The other day I read the concept of “personal hell”. I considered what mine would be. Logically, one would think I would automatically say my bi-polar before it was diagnosed. That was a very dark time and often led to very desperate acts. My first thought wasn’t that, however.
The thing I did think, though… it was as typical as it was sad. I automatically thought of my sister. It shouldn’t be surprising, though. To this day my anxiety suddenly shoots up when I truly think of her. By truly, I mean “aware of her presence”. While I can think of her with a sort of detached method and feel sympathetic to her when my parents relay a recent plight of hers… outside of that… I can only feel dark feelings.
They aren’t dark in the way of anger or hate, though. No, they are usually discomfort, fear and disappointment. I will admit, some have bordered towards anger due to feelings of frustration and confusion, however.
Recently, (maybe even last night?) my sister called my mother while we were watching some television. My sister has a voice that carries, so when she is on the phone, I can hear her voice through the receiver even though I am a few yards away. My body automatically felt a bit ill and my chest became tight.
Today I was on Facebook and as usual it tries to connect me with people who have been befriended by the few I’ve “friended”. Of all the things to pop up, there was my sister’s profile. I admittedly wondered if there was a way to block anything related to her via the site. Sadly, all I would was “Add Friend” and “send her a friend request”…
Sigh… I, of course, find it sad I automatically looked for such things… I find it sad that simply seeing her Facebook page makes me uneasy and can cause a rise of anxiety in me. I find it sad that I feel really sick right now because of all of this.
Normally I would write down more of my feelings when distressed since writing such things out have always been therapeutic… but like my other attempts of avoidance… Some of me thinks that maybe I should just lay myself down and see if my mind can work it all out through dreaming instead…
Perhaps one might say I am running away doing such, but quite frankly, I really just don’t want any of these feelings to grow any more than they have and somehow result in some stupid panic attack.