Letters to my Mom while Sister was home:
Yeah… Fuck you too Hilary. Fuck you, too.
And today had been surprisingly nice until Hilary told me I didn’t know anything… why I even try…
You think I knew jack shit about what she was talking about? I thought I understood well enough. -__-
I apologize to you about the cursing slip at dinner tonight. Admittedly, I had wondered about going at all after the first “run in” with Hilary while in the cat room. I’ve been tired, the day and a half of missing medications and the fact that Hilary and I have never truly made sense near one another…
Yes. I’m sorry for the tense moment there… I’m not sorry for thinking that about her though.
Again, while Hilary says I don’t know, I don’t understand, etc… Well, at the same time she doesn’t know, she doesn’t understand. The difference is, she won’t even consider or bother to try to if she ever did consider.
Yes, I use the term “rich”. As I’ve tried to explain before though, my “rich” is different from her “rich”. I know you know that. She just never listens. Sigh. Even when I use the word “we” I really refer to you and Dad. I’m fine with how I am really. Spend so much on groceries, so much on mortgage, do chores, have the internet… Money left over in case you or Dad need some help and when you don’t, spend a little on something “collectible”.
When I speak of “rich” though… I mainly say it out of wishes for you and Dad. The we only comes into play due to the fact I live in this house with you and if there is a we, then if I somehow miraculously got enough money, I’d make all your financial troubles disappear. Because it is nice to dream. It is nice to think of of it. I wasn’t complaining and I only used “poor” because it was used by others.
Admittedly, I know I am fortunate not to know what being absolutely wretchedly poor is like. Hilary was right about that one, but I know what it is like to count pennies, scrounge for coupons and buy the cheapest items and food possible. I know what it is like suddenly having near nothing in my bank account by the end of the month because some annoying crisis has occurred. I know what it is like to only have the clothes on my back and a couch as my bed.
I know what it is like to see my parents struggle with money because their kids are idiots and most of the time don’t even show gratitude. I know what it is like to have to bail out my siblings because Dad has done something “honorable” for them financially. I know what it is like seeing my parents break down because their idiot son stole a great deal of their precious mementos to pawn. Hilary, you weren’t here during that shit!
I hate to say it… but I am starting to think I don’t really love her and only tell myself I do. I think I try to. I think I might say “I love her, but…” when it is really only being said to convince myself I do.
I had many bad thoughts at dinner this evening. Bad karma indeed.
In order to survive the rest of this “holiday”… I might just stay in my room until she is gone. ‘Cause… like many other things I have come to terms with this year… I think I really just can’t be around her much. She has never been good for me and likely never will… How can I keep telling myself I love her because she’s my sister… when I want her gone? When I want her to just… Sigh.
I send one thing and now… Hilary and San Antonio. I see she still resents me like mad.
I give up on her. I just…. give up.