Iâ€™ve often had times where Iâ€™d pass by a mirror and suddenly be surprised. What? It is just my reflection. Do I simply avoid looking in them? No. I look everyday. I guess donâ€™t focus I suppose.
It happened again tonight (August 31). I was stopping by the bathroom and suddenly caught sight of myself. I was somewhatâ€¦ bewildered I guess would be the word. It was like I did not expect to see myself. It was a, â€œOh, yeahâ€¦ that person is me. That is me in existence.â€
Now, when I asked my mom if she ever underwent such a feeling, she thought I was lacking much sleep, which I am, but I just canâ€™t fall asleep no matter how long I lay down. Anyway, I left after that disheartening response.
Despite that when I went to my room the phrase â€œa dream within a dreamâ€ kept popping into my subconscious.Â I soon enough ask my mother if she knew of the thought of whether a person exists or really is just the dream of another, reality and all that junk. She seemed to understand better, but I doubt she grasped what I was trying to get at.
Thenâ€¦ Bam. The realization finally settled in when I sat down and snacked on some chips. I really did not expect my body to be there. I live too much in mental view rather than conscious physical view. I usually just observe and think. I read, watch and hear thingsâ€¦ and while there are feelings, it does not connect with my body so easily. The feeling is deeper, like the soul or spirit. It is allâ€¦ mentalâ€¦ intangible.
Â Then every once in a whileâ€¦ I guess I forget myself in physical form. I forget my body as being an identifier as to who I am in reality. So when I noticed my reflection tonightâ€¦ it was a jolt. I recalled I am in more realities than just my own, I guess?
I wonder if that is my reality. A reality of merely souls touching soulsâ€¦ Maybe that is why, when I look at peopleâ€¦ I feel little association. I know better, but I really donâ€™t feel it. I donâ€™t realize my corporeal formâ€¦ so I have trouble relating to theirsâ€¦
Heh. Even on the â€˜netâ€¦ I have trouble relating to people. I prefer just reading thoughts, ideas and the likeâ€¦ but when it becomes too humanâ€¦ I feel alien.
Yeahâ€¦ it has been going on for a while. Iâ€™ve notice manga has started to depress me a bit the more I read it. There are places that scanlate unlicensed manga even. At a board I go to, there is a separate entity of the site for such a thing. People can comment on the scans. I know I donâ€™t have to read them, but the comments are there. They make me sick. Their minds and views of the world make me sick. I read thingsâ€¦ watch showsâ€¦ The things humans do, the ignorance, the knowledge, the usage of such thingsâ€¦ my godâ€¦
Is there any depth? Any depth at all?
I wonder if I am being too â€œHolier than thouâ€â€¦ I hope not. I do not wish to beâ€¦ butâ€¦ damn. Humans make this world one damn depressing place. I like the world. I love our cats. I like watching animals, seeing nature, hearing music and all thatâ€¦
Howeverâ€¦ all the fakeness in the human society, the fear, the hate and so many other thingsâ€¦ I only shake my head at the thought. It depresses me.
â€œWhereâ€™s the killing? There needs to be more action!â€ â€“ comment on a manga that doesnâ€™t stay vapid.
â€œI wish I was old enough to be in the army! Iâ€™d get some guns and blow them all to pieces!â€ â€“ idiot classmate claiming heâ€™d be a war hero after the fall of the world trade center.
â€œLook at that face! Heâ€™s a goddamn thug! I know it!â€ â€“ basing on looks and not the soul.
â€œYou are such a fag. That is so gay.â€ â€“needing to seem superior, cool and all that shit.
â€œAttachment disorder, PTSD, and all of those disorders caused by abuse, rape, neglectâ€¦â€ â€“humans turning on others and fucking the future of mankind over even more.
Hehâ€¦ back on the previous topic, I remember my dreams. If people look at my life in physical senseâ€¦ it is likely boring as hell. To meâ€¦ Iâ€™m a pretty damn fine with it. I dream a lot. Iâ€™m not talking about day dreaming or anything. I certainly do not aspire. I mean the nighttime dreams.
I think I live more in my dreams than in my wake. They arenâ€™t exciting or anythingâ€¦ and they certainly are not ideal, fantasy shitâ€¦ butâ€¦ I feel more alive in the dreaming than in this at times. I live more in my mind than I do in the physical world.
A part of me wonders if that is just running away from realityâ€¦ but the thing isâ€¦ reality is just a figment in itself. I merely do not accept/see reality like others doâ€¦ it is not even a conscious thing. I only realized it tonightâ€¦
Hmâ€¦ I guess that is all. Yeah.