The hoping is that, if I try writing my thoughts out, something that I realized earlier today will come back to me. The eureka syndrome, I recollect, was brought about by my entry before the last one. Just in this past month, I’ve vaguely noticed things. Not dwelling, but making a faint note of old things I did in my past that are rearing their ugly heads.
Um… Things like the thought of cutting on Tuesday, thoughts about life and death (which had not happened for a long time), and then the final notice… I noticed I was venting in my journal. Not the simple vents, but the kind I did back when younger. The kind that I often cursed in and struggled to keep calm.
I saw an old thing surface in it. I was griping. I was showing agitation over doing things and not adding up to things I did to satisfy others. That threw me for a loop today. The thought came when I was vacuuming of all things, too.
I mean… Damn.
Also, just a while ago, talking with Kyle, I noticed an old line of thought I used to have come out. He was talking about his college days and how it never ends. I thought of that all the time in school and knew that college would be the same, and had the feeling life after college would have the same effect on me later on.
I see things at a limited view, I suppose. Bitch about school, get out. Bitch about college, get out. Bitch about work, get out. Then there is the question of if you’ll bitch about death when you are dead… Heh. I’m odd.
I guess I did remember. Yay for writing.
Anyway, this stuff makes me remember back when my mom and perhaps others constantly asked me what I wanted. I questioned that for a while. A thought was, “Have them leave me alone.” Then I wondered to what extent and what I particularly meant by alone. I thought, afterall, I’m the one doing this stuff willingly. If that is so, do I want such things I’m doing subconsciously? I thought, “Not really.”
As usual, I don’t care for the stuff, I’m just doing the rational thing. If that is the case, why am I doing it if I don’t care about it to begin with? I considered. It is not that I care about doing the necessary thing. It is that I care about doing what my family wants. Then does that mean my ultimate want is to please my family? I guess so.
Why do I get angry/frustrated/whatever? I figured… it is probably because I feel I cannot do anything right or they just cannot make up their minds on what they want from me. Likely, it could be both. I guess I know what I want then. I want them to leave me alone in terms of not constantly looking for…
Well, they say they want me to be happy. They want me to have a passion for once. I guess they want me to “enjoy” life. What I wonder is, what if what I was doing before was enjoying life? Afterall, I was not thinking about if my life mattered at and all decided it ultimately did not before all of this. I never had a thought of cutting before this. I did not get frustrated by not being able to conform.
I admit, I lacked in being passionate and I never said “I feel happy today.” Still, I was not leery of telling my mother things. I did not suddenly want to avoid things and stay in my room. I did not constantly feel pushed for time. Basically, I was at peace… and ultimately, I find peacefulness to be enjoyable. It makes me content, and though I am not saying happy, I think that is happiness for me. Sure, I’m not all energetic and passionate, but does that ultimately have to mean happiness and living?
Oh well. I’m sorry I am such a fuck-up.