DP Quiz…

[ ] You have/had a pet rabbit
[ ] You love to play cards
[ ] You constantly know the time
[ ] You get in sticky situations
[ ] You have been to a court
[ ] You have fallen asleep while doing homework
[ ] You have had a tea party
[x] You like hats (I rarely wear them, though.)
[ ] You’re late
[ ] You know how to play croquet
Total: 1

Jasmine
[ ] Your dad is rich
[ ] You are very clever
[ ] You’ve been with someone way different from you
[x] You’re unique and different from everyone else (That is quite general, but I am a different fish pretty much.)
[x] You’d never marry someone just because they were rich
[ ] You have set a lot of goals for yourself
[x] You don’t have a lot of (good) friends (Good friends are the rarest thing in the world I’ve come to find.)
[ ] You’re independent
[ ] You are wealthy
[ ] Your parents try to control your life
Total: 3

Megara
[ ] Your boyfriend is strong
[ ] You have gotten involved with the wrong people before
[ ] You are very convincing
[x] You have fallen in love before (Love is annoying…)
[x] You have had your heartbroken (It doesn’t help that I am bad with handling my emotions…)
[x] You find an interest in Greek mythology
[ ] You lie sometimes (I’m told I lack the ability to lie. I’ll take their word for it.)
[ ] You pretend to be someone you’re not
[x] You have been used (As said, good friends are hard to find…)
[ ] Purple is one of your favorite colors
Total: 4

Ariel
[ ] Your parents expect a lot from you
[x] You really try to follow the rules, but it’s hard for you (Rules of life, basically… Damn you majority rule and normalcy!)
[ ] You’re a bit of a trouble maker
[x] You’re the youngest in your family
[ ] You have a lot of sisters
[x] You collect something (My bedroom is my grotto… I’ve actually called it that once…)
[ ] You have/had long hair
[ ] You are adventurous
[x] You’re extremely curious (I mainly research and observe, though.)
[ ] You believe everything people tell you/you’re a bit gullible
Total: 4

Aurora
[ ] You live/have lived with someone other than your parents
[ ] You almost died at a very young age
[ ] You are gentle, loving, and/or thoughtful
[x] You have a decent singing voice
[x] You like to sleep in late on the weekends
[ ] You spend most of your time outside
[x] You’re adopted (And i am grateful as heck to have been.)
[ ] You’re very romantic
[ ] Pink is one of your favorite colors
Total: 3

Cinderella
[ ] One of your parents is dead
[ ] You are expected to do a lot of chores
[ ] You love to dress up
[x] You love animals (Cats particularly.)
[x] You are waiting patiently for your Prince Charming (More like a combination of a jester and wizard…)
[ ] Your mom is really strict
[x] You have sisters who seem kind of jealous of you (Sister… mainly in the past. I was envious of her too, though.)
[x] You’re afraid to speak your mind sometimes (That and I have a lead tongue during times of conflict.)
[ ] You have left your shoes at a friend’s house before
[ ] You have blond hair
Total: 4

Snow White
[ ] You know that you’re beautiful
[ ] Sometimes it seems like your mom is jealous of you
[ ] You’ve almost been killed
[ ] You have at least seven good friends
[ ] You’ve had food poisoning (Had an extreme allergic reaction to some pasta dish once…)
[x] You have/had short hair
[ ] You get along with almost everyone (That will be the day…)
[ ] All of your friends are different
[x] You love to have a good time (My view of a good time is very different from the norm, I’m sure.)
[ ] You’re happier when you’re out of the house than in
Total: 2

Tinkerbell
[ ] You get jealous easily
[ ] You loved your childhood (I don’t really remember most of it… things I do… terrible.)
[ ] You like to fly (I’ve never flown in any sense…)
[x] You believe in magic (In my own strange logic, yes.)
[x] You’re 5’2 or under (Actually it seems to waver… hard to get the measurement done right…)
[ ] You hate pirates
[x] You love sparkle (I like to look at sparkly things… that counts, right?)
[ ] People underestimate you (I know very few people… so… no idea really.)
[ ] You get angry easily
[ ] You have/had a treehouse
Total: 3

Pocahontas
[x] You love to walk around and explore big cities (I need a companion with me, though.)
[x] You are more spiritual than religious
[ ] You’ve been in an interracial relationship
[ ] One of your family members is dead
[x] Your parents are very protective of you
[ ] Someone you know has been in war
[ ] You love nature
[x] You have/had black hair
[x] You would love to move somewhere exotic and beautiful
[ ] You’re very adventurous
Total: 5

Mulan
[x] You can be a tomboy sometimes
[ ] People wish you could be a bit more girly
[ ] You’ve pretended to be someone you’re not (More like I was convinced I was/could be something I’m not: emotionally strong, independent and stable.)
[ ] You’ve had a physical fight with someone (The offender never fought back… I think those I hit were afraid of hurting me. I am small.)
[ ] You have/had considered running away from home
[ ] Your parents try to plan your life out
[x] A lot of your friends are boys
[ ] You sometimes find yourself in bad situations
[x] You love your family so much that you’d do anything to protect them
Total: 3

A Tentative Dream…

Tonight I thought quite briefly of the two girls I once knew some years go from Louisiana. In that vague thought, I also thought, “That had been a nice dream.” That is what I seem to consider good relationships to be: never lasting, short and bittersweet. They are fond memories that become foggy, but well aged in time.
There are other things that fall into the same category. They are dreams that were never lived, but whisper gently in my mind and my heart. Perhaps they would be called dreams, wishes and hopes… Many would even say they are achievable. But when I look at them, I can only see them as dreams and never true possibilities.
I dream of friendships that never fail… I dream of love that lasts… But never do I dream such things existing for me anywhere other than in my mind, my thoughts and my creations. I can dream of such things existing for others, but the ability to even dare hope for such a thing for me…

I suppose I lost my ability to believe in dreams a long time ago.

One would say I am far too young still to believe nothing will change. I have my whole life ahead of me… many years, many chances… The thing is, I used up all my offenses and defenses.
I remember how much I put put into relationships. Friendships was a mighty treasure to be kept on a pedestal and be fiercely protected. Sadly, very few friends felt the same way. The treasure would be smashed every once in a while. I’d always forgive and always try to make it last…
I should have moved on instead though. The once glistening treasure became too bruised by careless hands and yet constantly placed back into them only to be dropped again. So fragile a thing it became… Once strong and vibrant… now it must be protected more than ever…

So now good relationships are but precious dreams and hopes.

For only the past years I have had relationships that allowed my heart to cautiously hope once more. Never… never could I put complete, innocent and trusting belief in those though. I’d let myself dream though… I’d fantasize them actually staying. I’d dream of our feelings for each other to be strong enough for them to try. I’d quietly wish that this person would be the one who would put in enough effort, time and passion into making our connection last…

I know it to all be a dream though… never a reality.

Slowly they would drift away. I would try to keep contact, but now was wise enough not to try to produce a miracle. When they were gone just long enough… I’d give in. The dream was over… and it would go into the hidden box deep inside my mind and heart. Then on occasion, I’d pull it out and know of it as a sweet, sweet memory… a shortly lived dream.
Sometimes a person might email or find me on an online messenger… There will be some chatting and for a brief moment… a small flame flickers to life in my heart. A distant, hopeful yearning will quietly whisper… but I never let it grow into anything more. Because this is routine. The meeting will last a day… maybe two days at most… then he or she will disappear again.

I don’t think I ever dreamed of being royalty and finding my prince or princess. I never fantasized of my wedding. Nonetheless, I always dreamed of there being “The One”. Even though I believe very little in lasting friendships and even less in true love… that dream still lingers deep inside me.
I’d like to find the person meant only for me. I’d like to be the only person meant for someone. I am no longer strong though.
All my reserves were used up on hopeless causes. Almost all my love, devotion, loyalty, trust and faith was used up on people who didn’t return such notions. My expectations are high and these days… it seems very few care to put in the effort.

I found this out too late.

Now all I can do is protect what little of those things I have left and dream of worlds where they do exist. With art and with writing one can create such worlds. There you can make sure such things will come true. Those are my fragile hopes. They may never exist for me… but I can dream of them and make them exist for my creations. My mind children can be assured a happy ending I am too jaded to believe to ever exist for me.

And yet I dream…

I fear if there is someone meant for me… he or she will have to be far more than the average person. Because unlike the lines of someone’s signature I once knew… “You’ll have to try and fix me, I have been broken.”
Does such a person exist, I wonder? Someone who could love me for me? Someone who can accept my flaws and my quirks? Is there someone who can understand my awkward way of showing my affections?
Is there a person who will be patient and loyal? Someone who will try his or her best to understand and be sympathetic? Even when he or she cannot understand me, they will be open minded and at least sincerely wish to despite they just might never figure a part of me out?

I dream of such a person. I dream a person who will be able to make my hope and trust in him or her bloom and flourish. I dream of a person I’ll be able to spend the rest of my life with and know he or she will never betray me.

I’ve just been too worn down to sincerely believe in such a possibility anymore though. I am only strong enough to allow myself to dream of such things… because I doubt I’ll ever be strong enough to endure more heartaches and letdowns again. There are too many cracks and chips that have been glued back together constantly. For it to break again… I’m not sure if I have the will to try to place it back together anymore… that is if it doesn’t crumble into dust before I can even try.

Posted in AIR

Kind of Pathetic…

Well, since my last entry my health levels have gone down quite a bit. I’m still in recovery mode. Last week, from the twenty-seventh to the thirtieth my schedule and eating was off some. This was due to my mother staying home to work on an essay and doing yoga. Basically she wants to be a yoga instructor and so she’s been home-studying and such.
Anyway, since it is summer and gets up to the upper 90s to low 100s now, we have mainly walking on the weekends. Since she would be home for most of a week, it was decided that we’d wake early and get out around 6:15. Now, anyone who really knows me well is aware my body is a mystery to what is normal for most human bodies. It is also bloody sensitive to change and schedules.
Well, my strange sleeping tendencies were disrupted for half a week and the protein shakes my mom would give me in the morning were completely forgotten about. Both of those things are very important to my energy levels, especially as I get older it seems. As noted sometime earlier this year during spring, I had a disturbingly harsh exhaustion episode. Well, since then I’ve still sort of been battling on finding a balance when it comes to food.
I require foods that can give me a good amount of energy. Protein seems to be the most important since the protein shakes I drink the morning really help keep me stable based on the times my mother forgot to give me them for a few days. Usually not having them for about three days can lead me to an exhaustion spell again. None of them have been as bad as the one in spring though.
One might say, why not eat more meat? Well, I would, but for some reason my body doesn’t process meat well and eating too much of it usually leads to my body rejecting it and… oh, hello there, Ralph! Anyway, these days when I’m feeling rather low on the energy scale I just have to eat more. Other times I grab a soda for the sugar or snack on some peanut butter for the protein.
Now, where is the balancing problem? Well, I cannot eat too much. Big meals can cause me a lot of problems as well. Too much food can get lodged in my digestive system and get stuck there. Sometimes too much food doesn’t even make to my stomach because it gets lodged into my throat and I get to enjoy nearly choking for a long time until the food finally makes it all the way down. Why this happens, I don’t know. Apparently my grandmother had similar problems though, which is interesting since she and i are not biologically related. Anyway… Yeah.
Eating is a fine balancing act for me. Eat too much = Pain or choking. Eat too little = Extreme exhaustion. It is annoying.
Well, now that all of that information is recorded, add in the sleep problems and my schedule being different for half a week. Those two things cause stress whether I notice the stress or not. I had no problem having my mom home during the day for most of the week and I like walking even if it is around six in the morning. The only problem is my body… as usual. Maybe is the whole thing had been eased, it wouldn’t have had such a blow on it, but in any case, the sudden change was a jolt based on the evidence. In result, my body and mind were stressed and stress leads to having my energy drained. Yeah.
All in all, I have been quite useless since this weekend. I struggle with chores; I sleep like mad; I need to consume more food than usual this week… and despite all the sleep and eating, I’m still annoyingly weak. While it might all be in my mind, I think some of my clothes are even looser on me. Oi.
So yeah… my health is not at its best.
In all of this, I have discovered two things, though…

The first thing to note:
I have always liked the Henry David Thoreau quote, “If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away.” I always thought that suited my well. Then a while back I determined, maybe I don’t even follow the beat of a different drum. Rather than keeping a beat, maybe others are just dragging me along when I have no interest in the various drums whatsoever.
My most recent determination is maybe I am a completely different drum entirely. In other words, my body doesn’t follow a beat. It is a beat of its own. So, while there are those out there who will try to play me with a drumstick and do manage to get the beat they want to hear… I think my drum prefers the gentle patting of skilled hands and doing its own interpretations of various songs and rhythms.

The second thing to note:
Just a day or two ago I had been so physically tired again I didn’t even try to eat when I knew I needed to. I was tired and that usually means I should eat something quickly in order to assure I don’t wind up so exhausted I cannot move. Well, I was to the point that making myself something to eat was too much a bother, so I just collapsed and slept the day away.
To my fortune, when my mom awoke me, the sleep had enabled me to slowly gather and conserve enough energy to make a meal when I got up. Otherwise it probably would have been the “we need to get you some Gatorade to raise your electrolytes” and whatever hoop-la again while I’m shaking due to lack of energy.
Yeah, though… in this it has been determined. I can never live on my own. In order to make sure I don’t die due to not being able to make it to a refrigerator, I’ll always need someone there to at least check on me. Mom tries to make sure to wake me up when she checks on me and finds me asleep now. She’s the reason I get the protein shakes in the morning. While I’m able to remember to take my meds half of the time, the other half of the time my mom reminds me because I certainly wouldn’t have remembered at the time.
So… pretty much, on my own… I’d either go into withdrawal because I forgot to take my medication, I’d overdose because I accidentally took my meds twice, I’d wind up in a hospital due to dangerously low energy levels or I’d be dead because one of those three things went too far… How lovely.

Hm… Dad and Mom are back. Apparently my father decided to get me dinner from Wendy’s. Dad shows his love by quantity. Since food is the case right now, it will be the example used.
If you ask him for a small, he’ll get you a large. I asked for nothing and tonight he got me a ten-piece chicken nugget, fries, large drink and a small frosty. That is a lot as far as I am concerned… and while I’m usually safe with chicken, I’m pretty sure if I go over five pieces, my body will start doing its “I Reject!” thing and then… Bye-bye, Dinner… Hello again, Ralph. It also doesn’t help that I don’t eat much fast food, so if the grease decides to be mean to me later… meh.

Well, I have written what I’ve been meaning to get down for a while now. There were certainly some other thoughts I had wanted to write, but I cannot recall them.

As for news and schedules… Tomorrow I’ll be seeing Mrs. Wynne. Hopefully I’ll be back to normal by this weekend and can get some things done. until then… Who knows?

Detachment is Back Up! Yosh! …

Well, on Thursday, June seventh my Uncle Mike passed away. He was diagnosed with MS a long time ago and dealt with cancer in his later years. My father had intentions to visit him this spring but for reasons unknown to me, he didn’t. It might have been the expenses, it might have been something else.

Dad intended to see him that weekend. We knew the cancer was getting worse and that my Uncle’s time on Earth was running short. Mom had said when Dad received call that he should come soon, he had whimpered in his sleep that night. On the morning before my Uncle passed, Dad heard a dirge being played on the radio (Mom likes to listen to classical music) and he had to change the channel.

Afternoon came and Dad arrived home around two pm. I was surprised only to be surprised even more when he broke the news to me as I was giving him a greeting hug. Dad didn’t make it in time. Mom had spoken about his putting it off and while news that Mike died surprised me, the fact that Dad never made it in time didn’t.

Dad left home around four in the morning on Saturday to take a flight off towards the East-coast. My sister lives near there and drove the way. The rest of us stayed here. Dad really needed to time to mourn on his own and with his childhood family. My father isn’t the type to look to my mother, much less his children for comfort.

Mike’s funeral was on Monday.

Mom and I were home by ourselves while Dad was away. We took care of his dog, Augustus, and kept rather busy. The entire weekend was spent doing chores and errands really, so in the end we were both exhausted by nighttime.

I’m not sure what day it was, but I believe it was Sunday, I was helping my mom as she went to buy a birdbath from a grocery store. Bought and paid, we headed out. It was light enough for her to carry one part and me the other. So, while she held onto the bath plate, I grabbed the base.

Heading for the car, I couldn’t see when the pavement dropped to the road, so my right foot began to twist inward. To save it my left leg braced itself, which in turn over-strained my bad ankle. While it was out of instinct/reflex to do that, even if I had to choose whether to fall and save my ankles or remain standing and save the base from breaking, I still would have saved the base. Yeah, my ankle is just now getting back to decent so I am not limping anymore, but it is nothing new. It is just instilled in me to not fall off my feet.

Despite my ankles are weak, I’ve always have had considerably decent balance. Took to ice skating well on my first try as a seven year old, had good balance on a bike (despite having bad judgment of distance and when to turn) and seem to excel when it comes to balance in yoga. Yeah… logically I really should have just let myself fall in order not to hurt my already bad ankle. But I see the benefits from the original outcome to be better.

Anyway, as said, the weekend was draining, so Monday I was out like a light most of the day and my mom was a zombie at work. She wound up staying home on Tuesday. It was nice. Able to spend time to recover, she began to feel refreshed again finally by the end of the day… only to know she’d have to go back to work on Wednesday.

Dad returned home Wednesday afternoon. He seemed okay. With him, though… it is hard to tell. As mentioned before, he doesn’t rely on us for such things. Still, since then I’ve heard nothing from my mom.

The rest of the week was pretty normal and has continued to be so up to now.

Another thing to occur since my last update was… I lost my website in the middle of May. Well, okay, I still had and have it, but all of the content was wiped. I thought I lost my journal completely as well, but my friend, known as Shred, Leeky and various other names on here, restored it last night! As said to him twice: Awesome!

Anyway, since that time I have been slowly re-uploading my various web-shrines, pages and so forth again. No, I didn’t have any backups of the HTML crunching, but I still had 95% of the content still on my computer. So, slowly I’ve been HTML crunching again and have been putting everything back up again. The real pain will be the pictures that were lost… I took a ton of screen-captures and didn’t back them up because of the room. I should know by now that I should keep backups on things even when I don’t think I’ll need them…

Well, the writings were what were most important to me, so no point in regretting about pictures. I can always take screen captures again. I cannot write all the content again and expect to get the same results, much less have the same energy and inspiration for it. The question is… will I ever have the stamina to take all those screen captures again? Oh well…

Other things that have occurred are just the usual appointments (we had dental and hair appointments) and health-related issues. I’ve still been dealing with keeping my energy levels decent and had some problems with my side again. Then of course there was the ankle thing. Yeah, I apparently have a lot of health issues. Half the time we don’t know why though.

I guess that is it. That, or I just don’t feel like writing much more. My brain is idling…

For a reminder to myself, though: Go through this journal and select the important things to keep. Yes, I received a backup of this journal from Shred and have stored it in a hopefully safe place. Still, though.

Health Log: Week 3 and 4

3/26

Ate Ramen noodles around 1am.

Went back to bed around 2:45am. Not sure when I actually fell asleep.

Woke at 9:45am.

Ate bowl of Frosted Mini-Wheats Touch of Fruit in Silk soymilk at 10:30am.

Fell asleep again around 11am.

Woke at 1:30pm to let th dogs out.

Fell asleep again around 2pm or so.

Woke again at 5pm.

Went for about a 45 min walk, did fine despite a slight headache around the temples.

Ate Green Giant Valley Fresh Steamers: Macaroni with cheese sauce and Broccoli at 7pm.

Ate Ciabatta roll with a bit of spaghetti sauce and grate cheddar cheese at 10pm.

Went to bed at 10:45pm.

3/27

Woke at 1am, couldn’t go back to sleep.

Got up at 1:30am.

Ate bowl of Frosted Mini-Wheats Touch of Fruit in Silk soymilk at 2:30am.

Went back to bed at 3:45am.

Woke up at 1:30pm.

Ate bowl of Campbell’s Vegetable soup in beef stock at 2pm.

8pm, ate Green Giant Valley Fresh Steamers: Buttery Rice and Vegetables.

9pm, had a medium chocolate frosty from Wendy’s.

3/28

Ate Ciabatta roll with a bit of spaghetti sauce and grate cheddar cheese at 12am.

Went to bed at 1:30am.

Woke at 12pm.

Ate Ramen noodles at 1:30pm.

Ate half a Nature Valley Peanut butter Granola bar at 2pm.

Fell asleep at 4pm.

Woke up at 7:45pm.

Ate store bought pizza at 8:30pm.

3/29

Drank protein shake and took vitamin at 6am.

Fell asleep around 7am, maybe later.

Woke at 10:45am.

Rested, but didn’t sleep, until 11am.

Did a few chores, ate bowl of Frosted Mini-Wheats Touch of Fruit in Silk soymilk at 11:25am.

Fell asleep again around 2 or 3pm.

Woke up at 5pm.

Ate Stouffer’s Farmer Harvest Vegetable Lasagna at 7pm.

Ate ciabatta roll at 10:30pm.

Went to bed at 11:45pm.

3/30

Woke up again at 1am, decided to keep trying to sleep.

Woke up about every hour or so through the night.

Had protein shake and vitamin at 6am.

Got up at 1pm.

Took a nap at 4pm.

Woke at 5pm.

Ate two cheese enchiladas and a bowl of rice at Acapulco 5:30pm.

3/31

Ate cheese stick at 12am.

Went to bed at 1am, didn’t fall asleep.

Fell asleep around 4am.

Had protein shake and vitamin at 9am?

Woke at 12pm.

Ate Subway BLT sandwich without tomato but with light mayonnaise around 1:45pm after putting up groceries.

Fell asleep about an hour or so later.

Woke up at 9pm, took my meds.

Ate Nature Valley Peanut Butter bar at 9:15pm.

Had Ramen around 10pm.

4/1

Ate cheese stick at 12am.

Had protein shake and vitamin at 6am.

Ate bowl of Frosted Mini-Wheats Touch of Fruit in Silk soymilk around 8am.

Fell asleep again at 9am.

Woke around 3:30pm to go on a walk.

Ate Green Giant Valley Fresh Steamers: Macaroni with cheese sauce and Broccoli at 5pm.

Fell asleep at 8pm.

Drifted in an out of sleep until 10pm, took medicine.

Ate a ciabatta toll with some pasta sauce and cheese around 11pm.

4/2

Tried to go back to sleep around 2am, not sure when I actually fell asleep. I might have stayed up all night until around 5am.

Had protein shake and vitamin at 6am.

Woke up at 1pm.

Ate bowl of Frosted Mini-Wheats Touch of Fruit in Silk soymilk around 1:30pm.

After 45 min. walk, ate order of Wendy’s fries and 5-piece chicken nuggets for dinner around 6:30pm. Bad me.

4/3

Ate bowl of Campell’s Vegetable soup in beef stock around 12:30am?

Fell asleep around 4:45am.

Had protein shake and vitamin around 6:30am.

Woke up at 2:20pm.

Ate bowl of Frosted Mini-Wheats Touch of Fruit in Silk soymilk around 2:45pm.

Feeling very faint exhaustion around my arms around 3pm.

Woke around 9:30pm, arm area feels a bit more exhaustion than at 3pm.

Ate Nature Valley Peanut Butter bar at 9:45pm.

Ate store bought pizza at 10pm.

4/4

Exhaustion in my arms grew so I rested from 12:45 to maybe 2:30am?

Felt better exhaustion wise.

Ate bowl of Frosted Mini-Wheats Touch of Fruit in Silk soymilk around 5:30am.

Had protein shake and vitamin at 6am.

Went back to bed around 6:30am because my arms started to bother me again, fell asleep.

Woke up at 1pm.

Ate Ramen noodles around 1:30 to 2pm?

Feeling pretty okay, dusting was a bit more strenuous than usual. Arms doing well.

Took nap from 4:45-5:45pm.

Ate Green Giant Valley Fresh Steamers: Buttery Rice and Vegetables around 7pm.

Ate ciabatta roll with cheese and pasta sauce around 11pm.

4/5

Went to bed at 3:30-4am?

Woke up at 10am and had protein shake with vitamin.

Fell asleep again around 1:30pm.

Woke up at 5:50pm.

Ate Stouffer’s Farmer Harvest Vegetable Lasagna at 6pm. Food!

Had a large chocolate Frosty form Wendy’s around 9pm.

Fell asleep around 10-10:30pm. Woke up two hours later.

4/6

Ate Ramen noodles at 3-3:30am.

Fell asleep again around 5:30am?

Woke around 7:30am to have protein shake and vitamin. Fell asleep lightly for another hour.

Ate a handful of Frosted Mini-Wheats Touch of Fruit in Silk soymilk around 9am.

Slept about an hour during car ride. Trip to Elgin.

Ate lunch around 1pm, three big chicken strips and some curly fries.

Exhausted by the time we got back home and annoying headache, around 5pm?

Got groceries, collapsed around 6pm?

Woke again around 10:30pm? Had medicine, still not feeling great.

4/7

Ate bowl of Campbell’s vegetable soup in beef stock around 12am.

12:45am, I still feel rather craptacular, but not as bad as when we got home. There seems to be a lingering exhaustion around my arms again too. Maybe I carry a lot of stress there as opposed to my neck like some people?

Went back to bed around 1am. Sleep wasn’t terribly interested in me, but my body wasn’t in good condition. Stretched muscles, popped sore joints and aggravated scar tissue, tossed and turned a lot. I slept more around mid morning likely.

The sore muscles, aching joints and so forth was likely due to being over stimulated yesterday. Being in a car three hours, in the direct sunlight for maybe 30 minutes to an hour, a brief break from the sun for an hour and then three hours again on the trip back home isn’t good on my sensitivity to light. Though I know listening to music or the radio induces headaches in time if listened to for over an hour or two, I listened to my iPod most of the trip to and back, so that is six hours in total despite at best a two hour reprieve. Sensitivity mainly to sounds from electronics hit the decibel again and took care of exhausting me mentally. Lack of a decent night’s sleep added on… Yes, logically the entire day was a recipe for draining me to the bone. Thus, spent most of today recovering.

Stayed in bed most of the day, had protein shake and vitamin maybe around 8-9am?

Woke up briefly around 1pm to eat a small bowl of cereal. Exhaustion in my arms, tired. Went back to bed after a while.

Woke up again around 4pm? Ate large Easter dinner with family. Had helpings of homemade macaroni, scalloped potatoes and green beans.

Stayed up until 6pm to visit with the family and clean dishes before my body couldn’t take it anymore and I had to rest again.

Slept until 11pm. Got up, cleaned dishes and then ate a bowl of green-beans around 11:45pm to 12am?

4/8

Stayed up for some hours. Fell asleep again around 4am?

Woke up around 12pm. Ate small bowl of Frosted Mini-Wheats Touch of Fruit in Silk soymilk.

3pm, ate small bowl of homemade macaroni & cheese and a dinner roll after an hour or so walk.

6:30pm, ate small bowl of scalloped potatoes and a dinner roll.

Never Said, Never Sent…

I don’t dwell on the past anymore… not like how I used to. That doesn’t mean I don’t remember briefly on occasion though. When certain memories come, I wind up having things I would like to say but never will. This is one of those. Maybe with it written down, something will be put to rest… or at least given a long break.

Dear Gilbert,
I never was strong at math. In fact, no one in my family ever was. Still, like my sister I worked hard at it and wound up having you as my Calculus teacher on my junior year in high school. I heard good things about you and from the first days being in your class I knew you were a no nonsense sort of person. I liked that. Sadly, that wasn’t enough.
I did pretty well in the beginning. I followed along, did math problems on the board, took notes. It would be a challenging class, but I wasn’t moaning and groaning over that. I got through Algebra 1 and 11 didn’t I? No, it was when I needed help during tutoring hours did things become complicated.
I always tried to be a hardworking, honest student. I had my morals and have them to this day. I did my homework, I didn’t cheat, I didn’t let others cheat off me, I got my grades because I did my best – and half the time it was beyond my best. So, no… I wasn’t interested in favors.
When I ask for help from someone I don’t know well, it means I’ve hit the last turn before giving up. I didn’t know you well. I had you for only two months at best. I thought you were cool, though. In the end, I apparently still have vague resentments to this day.
I came in early or perhaps in the afternoon… I cannot recall clearly. Either way, I had done everything I could to try to figure out a math problem. I had worked it out as far as I could. I went back to look at notes I made. I read lessons in the book. I was at a standstill. As said, no one in my family was ever strong at math in the higher areas, so asking the only sibling I had who even made it to Calculus wasn’t going to work – I’m pretty sure she was away at college by then anyway. Yeah, I came in hopes to be given a push into the right direction. I didn’t even get that. Bitch.
I asked for your help. You told me to try again. Well, I already tried again, but if you don’t even know how to start, it is kind of impossible. I tried to explain that to you. Maybe you thought I was being another lazy teenager who doesn’t even try. I try to humor you, but I’m still at a standstill. You tell me to keep trying. I tell you I have been. I even go into explaining to you all I’ve done up to this point. I tell you I am not the sort to ask for help until I’m at the end of my rope. You give the same damn answer. Fuck you!
Your just as bad as the Honors English teacher I had the year before who didn’t listen to my question at all and automatically assumed I was an idiot who needed the basics to be told to her all over again really slowly. Bullshit!
I try to be patient, I do all my work on my own, I humor them when they are telling m things I already know… how the bloody hell am I supposed to get anywhere when the damn teachers won’t listen to the real problem? How is anyone supposed to learn anything when he or she isn’t even taught how to get the first foot through the door?
It is like there is a person choking with two others in the room. There is someone who knows the Heimlich and there is a person who doesn’t even know what the Heimlich is. The person who knows tells the one who doesn’t know, “Do the Heimlich on him.” The person who doesn’t know says, “I don’t know what the Heimlich is.” The other replies, “Try to do it anyway.”
It doesn’t work!
Even more, do you even realize that was what you were doing? Are were you really so bent on your belief that I wasn’t trying hard enough. Trying hard was the only reason I survived middle school to high school at all. Hell, I didn’t even survive high school. I went to alternative learning and finished both my junior and senior years in two months and two weeks. I wasn’t trying hard enough, huh? Bullshit.
I’m still sure you are/were a good teacher. I’m sure you’ve taught many great students who have gone on to be amazing in fields that required Calculus. I just know you were not a teacher for me or for anyone like me. I think that is the real shame here. Oh, well.

Health Log: Week 2

3/19

Drifted in and out of sleep every hour until waking at 1am.

Rested again at 4am, didn’t fall asleep.

Had protein shake and vitamin at 6am.

Woke at 1pm.

Ate bowl of Frosted Mini-Wheats Touch of Fruit in Silk soy-milk at 2pm.

Fell asleep around 3pm.

Woke at 6:30pm. Despite sleeping a lot, been feeling pretty good – no tremors or exhaustion weakness.

Ate leftovers from tacos night before – taco salad – around 7pm.

Ate Cheese Stick at 12am.

3/20

Sleep wasn’t interested in me.

Had protein shake and vitamin at 6am.

Ate Nature Valley Peanut Granola Bar at 8am.

Finally fell asleep at 10am.

Woke up briefly to let the dogs out and do some chores. Fell asleep before eating or drinking anything.

Woke at 4pm, did the rest of my chores, played fetch with the dog.

4:30pm, ate Veggie Burger on Ciabatta roll.

6pm, went to yoga. Felt off in a mental way – a bit of a buzz like when I have manic episodes. A little irritable.

7:30pm, ate Ciabatta roll. Felt sleepy while watching television around 8pm and even thought of going to bed at 9 or 10. Wound up staying awake all night instead.

11:30pm, ate bowl of Campell’s Vegetable soup in beef stock.

3/21

Ate bowl of Frosted Mini-Wheats Touch of Fruit in Silk soy-milk at 4:30am.

Rested at 5am, still didn’t find sleep easily.

Had protein shake and vitamin at 6am. Fell asleep some point after… could have been 7am, could have been 8… could have been right after.

Woke at 3pm, let the dogs out, did chores.

4pm, ate Green Giant Valley Fresh Steamers: Buttery Rice and Vegetables.

Went on a walk around 5:30pm? Energy level normal.

7pm, ate Nature Valley Peanut Butter granola bar.

8pm, ate Ciabatta roll.

11pm, went to bed. Not sure when I actually fell asleep.

3/22

Woke again at 1am.

Ate package of Ramen noodles at 2am.

Rested at 4:40am, didn’t fall asleep.

Had protein shake and vitamin at 6am.

Took a nap from 11-1:45pm.

Ate bowl of Campbell’s Vegetable soup in beef stock at 2pm.

5pm ate an order of Wendy’s French Fries. (Bad me.)

8pm, neck muscles really worn and cramping due to lack of sleep.

Went to sleep at 9pm.

3/23

Woke again at 12am.

Ate a Nature Valley Peanut Butter Granola Bar at 2am.

Tried to sleep again at 2:30am. Failed.

Got up again at 4am – still no sleep.

Drank protein shake and had vitamin at 6am.

Ate cheese stick near 8am in the car. Tried to sleep during the trip, but couldn’t.

10am ate brunch at Denny’s, had two buttermilk pancakes and side of hash-browns.

Feeling rather worn by 2pm, shoulders and lower back ache.

Ate at Tex-Mex restaurant around 2:30pm, two cheese enchiladas and two helpings of Spanish rice.

Fell asleep for about two hours on car trip home.

Woke and remained awake for maybe 30 minutes to an hour before arriving home.

Fell asleep again at 6:30pm.

Woke at 11:30 pm.

3/24

Ate bowl of Frosted Mini-Wheats Touch of Fruit in Silk soy-milk at 12:15am.

Went back to bed around 1am.

Slept until 12pm. Still felt tired.

Ate Subway BLT sandwich without tomato but with light mayonnaise around 1:30pm after putting up groceries.

Went to sleep around 2pm after doing the dishes.

Woke around 8pm. Felt better, still a little worn around the edges.

Ate store bought pizza at 8:30pm.

Fell asleep around 10:30pm after watching some television with Mom.

Woke again at 11:30pm.

2/25

Ate small bag of Baked Lays Sour Cream and Onion chips around 12am.

Went back to bed at 3:30am because my arms still felt a bit worn. Didn’t fall asleep.

Ate Nature Valley Peanut Butter bar at 5:45am.

Drank protein shake and had vitamin at 6:30am.

Ate half a Ciabatta roll at 7am. Fell back to sleep sometime after.

woke at 12pm. No more worn areas.

Ate the other half of the Ciabatta roll at 12:30pm.

Not much to do around the house, cleaned what I could, Internet is down… So rested in bed most of the afternoon.

Ate order of Wendy’s fries and 5-piece chicken nuggets for dinner around 5:30pm.

Went to bed at 8pm.

Woke again around 11pm?

Health Log: Week 1

3/4
Exhaustion problem. So weak I was trembling, was physically spent and almost hadn’t been able to get out of bed despite being knocked out for over 24 hours.

3/5-3/11
Recovering with added snacks, shorter hours between meals, morning protein shakes and multivitamin. Mom suggested I keep a log of my meals, how I’m feeling energy wise and sleep intake the next two weeks.

3/11

Dr. Pepper around 12-12:30am.

Went to bed at 1:45-1:50am. Sleep was not accomplished. Rested physically for four hours, time change made it 6am.

Ate string cheese stick 6am. Feeling just a bit tired around the edges physically, okay mentally.

Ate bowl of Frosted Mini-Wheats Touch of Fruit in Silk soy-milk at 7am.

Went to bed at 8:30am – didn’t fall asleep.

Drank protein shake, took multivitamin at 9:30am.

Finally fell asleep around 9:45-10am.

Woke up at 3:45pm.

Ate Veggie burger on Ciabatta bread 3:50pm.

Feeling a bit physically tired (mainly my upper body, particularly my arms) again at 4:40pm.

Went to bed at 4:50pm, managed to fall asleep.

Woken up to take meds at 9pm. Fell back asleep.

Woke an hour later, rest physically another hour.

Got up at 11pm, took shower and cleaned dishes. Feeling weak in the arms again.

Finally ate around 11:30pm, barely soup in particular.

3/12

1:30am, food has no effect, still feeling a bit weak around the arms.

2:45am, drinking Dr. Pepper.

Went to bed 5am. Dozed, still could have felt better but arms briefly closer to how they should have felt.

Drank protein shake, took multivitamin at 6:30am. Fell asleep sometime after that.

Woke around 9:30am, got up a while later. Still don’t feel right around the arms.

Ate bowl of Frosted Mini-Wheats Touch of Fruit in Silk soy-milk at 10am after doing the dishes.

Paused halfway through folding laundry at 10:30 due to fatigue in arm area.

11:30pm, going to bed again. Not so weak in the arms.

Woke around 3:15pm.

Ate a tablespoon or so of peanut butter and a package of Ramen noodles at 3:40pm.

Went on 45min. walk around 5:45pm. Finished around 6:30pm.

Went to bed to rest physically at 6:50pm. Muscles felt rather worn, but walk did not exhaust me nor did it energize me. Did not fall asleep fortunately.

Got up again around 7:30pm.

Ate Green Giant Valley Fresh Steamers: Buttery Rice and Vegetables at 8pm.

Ate cheese stick at 11:30pm.

3/13

Went to bed at 1:30am. Fell asleep around 3am?

Woke up at 6am to have protein shake and vitamin.

Fell back to sleep, woke at 1:30pm. Feeling a bit more like myself for once.

Ate bowl of Frosted Mini-Wheats Touch of Fruit in Silk soy-milk at 2pm after letting dogs out and doing dishes.

Fell asleep around 3pm.

Woke up at 5:30pm, ate a cheese stick.

Fell asleep at 8pm after coming back from yoga.

Had meds at 9pm.

3/14

Slept until 12am.

Ate store bought pizza at 12:50 after taking a shower and baking it in the oven.

Went to bed at 5am, didn’t fall asleep.

6am, had protein shake and vitamin, fell asleep afterwards.

Woke up at 12:30pm, let dogs out, washed dishes.

1pm, ate Campbell’s Vegetable soup in beef broth.

1:30pm vacuumed, tended to laundry.

2pm, drank Diet Coke.

5pm, ate cheese stick and Nature Valley Peanut Butter Granola bar.

Ate Green Giant Valley Fresh Steamers: Macaroni with cheese sauce and Broccoli at 7:30pm.

Ate Nature Valley Peanut Butter Granola bar at 10:30pm.

3/15

Went to bed at 2am, might have fallen asleep at 3:30am?

Woke at 5:50am to drink protein shake and take vitamin.

Fell back asleep to wake again at 2pm.

Ate a tablespoon or so of peanut butter and a package of Ramen noodles at 2:45pm after tending to the dishes.

Fell asleep again at 3:30pm.

Woke at 7pm, ate Stouffer’s Farmer Harvest Vegetable Lasagna and Nature Valley Maple Syrup Granola Bar at 7:30pm.

Went back to bed around 10pm. Woke again at 12am.

3/16

Ate Veggie Burger on Ciabatta bread at 2am. Feel a bit weak around the arms again.

Had protein shake and vitamin at 5:50am.

Ate bowl of Frosted Mini-Wheats Touch of Fruit in Silk soy-milk at 6:40am.

Fell asleep around 7am.

Woke at 2:30pm, ate Nature Valley Maple Brown Sugar Granola Bar.

5:30pm ate Schlotzsky’s bacon sandwich (bacon, lettuce, cheese, mayo, wheat bread) with small bag of sour cream and onion chips.

Felt a bit weak around the arms and rather sleepy at 7:30pm. Fell asleep.

3/17

Woke at 1am. Felt better.

Ate Nature Valley Maple Brown Sugar granola bar at 1:30am.

Ate can of Campbell’s Vegetable soup in beef broth at 4:30am.

5am, arms feeling just a tad bit of weakness. Overall, fine.

Fell asleep again around 7am.

Woke around 12pm, ate half a Nature Valley Maple Brown Sugar Granola bar package.

Ate Subway BLT sandwich without tomato but with light mayonnaise around 1:30pm after putting up groceries.

Fell asleep around 3pm.

Woke up at 9:30pm.

Ate Veggie burger on Ciabatta bread around 10pm.

3/18

Ate Ciabatta roll at 1am.

Fell asleep around 2-3am.

Had protein shake and vitamin at 6:30am?

Woke up at 2pm. Ate Nature Valley Peanut Butter granola bar.

Ate 5 turkey tacos with lettuce and cheese at 5:30pm.

Fell asleep at 8pm.

Took meds at 9pm.

“Stalking”? Maybe…

I read something I wrote a good while ago earlier this month. This was before I had a brief mania-induced period strike. Yeah, I still get small bouts of mania from time to time despite medication. Anyway, upon reading it I couldn’t help but shake my head. It was my last SS “entry”.

That entry was comprised of various parts rather than being written all at once. It was also focused solely on my my best friend at the time. I shake my head a bit over it out of amusement if anything… because boy did I sound like a nut job then. I’m pretty sure if He read it, there would be a very high likelihood of Him being rather disturbed. For all I know, my friend might have already read it, though. For all I know he already knew I was that way anyway. Whatever.

The thing about the entry is, I sound like a freaking stalker. Looking back, to some extent I might have been that  –  if not still have such tendencies inside me. Because of this, being shamed of the matter seems pointless. It is my nature and I understand why I did and would likely still do it: I am bloody inept at relations with humans.

In my last entry I wrote about my lacking ability to be a good friend. I suppose this sort of relates to it. While that was about only being able to be a good friend to one of a similar view of the importance of the relationship, I suppose this is about just how hard it is to actually even get to the point of making friends.

I never made a human friend in real life on my own merit before until I met him. All of my human friend before were introduced really. My first friend appeared when I was around four, I believe. I met her through my mom. Basically her mom and my mom were friends, so we were bound to meet and being of the same sex, we were bound to be urged to play together.

In all logical means, if it hadn’t been for our parents, I doubt we would have ever really been friends by chance. She was half a year younger than me and was an outgoing girl full of imagination. I was the quiet, shy girl who didn’t learn to talk until she was three. On our own, I doubt she’d have noted me much. On our own, I’m not sure I’d have been willing. In the end, I think we were an okay pair.

She was a good influence on me, I believe. While she was outgoing she was never forceful from what I recall. I’d just follow and let her take lead be it a made up game or a given activity. I was okay with being more outgoing with her. Her name was Jill.

Through Jill I met another girl later in kindergarten a year. I’m not sure if we ever would have hung out otherwise. Since she was my a friend of my first and only friend… I’d be her friend as well. I don’t remember us doing much together or anything, maybe we did… I know we all sat at the same table though. Her name was Denise.

A year later in first grade I met Denise’s twin sister. I mistook her fro Denise at first, of course, but soon was able to tell them apart. If I met them now after having seen neither for seven or so years, I’d likely be able to tell them apart if you stuck them side by side. They may have been identical, but I saw the subtle differences.

Anyway, because she was Denise’s sister and I had neither Jill nor Denise in that class, we eventually became friends. I might have gotten along with her best when it came to personalities at the time, really. Again, if she hadn’t been Denise’s sister and Denise hadn’t been Jill’s friend and Jill hadn’t been the daughter of my Mom’s friend… I really have no idea how I would have made out in the friend department on my own.

Well, anyway, after that, those three were my group. They were my main friends. Yeah, they gained other friends and a girl I’ve mentioned before on here named Mandi was a friend to mainly Brooke and Denise… I pretty much stuck to those three.

Third grade none of them were in my class, I believe. But then again, maybe Denise was… I think I remember her getting praised for being an “Accelerated Reader”. That was probably the year she was always hanging with Mandi. Jill and Brooke were elsewhere. I think Brooke found a friend in a girl named Jamie. I don’t remember her last name, but she had the same birthday as me. Overall, I didn’t see the three of them much.

In the end, that year I kind of became friends with a girl named Kristen. She was friends with a boy named Chance. Thinking back on it, I think she just kind of let me follow her. We rode the same bus to school. After that year we never really spoke again and I never knew what became of her after elementary. Chance, I never knew him much, but he disappeared after elementary as well. I found later that he moved due to bullying.

People might say I made friends on my own with those two, but I always have had a funny way of defining things. To me, the relationship I had with them isn’t what I consider similar to the sort of friendship I write of in this. Friendship to me is something stronger. I suppose in most likely terms they would have been “casual friends”. ‘Sort of like friends you make during a summer vacation out of town and likely never see again.

Fourth grade I was able to have Brooke in my class again. I think we rekindled our friendship again that year. Jill and Denise… I think Jill was busy playing soccer against boys that year and Denise was still mainly hanging with Mandi.

Somewhere in that time we all had a mutual friend in a girl named April though. April was again not a close friend. I think I only knew her for a year or two at best.

Transitioning school I don’t think I saw Brooke, Denise or Jill that much. I’m pretty sure I had Mandi during at least one class and tried to become better friends with her since she was good friends with Denise. That was how I learned to make friends apparently. I’d befriend the friends of my friends. Sadly, that doesn’t always work out. I never should have tried to be friends with Mandi.

Middle school I had one class with Jill before she moved. We weren’t extremely close anymore by then though. I don’t think I had any classes with Brooke or Denise that year. If I had any with Mandi, I don’t remember that either.

I should have understood that clinging onto our friendship was becoming futile by then. I didn’t though, because I thought of them as “real friends”. We had stopped being that around that time really.

I still tried to hang around Brooke and Denise, but I could no longer relate to them and they made their own friends. We had no classes together. I should have let them go, but as said… I had no idea how to make friends.

Making friends was a simple matter… Grow a single seed and then as it grows, follow on and continue to the ever reaching limbs. Well, apparently I couldn’t do that forever. A common beginning doesn’t mean a common end for everyone.

Thus, we are at seventh grade again. Particularly alone and undergoing some considerable mental and emotional problems… I guess it was inevitable I’d reach out to someone. I did that a bit on the Internet actually… I made a brief friend via the net here and there. No matter how deep or how personal you get with someone on the Internet, however… it tends to end soon enough. That, and you can never bring them with you to school. You can never actually touch or talk to them. You can never meet them and hang out. At least, not when they live all the way across the country you are in.

Therefore, yes… I eventually needed a human in real life to befriend. That human wound up being my best friend. That human went by the name Kyle.

Like how I figured with the previous three girls, I never noticed him. At least, I didn’t right away. I probably would have gone my whole seventh grade year (possibly the rest of my life) not knowing him if it hadn’t been for a strange work of fate… or something like that.

The teacher exchanged seats with the boy who sat next to me with him. Said boy was giving me troubles, so she picked Kyle of all people to sit down next to me. I didn’t notice him at all. I likely never would have really noticed him if he hadn’t taken the initiative. He took it because he apparently noticed me. He noticed me because I mentioned surfing the Internet and spending most of my time on the computer. Thank you for small miracles.

Kyle made me laugh. He made me laugh during a time I was forgetting how to smile. It was a dry laugh, but it was something. It was something for a child who no longer could smile with ease. It was something for a person who could no longer shed tears. It was something for those who are alone.

Slowly… I began to notice him without him doing something silly or making a witty remark. I liked his presence. I liked his intelligence. I liked his sarcasm. I liked him.

All of those I befriended in the past be it “real friendship”, “casual friendship” or “hopeless friendship” were all smart or at least worked hard at school. I’ve always liked the mature, the wise and the intelligent. A person doesn’t have to be all of those things, but yeah. Kyle seemed to have various ounces of all of those things.

Yes, in time, I looked forward to seeing him. He was a fine classmate, I thought. At that time, I believe I was wishing to become his friend.

I had no idea how to go about doing that though. We had no share acquaintances. I had no idea who any of his friends were, what his interests were, et cetera. All I knew was that I found him to be nice, smart, funny and interesting. It never occurred to me to simply ask him to be my friend. I’d never asked that before.

Without any prior knowledge to how to properly make friends, I went about the process slowly and… methodically. That is where the “stalking” came in. It was all rather logical in essence. At least, it seemed that way.

Concept:
I want to be friends.
I know nothing about him.
Asking personal questions outright is rude.
Observe then.

Therefore, I observed. I’d pick out the simple things at first. He was right handed, he has brown hair, his name was Kyle. After that I’d notice things. He wrote his last name on his worksheet. He mentioned liking Garfield the Cat. His favorite color is green. He could quote Poe’s “The Raven”…

Thus throughout the year I slowly gathered the trivial information that I could. In all that time I had no idea we were actually becoming friends in the process. I just kept paying attention, picked up information and enjoyed the rare times I saw him.

It wasn’t until eighth grade did he actually confirm we were friends. Apparently he had thought we were such for a long time. I in turn never knew. I wanted to be his friend and at times thought of us as friends, but without the confirmation, I could have been just a mere acquaintance as far as he was concerned. Therefore, that day I guess we were both surprised. In my case, pleasantly.

I suppose my “stalking” eased after that. At the same time, he was my sole “real friend”. Yeah, I had some acquaintances. There was a girl named “Beth” he and I knew. I don’t really remember any others that year…

Ninth grade I had some fine acquaintances/casual friends. The majority of them wound up in art class. There was Billy, Kasei and to some extent Rebecca. There was also Jeff from the Library. Oddly he wound up with a crush on me. O.o… He never told me such plainly though and instead wrote me a note. I didn’t realize what he meant until later. (Again, I need literal, to the point, confirming words. My processing system is very black and white.)

Yeah, though…

Looking back and considering that nutty sounding entry I wrote before moving here… I’m still not sure if I have any experience in making a friend properly. Maybe if I ever meet a person who interests me the way Kyle had, I’ll know to simply say, “I enjoy your company. Would you mind being friends?” My past self, however…

I don’t fault her at all for going about things such a way. Maybe I am still that way to this day. I have no idea. It was an interesting discovery about myself, nonetheless.

“God apparently left out a few functions in this one.”

Friendship…

I haven’t written any entries about life lately, but it has been the same ol’ same ol’. The Christmas season played out as usual. Basically it grated on my sanity and I was looking forward to normalcy to return. We also were pretty tight on money this year, so very little gift giving. Fortunately for all of us, none of us care about getting gifts that much and rather expect nothing anyway.

January has been okay. Mom did hit low on her bank account and needed aid from me, so what would be considered a sizable amount in my books was given. She says she’ll try to pay me back as soon as possible, but I don’t really care. I told her she didn’t have to. How it will play out ultimately is undetermined.

Anyway… what did “inspire” to write is none of the above. If anything it was something I realized during my mom and my usual haircut trip. Basically it is this: I definitely make for a shoddy friend.

I’ve always had my morals when growing up. I had my views of right and wrong, good and bad when it came to many things. I always wanted to be a good friend.

I realize that I look at friendship in an almost idyllic way… perhaps as silly as how little girls dreaming of their prince charming or Mr. Right. I would take the promise of “Best Friends Forever” to the grave. I likely still would considering how I am wired. Friendships to more… those relationships are like precious gems to me, I think. One might ask, how does that make me a shoddy friend? Then if there are some bright people out there, they already know.

When I had a friend I would make a promise to myself to always be there for him or her when needed. I would be helpful, steadfast, loyal… I would be the best friend I could possibly be. I would always stick up for my friends, always be on their side… and if two of my friends were fighting, I’d do what I could to make them forgive and forget. I put my very soul into my friendships.

That was my downfall.

Friendship isn’t treasured to that extent by others. Maybe there are some out there who treasure their relationships to such an extent, but I have yet to find them. Because of this, I am bound to resent any friend I come to have who doesn’t take out friendship to the same level. Unappreciated, forgotten, unnoticeable.

It was my fault.

I told my mom at some point, “I really should have ended my friendship with them after elementary.”

I was too idealistic, though. I believed in our promises. We’d be best friends forever. I fought for years to keep the ties firm, but they wore away each passing year, month, week, day.

Preadolescence, beginning adolescence… almost everyone wants to fit in, find a niche, be cool… That is what my childhood friends searched for then. I never felt that way. I already had a place, a niche… I had it in them. That place wasn’t good enough anymore though.

I watched them get crushes on boy bands, pour over teen magazines and so forth in the beginning. None of that really interested me, but I didn’t shun it either. Nonetheless, they already were entering a world I didn’t understand. Still, they were them and that was all that mattered. A year passes, we’ve been separated quite a bit due to different classes. They met new people, made new friends… but at the same time they changed. Trying to be cool they stopped caring about homework, cursed and so forth. They bad mouthed the boy bands they coveted just a year or two before  and deny ever liking them. They make things I take quite seriously into jokes and I slowly become the person they turn to for advice when they have problems, but leave in the dust when they want someone fun.

End of middle school, beginning of high school… I don’t know at all them anymore. They take the side of those more influential because they are afraid for their reputations. They get into trouble, do drugs and try to be bad ass. They try to cheat off me – one time they harassed me via the phone one night so I had to unplug the phone line. One becomes a two-faced bitch who would make fun of me behind my back, laugh how I was a fag and denied it when I confronted her. Others were friends with Kennedy.

It was around that time the resentment surfaced finally. It was around that time I was being codependent. It was around that time the promise no longer existed on both sides.

Yes…

I definitely make for a shoddy friend when it comes to the majority. Because this world is made up of empty promises. I tried to keep a promise that never mattered to others and it near killed me. It didn’t kill me, because the promise no longer existed. It broke. It broke when my friends no longer were my friends other than in my head. It broke when I began to resent them and began to hate how they never cared to be good friends in return.

It took a long time to get over that… a couple of years or so, perhaps. Now, all I know is, I should have just quit trying way back when…
Despite all the pain and sorrow experienced due to those relationships, though… those pains are nothing compared to the pains I felt from the two most emotional, intellectual, spiritual relationships I have had in this life so far. I still love the two people. In various times of my life they have been my best friends. Because of that, they have caused the greatest of pain sometimes.

The second most painful would deal with the person who is still an active part in my life right now. She hurt me back when I was just beginning high school. On an outsider’s perspective, the entire things was plain silly. Looking back, we know it was a huge misunderstanding. Her reactions and her words hurt me terribly that day. I cried on my way to school. I cried in the library as I sat by my best friend at the time. I cried later on that weekend.

The most painful dealt with the very friend who sat with me in the library. I’d have to say he has hurt me most of all. That time is long ago now, but I know… he hurt me the most. I remember that night, crying to the person who had hurt me the second worst, I said,”I know I’ll make it though. If I could live before I met him, I can live without him again.”

To my great fortune we didn’t end on bleak terms. We don’t talk much anymore, but I know he’d there somewhere. Out of all of my ended friendships, he is my small glimmer of hope. The promise of friendship… He kept it. I think I might actually believe he always will keep it.

I really don’t know if I am really made for having friends. I really don’t. From what I have learned in life, such things are fleeting. It has been almost seven years since I moved and I still have made no friends. I have my acquaintances, my family and the lovely animals that make up our four-legged family. I find I am actually content with this really. If friendships are so fickle, I do not wish to deal with such. And yet, at the same time though… just to find one person who does care to such an extent… that would be beautiful.

I guess I’m just not a very hopeful person.