For the past couple of days I have been listening to a CD that gives memory to my summer in 2003. By four yesterday afternoon, I decided to pick up my copy of Good Omens. I could not really remember it anymore other than a cool character called
While some people try to recapture times, I cannot say I was doing that. I thought it was the best of time to reread the book though. Why? Because I remembered so little of it… so little that even when I reread it tonight, most of it was almost new to me.
Well, that was good, right? Able to recapture the magic of following a story you already knew you loved, right?
No. Not really.
I learned a long time ago that a person can reenact old memories, but they will never be the same. A memory is just that. It is a memory. Perhaps it is not that time heals all wounds or that it makes people forget. It is all in perspectives.
People can remember. They just need small nudges. I know that is my case anyway. People who suffer trauma do not necessarily forget when they say they don’t remember…. Usually that is repressed memories… a coping/protection mechanism. Even those with amnesia or Alzheimer’s… I think there is great likelihood that the person has never lost or forgot a memory… The codes to accessing them have just been jumbled and thus requires new routes not yet discovered.
Again… it is all perspectives. Everyone part of a single event will remember it differently due to how their unique senses react. Memories are mainly recalled through feelings in my case. Due to that, importance all lies in what my emotions consider important, I believe.
When younger, when angrier, pained, and lacking in medication… I could have told you every bad occurrence that had befallen me, remembered the face of the person who helped cause it, what happened, where and my exact feelings that day…
If asked now… I would not be able to say. It is all generalized now. I don’t feel the pain, anger, hatred or whatever… maybe if someone pulled a trigger, I would recall in clarity… but… Much of it is a blur. The anger has been watered down and since the emotion is not as potent, the memory is not either.
That is a good thing though. Memories are like aged wine. It can be all the sweeter or bitter. I’m pretty sure my bad memories were all fueled into being much worse than they truly are – at least to my standards of today. The same goes with the good. I have had my few precious memories… but I know to try to recapture them will not occur. I have a different mind.
The summer of 2003… It was spent at the Gulf. I had not been there since I was in around… maybe second or third grade. My memory of that childhood year was almost what one would call “magicalâ€. It is the best memory I have ever had and likely always will be because it is so old and so treasured.
Seven or so years had passed. I was no longer that little kid anymore. The place was still lovely, yes… but… it did not hold my interest. I was not the spirited swimmer like I was as a child – a fish in water as some called me. I was not one for heat or the bright sunlight anymore. Fireworks no longer inspired me. I did not care for the sea anymore – mainly due to OCD.
Instead that year, it was mere relaxing. I listened to my CDs. I drew a few pictures. I wrote journal entries. I sat and enjoyed the sea air and tropical breezes. I took walks along the beach when the moon was out. I read books. Good Omens was one of them. I remembered enjoying it immensely.
Tonight… it was just another book. Enjoyable, yes… but… it stirred little out of me. Sure, I did not remember any of it to be able to truly predict anything… but… it just did not give the same feeling it did the first time I read it. I figure… it is all perspectives again. I know once upon a time it was exactly what I needed. It was my exact sort of humor… but… while at times I laughed… it was far sparser, and I was in no hurry due to anticipation. I guess that is why I rarely reread any of my books unless I know the feeling will last or be once more inspired the second time.
No expectations. Just take things as they come…