Will I last? That is what I wonder about the volunteer job. How depressing. I do not even work there eight hours nor do I go every single week day. Still though, my health has not been doing too well. Some of me often must wonder if I am merely being a lazy bum or if I am being affected like I used to be like when I was at school. I usually question the second one, however. I mean, I was able to “handle” it back then. Therefore, am I lacking will? Perhaps. However, as my mom noted, the way I lived back then was insanity, so… perhaps I cannot endure it like I once was able to because I am not so utterly mad?
I had almost a whole week off. I have Thursday off. Well, I also managed to have a manic episode that pretty much left me up for a long time, thus I only had a few hours of sleep by Friday morning. I asked my mom if she thought I’d be able to function on that whilst I was trying to wake up. She decided to play it safe and called me in sick. The night before, I had asked her about the scenario. I knew I was on a high, we both did, thus what would I do the next day if things work unfavorably? She said she’d call in sick. I argued that I was not sick though. She argued in a sense I was. Ah… mental illness.
It seems that just might be my main down fault. I tell myself my “mental illness” should not be an excuse to hinder myself… Thus, I seem to drive my self over the deep end when I ignore such things. What can I say? It leaves me feeling inadequate. Then again, should I not go along with a state of thinking I’ve had once in a while. “You are you, he is he, she is she, they are they. No one can be anyone else but themselves.”
Sigh. Anyway, Friday my dad arrived. The weekend went on as usual. My brother and his girlfriend came down on Sunday. I eventually had a headache and retreated to my room. I always seem to get them when people come over. Monday my dad left back for his apartment. I did not have to work on Monday because it was a staff development day at the school.
Tuesday was just another day. I cleaned and received a decent sleep. I also ended up having an appointment for a flu shot only to find that the lady informed my mother wrong and it was to be the next day. Well, they took me in anyway and I received the happy-go-lucky shot. I seem to be one of those who will automatically begin to ache after getting a shot.
Today was okay. I got a major headache at work and eventually wore my sunglasses even though I was indoors. Damn lights. My left shin ached, due to after affects of cutting there. My right upper arm still hurt due to the shot. Therefore I was slower than usual. Classes came in; I shelved, checked in and checked out books. I left when I usually do – 1:30.
I arrived home ten minutes later very tired. I did not even head for my room first off. I went to my mother’s. After a while I did a few things, but let myself collapse on my mother’s bed. When it was 2:23 I woke again and then retreated to my room to sleep. I did not wake up again until six.
I watched television with my mother as usual, ate really crappy pizza and left when it was 8:30. I was tired again. I retreated in here and have managed to still be awake. I doubt for long. I’m off to take a shower and likely will hit the bed again.
Oh, and I will be seeing Wynn on Friday.
Night.