ll understand this analogy. It is similar to the feeling the front of your head feels when you snuggle a cat the right way. It feels good and a bit dreamy.

After eating we stopped by two shops. One was to simply look through. The products were too highly priced compared to things we have seen of similarity. The second shop was to get a tray. My mother got one there before, but it broke. They managed to have the same tray still there to her luck. She got a few other things as well. We headed home after that.

I had not gotten any sleep the night before, and likely had lacked sleep for about a day. We did a stop by the mall area here. I don’t really consider it a mall, but okay. We stopped at Office Max since my mother needed something and then Hallmark. We finally went home after that. About an hour later I finally slept.

From then on, I slept most of the weekend away. Sunday I had felt a bit under the weather and food was not a lovely concept to me. My mom wondered if it was due to seeing her. That was something I never wanted her to think, but she explained it was my sensitivity to physical stimuli. She said that since I don’t see her much during the week maybe the day before dealt into it. Perhaps. There was also the lack of sleep.

I usually get that way during weekends though. Not every weekend, but it happens.

Monday and onwards is a blur. I slept most of those days. It was pretty much sleep, eat a bowl of cereal, clean and sleep again. Yeah, my hunger has been… sort of… bleh. During all of this, my mother did talk about my siblings and their job statuses.

My sister is doing an internship that should last three months of no pay, unlike all the others that required six. During this, she will hopefully have a bartending job. She also seems to be looking at an apartment with some girls. Good luck to her.

My second brother, the one who lives here, is really getting burned by his job. His job is the analogy to my middle school years. Knowing that, I feel very sorry for him. He told my mother on Tuesday afternoon about how he was going to try to get his boss to let him work days rather than nights. If that is not possible, he intends to give a two weeks notice. In turn he also hopes his second job will hire him full time if such happens.

My father blew a gasket when my mother told him. I think he is where I got my extremist, “the world is going to end by this small thing” nature. It is the whole thing about rent money. If my brother no longer has the job to pay the rent, Dad says he’ll have to withdraw his retirement papers and plans, et cetera… Looking at my brother though, and thinking on how my dad takes to me…

It seems pretty damn unfair. I know how crappy I felt back when I had such work, sleep, and stress issues. If my father knew of a way to stop such issues then, I’m sure he would have jumped at the solution… if he had known that is. My brother’s issues are known though. He works hard. He’s a better person now. Despite that you intend to force him to continue? Is that not a sort of torture?

Why such seriousness? I think his stress is what has helped rear the ugly head of his sudden sickness. Yeah, he is sick right now. He admitted that on Monday he had trouble focusing on the cars and the road because he was so tired. He woke up yesterday and started the day with hurling. He was tired and that afternoon was when he had the talk with my mom. Come Wednesday, he remained home and slept. I was out of it, so I did not realize he was actually sick until my mom popped up and told me she was taking him to the ER to get checked out. They found no solution despite all the test ran. In any case, my brother has been dizzy, headachy, and has had cold and hot spells from what I can recall.

Um… there is my eldest brother then… I am foggiest when it comes to him… I think he got a new job. Maybe he simply applied? Oh well. It has to do with telephones and answering questions people have about the product the company has sold. When his girlfriend is settled, he’ll move to be with her. If things work, which my mom seemed to give implication that it is another one of those terribly optimistic, no planning things, he will hopefully be able to be relocated in Chicago once that happens.

Today has been uneventful. My brother did not get up from bed until around one this afternoon. I did my chores and updated one of my sites a bit. That is about it.

My dad should be coming down this weekend. Saturday is his B-day. Anything else? Nothing comes to mind.

Memories and Perspectives…

For the past couple of days I have been listening to a CD that gives memory to my summer in 2003. By four yesterday afternoon, I decided to pick up my copy of Good Omens. I could not really remember it anymore other than a cool character called Crowley and the coming of Armageddon. I first read the book during that summer and listening to that CD.

While some people try to recapture times, I cannot say I was doing that. I thought it was the best of time to reread the book though. Why? Because I remembered so little of it… so little that even when I reread it tonight, most of it was almost new to me.

Well, that was good, right? Able to recapture the magic of following a story you already knew you loved, right?

No. Not really.

I learned a long time ago that a person can reenact old memories, but they will never be the same. A memory is just that. It is a memory. Perhaps it is not that time heals all wounds or that it makes people forget. It is all in perspectives.

People can remember. They just need small nudges. I know that is my case anyway. People who suffer trauma do not necessarily forget when they say they don’t remember…. Usually that is repressed memories… a coping/protection mechanism. Even those with amnesia or Alzheimer’s… I think there is great likelihood that the person has never lost or forgot a memory… The codes to accessing them have just been jumbled and thus requires new routes not yet discovered.

Again… it is all perspectives. Everyone part of a single event will remember it differently due to how their unique senses react. Memories are mainly recalled through feelings in my case. Due to that, importance all lies in what my emotions consider important, I believe.

When younger, when angrier, pained, and lacking in medication… I could have told you every bad occurrence that had befallen me, remembered the face of the person who helped cause it, what happened, where and my exact feelings that day…

If asked now… I would not be able to say. It is all generalized now. I don’t feel the pain, anger, hatred or whatever… maybe if someone pulled a trigger, I would recall in clarity… but… Much of it is a blur. The anger has been watered down and since the emotion is not as potent, the memory is not either.

That is a good thing though. Memories are like aged wine. It can be all the sweeter or bitter. I’m pretty sure my bad memories were all fueled into being much worse than they truly are – at least to my standards of today. The same goes with the good. I have had my few precious memories… but I know to try to recapture them will not occur. I have a different mind.

The summer of 2003… It was spent at the Gulf. I had not been there since I was in around… maybe second or third grade. My memory of that childhood year was almost what one would call “magical”. It is the best memory I have ever had and likely always will be because it is so old and so treasured.

Seven or so years had passed. I was no longer that little kid anymore. The place was still lovely, yes… but… it did not hold my interest. I was not the spirited swimmer like I was as a child – a fish in water as some called me. I was not one for heat or the bright sunlight anymore. Fireworks no longer inspired me. I did not care for the sea anymore – mainly due to OCD.

Instead that year, it was mere relaxing. I listened to my CDs. I drew a few pictures. I wrote journal entries. I sat and enjoyed the sea air and tropical breezes. I took walks along the beach when the moon was out. I read books. Good Omens was one of them. I remembered enjoying it immensely.

Tonight… it was just another book. Enjoyable, yes… but… it stirred little out of me. Sure, I did not remember any of it to be able to truly predict anything… but… it just did not give the same feeling it did the first time I read it. I figure… it is all perspectives again. I know once upon a time it was exactly what I needed. It was my exact sort of humor… but… while at times I laughed… it was far sparser, and I was in no hurry due to anticipation. I guess that is why I rarely reread any of my books unless I know the feeling will last or be once more inspired the second time.

No expectations. Just take things as they come…

Posted in AIR

“Am I a reflection of something – an illusion?” …

It seems the topic of change is still on hand. I spoke with my mother when grocery shopping on Saturday.

I’ve noticed how when I look back to my elementary school days that there were moments I had no control due to my emotions/mania. I mean… NO control. This was noted when we were grocery shopping earlier and kept passing this loud woman who seemed to be on a mania high.

I told my mother something… either that I hoped I never was as bad as her or asking if I had been. I recalled my times of mania and told Mom about how during them I knew better. I knew what I was doing, but I could not stop myself. Looking back on those times, it embarrasses me in some cases, but I also remember that I really had no control.

I was melodramatic, made huge deals over little things, was loud and could not contain myself even when a teacher would give me a look back then when I would become manic. Whenever I was not, I remember just being quiet, kept to myself or just followed along with the three girls mentioned in the previous entry.

I later talked about the girls mentioned in my last entry to my mother while doing some errands later on in the day… I realized then that… Well… I am just now beginning to be myself now.

After taking a good hard look on my past… My elementary school days… If I had no control over myself back then… I never truly was myself at that time, was I? I also remembered how Shred once said I was interesting to him when we first got to know each other because my moods were unpredictable. I met him in middle school and that was when my mania started to have depression counter it.

So, elementary school was mainly mania and calm. Middle school was mania, calm and irritability/depression. Eventually it was calm and irritability/depression.

Thinking of that saddened me too. “I never knew what sort of mood you’d be in the next time I’d see you.” I never knew then either. Was it really me at that time either then? Did that mean not even Shred really knew me? Sure, he knows my thoughts, my mannerisms and the like… but… everything presented in physical life… was it all an illusion as well?

I no longer worry much about mania. The only way I show it is in my few obsessive periods. All that happens there is intense focus on some sort of project or activity that starts with a bang and soon wears away. The analogy would be a sugar rush. Some people can eat a lot of sugar and get a huge sugar rush, but it does not last long.

Other traits are just talking too much. I’ll talk fast, likely go in circles. Those usually happen when I am loopy or excited by a discovery though. I can usually tell that I’m talking a mile a minute and note such while discussing to someone. It is solved usually by laying down.

Depression… this entry would likely have depressed me when younger. I likely would have felt very paranoid as well about true friendship/relationships and questioned my identity and all that crap. I don’t seem to get depressed all that much anymore… if ever. The only thing that starts up that is when I undergo stress for too long.

When I am undergoing too much stress at once rather than progressively though, is when I am irritable. I still have bouts f irritability. They don’t occur that often either. They pop up less than the faint signs of mania even. I’ll curse and such, last time I fisted the desk I was in front of and growled a ton… but that was a while ago. I was able to calm myself down half the time when focused enough.

For the most part, though… I am calm. I love it. I admit I am not emotional like I used to be. I don’t think a mile a minute anymore. I’m likely quite dull… but after so many years of intensity… the calm is welcomed greatly.

I drew a picture due to all of this. I suppose one could call it a self portrait. It is not a realistic one; for once I drew myself as I usually draw anything else. This time it was in pen. It is my body from the waist up. I colored my hair, skin and eyes blue. It looks like I am shedding of petals. The layer closest to my skin is a dark, possibly navy, blue. I had in mind for it to be black, but such a wish was not a possibility. So it is half black and half blue, I suppose. The second layer is white, but is shaded in light blues.

Shred would likely understand the choice of coloring to some extent. It also… somewhat puts a song I like into a new perspective. “Bright to black and blue.”

The first layer had been white. White… innocence, childhood… and mania that I mistook to be my moments of feeling happy.

By middle school that layer began to shed.

The second layer was black, or in this case a blackish blue. Paranoid, adolescence… and an uncontrollable depression that had lingering rage or irritability.

In the center is my new layer of skin that is still attached to me. It is blue. Calm, adulthood… and I have never been so content in my entire life.

It makes me wonder… if I finally started to be able to be myself after I left my old town. It was then when all the stressors in my life suddenly stopped. No school, no people outside the home… just stayed in the house and did chores. I began to be medicated correctly at the time as well. I stopped clinging to old friendships that died when I entered middle school. I no longer dealt with my sister… et cetera.

I remember when I was in my black mode I missed my childhood in elementary school. I look at that time now though… I feel no nostalgia like those girls likely do. The girl who is now a masseuse misses the manic counterpart of mine. I cannot say I do. In truth, I feel a bit detached from my past… because I don’t even related deeply with my childhood self anymore.

Was that really happiness I felt then? Were those girls really my friends or were they friends to the imbalance of chemicals in my head? Heh… Writing that suddenly reminded me of the word I often used when in middle school. “Doll”.

I guess that is it then. My youth was a shell. I left my cocoon? No… Something tells me it was never a cocoon. I never transformed. I simply woke up. I guess the egg came before the chicken. It took me twenty years to break the damn shell.

Posted in AIR


Mom’s ankle seems to be getting better despite it still looks oddly swollen. Yes, “oddly”. I’m not getting into it.

This week is sort of an off week. I have not been on the computer much. Instead I have been reading books that I purchased not too long ago and received recently. I also had some movies as well. Other than a movie and the waiting period for a tape I ordered, all has been successfully viewed or read.

Yesterday I updated the pages on my site that can actually be updated. The entire story on my “Touch” page is finally up. I guess I’ll be working on putting up the Gallery section now. That will be a doozy. Why? Embarrassing first drafts. Oh well. It is mine.

RIA still has a ways to go… about 45 more Microsoft Word pages. It is amusing to read my previous “essays” and rants. As the page says, I am a dumb ass.

Then there is my blog… this lovely blog. I updated it to the latest version last night. I had no idea I’d lose the entire theme I had. Well, I was not in the mood to redo the damn thing, and settled for a theme already available. It suits me for the most part. I edited it some, but it is overall the same.

Oh, yeah…

Recently my brother was contacted by a childhood friend of mine who I had last truly seen in sixth grade. It was a while ago did I learn her profession… a masseuse. I never predicted what she would ever be as an adult, but I never thought of her giving people massages as her profession.

I looked her up on MySpace since that is how my brother encountered her. It was not much help, but hey, it might just be the fact that I am not going to join the damn site just to look up about a person. Yeah, I’m not so interested in talking, just seeing that the person is doing fine in life or not.

I decided to look up on two other girls of my youth. One is apparently pregnant and will possibly have a Sagittarius baby by the looks of it – if not that, a Capricorn. She’s in college and seems relatively happy. She seems more mature than the last time I saw her. That relieves me.

Her sister is another story. She seems to be quite the same as the last time I saw her. Pretty much, a person I’d avoid. Mean, perhaps… but I just cannot relate to her at all anymore. Her entire page was full of cursing. She talked about liking to party, drink and all that crap.

Yeah, some people would think I’m a goody-two-shoes… Maybe I am… but damn… that stuff never interested me. I find it a turn off. She just seems to be unsatisfied with her life. Then again, this is all speculation based on how she is presenting herself on a mere page. What do I know?

One thing I really think of though is when my brother told me the first girl mentioned said she missed me. The moment hearing that I felt somewhat touched. Later did I sigh. Yes… she missed me. She missed a “me” from childhood. I had asked my bother if I had changed much. He said she had. I know those other girls had. So, had I? He said not really. I am just more mature… so I guess all that has really happened to me is that I have gotten some wisdom in time?

I remember seeing the others as having changed. I never did quite see myself as one who changed. They said I had. I suppose in all the things that mattered to them, I had. I was no longer the manic, smiley person they knew in elementary school.

Despite that, I never joined into cliques, changed myself to fit in, et cetera. I did not start acting like I was an idiot and let my grades fall. I did not try to act badass, cuss every other word in my sentences and feel the need to get drunk, party and have sex early.

When they drifted off, I had no one to hang out with. I did not join a clique because I had nothing in common with them… I was not interested in the media, rappers and all that crap. I did not need some woman strutting around in barely any clothes and belting out whatever manufactured tune she had at the time as a role model.

I was lucky to meet Shred during that time.

Anyway, the point in hand is… they missed me… but it is a memory of me that they miss. They don’t miss the person I am now. They miss the kid from elementary school who played with them, compared homework answers with them, talked on the phone with them, visited them at their houses, and actually related to them.

They don’t miss this jaded, dry loner. They don’t miss this person who dislikes going out, interacting much and talking on phones. They don’t miss the “me” of today. I was just as serious as a kid as I am now, but I was more passionate around them instead of cynical. I also had my bouts of goofiness because of mania. Was I a happy person? I do not really know… it all could have been an imbalance of my brain. I was a loner then as well… I am just more of one now. I guess the thing that changed about me is that my traits magnified as I developed.

I miss them too. However… I know that I miss the three girls of my elementary school days. I miss the sisters who were sweet, tried hard in school, did not talk smut, and did not become another cookie cutter person who followed the crowd. The girl mentioned before them, I have no idea who she is now. I did not see her evolve really. She was the first to break away from our elementary school group. I never had to see her change.

Anyway, that is all I really have to say on that. Today is Friday and my dad should be coming down today. My mom said he should be here around two or so. I hope his trip is decent. He should be able to retire for good by the first of October.

His birthday is coming up on the 25th. I have an idea for a gift, but do not have all the kinks smoothed yet. I hope it works out.

Nothing else comes to mind.

Posted in AIR

Virginia Tech Massacre…

Despite I keep quite a distance from the world, I still tend to be informed from time to time through my mother. Now, while this occurrence came to be on April 16, 2007… I did have my thoughts about it. I decided not to write them though. I believe it was paranoia and all that jazz. Well, to the world, it is no longer thought of except those who were truly affected.

Well, while my thoughts are no longer fresh on the topic and my memory is fuzzy on all the fine points, I remember this: I could relate to the nut job. When I looked up the information on him… what I saw… it reminded me of my middle school years actually. The main difference between him and me other than gender and the age all the internal bullshit began to surface… is that I went farther inward while he went outward.

I remember watching some clip on the news… things the guy wrote and said were spoken of and an analyst said everything was incoherent and pretty much made absolutely no sense… in other words they were just ramblings of a mad man. When I saw that, I could not help but snort, shake my head and see the analyst to be an utter dumb ass. Why? I understood exactly what the shooter was talking about.

What was all of it about? The nut was doing the “wipe out all and no more pain will be left because there will be no one else to cause it” thing. Maybe it was the wealthy who were his main tormentors, but in my view… it was merely people he came to believe thought themselves better than he.

Spectators began talking about the ability to hold fire arms and such. Whether a person can access a gun or not had little to do with this. People automatically thought the kid was just insane or the like. Well, I don’t think whether a person has access to weaponry or not has anything to do with the issue. That is just a quick solution. It only skims the surface and not the core problem.

When I learned about his childhood, school life and heard and read his words… all I thought was… “I understand that”. I read somewhere he was made fun of a lot in class. It made me reminisce as well. He merely stopped talking. I merely had thoughts about getting rid of my “issues” in more drastic measures.

I did not stop taking like he did. I went to speech therapy and while I learned to speak properly, I certainly lost self esteem. There were other issues I had… ones that caused me to wish to have my legs amputated just because of how cruel my peers could be.

It was said that the shooter was speculated to be mentally ill and thought to be mute. I never talked until I was three or four and I was quiet. I’m mentally ill. Heh. He was considered cold, quiet and well-behaved otherwise. Me? I was a loner, quiet, and well-behaved.

He seemed fine in elementary school. I was the same. It was middle school and high school that are the changing points, as many will tell you. Many will say that middle school is the lowest part of hell and that high school is the level just about it. I would say that is damn well true in my experience.

It seems the nut was picked on for his shyness and “unusual speech patterns”. Things like people offering him money just to hear him talk, others telling him to “go back to China” since he couldn’t speak American well, the teachers not being sympathetic… they all made me think of my time in school.

There was talk about his peers recalling rumors about a “hit list”. While he may or may not have had one at the time… it reminded me of rumors and jokes said about me of similar topics. There were rumors that I could beat up the football team, I would be the next American Psycho, and I even remember a rumor about a hit list regarding me as well. All of those were false of course… even the predilection.

It also got my attention when there was talk about him possibly being autistic and about hospitals… again I could not help but look at myself. Could that have been the fine line between us? I really don’t know… and truthfully, I lean towards the side of “No”. I’m looking at the time before I was diagnosed correctly and was medicated with medication that was not going to make my mental illness worse… I’m thinking of the time… when I was just like the shooter in terms of mental waves and emotional turmoil.

Ah right… I remember reading about one of his professors removing him from her class. She saw he had issues, had a “mean streak” and all that junk. Then when the shootings had occurred she said it did not surprise her and she automatically knew it had to be him. See that, you dumb-fuck? Woman, you just prove my point. People see they just don’t care.

Well, okay, that is not my point. But really, they tried to blame it on fire arms. Yeah, right. The problem deals in the schools, the scenarios, the life and the effect others have on people.

Do they have any idea how painful school life can be? From middle school to high school you are awkward, lost, angry, driven by hormones, depressed, paranoid and all that shit because of your very peers.

Teachers don’t notice and if they do they usually do nothing. If they try to do something they cannot control it. I had teachers once in a blue moon who tried to help me against my peers, but they never could fix the issue. The kids kept at it and I endured the crap.

“We were just having fun”, “I did not think you’d take it so personally”, “I was picked on and I did not end up hurting/killing other people or commit suicide”… Yeah, well that is you, dumb ass. Some people have mental problems; some people internalize things; some people have a shitty life where no one will listen no matter how much they scream; some people cannot even find their voice and are locked within themselves; some people live in hell and their peers just add on to the flames! Ever think of that?

Of course not.

I remember the video… A quote? I’ll Google…


“Do you know what it feels to be spit on your face and to have trash shoved down your throat? Do you know what it feels like to dig your own grave? Do you know what it feels like to have your throat slashed from ear to ear? Do you know what it feels like to be torched alive? Do you know what it feels like to be humiliated and be impaled upon on a cross? And left to bleed to death for your amusement? You have never felt a single ounce of pain your whole life. Did you want to inject as much misery in our lives as you can just because you can?…I didn’t have to do this. I could have left. I could have fled. But no, I will no longer run. It’s not for me. For my children, for my brothers and sisters that you [fucked], I did it for them… When the time came, I did it. I had to…You had a hundred billion chances and ways to have avoided today, but you decided to spill my blood. You forced me into a corner and gave me only one option. The decision was yours. Now you have blood on your hands that will never wash off.”

Now that, I believe is what started my interest in reading up on him a bit. Why? It reminded me of my writings back in my youth. Reading back on mine, I laugh a bit on how my mind set was… but reading his, reminds me just how much hopelessness, aloneness, betrayal, pain and anger there had been.

All of those, I believe were metaphors of what people can do to others’ emotions, mind, and soul. It reminds me of things I wrote… at the moment a poem is most glaring. It was titled “Rape away my Joy”. The soul can be broken. The mind can be shattered. The spirit can be chained.

What set us apart? He went external. I went internal. He took out his rage on others. I took out my pain on myself.

Choices of weapons. Seeing how he had interest in guns, reminded me how back when my mind was not so different than his… I had a thing for blades. His guns went external… he killed others. My blades went internal… I cut myself and thought of suicide.

In the end, he massacred people and then killed himself when his line snapped.

In the end, I drank all the medication I had and put my parents through hell when my line snapped.

He died.

I lived.

I still think I understand what he was saying though. It made sense, only it was only a sense in his mind-set that few would ever understand or at least admit to understanding.

“I’ll kill my peers and the ones who did not help me in my time of need. I’ll hurt those who have hurt me. I’ll kill those who will come to be for there will be others who will end up having a life like me due to those who have lives like those who were my tormentors. If such is done, there will be no more victims.”

Do I believe in that? No. As long as there are human beings… such will always occur. Even if people try to keep such things from occurring in schools, work places or such, there will always be that one person who is looked over. There will be that silent kid who is missed. The problem is no one stops to look. No one stops to think. The problem is the one who is missed does not know what to do. The kid is alone and distrusts.

Hello, World.

Posted in AIR