The poems were written from when I was thirteen up to seventeen. Some were personal feelings, others were memories and some were for stories I wrote.

Death
I recall once in mourning
I smiled at the face of death.
I was surrounded by lamenting and moaning
But nothing hit my close to a single breath.
Looking back I ponder in obliviousness
To what this thing I really am.
I often wonder in much curiousness
If I am really and truly human.

The world I feel
With numb and dead senses.
I think I am no longer real
And try to convince myself of this.
But now I wonder
If it isn’t death I feel so intensely.
Now I ponder
If my soul has not yet been born within me.

But death… I smile still when I see its face.
Dust we come from and then shall return.
More mysteries for the curious beings, the human race…
Will we live eternally or shall we burn?
I wonder what is there to fear?
Why is death seen to be so grim?
People come and people go, in and out, each year.
It is an adventure to go where you’ve never been.

Why do we live life to the fullest?
Why do we search for knowledge?
People die at the contact with a bullet
And at war we become the rummage.
We live and then we die.
Life is a mystery and can be fictional.
But we are always asking the question why?
Death… It happens. Everything is eventual…

So why be so afraid?

Shadows

A feeling of kindness kindles my heart
When the first breath of night has come
Alone in the darkness and the shadows in folds
For once I feel as one
The inky night devours me into its very heart
And at once the aching comes
It drips down incessantly with the waxing moon
Lunacy and pain for once can be known
For the light of day covers such things
Till they are evident no more
But in the night you can feel its presence
In the blinding darkness the melancholy lingers
The pain harbors and takes vacancy with the soul
But now as the shadows wrap their loving arms
About those in this thing called night
I feel okay again…
Because even though it can bring pain and grief…
It can save those enduring such things too…

Watcher

Couldn’t die
Was never born
A shadow where I lie.

Never am I seen
I’m everywhere, nowhere

Am nothing yet am a being.
A watcher of the world- this thing…

A loner to this human race
Yet all is wanted is belonging.

All I want is silence.
My emotions are of pain, fear…

And of terrible violence.
Yet the odd thing is…

I don’t want to be alone.

Waiting

I do not know how I got here
I do not know why you took me in
This world seems cruel and crazy
This is the only place I have ever been

When I see you in this life
I begin to think about my life
Is it heaven or is it fate
What is love and what is hate?

This whole place is confusing
This emptiness eats away at me
I think that I am loosing
I think I have lost my sanity

When I want to live my life
I am lost within this fight
Is this love a twisted fate?
I think I am failing at this rate

I am desperate to live again
I am lost and I am shattered
Will you please be my friend?
Do you still think I matter?

When I see you in this life
I begin to think about my life
For me, will you wait?
Or did I just come too late?

Pray

Last night we talked about the rest of our lives
Where we might be in ten or so more years
I keep hoping nothing will ever change
And I’ll have another moment like this with you tonight

I keep on thinking things will always be the same
But tonight you told me you might not come back
If I needed to tell you something to tell it now
But I thought we’d always have yet another day

Life is moving on and it won’t slow down for us both
We have memories that are cherished dearly
But I now realize how I want more of them around
Please don’t tell me I will have to look back and cope

Now I just keep thinking back to the past of better days
I didn’t know much of love back then in my youth
But it struck me and I learned to cherish this feeling
Now I know I must hold onto this emotion, so tonight I pray

Don’t make me go on in life having to remember
All the times I’d be with out you in my arms
Of your loving smile that brightens my days of gloom
You had promised me we would always be together

We are supposed to look back to now jokingly
I keep telling myself that this is not goodbye
We think about what tomorrow will bring fondly at night
You told me you could never do that with out me

Can I survive it out there and make it without you somehow
I guess I thought that this joy with you would never end
I thought you would never become just a wonderful memory
Will this past be a burden that will follow me around

Now I just keep thinking back to the past of better days
I didn’t know much of love back then in my youth
But it struck me and I learned to cherish this feeling
Now I know I must hold onto this emotion, so tonight I pray

Blame

When the night seems lonely
When the stars seem cold
I will be there with you
As shadows that keep you in my hold…

When the moon seems not to notice
When the sun is too high up
I will be there with you
As the stars- tears from heaven’s ducts…

When the sky will not comfort
When the clouds seem not to care
I will be there with you
As the wind fingering your fine hair…

When the ocean’s full of fury
When the sea is too far away
I will be there with you
As the wash splashing on the bay…

When we meet again after forever being alone
When my delicate heart let us my broken soul soar
I will be there with you
As angels place you among the stars…

When life is breathed into you heart
When you feel no more hurt or pain
I will still be there with you
As you transcend your unnecessary blame…

Dead

And I walk in silence through these lonely walls…
Down into the pit of my despairing soul.
Through the cemetery of my spirit which wails as I pass by…
I stop and look at it.
Stab a knife through its life…
And there: I’m done with it.

Rain

Walking in the rain, drenched and cold…
I’m falling into numbness, but I trudge on.
Cars run by off to their homes…
Where it is safe and secure and warm…
I wonder if they think me to be mad…
Mad standing here in the hard cold rain.
My body stops aching and is seems like ice…
Tough, hard ice…
Lonely planet I live on- an isolated star…
I walk on wrapped in this nakedness…
This lack of concealment… in the rain.
A bear child- off with the day time’s mask.
And I stand, in the rain crying…
As my wounds are shown and my body is broken…
Because no one is there to see them…
No one is there…

No one is there…

Emptiness

The sun spins round
The stars have died
The moon is bound
In the crying sky

The days go by
Without a sound
A life of lies
I am bound

Look to the night
So full of stars
They twinkle bright
They’re tears of scars

Look to the silver orb above
So lonely on it’s velvet sheets
Waiting, longing for a lost love
But on the other side it bleeds

Look to the sky
So vast so deep
It is full of sighs
And the tears we weep

The sun spins round
The stars have died
The moon is bound
In the crying sky

Tragic

And she threw her head back in a sigh
Her face was held in the cool night sky…
And the wind sang her a lullaby…
The stars watched her as she cried…
Bitter tears in her heart on her lips a lie…
Time ticks slowly, softly by
Something in her soul had died.

Lost

Too many thoughts….
A question hangs,
But an argument enters
More wondering,
Some reason,
So blind hope…
All at once….
And all in silence.
And the question is still there…
In it’s quiet echo.

Marvelous

It is morning,
Just after a shower,
The sun sparkles
So brilliantly

The arched rainbow
Is most likely
A good sign for me:

Let us take a walk,
And get away from it all:
A small adventure with you
Changes the sad sky for me.

We experience
The fresh breeze
Rushing all
Over our bodies.

As we walk up
The old dirt path
I feel such peace.

Before our small forms
Flows forth a magnificent waterfall;
When we lay down on the rocky ridge
And sigh in contentment,

It is marvelous,
Isn’t it?
The clouds floating
In the sky

I am taken
By the placid blue radiance.
Can you feel it?

The sound
Of the birds serenading
Is so gentle
And soothing

Just a moment of tranquility
Changes the worries
That lay with in me.

Let us cross the nature-made bridge,
I will never let you fall,
I will pick you up
And never let you down.

Standing before us,
Are the towering trees everywhere we look.
Close your eyes, listen,
And take a deep breath,

It is wonderful,
Isn’t it?
The rising sun’s rays
Flow through the trees.

Surrounded in rays
That coruscate all the hues of yellow.
Can you feel it?

Before our small forms
Flows forth a magnificent waterfall;
When we lay down on the rocky ridge
And sigh in contentment,

It is marvelous,
Isn’t it?
The clouds
Floating in the sky

I am taken
By the placid blue radiance.
Can you feel it?

Gone

She bends her head over to cry…
But nothing comes out of her brown, turned to blue, eyes.

She intends to be happy- if she’ll believe she’ll be…
But what she feels inside isn’t on the label she carries…

The world gives her shame, pain and regret…
Can she forget the past or is she not able to yet?

Can things ever be the way they were…?
Or are those bright pretty dreams ones that tear, fade and blur?

Bury herself into her own dreamscape…
Full of butterflies, flowers, lovely pictures -her only escape.

In this world, how can things ever be the same…
When everything wonderful dies away and fades?

She says love is just a silly feeling she cannot take.
Reality is Hell and her dreams are her only escape…

She’s too far away for anyone to ever reach…
Her world is deep -it takes her away from the grief.

She bends her head over pleading for tears…
But all her sadness flow in rivers inside her…

This angel world has so many devils lurking in her tracks…
They take piece by piece and she’s about to crack…

Nothing can ever be the same again…
She keeps breaking and shattering at the end…

Buries herself into a world of isolation…
No one will hurt her in her place of consolation.

Deeper and deeper no more hurt or no more pain…
She hides so cunningly; she’s too far away…

Her eyes are blank, force a smile over her frown…
To her all smiles are lies; they’re really meant to be upside down.

Wear a mask, do an act; perform like a lifeless doll…
Her spirit slowly dies and fear makes her fall…

Reality escapes her; all she needs is her small retreat…
A Utopia that shields her away from cruelty and deceit…

Escape into a dream full of stars you can hold in your hands…
Seas emerald green and many exotic lands…

Prism butterflies, wind riding white stallions…
Magic everywhere… it is her small vacation.

Too far away is she; never will she take anyone’s help or pity…
She’s ashamed to let anyone know, so insecure, and rickety…

Her past locked away for only her to know. Tightly, tightly wrapped…
Alone and unstable…silently screaming and shattered… she’s trapped.

Her heart is as deep as the deepest blue seas…
That held many unhidden secrets -the surface- beneath.

A porcelain doll that broke into a million different pieces.
A wound in each shard, placed back together… a puzzle of secrets.

She’s too far away to be retrieved and brought back home.
It seems she’s already left… it seems she’s already gone…

Misplaced

Please do not condemn me
If I act awkward and strange
I do not mean to be so lost
Perhaps I am just misplaced

Every time I see you…
All the time I am here with you

Will you please help me out?
I just do not know what to say
There are many things I want to tell you
You brought light into my days

Every time you look at me…
All the time you help guide me

I look at you and I get lost
Within your sea blue depths
This life is some kind of mystery
But I am glad that we somehow met

Every time it is new and scary for me…
All the time it is surreal and exciting to me

Please, it is so hard for me
Sometimes I want to scream out loud
Tell you everything running through my mind
I am sick of living a lie never making a sound

Every time I fear of this being goodbye
All the time I fear you will tell me goodbye

Please do not condemn me
If I act awkward and strange
I do not mean to be so lost
Perhaps I am just misplaced

I fear this will be our last goodbye
I can only I pray you’ll stay near…
I never want you to say goodbye…
I am only happy when you’re here

With me…

Fool

Lie safe inside myself
Bleed out shadows
Wrapped in protection
I’m not broken here
I don’t need to be fixed

Fall into myself
Stop the pain
Keep it on the outside
Close my eyes now
Let me be color blind

Hide deep within myself
Turn off every light
Don’t want to be seen
No face do I hold now
Incognito now I am.

Lie inside myself for always
Look out the imaginary window
Fear resides constantly
Watch the world pass me by
Lock myself in reverie

Sleep in this dream always
Place a collar on my neck
Stay here away from the world
Rest in the calm grays and blacks
Blues wash over this tired soul

Die in here always
Lost within this darkness
Afraid of what is left in this cell
The resemblance of a face
Lost in this I’m not breathing.

Trapped in this cell for too long
Everything is hollow now
Sanctuary is now hell
No one can find me anymore
Imprisoned by myself

Shackled in my walls oh so long
Terrified of what this place has become
Alone with a dying soul
Eaten away by shadows
This blackness is killing me

Locked in my basement of shame so long
There is no door for a key
Nothing can undo this chains
This brank won’t come off
Can’t find myself as I’m dying.

Tried to kill the pain but now there is more
Hoped to forget the wounds
Anxiety is intense now it won’t leave
I’m shattered to pieces here
I can’t find all the pieces

Wanted to escape the fear so there was no more
Thought everyone was fooled
Nothing ever was and it will never be
Can no longer see light out side the window
Too blind to find the way

Could no longer love myself anymore
People only see my mask and think I’m fine
Bleeding inside myself as I’m screaming
My voice is muffled and I can’t get out
Unable to save myself now. I am gone.