I am tired head wise, but that is okay. My sleeping is insane, thus normal. Not much has really been happening. Now that I am living a simple life, I no longer have “the deeper meanings and feelings” to write about. I suppose that is bad journal and writing wise, but I still like it.

I realize I will likely be as helpless as a child for the rest of my life. Sad, but I always was a dependent person. When I go out with my mother and brother, I have a habit to wait until both are in front of me and then I follow. I have had this habit for a long time. I always muse that I am like a shadow. I never really minded.

Some of me always questions if it is due to the influence of my sister, wrong of me to think of her whenever these sorts of thoughts come up, but it is true. She was a great impact in my life. Other times I wonder if it is merely my nature. Even before that – I was just a toddler though – I was the loner type. I never really played with my siblings; I just went off on my own. I never did well with things outside my “own little world” I suppose some might say.

I guess it is true. If you met me and we became very close, I would likely show you a story I wrote. Few have ever read it. Even less have seen how far it has grown. I speak of the characters in it often with two friends. I speak about it often. Like a character from a manga I have read, I speak about them as though they are human.

I suppose that is the thing I like about writing the most. You can know “people” or “creatures” perhaps more than they know themselves. Other times you can be at loss because the character exhibits things about yourself that you do not even understand. In that world things can understand you, or you can understand that world better than you ever could in the one you occupy physically. Perhaps that is why people enjoy television so much.

I believe I am becoming somewhat dependent on Eileen and Erin. I somewhat wonder if they have taken to me in such a way. I cannot know from my viewpoint of course. I suppose it is good to have a dream… something to hold onto. I suppose I have always wanted to live with a friend – if not together, then to live side-by-side.

Our relationship is still young. I have known them since the beginning of 2003. We feel like “soul siblings” though. We scheme things together and want to show one another things. I feel good with them. I just hope they feel the same with such intensity, for dreams can be silly and unrealistic. It is even harder when it is a dream that is shared and depends on all the members to make it come true. When shared it relies on all members to fulfill it and if one leaves or all break up the dream can shatter.

We have whimsical dreams to add onto the dream of us meeting and living together. There are silly ideas that are insane but fun to talk about. Others can happen and sound fun. I want to find a place that makes great German potato salad and eat it with them.

Perhaps a dream is a story you wish to live out – a book that you are a character of.

The girls want me to go to a convention with them someday. I have not the money, we have never met, I would never travel alone, it depends on what my mother thinks, et cetera. It would be very nice to meet them in the flesh though.

I want them to meet my cat and for me to meet theirs. I want to see their room and have them see mine. I know their voices and I have already fallen in love with them. I am curious of how we compare stature wise, what their scent is, their disposition in real life… all of the things you can not acquire just through a phone or a computer.

Who knows? Perhaps it will not happen, but I hope it does. All I can do is hope. Many dreams I have had never happened. I can only hope…

Well, I am tired still. I suppose that is enough of typing. Additional tidbits are the following:

My brother paid me back on the ten dollars he borrowed.

Next Friday I will see the psychiatrist.

The 13^th or the 27^th I will see the dentist.

~The Vampire Sheep-Owl