I had a strange dream segment a few days ago. A lone woman was trying to man an aircraft of some sort. It might have been a plane, a spaceship, whatever. It was going out of control. Maybe it was lacking fuel. Maybe she simply had no idea how to work an airship, but in a sense she was the only one left on it. She cries out as she frantically tries to find a way to control the ship/plane/whatever, “Somebody help me! If anyone is there, please help me!”
Then the scene zeroed on a wall behind her. At first it looks like a framed baseball glove was mounted there. When close enough, you see the shape of a man’s face jutting out from the leather though. The eyes suddenly open like in a horror film.
The scene turns back to the woman, but one can see that wall beside her possesses other things slightly bumping over the smooth surface, like a hand, an ear, anything that lets you know it is human. The face that was on the glove soon emerges from a smooth surface just enough to see the face. He opens his eyes again and talks to her. Strangely the woman isn’t surprised.
It is then the back story sort of unfolds – sudden knowledge. The ship/plane is somehow cursed, a monster or something of such nature. The various people on board slowly became part of it somehow. Now the only one who hasn’t been captured is the woman.
Back to the man who is part of the ship, he tells her he can try to help her by controlling it a bit. Despite this power it is somehow known that it is only temporary and soon he will be just as helpless/useless to her as all the others who are part of the ship/plane as well. After saying this, a door is focused on. Apparently it is bolted and has a padlock. Strangely, attached to it is a human heart. An arm struggles out of the wall and then tries to do something with the door.
That is when I woke up.
It was a rather fascinating dream. It would be interesting if there was a story or movie out there that followed a somewhat similar baseline to it. I’d research to see, but I have no clue how to really start. Yes, there are many search engines out there, but using such keywords only bring up many unrelated things so far. That, and such a story/movie likely doesn’t exist.
Oh well.
Freaking Out…
I remember once admitting a slight crush to a friend of mine. I am not the sort to really talk about such things. Her face lit up. I guess she was touched that I shared such a thing. Personally it freaked me out – her response. Soon enough she began to move closer. I still am not certain as to what she was going to do, but my instincts said she was going to hug me. Yes… I freaked out over that.
When I freak out I either freeze or take flight. I took flight that time. Dodging her, I tried to escape by ducking under her outstretched arms. I almost made it but my hand, which was in a fist, made contact with her stomach. Shocked, I turned to her. She looked at me utterly hurt. I have no idea if she felt I attacked her or if the hurt was due to physical pain. Maybe it was both emotionally and physically. I felt extremely bad of course.
Yes though… her trying to hug me freaked me out that day.
Pain with Bits of Hope…
I guess I’m in a slight brooding mood tonight. It is likely due to reading and semi editing some stories I like. The stories are written by someone whose first language isn’t English. She did well translating them from German though, but sometimes things don’t flow correctly or simply are hard to make sense of. I left all the British spellings though.
Reading them again, I cannot help but remember my adolescence again. Around that time I read a lot. I got into the Internet long before my peers and found some bits of hope on it. Those bits of hope were from stories. The stories I am reading/editing were some of the stories I read during that hard time in my life. They gave me hope because they showed me I was not alone.
The main characters were usual very troubled, outcasts or the like. They dealt with cruel peers, hard situations and so forth. They found a place to belong in the end though… they always found a happy ending, or the beginning of a better future.
While in the middle of reading/editing the third story so far, I stopped to take a quick shower. At that time I remembered a girl who was a real bitch towards me in middle school. I address her simply as Kennedy. I never knew what her deal was when it came to me, but I know she could b cruel to those who considered her a friend. Maybe it was her nature. It was a sad nature, though… having to hurt and belittle others to make herself feel better. That is my theory anyway.
I remember her accusing me of being homosexual. I remember what caused that accusation. We were in the same PE class one year. Basketball was the activity of the day. Most of the girls hung back despite we were in a line. They were chatting and being annoying as far as I was concerned, so I pushed past them to participate. Someone didn’t like that, said I cut in line. I rolled my eyes and made a comment about not caring about the boys like they did. More or less, I wasn’t boy crazy nor was I afraid to play against them.
Well, later on at the side of the bleachers Kennedy approached me and asked if I was a lesbian. I eyed her unamused and replied flatly, “No, I’m a loner.” Well, being the genius that she is, she replied, “You are a lesbian!” I rolled my eyes and replied, “No, I just don’t like most people.”
I suppose that is what started it all.
I never really minded her. She wasn’t really on my radar. I actually saw her as, “Oh, her… she’s okay.” Boy, was I wrong.
She was friends with two girls I had hung out with all through elementary. One night I was on the computer and one of those girls contacted me on messenger. Pretty soon, I realized it wasn’t one of them, but someone simply using her handle while she was away from the computer.
I guess it was my fault. I should have left the moment it started to get ugly. I wanted to know who it was, though. I wanted to know the true face of my attacker. It was cowardly to cyber-bully me using a friend’s handle. After enduring endless insults she finally told em who she was. It was Kennedy.
I don’t really recall what she said to me that night… Well, I know there were a lot of comments about me being a sick faggot and such… but if logic proves correctly, I’m pretty sure she likely told me to die or that people like me should be dead. I assume this because that night I did consider killing myself. I was thirteen at most.
That consideration wasn’t just because of her attacking me that night, though. No, I suffered from depression since I was twelve, maybe even a year earlier than that. My friends from elementary school were drifting away, peers were becoming superficial and mean, cliques and fads went over my head. Basically, I fit nowhere.
I lived that night, though.
I broke down during first period. We had the same math class then. It might have been the next day or whenever school began again because for all I know she could have attacked me during the week or the weekend. It wasn’t an emotional break down. It was a physical one.
I never knew what they were until that spring or maybe even that summer… maybe it was a year later. I had them plenty when little though. We found out they were panic attacks after I had the worst one I ever experienced in my life.
Well, I had one that morning. I had to leave the classroom. I might have even gone home that day because of its severity.
It was probably one of those girls who told me that Kennedy thought I had to leave the classroom because of what she did to me the night before over chat. To this day that pisses me off. It doesn’t annoy me as much as it did back then, but it is still annoying to know a thirteen year old girl felt smug and proud of herself because she thought she scared someone from being in the same classroom as her. Bullshit.
Like all the boys who made my life hell at that time, her stupid words wouldn’t scare me off and if she did have the nerve to approach me I would have either punched her in the spine or kicked hr hard in the shin. In fact, I think it would have been nice to have done so to her. I never got the chance since she never confronted me face to face, though.
To this day, I also never understood how those two girls who had been my friends in elementary could be friends with her. I do not remember which of them it was, but one of them endured a cruel birthday prank from Kennedy. Despite crying to me about it, she still stayed friends with her. I guess belonging with a clique was more important than coming back to me and actually being friends.
I really should have given up on them back then. I was too loyal and had too strong of morals though. In the very last years I became resentful of them. I’m rather ashamed of that, but that is what I got for clinging onto a promise that meant nothing to them and yet everything to me.
There are plenty of other times. There are plenty of other people. People like Kennedy, people who weren’t as bad as Kennedy, but I have no interest in searching for those times. I had no interest in having memories of her pop up in my brain… They did however and so I write.
I hate how closed minded some people can be. I hate how people can say things so carelessly. I hate how people never stop to think. I hate the fact that I probably am guilty of those things but have never been aware of it.
I doubt it would have ever helped, but sometimes I wonder if they would have done things differently if they had known.
I didn’t like boys (I didn’t like most girls either.)
Would it have helped if I told them that boys would hit me, throw things at me and call me names?
I walked funny.
Would it have helped if I told them one of my legs is shorter than the other, but I never realized it until many years later?
They asked me why I wasn’t pretty like my older sister. Why was I ugly?
Would it have helped if I told them that even though both my sister and I are of the same ethnicity, but were adopted from different families?
Why was I so weird?
Would it have helped if I told them if I told you that I am bi-polar, have Aspergers and an audio processing disorder but never knew these things until I was finally out of school?
Would they have even listened? I doubt it.
There were many other things going on. Things at home… but I don’t feel like writing about that either.
The world is just full of ignorant, stupid people.
Still, there is that small bit of hope. There are others out there who know the exact same pain. Sometimes it is the same amount you are feeling, sometimes it is less, sometimes it is more. That is what I learned from those stories I read.
Getting Ready for the Holidays…
Well, Wednesday Mom pulled a trip out of a hat on me. We do this every December, but I like to know ahead of time when we are going to do something. Oh well.
It was a thirty minute trip, I believe, maybe a bit longer. We arrived, found a good parking place and got to shopping. The shopping is Christmas gifts for her coworkers. We stopped at the usual places. I cannot recall the names of them, but I am sure I’ve listed them before in last years’ trip entry.
In the middle of it we stopped for lunch at the usual German restaurant. I usually order German potato salad, but decided to go for something that might fill me up more. I had a potato cheese soup instead. It was awesome.
After that we hit the shopping again. We found one of the places my mom tries to stop at no longer exists, but made up for that by going to some place called “Dogologieâ€. Just seeing what my mom wore that day told anyone that she was a dog fanatic.
We stopped by a few other places after that and then headed home. I fell asleep during the trip only to awake again as we pulled into Walgreen’s. Mom purchased wrapping paper, tissue paper and Christmas themed bags to put the gifts in. I meanwhile found some tape and a ruler I’d need. I’m basically the resident gift wrapper now that my brother doesn’t live with us.
When that was all taken care of we then headed to Hallmark to get our yearly Christmas ornament. Mom found another thing to give as a gift and soon that was over with as well. I was glad because all the hustle and bustle was wearing on me. In the end I collapsed when we got home.
I believe that was the night I woke up at ten. Mom made sure we caught a show before she had to go to sleep. After that I did some chores, took a shower and wound up going to sleep again after a few hours. I didn’t wake again until mid afternoon on Thursday. I’m so bad.
Well, as said, I woke up very late on Thursday. Upon rising I cleaned the kitchen and did the laundry. I had to stop to get something to eat since my blood sugar was near zilch. After that I did my usual dusting regimen and I really cannot recall what I did after that.
Friday is a bit of a blur. I’m pretty sure I slept most of it as well, but know I did wake up earlier than the the time I had the day before. I did the usual chores, did the deep cleaning on the kitchen and likely read over things the rest of the afternoon until it was time to go out to eat.
Dad didn’t join us that night. Whether he wasn’t feeling well or it was true that he “ate a big lunchâ€, I have no idea. The night was pleasant though. On the way to the restaurant Mom and I got into a discussion about whether certain animals have souls or at least have the ability to connect with humans. That ended upon meeting my brother. The conversation shifted to a seminar he attended and about what he learned. The meal was good, the conversation was engaging and it ended in sopapillas.
I cannot remember much of the night after that. It might have been the night there was nothing to watch so I found reruns of Monk and watched two of those before hitting the bed. Yeah… it might have been that night.
Saturday I woke at a decent hour. I did some chores I believe, but I ended up falling back asleep later in the morning. I woke around twelve and Dad and I went grocery shopping. On the way there I had talked to Dad about Mom’s vacation soon being over. Basically I said I was sort of glad she’d be going back to work. The reason why was because there was no schedule the whole time she was off, so I rarely got anything done. He apparently took it to mean I was tired of Mom. Oi.
Well, we got groceries, came back home, unpacked them and I finally ate something. After that I cleaned the cat fountain and did some text editing. I think I collapsed around three in the afternoon. I woke up again in time to see Mom briefly and she confronted me. Apparently Dad decided to be an ass and told her about our conversation earlier that day. Mom’s feelings were of course hurt because he made it sound like I was glad to be rid of her. Bull.
Well, there wasn’t much time to talk to her about it since she was going to bed, but I assured her that was not my intentions nor the point of what I was telling Dad. She seemed to feel better after that and we parted on good terms. After that I took a shower and stayed up most of the night editing.
I think I woke up around one in the afternoon on Sunday. I got to work on chores, might have eaten a bowl of cereal and had a deeper discussion with Mom about the night before. She came to understand the whole point of my conversation with Dad. While I am glad to have Mom home and enjoy spending time with her, there was no schedule at all. That was the point of Mom’s vacation, of course, but it was a bad influence on me.
While I don’t follow a strict regimen, I manage to get most if not all my chores done before my parents get home from work. I was unable to do that with Mom home. I never knew when to vacuum, the kitchen would be swept through three times a day rather than briefly in the morning and briefly at night and the surprise trip on Wednesday cut out most cleaning altogether.
Sleep was also greatly affected. Since Mom could stay up late, we’d watch three to four shows in one sitting. I’m used to only seeing one to two shows a night. While it allows Mom to escape, it can take a lot of concentration from me to follow the words and storyline. So, too much television tends to drain me. I like the shows we watch, but if I didn’t join Mom, she could have wound up watching a show without me and thus troubles there. So for the most part I tried to be a trooper.
The other problem is that I usually stay up three to four hours after Mom finishes watching television and goes to bed. Therefore, nights when the television watching ended around eleven or so, I’d stay up until three, sometimes four in the morning. That of course caused me to wake up in the afternoon and then that only left me with so many hours to get chores done as well as nutrients in me.
Yep… the change of routine and somewhat lack of schedule altogether was not good on me.
Well, after getting all that – more summarized though – Mom fully understood the matter and summed it up as “Your OCD was messed with and thus caused you more stress than usual.†Well, it wasn’t in those exact words, but close enough.
Anyway, once that was done with I folded clothes and tackled the Christmas tree. Yeah, Dad had taken down the Christmas decorations from the attic Saturday afternoon while I was asleep. Mom decorated most of the tree, but there were a lot of empty spaces that needed to be filled in. Thus, I came by with the “filler†ornaments. Those are basically “glass†balls.
I have a little routine before that though, so before doing the filling in, I worked on “fluffing†the tree. We use a fake tree with a lot of wire-based limbs and branches. When put up all the wires get bunched up, so I go through them and straighten them so the “needles†with fill out. When that was done I of course finished the tree decorating.
I think after all that I returned to my room to read and edit things some more. During that time my mom fixed up a “Birthday Dinner†for me. It is a few days early, but better done on the weekend. I had asked for scalloped potatoes around Thanksgiving, forgot about it and recently had asked for homemade macaroni. Well, Mom remembered both requests and those made both. Oops.
It was a good, filling dinner, though. Bad us. We mainly ate carbs. I ate all carbs, actually. Still, everyone seemed to like it. I adore homemade macaroni. It is so much better than the boxed stuff.
Well, once everyone got their fill, I worked on cleaning the dishes while Mom put away the leftovers.
I don’t quite remember the rest of the night other than taking a shower and putting my meds in order, but I went to bed around seven thirty to eight only to wake again at eleven thirty. I’ve been up since then and it is now three in the morning. I of course decided to type this down since my last entry was mainly jumbled and consisted of poorly remembered events.
Anyway, that is all for now. Monday will hopefully be normal. Tuesday I have a doctor’s appointment and will likely go to yoga in the evening. The rest of the week will hopefully be normal as well.
Third week of December my brother’s birthday should come up and soon after that my sister should come down to spend Christmas with us. Other than that, I don’t think anything else is planned. Yay.
Too Bloody Much…
I really remember little detail when it comes to what has happened since my last entry. I’ll try, though. Saturday was normal except in the early afternoon Dad converted the leftover turkey into soup for when my eldest brother visited. He came the next day with his wife. I’m not sure when they arrived though since I was asleep at the time. There was the usual small talk until dinner started. There was the addition of a small bowl of green bean casserole, twice baked put-back potatoes and rolls to go with the soup. It was a pleasant visit and much laughter at the table. When dinner was over I cleaned up what I could and eventually wound up talking to Eryn about a story I started in 1999. She found it interesting and I offered to send it to her once I got my computer back as well as the Internet. She gave me her email and pretty soon it was time for them to leave. I remarkably stayed awake all through the visit and later into the night.
Monday to Wednesday was normal, I believe. I did my chores, ate my usual meals. Well, okay, Tuesday was different to some extent. Dad came home early, dropped my computer off and went to pick up Mom. I didn’t know if there needed to be anything done before I fiddled with it, so I just left it on the table. Dad soon returned with mom. I got the okay and so put the tower in place. Plugging all the cords in their places, I turned on my computer. To my great relief all of my writings were saved. Most of my music was saved as well and things on my desktop was recovered minus a fan art picture I did.
Well, I could only do a brief look over before it was time to go to yoga class. We had to leave early in order to drop my dad off to a basketball game he had to take pictures off for his work. So, yoga was gone to, done and then we headed back home for about fifteen minutes. Yes, “we”, as in my mom insisted I come with her to pick him up. Well, she forgot her phone so we couldn’t call him when we arrived, so Mom circled the car around for a while until she got a decent parking spot. The game finally ended and when Dad stepped out he managed to find us. Sadly, Mom did a poor job pulling out to drive to him, so we got stuck. He came over and they switched places. This of course meant Dad had to try to get the the front seat while passing through the narrow walking space in between our car and another car, manage to open the car door wide enough for him to squeeze himself through and try to get situated. Mom is so freakishly helpless sometimes. We got back home safely and soon Mom wanted to watch television, so we made quick meals and got in an hour of television.
I have no idea what I did the rest of that night… I’m pretty sure I took a shower at nine, but whether I stayed up all night in order to get my computer in order or went to sleep at a decent hour with plans to work on it the next day is unknown.
Wednesday I do not recall at all. I might have slept most of the day, worked on my computer most of the day or had a relatively usual day of chores, sleep and computer time well dispersed. I really don’t remember. Anyway, it was the last day my Mom had to work before her winter vacation. So, I do know that Wednesday night we were up watching television later than usual.
I don’t remember much of Thursday or Friday. I figure it was again pretty normal minus the likelihood that vacuuming didn’t occur as much if at all because my Mom was home. I am odd about that. I don’t like to vacuum when other people are in the house. Other than that, I know we went out to eat Chinese that night.
Saturday was normal for the most part except when my dad tried to hook me up to the home network for the Internet. That ended less that wonderfully. We gave up, got groceries and Dad called my brother to save the day. My second brother, the one who isn’t married, seems to the be computer guru among our lot. He arrived a while after Dad and I got the groceries, picked up my mother’s dog from his grooming appointment on the way home and put up groceries… Like magic, he got us all connected in just a small amount of time. He stayed over after that, watched television and what not. I think I fell asleep most of the afternoon.
Sunday, I slept like mad, so there isn’t much to remember anyway. Upon waking though, I found my Dad made dinner. We had Torta de Polenta. It was some strange cornmeal dish with peppers and other things mixed in from what I could tell. It wasn’t the best thing I’ve ever eaten, but it was okay. After eating I got to the chores I hadn’t gotten to that day due to sleep. The dishes weren’t so bad, there was a ton of laundry to fold and vacuuming was out of the question considering the time.
The rest of the night I believe I was mainly on my computer getting everything into a similar order to how it was before. The last few hours was spent reading over the first “book” of my story. Due to that, I went to sleep around three. I think I woke again at ten. I ate breakfast, did what chores I could while Mom is around and watched two and a half episodes of some sort of animal cop show Mom wanted me to see. By twelve thirty I had to go to bed again. I slept until about four this afternoon. Mom wanted to do a yoga class, so she woke me up. We left fifteen minutes later and did yoga for an hour or so. After we returned home I took a shower and made myself some supper. Soon enough Mom wanted to watch television.
Sigh… Admittedly, I am getting kind of sick of television. I have been for a while. Yeah, I like the shows, but watching television for two hours is enough for me. Sometimes it is too much for me… Therefore, my mom’s ability to stay up late and watch more shows than usual is wearing on me a bit. Come on season endings! Give me a break!
Oi… Well, my mind has been drained due to the lovely mind-numbing experience. I would have happily gone on to bed before typing this, but I know that if I put this off, I’ll forget everything. EVERYTHING… not that any thing I have written on this is significant… but damn it!
I’m going to bed. I’ll read this tomorrow, maybe edit it, after I’ve gotten some sleep or at least have my head cleared again.
Turkey Day is Over…
Most of the week has been the usual since my last entry. It turned out I did indeed have a cold, but it soon dwindled by Tuesday and was near completely gone by Wednesday. ‘Just in time for Thanksgiving, no?
Saturday and Sunday nights I was quite awake and thus on Saturday I took off all my bedding and worked on washing and drying it. To kill time I watched What Women Want and The Family Man on TBS most of the night. Sunday night was basically the same minus watching movies. I did the bedding to the sewing room, which is twice as much as the bedding in my room. I passed the time in between working on retrieving files from my external hard drive. The reason it was filled to the brink was because it was set to save things consecutively, so my dad tells me. Therefore most of the weekend up to then I had been transferring things manually to another external hard drive, but putting it in a more sensible order.
I got most of the bed done by four in the morning and spent the time after that feeding the cats, eating breakfast and soon went to sleep after completing those tasks. I slept most of the day away, but got up to do some chores and to let the dogs out at noon. I believe that is all to be said about Monday other than during the bed making I pulled a muscle in my arm.
Tuesday was a regular day. I got little sleep the night before, but at least wasn’t up all night. I am sure I still slept most of it though. At the end of it Mom and I went to yoga class, then ate dinner and watched television. The rest of the night is uncertain. I tried harder to get some sleep that night, though and managed maybe four hours.Â
Well, Wednesday, my Mom had off and thus stayed home. Since she was able to sleep in, I fed the cats that morning and did the regular chores. I vacuumed half the house the night before so everything was pretty much good to go after that.
The rest of the morning I worked on retrieving the rest of the files from my external hard drive. The hard drive was 250 GBs. All together my stuff was really about 17 GBs. Sadly, since it was set up like that, the majority of the disk was filled with updates from 2009, a bit of 2010 and a sparse amount of 2011. Still, it was good to have the main foundation of my stuff intact.
Mom woke up around the time I finally finished the process. It was maybe nine thirty? I might have done some more chores after that – the dishes likely being more thoroughly cleaned by the dishwasher and the laundry ready to be folded. That and my mom was up, thus using the kitchen, leaving paper towels about, fixing tea and eating a bowl of cereal… She somewhat messes the kitchen up all by herself.
At eleven she went to a chiropractor appointment, so I dusted the blinds and rested for a while before she and I ran out to do errands.
We got out around twelve thirty to one, I believe. The firs task was to get dog food, dog treats and birdseed. That took a while since Mom took her time selecting the dog treats and in-between she searched for a dog halter. I mainly just wandered around. We got out of there maybe forty-five minutes later. I hadn’t eaten for six hours by then, so it was good that we stopped for lunch then.
When we were through eating, we continued on to the grocery store to picked up rolls for Thanksgiving. I got a single soda from a small fridge to have with Thanksgiving meal the next day. We got out of there and then headed to WalMart. My lamp’s bulb died Monday or Tuesday night. We found a match, I grabbed some jerky due to a sudden craving for meat and a few ornaments that caught my mom’s fancy.
As we headed home, Mom also made a stop at Wendy’s to get herself a large Frosty. She offered to get me something, so I got a small one. We then made it home, unpacked the purchases and settled in the sewing room to enjoy out treats. I think I took a nap after that. It was maybe four then?
Mom woke me up around seven that evening and we watched some television. I took a shower after that and mom went to bed. The rest of the night I dallied on the computer and went to bed around twelve to one.
Thursday I woke up early again, fed the cats, ate breakfast and did a few chores. I went back to sleep soon enough though. I woke again at one and then continued them, mainly by dusting my parents room and the living room. While I did that Dad semi watched football and cooked at the same time. Mom walked her dogs. By three we had Thanksgiving dinner.
It was a simple affair. My dad cooked ham, turkey, stuffing, gravy, mashed potatoes and corn. The rolls were bought and zapped in the microwave by my mom. She whipped up some broccoli and cheese for me and made a salad for herself. We ate at three to accommodate my brother, who works odd hours.
It was good. I’m not huge on home cooked meals. There is usually so much and I have been pretty much bred to eat frozen dinners and prepackaged meals. Still I ate some helpings of mashed potatoes and corn, snagged a roll and had some of the broccoli and cheese Mom made. In between I ate only bits of turkey.
After all of us ate, I gave all the cats bits of turkey and then helped the others clear the table. After the food was mainly put up and Dad cleaned the huge pots that the turkey and ham were roasted in, I got to work on rinsing the rest of the dishes and put them in the dishwasher. Some of course had to be hand washed and towel dried. Finishing up by cleaning the counters, Mom eventually asked me to help her dust the dining room.
She worked on taking all the things off the large cabinet in there. I’m always leery of moving anything off the cabinet since it is filled with her teapots and tea cups. I‘d be sure to break one with the unforgiving tiled floor we have. Thus I usually avoid dusting the room. Knowing she’d be moving the items, I was just fine with doing the dusting part. After that she asked me to clean the glass of the cabinets and then my job was done there. So, while she worked on putting things back, I cleaned the doors to the cupboards in the kitchen. When all was through I hit the bed to take a nap.
Mom woke me around seven to seven thirty to watch television. There wasn’t much one, but she recorded a dog show. I was fine with that. It is kind of neat seeing the various breeds at their finest. It was done around nine, so I went off to take a shower and spent the rest of the night catching up on my Internet dallying and reading.
Thursday is gone and I believe that is it for Thanksgiving. I’m not certain due the fact that my eldest brother and his wife might come down today or sometime later on to visit us. Still, the traditional part is over.
It is now Friday. I woke an hour ago, made a peanut butter sandwich and am now writing this. After posting I intend to put flea preventative on the cats and rather do not know what I’ll do from there. I guess that is all for now.
Recovering…
It turns out my eldest brother lost his job. This occurred maybe a week or so before the wedding, but he didn‘t want to tell anyone then. It had nothing to do with something he did. His job just was cut. Hello, economy. So, now he apparently is looking into two different job interviews.
Things seem to be same ol’, same ol’ for my other brother. He has his job, it is still physically taxing, but he’s still okay. If anything has occurred, I certainly haven’t heard.
My sister meanwhile still hates her job, where she is living and so forth. The stress has apparently caused her to gain ten pounds and she is overall miserable. Her birthday was on the fifteenth. Mom and Dad sent her a dozen roses and a text. Hopefully that cheered her up a bit.
Another hopeful thing in regarding her is that she’ll be able to at least visit our Uncle Mike, Dad’s brother, for Thanksgiving this year. They live closer to her and one of her bosses are heading that way so maybe she can hitch a ride. It would definitely be good for her to get a change of settings, see loved ones and have a good meal.
Yeah, my sister won’t be joining us this year, but she might make it for Christmas. My eldest brother isn’t going to be here on Thursday either. He’s eating with his wife’s family – her sister specifically I believe. They might come visit us later. Therefore, Thanksgiving will consist of my parents, my other brother and me this year. I have no qualms over this.
Now for things that go more in order…
Monday Mom and I got groceries. We mainly spent the day recuperating from the weekend otherwise.
Tuesday Mom went back to work and I was still spending most of the day recuperating. We did go to yoga still. My sister had her birthday.
Wednesday I saw the dentist for minor teeth reconstruction. A chip and a groove had to be fixed.
Thursday I was out for the count still. I started getting allergies so that didn’t help. My computer also decided to be a pain that evening. I got a blue screen.
Friday my allergies persist so I’m still quite under the weather. Mom fears the concept of it being a cold.
Now it is Saturday evening. I’m still relying on my parents’ computers, still feeling less than wonderful and basically slept a lot today as well. I did get most of the usual done though… clean the cat fountain, went grocery shopping, did a bit of chores – very bit in this case – and then collapsed.
Mom woke me up around six or so to watch television. We did so. During this time I’ve been going about the web to find various links I have stored on my Internet browser, yet have no chance of getting to now. I have no hope in remembering all of them, but if the retrieval of my hard drive ends with me not getting the links back… well, I did my best despite my shoddy memory.
My real concern is my stories and some computer art I hadn’t posted on DA yet. With that includes an old art program all use that came out around 1999. The second is the music I’ve collected over the years since I’ve found music to be very significant to memories even if the memories are not lucid and more feeling. Third importance is reading material.
I do have back ups of most of my writings, but they aren’t as up-to-date as I’d like them to be. The rest of the stuff, I can rebuild, I guess… not in accuracy, but I can rebuild, I am sure. Still, though…
Dad and a friend of mine asked why I did back up my files. With what? I do have an external hard drive but it only holds my writings, a bit of reading material and little notes/list things. Some people would think, you’ve written enough pages to fill up a 250 GB hard drive? I don’t think so. The reading material and other such isn’t that much either. I don’t know why it is full. I don’t understand the damn thing.
Why not get another hard drive? Another hard drive is worth three weeks of groceries for me, damn it. I still wouldn’t understand it and not much would be saved still. Fuck it all.
Sigh.
Anyway…
Nothing else should come up this month other than Thanksgiving. I hope that stands true. If so, thank god.
The Wedding is Over…
Well, it is late Monday night and I have woken up from a four thirty to five hour nap. Since my last entry late Saturday evening I’ve been sleeping a lot of course. After my entry I got up, brushed my teeth and settled down in bed. Mom was staying up to watch some television and it was engaging enough that I stayed up with her. Around ten thirty or perhaps eleven, I cannot recall clearly, we went to sleep.
I got up again around five in the morning. Since my whole weekend mainly consisted of sleeping and being awake only to get nutrients and participate during the wedding related events, I had little time to myself. I checked some websites and then began to read. I read until eight thirty. Getting up I began to put most of my things away since during that time my mom had woken, did her yoga and likely a few various other things.
With only a few things left over like my teeth care supplies, we eventually went downstairs to eat breakfast at the grill we ate at our first meal there. It was a rather big breakfast we had, but most of the meals I had that weekend were big. I’m sure the meals helped my energy levels as did the endless sleep related collapsing.
We headed back up to our rented room then, I brushed my teeth and began to pack the rest of what few things I had left. I helped my mom with packing some of her things since she brings too much stuff by habit. Then it was a matter of time for my dad to arrive. I think he showed up around ten to ten thirty. So, we got to moving our luggage down to the parking lot and soon loading everything into the car. We left after that and headed for home.
Mom and I slept the trip back just like how we slept the entire trip there. My case was understandable since I got less sleep than her last night. Anyway, I woke upon our arrival home. My first priority was to find my cat. After a long search I found him under a bed. He was a bit leery of us, even me, but I couldn’t blame him so I let him be. Once things settled down he’d be okay.
I then began unpacking my things and my parents soon headed off to retrieve their dogs from the kennel they stayed at. I took that time to get my stuff in order, give the cats some wet food and eventually collapse again. I slept until around ten thirty that night.
Getting up, I took a shower and had a small dinner of Ramen. I decided to watch a few shows on the television and after being up for about three hours I hit the bed again. I’m not certain as to when I woke up again. Maybe it was ten? Maybe it was eleven?
Well, I ate a light breakfast consisting of a peanut butter sandwich. My body was still exhausted so I did what little chores I could manage. I then checked my email and various things before checking into my bank account. That was a troublesome endeavor.
I had tried to check it the night before but there were difficulties. Our bank merged, converted… something with another bank while we were gone. Therefore lots of things changed and had to be reaffirmed. Well, this time it was being a bit kinder and with my mother’s assistance I finally got it to work. I think the main problems the night before was because my debit card hadn’t been fully renewed yet. We called the bank to activated it mid afternoon the day before, so maybe that had something to do with it.
Anyway, with that squared away I again worked on putting order to some things in regards to my room. My cat was back to his usual self and I was still exhausted. I decided to rest on my bed for a while until my mom was ready to leave.
Since we were gone since Friday we hadn’t done our grocery shopping, therefore it was our duty to get that done today. After my mom got her bank account in order and checked her email we headed out. Grocery shopping was pretty much the same as usual for me despite my mom did some things that made it a bit frustrating, like wandering off… but we got the job done.
After that we picked up medicine and stopped by Wendy’s. Mom wanted a frosty and I was thirsty as well as in need of a quick snack to pick me up since I had a dizzy spell at the store. We headed home after that.
After unpacking groceries mom readied herself lunch and I ate my fries and drank my soda. We then went to the “cat/sewing room†to watch some television just to catch up on shows we didn’t see while gone. After two shows I was getting tired and went to take a nap. Mo got a page about a prescription she had dropped off when we went to get meds earlier. The rest of my day was spent sleeping after that.
I took a shower before starting this and started cooking some pasta in the middle. Eating now, I guess I’ll take a break before I move onto looking back on significant events during the wedding that weren’t addressed in my previous entry.
(Paused at 10:21 PM. Resumed 10:50 PM)
Okay… Well, despite the entire trip has exhausted me and revived some issues of mine, I will say there were some things learned. The some of the following might have been addressed in my previous post, but since I wrote that while I was semi-brain-dead it doesn’t matter.
One thing I have established during the rehearsal dinner was that I seem to have a soft spot for the elderly. In a more elaborated sense, I find them easier to talk to and feel at ease with. A part of me wonders if it is because I seem to be like an elderly person despite my youth. There are those with old souls and I might be one of them, but usually when I say I am like an elder person, I mean it by mannerisms and such. I might be wrong on that, but it just feels that way at times.
Another thing learned is that while I still tend to feel like a different species, an alien in a small isolated world watching those I will never understand… I do not become as depressed about this knowledge as I would have when younger. I suppose it is because I know my nature better than I used to. I know I will never be a part of that world and even if I was included it would never have the significance I see it to have in reality when it regards me. I experience things differently. Just being at the wedding is proof of that.
Despite I was there physically to be a part of it… on an emotional, mental and spiritual way, I was still unable to experience the feelings and thoughts everyone else was. At the dinner I saw people being friendly, telling stories and bonding. Most of the conversations I couldn’t join in on since I was never there or was unable to remember – my memory is particularly poor. Therefore I was mainly silent and listened. I could only pick up bits of the conversations though. I did smile at times, find some things amusing, but again there was that distance. I realize now that even when I am included, I will never have the true connection. It is sad, but it is how I am apparently.
There were other instances of feeling quite misplaced, but I think the point is addressed well enough. Now there are some things that I learned that is less on an introspective level and more like a personal history enlightened. I write it for the memory since remembering on my own is rather futile.
After arriving to where the wedding was to take place my family encountered my grandmother, now brother’s neighbor. After catching up it was soon just her and me talking. She tried to refresh my memory about things in the past, but I sadly do not recall. Then again I was likely a toddler at best in regards to the memories she spoke of.
Apparently my fondness for the elderly was proven yet again because she relayed to me about how whenever the rest of the family left to do things like go to the movies, the mall or do errands I always insisted on staying home with my grandmother. This amused me and made me smile. I remember none of that but it is nice to know that while I remember no particular bond with my grandmother, I apparently had one.
Another thing she noted was that back when we lived up in Alaska when she visited us I would have nothing to do with her and only wanted to be with her daughter. Then in all irony, when we were down here I wanted nothing to do with her daughter and only wanted to be around her. What was up with me back then, I have no idea. It is interesting as well as amusing to know, though.
The last story she told me was how my sister, cousin and I would hang around her home at times when we were little. Apparently my sister and cousin would help her husband make soup often. She claimed I helped, but my mother thinks it is unlikely considering my age. I likely watched at best. Still, it was said that if my parents and grandparents couldn’t find us, it likely meant we were over there.
Well, I believe I’ve written down the main things I wanted to remember or found significant. It is 11:09 now. I still feel rather awake so I suppose I’ll stay up a bit longer.
For notes, My sister’s birthday is tomorrow and I have a dentist appointment on Wednesday. Other than Thanksgiving, I don’t think there are any other plans or events occurring this month. Thank god.
E-Brother’s Wedding…
Well… the wedding is finally over. Friday morning I woke around five and left my room at five thirty. I ate breakfast and cleaned up as much as I could. Making sure everything I needed was ready, I then made sure the cats had enough food and water left to last at least two and a half to three days. During this my parents left a little after eight to take the dogs to a kennel. Waiting on them I eventually decided to rest in bed again since I had only received about… three hours of sleep the night before.
They returned around nine thirty. Mom woke me up, we packed the car and were out by nine fifty. Mom and I wound up sleeping the whole trip while dad drove. I don’t quite remember when we got into the city but it was maybe around noon. We then went to the hotel.
It seems my dad had spent enough money for only one room instead of two. By the price he thought he had gotten two rooms, but that was not the case. Therefore, Mom and I took the one already booked and he with my brother took a cheaper hotel room at a hotel opposite us while a mall was the separator.
We waited a while until we knew my brother was near to go downstairs to eat lunch. The restaurant in the hotel was a grill place. We ordered while waiting since it would take my brother about ten minutes until he could arrive. I had ordered a pizza since it was the only thing on the menu I’d eat with no problem.
Well, my brother arrived only to note he wasn’t very hungry, so after looking at the menu I offered to split my pizza with him since I likely wouldn’t eat all of it. It was settled since it was pepperoni. The pizza was okay. They made it have a slightly spicy sauce that didn’t interest me greatly, however. I like my frozen pizzas baked in the oven for a while just fine.
We separated after that, my dad and brother heading to their hotel and my mother and me to our room. I collapsed soon enough and I am not sure what my mom did. Anyway, she woke me up from my nap and I got dressed as did she. Dad and my brother showed up and all together we used the family car to go to the rehearsal.
I suppose I could go all into it, but my mind doesn’t want to so whatever. We met my to-be-sister-in-law’s friends and family. We waited around for the stragglers to show up. I mainly watched as everyone got the procession down and typically wondered why I was there again. When I say there, I didn’t mean the rehearsal, but the wedding in general. I paid no role and was pretty much like an unnecessary accessory just added in really. Yeah, yeah… my reason to be there was for my eldest brother to join and witness him on a day of pivotal value in his entire life. I just wonder if my being there was truly important though.
Yes, yes – this is about the bride and groom, not you. I know that. At the same time, however… would it have been at all significant if I hadn’t been there? I suppose it would be since I am his youngest sister and we had a good relationship as children. I suppose it would be since I get along with the bride just fine. In all logical sense, however, I contributed nothing. Well, I guess I contributed a sense of moral support… Whatever.
Well, after the rehearsal Dad and my brother dropped us off at our hotel. I collapsed again. Mom mapped out a way to find a tea shop and a place that could sell her a hair brush since she forgot to bring hers. She got back at five thirty and woke me up. We got ready, Dad and my brother showed up and when we were all ready we left for the rehearsal dinner.
The restaurant was Italian. We arrived around the same time the wedding committee with my eldest brother and his bride-to-be did. We all entered to the reserved room. There were the bride-to-be’s grandmother and an old friend of my brother who was to be his Best Man. Apparently my brother had been his Best Man in turn when he got married. He is in the army, so he flew all the way in from England and had arrived in the US just ten minutes before he found the restaurant. Others to arrive was another of my brothers’ childhood friends, the bride-to-be’s god parents and various others. I pretty much just stuck by my mom. Though some of my brothers’ childhood friends were there, I never really knew them. Again, I wondered why I was even there and simply thought about how I wanted to be home.
The dinner was nice… I could eat something from every course. As for the socializing… well, as said, I didn’t really know anyone. So I mainly just stared off, listened to others despite half the conversation was lost on me… and I mainly just wanted to be home. My being there again seemed utterly pointless. I had nothing to contribute in the conversation, had no memories others discussed about and really related to little. Oh, well.
When the bride-to-be’s father asked me how I was doing, I could only shrug. He was a nice fellow. He brought along his fiancée and she seemed nice. I liked the grandmother despite we spoke briefly. I realized I always seem to have most ease with the well functioning elderly. I loved my great aunt Lillian and I found a fondness for the bride-to-be’s grandmother. I don’t remember my own grandmother too well, though.
Not much really needs to be said for the dinner I guess. The bride-to-be’s godmother sang a song, people thanked my parents for the dinner and I got a gander of the bill and wondered about chipping in despite I can only offer little. We left around nine or so.
Once my mother and I got showers we both pretty much collapsed. It was ten thirty. Mom fell asleep quickly. It took me a while but I slept well. I dreamed of my cats. I woke around six thirty and opened up the blinds to semi-wake my mom and to make sure the room was no longer black as ink. I went back to sleep after that for safety measures.
I woke again around ten thirty. Mom had been well up since then and I just made sure I kept up my “retain as much energy as possible†plan. Dad and my brother showed up and we all decided to eat an early lunch. After having trouble deciding on a place we stopped by an Italian restaurant since we were running short on time – my brother was a groomsman and needed to get to the place early to help set things up and the like.
It was okay. Again, like the pizza I ate for lunch the day before, it wasn’t quite my style. The sauce was a bit strong for me and I thought the price was ridiculous. Everything here is priced ridiculously. That is one of the things I dislike about traditional weddings.
Well, after eating we split up again. I caught in maybe an hour of sleep after that and was woken up just in time to get dressed. Dad arrived, got dressed in our hotel room and then the three of us headed to the wedding grounds.
Waiting around in the parking lot were all the groomsmen and my eldest brother all dressed up. Greetings were said and then we entered the reception room. There we ran into my deceased grandmother’s next door neighbor who has been my eldest brother’s next door neighbor for some years now. She tried to refresh my memory on some things, but it was like hearing a book for the first time for me. It refreshed nothing. I just lack a decent ability to recall things from the past. It was pleasant and enlightening, though.
I later saw my mother’s cousin Patty and her husband as well as my “Aunt†Karen, another of my mom’s cousins, and her son, Justin, and daughter, Ashley, with their respective spouses and children. In that I met said children for the first time. All of them are still babies. Justin and his wife have two children – I believe they are both boys. Ashley and her husband have a baby girl. I’m not really a baby person, but I liked them. I like kids and babies on a more “look at them†level. On a baby-sit, interact like mad level… not so much.
Well, I eventually sat down, already tiring just from the little interaction, I was the only one in the from row of the groom’s side. My parents were to sit on the bride’s side since they led the procession. My sister of course wasn’t there and my brother was a groomsman. So, yeah… I was alone on the front row. Great. I survived, of course, but… yeah.
The procession occurred, the bride was beautiful and I was quite happy for them. I just still didn’t understand my being there. Well, it didn’t feel as bad as at the rehearsal dinner. At the dinner I had felt that old feeling again: On the inside looking out.
When the ceremony was over the guests went to the concession and I just hung around my parents until they entered to mingle with Patty and her husband. They were soon called for pictures. I was told I wouldn’t be needed so I made very small talk with my mother’s relations. Then the bride came and told me I was supposed to go to the picture taking too while she went to get her grandmother. I joined in just a few pictures, did a couple of plastered smiles that dropped as soon as the camera flashed and some of my regular, small smiles that wind up not looking like smiles when I actually see them in pictures or mirrors.
When the groom’s family was no longer needed Mom, Dad, my brother and I joined the other guests. There were finger foods. We ate little. Dad mainly drank wine. I think I was about the same way as I was at the rehearsal… I sat quietly, listened, stared off and on occasion made a sound.
When the speeches were made I clapped, laughed and listened. I smiled on occasion and so forth. I will not say it was mechanical, but I cannot say it was full of life either. I found some things touching, some things cute, some things funny, some things boring… so on. I just know… I still am very alien to most humans. I admitted such to my mom as well as that I sometimes cannot even relate to my own family. She seemed to understand.
Well, we left around six I think. We couldn’t find the bride to say goodbye, but we bid farewell to my eldest brother. We headed to the hotel and got dressed into our regular clothes. Mom wanted to go back to the tea place she had encountered earlier and we ate dinner there. Like all the restaurants, minus the one we ate at for the rehearsal dinner, I thought the food could have been better and it was ridiculously priced.
With full stomachs we headed back to the hotel. Dad dropped Mom and me off and went on to his hotel. My brother, who stayed behind with the groomsmen plans to hang out with them tonight I believe.
For once I’ve stayed up. Checking a few sites that I try to check regularly, I now got down to writing this. I’m sure I am leaving a lot of things out, but thinking clearly isn’t really a strong suit right now. I think I am done with this now. Yes.
Catching Up…
It has been well over a month since my last update. I think my avoidance was mainly so I wouldn’t dwell on the wedding that was to come in November. Well, it is now November and by the end of this week I’ll get to confront it.
I left off in my last entry about my sister coming down to get the rest of hr things. Well, new plans were made and she was to take a later flight. In all hopes she would arrive near here around seven. Those hopes were for naught.
Hr flight encountered weather difficulties if not mistaken. Her flight also had a backed up bathroom she sat not too far from, thus her flight was quite miserable. Nonetheless she made it here around ten.
The next day my Dad and brother went to meet her and get everything set for the long drive ahead of them. For expense purposes my Dad and sister would make the trip back up North via U-Haul. It took them the weekend and by Monday or Tuesday my dad returned only to go to work the moment he got back. He is ever the masochist/martyr. Mom, my brother and me were of course frustrated with that.
October seventh I had a dental cleaning and nothing was really wrong with my teeth care wise, but a weak spot they had been looking at would need some help, so I was rescheduled to go back in to have it worked on.
I don’t remember when the appointment was anymore, but it was the usual procedure and worked out well. She found a shipped tooth the dentist who checked my teeth during my check up missed, however, and wanted me to come in again to have it fixed. Therefore, I have another appointment for dental work on November the sixteenth.
Somewhere in the middle of the month vermin entered out attic. This has happened before, but this time they decided to come over to my side of the house. Pretty much the first few weeks I had troubled sleep because of the incessant noise going above my head. This continued on to the end of the month.
The end of October ended going on our haircut expedition. Mom decided we’d do it a bit earlier than usual since the wedding would be coming up two weeks after. Dad didn’t come along because he had to work, but it went by smoothly enough.
I was exhausted though, because I was unable to sleep well the night before. The rats or whatever is up in the attic being the culprits. Therefore, after walking the bottom and top floors of the mall, I settled down in the food court to read for a while before my haircut was to start – my mom gets her hair highlighted so her appointment starts an hour before mine.
I eventually got my haircut and had time to kill. So I tried reading some more, but reading too long can exhaust me just on its own. With my sleep deprivation, I decided to stop and just sat myself down to stare into space, determined not to fall asleep in a mall of all places. I succeeded and my Mom’s hair was finally highlighted, cut and styled.
We stopped to get a light meal at the food court and then did a few errands. Mom wanted to stock up on some scented candles and I needed to get some clothes for the wedding. All throughout this I just wanted to sleep.
Well, the candles were an easy find. The clothes… not so much. Shopping for myself is an easy task usually, but since this was for dress up clothes for a wedding… I left the searching mainly to my mom. Fortunately we found what was needed and after making a small stop to get drinks we finally were off for home.
I had plenty of time to get sleep then. Traffic was terrible so it took us an hour just to get out of the city. Then there was the rest of the usual trip home. When we were home, I took a small amount of time to sort the things we bought and then I collapsed into bed and slept like mad.
Halloween came and went. I sort of celebrated with a virtual haunted house game where you needed to find certain objects and such. At the same time I worked on a picture that rather fit the season. It was another skull head. I say skull head in means of not just a skull. When I say skull head I mean a person with a skull-like face. Thus, there is thin flesh, really deep-set eyes and so forth. I finished it on Halloween night and I must say I am rather pleased with the results.
November… I haven’t much to say. The first week went by without much of a hitch. I cannot really remember it. This week though, Sunday night an old internet friend from the past showed up. We talked for hours and it was really good to see him again. The last time we talked was… three years ago more or less. I haven’t seen him again since then, but such has happened before. If he disappears again it will be disappointing, but I’m rather used to these situations.
Sigh… Tomorrow is Wednesday. Thursday will be spent getting ready for the trip. Friday we will leave in the morning after the dogs have been taken to the kennel they are to be staying at. This weekend will be busy and stressful. I’m not looking forward to this at all.