I made a blunder in the night. I have a somewhat self-deprecating sense of humor. It translated rather poorly tonight and now based on the data, I believe I have hurt a dear friend with my words. I concluded it is likely an insulted, affronted sort of hurt. Sigh…
Before this, occurred there were many questions and ponders running about my mind. What started all of these thoughts was a single one. It has been many years since my suicide attempt during my high school years. To this very day though, I still cannot say I see much point in my life and thus feel rather comfortable (or is it resigned?) at the thought of dying.
This isn’t the same as feeling suicidal, mind you. I just… do not really see the point in my life. Yes, yes… there is point when it comes to others. There are those who are fond of me and I apparently enrich their lives as they do mine. If I were to learn I was to die today, however… I don’t think it would bother me terribly.
Said friend I made the fumble towards had been in a great depression not too long ago. During that time, he had felt something akin to that. At least, that is what his words had come to translate to me. It was indeed his depression that brought those thoughts and feelings. I wonder if I should take this to be a hint that I am still depressed? Yet, recalling my depressions of the past… these thoughts on the matter don’t bring on such a feeling.
Admittedly, tonight I have been a tad bit melancholy, but I always have such moments. I figure it is my body’s chemistry. Though I do take drugs for my bipolar, the medication has never been able to prevent all moments of depression or mania. It does keep them quite subdued in comparison to the time I was improperly medicated though.
Anyway, in the case I have also recalled those who say “fuck my life” or simply “I hate my life”. I do not ever recall ever thinking or saying either of those. I have found life to be a rather troublesome endeavor and wondering the point of mine, but I do not believe I have ever expressed great hatred towards my life (being on this earth/existence/whatever) itself.
Some might say my suicide attempt in the past rather cries out my saying those phrases… but back then I recall not adverse feelings towards my life then either. If anything I thought my existence was pointless, the future was a black hole and that in all sincerity… my parents would be better off without me. Though my best friend would miss me and those who cared for me would mourn my passing, I felt certain they would move on as all people do upon the passing of a loved one. Life just had no meaning to me… so I believed whether I was on this earth or not would not matter.
Truthfully, I still see no personal “true meaning”. I do know my life has meaning to others now, however. I have witnessed that I mean a great deal to my parents these past years. My mother and I have even developed a rather “symbiotic” relationship. We even each other out wonderfully.
I enjoy my time with them and our pets. I am content with my lot in life for th most part and recognize I am quite blessed. I rather think it a mercy I was adopted into the family I am a part of now because it allowed me to have the parents I have. I am grateful I am able to live securely under their protection and away from the real world.
Still, other than for the sake of others… I must admit, I have no idea why I am here otherwise. Once my parents are gone and if my friendship with the aforementioned friend should end… Yes… I would see absolutely no point to my existence.
I occasionally wonder if I should talk to my mother about this, but I rather fear she will take it the wrong way and believe I am suicidal. She feared that earlier this year after the big fight I had with my sister. I didn’t feel suicidal at that time either, but that didn’t stop her fears and beliefs.
Another thing I wish to write down… in regards to a likely god… particularly God of Christianity… it is said He has a plan for us and to have faith in Him and His intentions for us. Often times trials will be set before us. I often wonder this passing year… if my trial is finding my place in this world. I seem to have been born with many limitations. Are those my trials to overcome in His great plan for me? If so, I’ll accept the challenge. It is a rather interesting challenge when you think of the challenges others have been said to face.
Nevertheless… yes… why am I still here on this earth? Why is God keeping me here? What is my point of existence and why was I given such a challenge due to being born so ill equipped in making connections?
Hopefully I’ll find out some day… and if not, at least I’ll be dead and no longer have to deal with it. Hopefully death will indeed lead to lack of all connections to this physical plain and I will return to start of it all… I’ll become energy and become a part of everything and nothing all at once. There will be no consciousness, but there will be existence. There will be a belonging.